


Between Us, Always You

by loserkit



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Family Reunions, Flashbacks, Fluff and Humor, Reconciliation, When There's Smut I'll Warn In The Notes Too, and fails, and the sleep deprived author attempts at humour, author also seemed to have put too much descriptiveness about useless things, author x crying at her desk in the middle of the night, callie and arizona deserve the happy ending shonda never wrote, i hope you like it though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-10-23
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:21:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 161,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24148075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loserkit/pseuds/loserkit
Summary: After two years of fiasco between New York and Seattle, Callie Torres revisits the city holding her past tight. 'Meant to be' is just another three words people say, but Arizona can't be just another face in the crowd when Callie returns. After all, they are still Callie and Arizona.Their happy ending is still waiting, no matter how slow they are walking towards it.
Relationships: Arizona Robbins/Callie Torres, Arizona Robbins/Calliope "Callie" Torres
Comments: 81
Kudos: 183





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: All canon events and storylines belong to Shonda and ABC, I'm only the one writing the story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm following season 14's events, but the timeline is a bit foggy. Continuation of Shonda's tradition of songs for titles.  
> The first chapters are kind of crappy when I look back and reread, and I'm looking for the time to maybe rewrite them. Skip straight to chapter 11 or 12 to get to the good stuff and abandon the build-up (the build-up being the kind of really badly written chapters, i'm sorry) :)

_**PROLOGUE - CHASING CARS**_

_**Snow Patrol** _

> _I don't quite know,_
> 
> _How to say,_
> 
> _How I feel._

The plane ride to New York wasn’t half as bad. The two chatted away as though nothing had changed, with genuine enthusiasm (although it just might have slightly been powered by regret and memories).

It was the first in months Arizona saw Callie's big smile again. And she knew – _she knew_ it’s because she was leaving. With the plane tickets Arizona had given her herself. Morbid. 

It twisted her heart a little and it hurt a lot. But she wouldn’t trade anything in the world for that moment, listening to Callie rattle on about some old man’s shattered tibia on a plane that smells like general Tao.

The moment was so raw, happy and _simple_. Their conversation just _fit,_ like it always did with them. Somehow, Arizona was happier then than she had ever been after the divorce.

Callie was talking about an old man’s shattered tibia when all she wanted to is rip her heart out and throw it out the window. How did a kiss in a dirty bathroom end in this mess?

Arizona curled her hair, and the curls clinging to her chin look just like those the night they met. 

But it would be okay. She was heading to a new beginning, and she would find happiness in New York. With Penny. Arizona was dropping off Sofia to New York with her, and that would be it. The last bit of history they would share. 

Just like Arizona said, they’ve had their chance, and they messed it up. It was too late, too late for regrets and too late for apologies. Too late for everything that has anything to do with them. 

That moment just felt so _easy_ , and she was laughing, and suddenly this was the happiest Callie had been since the divorce.

//

The rest of the weekend passed by with several squeals of joy when Penny saw Callie standing at her front door and some fancy pasta shared with Sofia and both her parents. Sofia is growing up too fast. Her parents living on opposites of a country is going to be her ticket of a highway to adulthood. 

Soon, it was early into Monday’s morning, and Arizona was standing before a yellow cab with a suitcase packed too full.

That’s it. She already re bought a ticket twice with money she doesn’t have just to see Callie's face for another night.

Callie insisted quite aggressively to see her off.

Arizona knew she was scared when Callie's smile didn’t glint in her eyes. She wanted to take Callie's face in her hands, she wanted to stroke her hair and hug her tight and pretend she wasn't not willingly losing her. Willingly giving her away. 

But that wasn't not true. She could only lose Callie if she’s her’s to lose, and deep into May, Callie was Penny’s to lose.

She couldn't afford to miss this flight, so instead of talking, she traced her fingers along the hem of her bag, looked outside and stared at the first rays of sunlight leaking through the leaves of an insanely tall tree.

//

The airport had big windows and tall posters of smiling people with perfect white teeth.

Arizona saw Callie's eyes threatening to spill over with tears that were too late to be cried. _She should be the one crying. Callie had fell in love all over again, and Arizona had let her._

She could’ve said anything right then. She could’ve said _anything_ , and no one would’ve thought it wrong. After all, no one cared about right and wrong, awkwardness or tears during goodbyes.

There was so much left to say, so much, so much, that all it ends up being is nothing. Just like them, they're only a flight away from being nothing again.

Arizona's said so much to her friends during the divorce, after the divorce, about Penny, with her brain soggy from a couple pints of scotch or tequila. To April, to Richard, to Nick's sister that got in touch after Nick passed away...she had said more than enough to everyone. But there was still so much she had to say to Callie. 

But she didn't say anything. Callie didn't say much of anything either.

Arizona had pushed her tears into the back of her throat and arranged her jacket. She still felt like crying even though she can't seem to get the tears to get of her eyes. She couldn't really believe Callie's whole life in Seattle, Callie's whole past, Callie's history with her, can be stored away in a few suitcases and boxes. It was so unworthy of them. The boxes shouldn't have be allowed to carry something that means this much to her. 

Callie had rested her hands against her sides and focused on the thin bit of yarn protruding from the hem of Arizona’s white shirt.

The ghost of Arizona’s necklace still pressed onto her bare neck. The ghost of the necklace that all but grew unto her for the last seven years. That ghost, still lingering, who flew to and fro Malawi, who crashed in a plane, who were crammed, briefly, in an on-call room, against someone else. That goddamn necklace. She missed it more than she cared to admit. She stopped paying so much attention to it after a while, the newness of it wearing off, and it pretty much became a part of her. That part was gone months ago. 

She just assumed she'd have all the time in the world to wear it. 

Moving didn’t feel appropriate. Neither did breathing. No goodbye seemed proper to say. No goodbye could _possibly_ be proper enough for this.

So they said nothing at all.

It was hard to describe standing before someone so endlessly important, and having to step away by choice. Everything was so very delicately horrible. Their stories were being put to rest with no promise to be ever missed again. Arizona told herself that they still had history, that nothing can mess with their history if it's already made. 

But their history didn't seem to be meaning crap when Callie's present was with someone else. 

_Arizona remembers their history. She remembers being on that giddy high and whispering, " I take you, Calliope Torres, to be my wife…I choose you to be the one with whom I spend my life." She remembers Callie's big, big smile that was only for her._

_She remember Bailey laughing and shaking her head before saying, "I hereby pronounce you wife and wife." She remembers kissing Callie and knowing how perfect it is to be the one that gets to do that for the rest of her life._

_That's their history, their exclusive history, but what does history even mean to her now?_

Arizona gazed at Callie. Nothing was everything she could’ve mustered. When she gave Callie those plane tickets, she'd bid her goodbyes to Callie then. That evening cut off the little bits of string that still tied them together. That evening was the real goodbye, this airport seems to just be a formality.

But she didn't imagine formalities to be so formally hurting. 

This end – this parting – this wasn’t memorable, it wasn’t a ride into the sunset or long nights of white wine. They just...quietly left their past and finally were putting their promises down. All those promises Arizona's broken, all those Callie's broken, all those they'd promised they'd never break. 

They held the last glaze with the happiness they had ever offered each other. It was okay to not say anything. If Arizona opened her mouth, she might lose all control, and she can't let Callie remember her crying. 

Callie needed to remember her smiling.

Arizona smiled. 

“I’ll see you later, Calliope.”

Callie squeezed her eyes shut. Arizona doubted she'll remember the way Callie this very second but she damn really wants to. Callie looked like she'd been crying, that the crying lasted long enough to give her a frail and scary look, but didn't last long enough to be heartbreaking. Didn't last nearly as long as Arizona's had. Arizona disliked the idea that moving to New York made Callie cry. And she disliked even more how Callie was okay with crying a bit about this. That _her_ Calliope saw such a future with Penny that this disappointment would be worth it, and would be made up for. 

She doubted she'll remember the way Callie's lips curl when she smiles or the flick of her eyebrow when she's amused in a year. In two years. In three years. This goodbye is indefinite. 

Callie smiled too. “Goodbye, Arizona.” 

Arizona stepped past the boarding gate. Nothing made sense, and she doubted it ever will. All this was like a puzzle piece that doesn't fit into their story at all, like an accident, like spilled water that someone will clean up and then they will go back to their life before everything. But everything was changing, and nothing was going back to the way it used to be. 

Like Arizona was that odd puzzle piece that doesn't quite fit into the picture with Callie's future. Like Callie had stolen a piece of her own puzzle and now Arizona was left unfinished, incomplete, pathetically missing a part of her own picture and barely caring at all. Arizona thought that Callie was her endgame, but she doubted that she was Callie's anymore. 

When she looked back at the end of the jet bridge, she could no longer see Callie. But that was okay too. 

Callie needed to be well. That's all Arizona could've asked. 

The flight home consisted only of Arizona staring at the necklace she took out from her pocket.

That night, Penny found Callie drunk over a bar's bathroom sink.

> _Just know that these things will never change for us at all._
> 
> _If I lay here, if I just lay here,_
> 
> _Would you lie with me and just forget the world?_

_**PART I - A PHONE CALL IN AMSTERDAM** _

_**Valley** _

> _I still feel you here and there,_
> 
> _I still call but I don’t care._

_-_

A little bit of New York coffee smell sneaks through the crack in the window. 

Callie groans and her hands fumble blindly for whatever’s buzzing on the nightstand. Arizona shouldn’t be calling this early in the morning. Sofia is supposed to be in Seattle for the next month. She's been in New York for almost two years now, Arizona knows that their conversations are limited at polite small talk after arranging the next drop-off for Sofia.

So who the hell is calling this early?

Her alarm clock falls onto the floor with a great bang and a groan comes from the living room. Blinking the sleepiness away, she squints to see who just appeared by the door frame. “Erica?”

“What the hell did you do to be so loud?” she mumbles, rubbing her eyes.

“W-what?” Callie’s fully awake now, “What– _why_ –you-”

Erica laughs, “Don’t worry, Callie, I didn’t take advantage of you.” She throws a wink there for good measure, “You were pretty tipsy so I got you home and, um, kind of fell asleep on the couch.”

Callie lets out a breath. _Thank god_. One night stands were never her thing. Especially not with Erica. Erica, who she'd befriended again when she came to New York Presbyterian, who had matured enough for them both to cautiously rebuild a friendship. Erica, who she'd spent last night doing shots with.

Seeing the clear relief on Callie’s face, Erica smirks and points to her phone, who’s dangerously close to the edge of the nightstand. “Don’t you have to answer that?”

“R-Right.” Callie pulls the covers up to her neck and reaches for the phone. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome, Calliope.” And Erica turns around to gather her things from the living room floor.

The minute her full name reached her ears, she opened her mouth to retort. _No one calls me Calliope anymore, Erica._ Instead a strange moan and grumble spews out of her mouth as she raises her phone to her face. She groans again. What happened to forming coherent words in the face of her full name?

//

Alex’s eyebrows shoot up when he sees Meredith leaning on a gurney with a smile from ear to ear and a mischievous look in her eyes.

“I thought you were supposed to get Torres for that, um, … thing." He grimaces, "Why are you smiling like an idiot, dude?"

“Callie is saying her sweet goodbyes to her new girlfriend,” she wiggles her eyebrows, “I'm waiting till they finish their smooching.” She smiles harder just to piss off Alex.

“Shut up, Mer. We were drunk. Nothing happened!”

"Oh really? If not for making out, than what was that weird moany noise you just made?"

Callie splutters, "That was...that was...nothing! I- okay, whatever. Think of it as whatever you want to." She changes the subject before Meredith can start asking her about Erica's tongue or something. "Why does Karev sound like a nervous puppy?” She raises her voice, “ _KAREV WHY DO YOU SOUND LIKE A NERVOUS PUPPY?”_

Alex grunts. “I-it’s a, um, thing. Meredith is supposed to explain anyway.”

“Alex!” Meredith glares at him.

“it’s a broken dick.”

At the same time, Callie and Alex half-yells bewildered " _What!?_ "s.

“Yeah, and a little birdie told me you already dealt with this.” She genuinely takes pleasure in Alex’s nervousness, “and we need your help to, well, fix it.”

Callie clears her throat, "Oh. Well- it’s a broken dick, Mer.” The other side of the phone remains silent. “Even you can fix it. You know that!”

“But I’ve never actually fixed one! and you know how… _delicate_ this thing could be for the, um, patient.”

“Oh pleeeaase. Mer. Are you seriously asking me to fly across-”

Alex grabs the phone. “It’s Mer’s new boyfriend, alright? She only trusts you and she kind of needs it to go back to her nocturnal activities...or something.”

Callie's end stays quiet for some time, then bursts into a fit of hysterical giggles.

After a few minutes of Meredith trying to calm her down, she finally stops laughing.

“So? As a favour? From an ortho goddess like you to help out someone helpless and lost as of myself?”

"Fine. But the whole thing remains silent. I’ll go in and out and no one needs to know I’m there.”

Meredith sighs. She knows how Callie changed over the last few months. Nothing too big changed, but Meredith just can't put her finger on how the woman's attitude altered.

“Alright. but if you bump into people, I can’t hide you. And you have to come out to Joe's afterwards with Alex and me.”

“Deal! I don’t want to seem like a desperate stalker. Besides, Owen told me Arizona found someone that makes her quite happy. I don’t want to make it awkward.”

“Just get here before tonight." Meredith shares a small smile with Alex, hearing Callie's nervous voice over the speaker, "It's sweet that you worry about Arizona."

"I'm not worrying about her! I'm worrying about potential awkward situation we could all get into!"

"Whatever you say, Torres. Don’t worry about them, they’re sunshiny all the time.”

The plane was easy to book, especially with a Harper Avery award-winning surgeon telling the company to spare a seat.

Callie stands on the dusty New York sidewalk and brushes her shoes against the pavement.

She steps into the chilly airport air, and immediately feel a little hollow. She never liked airports much anyways. They have a love-hate relationship. The place makes her feel something other places can’t, and she can’t quite say what. But seeing her unfortunate experiences in airports in general, she’s wary.

This curious thing is bubbling and eating away at her insides. Excitement? Panic? Regret? She knows how to fix bones, she knows how to keep herself together, but she don’t know how to keep her heart quiet. _Damn it. Having a heart is pretty annoying sometimes._

The line at the boarding gate is surprisingly short. She can’t help but wonder if Meredith has anything to do with it.

//

A few hours later, Callie Torres stood once again before the automatic doors that take too long to open. As if nothing has changed, as if the path leading to it were always walked alone.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry for the poor capitalisation in the previous chapter. I'm not clueless - i swear!  
> Again, bear with me for the time while they're with other people.

_**PART I - THERE'S A REASON WHY (I NEVER RETURNED YOUR CALLS)** _

_**\- the blossoms** _

There stood Callie Torres, in all of her ortho goddess glory, back in front of Grey-Sloan.

Opening her phone to call Meredith she’s arrived; she sees the four missed calls from Arizona and sighs. She looks up again, at the dark blue letters drawn out, long on top of her, the face of the hospital.

She honestly has no idea why she wouldn’t return her calls right away. Maybe because Arizona always knows when Callie lies, and Callie has no idea how to explain a fractured penis and her related arrival to Seattle. So, she puts away the phone at the exact moment she hears her name being yelled across the parking lot.

She looks up to see Alex and Meredith grinning like 6-year olds.

“You liked the plane ride over?” Meredith asks as they exchange hugs.

“Yes, yes, suspiciously empty and surprisingly good service, though.” She grins.

“Good to have you back.”

"I'm not back, Alex. I'm here for less then a weekend for the…repairing and some visiting, but then New York is waiting for me.”

“Mhmm. and Erica is waiting too.”

Alex and Meredith laugh while Callie quickens to defend her situation with over-escalating tequila.

“No! Not my girlfriend! No nothing! We’re friends-”

“-dude, you don't make out together _on accident_ -”

“We are _friends._ There was no making out.”

“Weren’t you getting it on with penny anyway? What happened to her? Wasn’t she the reason you left us in the first place?”

Meredith and Callie look at each other. Callie mumbles “We ended things for a year already. I mean, it wasn’t bad at all. We sort of just…mutually fell out of love. The breakup was polite – nice, even.”

“And now she’s going around New York getting all the pretty girls.” Meredith adds.

Callie rolls her eyes while walking into the building together, but unable to keep her mouth from smirking. She did, in fact, tried going out and dating. _Get your groove on and just satisfy your needs_ , like Meredith and Bailey suggested. That didn't work much, due to her dislike of careless flings. But nevertheless, she learned how to be perfectly content with the life she's leading.

The lobby awaits the trio, just like it did the other hundreds of times they had walked through those double doors. The floating, eager smell of cleaning alcohol and rubber wraps around Callie as if a friend long time gone.

//

Arizona grunts and rolls over to fumble for her phone under the sheets. The power nap ran a little long. The empty side of the bed stays empty, but Carina occasionally occupies it. Today, it was bare, almost staring back at Arizona, unapproving of her desperate fumbling.

Ah! The phone was wedged between two pillows.

Her four missed calls lay on the screen, but no response. Slightly annoyed, she pulls her self out of bed and adjusts her leg with a few experienced nudges.

Tonight’s shift seems especially unbearable. and Sofia’s babysitter is nowhere to be seen, even though Arizona is fairly sure she had called Uni Brow before her nap.

After a while of waiting and non-stop pacing from Arizona, Uni Brow finally pulls herself out of traffic. Arizona scurries off to the hospital, glancing at her watch every few seconds. It’s been two years of this frantic schedule, cut in the middle by silent weeks alone when Sofia’s in New York, and she’s only recently gotten the hang of it. Admittedly though, it improved when she stumbled into Carina a few months back.

She glances again at her phone one last time, before shoving it deep into her purse. Shame, she was supposed to arrange a few details with Callie for the next hand-off in New York.

//

Callie and Meredith hurry to a distant on-call room while exchanging pleasantries and poking fun and each other new beginnings in dating.

“ CALLIE TORRES?”

Callie jumps and knocks over a stray tray of surgical tools and winces at the sharp clangs as it scattered all over the floor.

“Ha! Still clumsy!”

Bailey skips over and engulfs Callie in a bear hug. Only after numerous complaints of Callie's difficulty of breathing, that Bailey finally let go with a gigantic smile.

“How come you never told me you were coming home ey?” She huffs. Overjoyed, but she still finds the brain cells to remember to slap Callie in the arm.

“ _Ow!_ bailey!” Callie returns a soft punch, “ I was just about to head to your office!”

Bailey narrows her eyes.

“You’re frickin chief of surgery now! I needed privileges for a day for a few simple surgeries, that’s all! I'm here, in and out!”

“Take all the privileges you need to fix DeLuca’s broken junk, whatever. I’ll give you head of ortho _and_ a raise if you would stay for a few hundred more weekends but you don’t see you whining do you?”

She laughs and hugs the shorter women this time.

“Close your mouth before a fly finds its way in there Grey!” Bailey snaps when she sees the horrified look on Meredith’s face, “Word travels fast here and it isn’t the first time this sort of…” she waves her hand around while finding a surgical appropriate way to describe a bent penis. “-it isn’t the first time this _incident_ occurred.”

A few seconds after Meredith’s face stopped burning, the three hear a painful scream in the distant on-call room.

Bailey eyes the two, “Go on! Before he passes out!” Walking, she turns around and yells “and Grey! Get your date good to go for the fundraising on the tenth!”

“Another fundraising?” Callie whispers to Meredith.

“From the fire.” Meredith replies, with a scowl, “and I _really_ don’t want to bring DeLuca now.”

The hospital kept an air of heavy delight for the rest of the day.

On the third-floor radiology room, still susceptible to small fits of giggling, the ortho goddess performs her magic on a certain broken limb.

“That should be it!” She says, “Now, be careful with your… handling. You – and it – need rest, alright?”

DeLuca grunts a faint okay, embarrassed.

A few minutes later, the two doctors step into the corridor.

“Ohhh that was… _horrible_. And awkward. And terrifying,” groans Meredith.

Holding up her scans, Callie hides a smirk, “Don’t worry, it’s more common than you’d think. Although people don’t usually call a renowned orthopedic surgeon to set it.”

“Narcissist.” Meredith pokes as she glares at her, “but you still came cause you missed us _so_ much.”

“Aaannd because you were begging for me to fix your boyfriend’s junk?”

“…yeah, I guess there’s that too.”

“When did you hit _him_ up anyways? Not that long ago you were still complaining of a Riggs guy everyday!” Callie asks, heading to the elevators. “Wasn’t he sleeping with Maggie the last time I checked?”

“Oh, that’s another reason what happened was so terrible. We just _only_ started…whatever it was, and suddenly BOOM. Broken.”

“Ouch.”

“Yeah.” Meredith answers, checking her watch. “It’s only eight. you want to see the new incompetent ortho guys that Bailey chose to replace you?”

“They’re both _guys_?" Callie wrinkles her nose, "Shame, ortho goddess has a much better ring to it.”

“Yup. Shame. They should be in O.R. 2 working on a tangled-up biker.”

“OOO now that sounds better.” Callie flashes a big smile as the two steps into a crowded elevator. “ _OOO_ do you think they’ll let me scrub in?”

Before Meredith had time to reply, a whirl of ginger hair rushes into the elevator.

“TORRES! You didn’t think to bother saying hi?”

“Hunt!” The girl hugs him “I was just coming for a quick favour! In and out.”

“Owen! You’re not hogging my friend!” Meredith squeezes her self between Callie and Owen, “she’s coming with me and Alex to Joe's right after satisfying her blood thirst for bones _and_ I WILL be whining a lot about my unlucky dating situations and we WILL be getting _very_ drunk.”

The crowd rushes out of the elevator upon arriving, with a slightly startled, wide-eyed Owen.

“W-well, let me join you. I’ll go finish up some charts and I’ll see you at Joe's!”

Meredith looks him up and down. "Fine."

“Wai-” but the trauma surgeon was already hurrying off. “Meredith! I told you! in and out! No big, happy family reunion!”

“Oh stop it. You love us.”

“Mhmm” Callie glares at her and droops her head, “I just don’t want Arizona hearing from a excited, giddy Owen that I'm in town and didn’t tell her. She’ll think I'm here to kidnap our kid. Or something like that.”

Meredith raises a sceptical eyebrow. "Just that?"

Callie purses her lips and says quietly, "And because...I don't really want to see her."

//

“Karev!”

Arizona hurries out of the NICU to catch up to the other doctor. “Carina still wants a date tonight and I still have three moms waiting for me. _Three moms with tiny fetuses waiting for me!_ Can you do a checkup on the baby that just got delivered in bed three? Oh! And fix me up with six cups of coffee, then I’ll be good to go.”

“Rough day? You’re tired,” Alex chuckles.

Arizona scoffs, “Pfft. No! How would you even know? You just-”

“Yup. You’re exhausted. You talk even faster then usual when you’re tired. And right now, the words are shooting out of your mouth at supersonic speed.”

She grimaces and strolls away, not wanting Alex's snarky remarks to dampen her already pretty damp mood. She's heading to the elevators. It takes Alex a second to realise where she’s going, and he springs into step beside her.

“ _Soooo…_ Carina huh? She has nice, um, hair. Yeah, I like her hair. You think you know what kind of shampoo she uses? A-and conditioner!” He slides in front of Arizona.

The way Arizona narrows her eyes in a way that makes the boy gulp. “It’s um…for Jo. She likes Carina's hair too. I mean, it’s _great_ hair,” he stammers.

“Why do you sound like a nervous puppy? What did you do?”

“Nothing!” An elevator door dings in the distance; he lets a breath out.

The conversation seems sketchy enough, but Arizona promises to ask about Carina's shampoo for whatever reason. She has enough on her plate without Karev’s weird personal problems.

She scans through the patient files on her tablet and reads the files on the three mothers. She fiddles with a strand of her hair, curls it around a finger, then yanks it back straight. The stress of living, in general, has gotten to her since some time. But it’s alright. She’s a bad ass surgeon who saves tiny humans. She is _not_ someone who lets shampooed hair, or plane crashes, or the lack of caffeine get to her. She-

She is seeing thing. She is seeing a bobbing head of dark hair right before the distant elevator slides shut. Arizona blinks. She sees the dark brown hair in Joe's dusty bathroom. She blinks, and rubs her eyes.

She might really, really need those six cups of coffee.

> _a lover’s game_ _is never fair,_
> 
> _but I still care_ _and I know you do too_
> 
> _cause there’s a part of me that’s you._

**_PART II - I WOULD HATE YOU IF I COULD_ **

**_\- Turnover_ **

> _I was out one night when I saw you, and you froze me where I stood._
> 
> _I would hate you. I would hate you if I could._

Those three moms all turned out to be only having severe cases of pregnant-nerves-and-anxiety™. So not only was her day ridiculously busy, but also faintly boring.

Arizona slumps onto the couch in the attending's lounge. It really isn’t usually this lonely in the hospital. There’s a light patter against the window, and in the rain, the room seems separate from the rest of Seattle. The small flash of dark brown hair from this afternoon is only now crawling back into Arizona’s head. It wasn’t unwelcome as much as it was welcomed. If someone had been sitting next to the slumping girl on the couch, one would notice the undeniable peacefulness in which she mulls the thoughts.

The peacefulness lifts from the air as she stands up and changes out of her scrubs. The new silence is much sharper, more resolute, deafening, even.

“Hey! Carina!” She pipes into her phone, “I’ll head down to Joe's in a little bit. Will you meet me there?”

//

“CHEERS!” four cups clang in the air, and alcohol sloshes around as four surgeons in the back of the bar each down their glass with big smiles.

In the warm light of the noisy bar, it’s easy to forget the past and the future, and it’s easy to forget the people who should’ve been laughing with them. Fuzzy banter and toothy smiles cover that up. Callie waves a bartender over and calls for another four glasses of scotch.

Alex raises a glass, “So! Torres! Tell us about new and improved Hahn 2.0!”

Erica’s light hair slips through her mind and she lets out a giggle. Callie always had a thing for blond hair. 

“ _Great._ She's a pretty great friend. She smells good, and she…she’s a cardio attending at my hospital. Greeaaat.”

She sees Meredith and Owen snickering and rolls her eyes.

“And a good kisser.” Callie continues with a laugh, not quite registering what she was spewing out of her very drunken mouth.

The four down another few rounds of tequila.

“Mhmm.” Owen slurs, “Amelia is killing me. Killing me! She’s everywhere! She shows up at my house, she helps me with laundry _and then the laundry smells like her_. She smells good too, Callie. And she helps me with laundry, and I smell her! She smells good…”

Meredith looks at him with disbelief and shakes her head. “You guys need to get it together…” she flings an arm over his shoulders, “takeitbeforeyoumissit.” she hisses into his ear.

Their glasses meet in mid-air again.

“ottoms bup for O’Malley and Mark and Lexie!”

Their laughter is bubbly and loud, and it’s hard to miss their bright eyes and delighted faces.

//

The drizzle falls harder, turning into a foggy shower. Arizona quickly crosses the road, pushing a stray strand of hair out her eyes. Seattle really rains so much more than normal these days.

Finally approaching Joe's front door, she arranges her shirt collar carefully, and wipes the water clinging to her cheeks. So much for a romantic date. Dialling Carina's number, she pushes into the bar and the tinkle of the bell makes her feel better.

“Hey! I'm here! Do you want me to wait a bit?” The fuzzy warm air of Joe's is comforting. More comforting than the rain outside. 

“Alright. See you soon.” She wrings her hands. Carina is going to arrive in a few minutes in her car, and she’ll drive to a “eccezionale” restaurant for the night (She’ll have to find out what that means).

The hospital has changed over the past few years, but Joe's bar stayed the same with squeaky tables for friends who needed to celebrate. Waving Joe over, Arizona hears said squeaky tables squeaking away in the back of the bar and smiles to herself. People have these big, stupid grins and say things they wouldn’t say out loud when they’re here. She finds herself thinking about all the past that live in this very bar. The people she misses who all had sat int these very stools before. The past is so much more present than the, well, _present_ in this bar sometimes.

“Hey! Arizona!” Carina pushes past two middle-aged men with a grimace.

“Heyy! You’re ready?”

“Sì. Do you want to go now or have a drink first?”

Smiling, Arizona hands her a glass.

Sitting on two stools, knees touching, they chat about her boring day, their new project, and Sofia. When they finish their two glasses, Carina reaches for her coat and beckons Arizona to follow. Turning around, Arizona slides a bit of cash on the counter. She blows a stray strand of hair away from her eyes and lifts her head, stretching.

_April once said swearing to god without purpose or in vain could be a sin._

_Arizona wasn’t religious. she didn’t believe in a whole lot of things._

But she _swears to God_ she hears the moment when Mark cracked bad puns.

She swears she hears pizza parties in her bed.

Her darting glance can't manage to avoid the dark brown hair and dark brown eyes. Who's swaying and happy, on the other side of the room. 

Arizona freezes in her spot.

She stands and she stares at the very past that felt so very much present whenever she's in the bar.

She gazes in her silence.

She can’t move. 

She _can_ move, she just forgot how to. The sickening buzz between her eyebrows tingles more than it hurts.

Her chest smarts at the third glass of rum, fire licking the back of her eyeballs. Her fist by her side is clenching, and clenching harder. She closes her eyes for thirty seconds, wishing for everything to just go away. 

This really can't be happening. She really got over the dreams she still had about her Calliope and the dreams where everything turned out alright. Those were just dreams, so why does this feel _so real_?

“Arizona? _Arizona?”_

She shifts her eyes to the brunette that's here now. Carina. _Carina_. “Yes. I'm coming.”

Arizona keeps her eyes away from the back of the bar and heads decisively out trailing right behind Carina. 

Bells tinkling above her this time leave behind an oblivious pair of tipsy eyes. The cold, wet air outside feels like a slap in the face. This isn't a dream, is it? 

And she's daydreamed about Callie suddenly showing up in Seattle so many times over the years. Whether she would start bawling and jump into Callie's arms, whether she would see red and start yelling at Callie in the middle of the street, whether their gazes would cross all at once, and they would dash across the airport gates and kiss like those rom-com movies. 

It's childish, but Callie always brought out the swooning teenager in her, for some reason.

No matter what she envisioned, she never really expected herself to just do nothing and watch from afar. She really did nothing. 

Maybe that's exactly what they have become. 

_Nothing._

Warmly in Carina's car, the two sit in silence, listening to the passing cars and a distant siren. Just as Carina turns her head to say something, Arizona grabs her shirt collar. Carina complies, a smirk dancing around her mouth. Arizona takes her face between her hands, a tight, desperate hold. Her heavy huffs of breath echo. Carina pulls Arizona, almost with ease, over the armrest.

“So, no restaurant?”

Arizona pants, “No restaurant. No nothing. Just this.”

She squeezes her eyes shut in the furious tangle of burning limbs and sees red burning into her eyelids. Everything should melt away, if she concentrates on the woman in front of her.

The car crouches on the side of the road. Anyone who cares to listen would hear a roaring fiasco, rocking back and forth.

Maybe it's loud and breathy and almost violent, but somehow, it still doesn't mean much of anything.

> _"I would hate you_
> 
> _But I'm not finished yet."_


	3. Chapter 3

_**PART I - SICKIE** _

_**\- BE GOOD** _

> _I wait for so long, but I know you’re not waiting for me,_
> 
> _true love makes you strong,_
> 
> _so why does it have to feel so strange?_

Saturday morning, Callie wakes up with a throbbing migraine on Meredith’s sofa. The contents of her suitcase are sprawled on the other side of the coffee table, and Meredith is passed out on top of Alex, who has his foot hanging just over Owen’s stomach, half hidden by her suitcase.

She pulls herself up and manages to poke Meredith in the ribs without passing out. the bundle of blonde hair and headache groans and rolls off the couch in reply.

“Mer, I'm gonna go pick Sofia up early from school today,” she rubs her eyes, “Will you make sure she gets to Arizona’s or Carina's?”

Another grunt from Meredith confirms (or seems to confirm for the most part) her understanding.

//

The ceiling is really grey today. And there’s a suspicious bump towards the right. Arizona makes a face. Maybe-

Carina throws a lazy over her shoulders. “Buonn-” she yawns, “Buongiorno Arizona.” Arizona feels her burning arm and takes her hand, somewhat satisfied. The bed isn’t bare anymore, at least not today. Arizona can't feel much except to register that maybe saying good morning back would sound appropriate. She never really knows what to do when she wakes up next to people. 

"Morning, Carina."

And Arizona gets out of bed, mumbling something about coffee.

//

Callie struts to the nurse station. Just as she picks up a tablet, a loud-yet-endearing voice makes her almost drop it (again).

“Torres!”

First putting the tablet back safely right away, then spinning around, Callie greets Bailey.

“Hey, what’s up?”

“Whatchu still doing here?” She looks at her up and down. Callie might be taller, but Bailey’s ambience can knock an elephant down cold. “I thought you were in and out.”

“Ah. I'm not working, don’t worry. I’m here for the weekend. It’s only Sunday!”

Bailey nods and falls into step beside Callie. “How’s New York?”

They chat as they wander down the stairs. “Alright, alright. The city’s dusty and loud, but the people are _hot_. Like, _really hot_.”

It’s very true. The people she’s dated after Penny were all magazine-worthy.

Bailey snickers, “And the hospital?”

“Will you ever forgive me if I say anything than that it’ll never measure up to Grey-Sloan?” Callie teases.

“Oh yeah? Then why don’t you visit more? The first time in two years- _two years_! Is for DeLuca’s … thingy!” 

Callie winces. “Yeah…my bad. But I’ll visit more now! I was just promoted, so my schedule’s less messy! And I broke up with Penny about a year ago, so you know, no one’s really pushing me to go back after twenty-four hours. You could stop being so pissed, right? And to be honest, I miss Seattle more than anyone. I just...it's complicated.” She rambles on, almost missing the last stair.

Bailey cuts her off, “So if there’s…say…a fundraiser, you’ll come?”

Callie pauses, Bailey’s glare catches her eyes, and she gulps.

“Yeah…I guess.”

Bailey perks up, “Great! It’s in three weeks time, on the tenth. Plus-ones are accepted. An ortho goddess will make a great addition!”

//

Callie hands the flight attendant her ticket just as the speakers call out the last boarding warning. She bounces back and forth on the balls of her feet. She's not even sure if her feet are there anymore. The two sleeping pills she took before the flight don't really feel like they're kicking in. Right before the plane takes off, her phone dings with a text message.

She smiles and replies to Erica before closing the device.

**_PART II - CAN I CALL YOU TONIGHT?_ **

**_\- Dayglow_ **

> _Batteries drain, I get the memo,_
> 
> _I think that I might have to let you go._
> 
> _So can I call you tonight?_

_-_

“You went back to Seattle for the weekend?” Erica opens the car door for Callie, “I’m guessing they were thrilled.”

“Yeah. they were great.” Callie says, “Hey, you know Amelia, the head of neuro?”

“Mhmm.”

“Hunt seems to have a thing for her.”

Erica raises her eyebrows, “Inappropriate work relationships are still a trend there?” Callie laughs and nods.

“Oh!” She continues, “you know that disastrous fundraiser after the superstorm?”

Erica nods, she knows the memories that storm brings back. Callie and her were friends over a year now, and she's doing her very best to catch up on the years she missed.

“They’re having another one. Apparently so much money went into the repairs after the fire, they’re lacking on the money for pro-bono surgeries and new supplies.”

Callie grabs two coffees and hands one to Erica, “Miranda cornered me and basically stared me down into going.” She shakes her head, “I don’t even why I agreed.”

“You’ll be fine. You’ll dazzle those millionaires with your incredible talent and pretty face and they won’t even know what hit them.”

Callie giggles and drains her coffee in one go, “I hope so.”

//

“I don’t know, Arizona, maybe you shouldn’t coddle her so much.”

Arizona scoffs, “ _Coddle?_ I don’t _coddle_ her! I want her to be happy! I want her to be able to see both her parents and I’ll do my best to make that happen if I can!”

Carina holds the elevator door open for her, “Si, I get it, but what I’m saying… I'm saying, not everything needs to go her way. She needs to learn to deal with some stuff.”

“Like what?” Arizona grabs a tablet from the counter a bit too harshly.

“Intendo…while Andrew came here with our mother, I was left in Italy with our father. I wasn’t coddled – I had to deal with my stuff alone. I turned out alright.”

“Yeah. _Y_ _ou’re_ alright.”

“I travel around so much, Arizona. I didn’t ever want to have a baby. It’s alright if you disagree!” Arizona wasn’t sure what she means. “I know more about sandwiches then children, after all.” 

Arizona lets out a soft snort. that’s true. The only child she ever saw Carina get along with was Sofia, and that’s very probably only because she’s her daughter.

Carina continues, "Sofia is a big girl. Kaylie Torres or whatever her name is-"

Arizona flinches, "Callie Torres."

"Right, Callie Torres. She chose to go to New York."

“Carina, you know you actually have no business-”

Arizona’s reply gets cut short by a shrill voice around the corner.

“NO JACKSON. WHY WOULD YOU EVEN _THINK_ ABOUT IT.”

“April, if you will just _listen_ -”

“I. Said. NO.”

Arizona and Carina exchange glances. They gulp and back away. Jackson and April's business...will stay their business. 

“I’ll just head over to the tiny humans,” whispers Arizona before skittering off, in the opposite direction of the heated shouting.

The day passed quickly, as one of those days where the E.R. is perpetually crowded. Few men injured in a garbage truck, a suspicious rash, and a women who stuck a gun up a place we do not have to talk about.

The apartment is much too empty at the end of most days. The busy days at the hospital lets down to very quiet evenings, or, if lucky, dinners with Carina. However, after their conversation this morning, Arizona prefers to steer clear of that option.

Not long after, the two are in April's kitchen, making lasagna and having casual existential crises.

“Carina is so good, you know?” Arizona says, “She makes me _lose my mind_ in bed.”

April nods, “Yeah. I get it. Jackson's a great dad. It’s just his _mother_ insists that our baby – _OUR_ baby gets the Avery last name.”

“And she’s so happy. She’s happy and she makes me happy – ”

“ – I mean what is wrong with Kepner? Kepner is a perfectly respectable last name. _N_ _o_ , it doesn’t open doors, but it means something!”

“– but she’s a free spirit! She travels, she likes sandwiches, and I know, _I know_ she’s staying because of me, but do you think she knows what she’s looking for? I love Sofia more than anything, she should get that –”

“– but NOOO Harriet has to have to Avery last name to ever get anywhere in life because she’s so incapable of not relying on inherited honour –”

“– I feel like Carina's serious, but not quite as in the same place as me…you know that feeling? Like everything is perfectly alright, but that thing that clicks just _decides_ not to click –”

“– it’s stupid! It’s so stupid! just because the almighty Catherine Fox wants to name MY baby, doesn’t mean I will let her. I WILL NOT let her anywhere near –”

“– and then there’s freaking _CALLIOPE_ that shows up at Joe's after leaving Seattle for two years – TWO FRICKING YEARS –”

“– that’s how a child – wait, _what_?” April stops the violent waving of her spatula, “ Callie's back?”

Arizona, in turn, stops glaring at the tomatoes. “You didn’t know?”

“NO! What happened? What did she say? What happened to New York?”

Arizona purses her lips.

“I don’t know. We didn’t talk.”

“But you just said –”

“Yeah, I know. I saw her drinking with Meredith and a few others when I was out with Carina. She didn’t tell me she was coming.”

April wipes her hands on her apron and pulls Arizona down on her couch. “So? If she’s back, she would surely tell you.”

Arizona fiddles with a corner of her flannel and mumbles in a small voice, "Still. If she's just for a visit, I'd expect her to call."

April sighs and sits down next to her, "You know that if it doesn't concern Sofia, then it probably doesn't concern you. I'm sorry."

"I know. I...I don't know."

“She didn’t kidnap Sofia?”

“No.” Arizona chuckles, “Sofia did mention having a ‘really awesome afternoon’ so I suppose they spent some time together.” A horrified expression dawns on Arizona's face, “Oh no. Sofia's lying to me already?!”

“Nah, I don’t think so. Don’t worry. Callie probably told her to say that to not have you worry.”

“So it isn’t much of my business right?” Should she dig deeper into this? “I shouldn’t call her?”

“I don’t think so,” April says, “If she wanted to stay longer she would have definitely told you. I think she’s probably only staying for, like, a day or two.”

“Why wouldn’t she _tell_ me, though?”

April shrugs, “I don’t know, maybe her plane got delayed and the bar thing was spontaneous…or she got drunk in the airport and Mer found her…” she trails off. “Anyhow, believe me, Arizona, even if you two haven't seen each other for two years –”

“We’ve been separated for almost three years. And two months.”

“– and separated for almost four, the way you guys were, she would’ve told you if it were anything serious _or_ long term.”

“Right.” Arizona nods. “Right.”

April opens a bottle wine and hands a glass to Arizona, and they go back to making lasagna before Arizona's itching hand can reach her phone.

//

Everything at New York Presbyterian seems piled up one on top of another in fast-forward mode. Almost every morning, Callie would carpool with Erica and a few of their fellow doctors. Friday mornings crammed in a jeep full of gossiping doctors is normal.

Now, doctors are smart people. They observe, they assess, and sometimes, they can be duller than you would care to believe. Everyone has noticed Erica's occasional stare and ‘careless’ touching. Everyone in that crammed jeep, _everyone_ – except for Callie.

“Soo. Any new couples you guys know about?” pipes the trauma surgeon, eyeing Erica.

Callie's whole and unwavering attention remains on her phone, unaware of Erica's eyes on her. Arizona is taking longer than usual to answer her questions about the next hand-off.

“No. Some conspiring ones, maybe,” says Erica.

The driver (a dark-haired peds surgeon, an unusually serious one in her speciality) looks through the rear-view mirror, “Really?”

“Yup,” Erica replies, “Some.”

A blonde squished between Erica and Callie feigns surprise, “Wow. I wonder what secret relationship is just _blooming_ under our eyes.”

Suddenly, Callie looks up in horror.

“What’s up Torres?” The peds surgeon throws a hopeful glance to Erica, “Something wrong?”

“YES _._ _VERY_ wrong _._ ” She stares at her phone, “I forgot about my fundraiser thing with Grey-Sloan. It’s stupid, but I agreed to it, you know, since I used to work there and everything…”

“Oh.” The surgeons deflate.

Oscar (the trauma surgeon) elbows Erica, and asks, “Does the chief let you bring plus ones?”

“… oh god – what if they tell me to say something? You guys saw how I did with the robot leg speech! Oh nooo…and I don’t have a dress yet, AND it’ll be filled with rich people with rich expectations for speeches…”

“Chill, Callie. You know half the people there.” The blonde pats her back.

“…all looking at me with richy rich checks, and _OH GOD, WILL THERE BE CAMERAS??_ ”

“ _Torres_!”

Callie snaps back into reality. wide-eyed, she looks at Oscar, “yeah?”

“Do they let you bring plus-ones?”

“Y-yeah.”

Lily clears her throat, (Lily, our beloved and serious New York peds surgeon) “Erica! Didn’t you use to work at Grey-Sloan too?”

“I did.” Erica grins, catching on.

“And wouldn’t you think bringing a plus-one would calm your nerves?” Oscar adds.

“Huh. I guess it would.”

The three other doctors stay silent while Callie takes longer time than necessary to ponder this before it dawns on her.

“OH! Erica! you wanna be my plus-one?” Callie grins, “Please?”

Erica exchanges looks with Oscar and Lily, “Of course.”

Callie’s good spirits were disrupted by a call from bailey the week before the fundraiser, telling her she has to arrive soon for the preparations of the gala. Even with her endless complaining, Bailey wouldn’t succumb to the idea of Callie arriving the day of gala, saying that “her duty as chief consists of being well prepared” and that a well-prepared gala need to be _prepared._ (Huh.)

//

Carina is confusing sometimes. Not just how her English that jumbles with Italian sometimes, Arizona usually finds that cute. Carina is caring and funny – lovely, really. Just like she told April, Carina's great, that click that’s supposed to click just _doesn’t want to click._

“Do you want pizza?” Arizona asks, “They’ll probably arrive fast.”

Carina joins Arizona behind the kitchen counter, “I could make something fast, if you want. You eat takeout too much.”

“No, I don’t…do I?”

Carina pokes her in the ribs, “You kind of do.”

Carina combs through the fridge as Arizona kicks herself.

_The Click Clicks with people often! It Clicked with April when they first got drunk on champagne in a supply closet, it Clicked with Richard when he excelled at “trivia night”. Hell, The Click even Clicked with Alex back when he was a little asshole. It Clicked with a few girls, even, before she had met Callie, and it certainly hella Clicked with Callie (well, at least, it Clicked until it didn’t really know how to Click anymore)._

_So. Why won't this stupid click thing just click with Carina?_

The word ‘click’ doesn’t really make sense anymore when Carina finishes heating up the pasta.

She brings two plates over to the the dining room table, and slides a fork over to Arizona’s side.

“Mpf! this is good!”

Carina smiles, “That’s what travelling teaches you!”

Arizona stops for a moment and tears her eyes away from her dinner, “What did you mean when you said you were a free spirit? Like, you know, two weeks ago.”

“Mm?” Carina seems genuinely confused. “Oh. I might have said that.”

“You did. I mean, I just want to know what you meant, exactly.”

“I don’t know, what was I saying when I say that?”

Putting down her fork, Arizona says, “You were talking about Sofia. or rather, how I coddle her. You said you weren’t coddled and you turned out fine. I mean, honestly, it was kind of like you were criticising my parenting, and you shouldn’t be! you know, _criticising_ , because you said it yourself when we started dating, you were interested in me, and me only. – Which I understand, of course, if you don’t want to be a parent. Sofia already has two parents! It’s just that-”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa.” Carina holds up a hand, “I don’t even really remember saying anything! Just… wait a moment.”

“Alright.”

“So, I said I am a free spirit, yes?”

“Yeah. I don’t really get what that means.”

Carina nods, “I have a life. I like you in my life. I travel a very lot, and I stopped that because how much I like you, you get that?”

“Yeah.” Arizona smiles a little.

“I have a life, you're great, but I love my life. Sofia is your kid, your responsibility. I’m so happy with my life, and I'm _very_ happy with you.” She wiggles her fingers in the search of her words, “Pero…I will choose living my own life without you, I won’t change my life for you.”

“Oh.” that wasn’t so bad. “Okay.” she opens her mouth to thank Carina for the dinner when her phone buzzes.

“You ok?”

“Yeah. Thanks for explaining, I gotta answer this.” Arizona falls back into her chair, and picks up.

“Hey, Callie? What’s up?”

“Hey!”

Arizona glances at her watch, “Whoa, isn’t it like, one in morning in New York?” Sofia is with her parents this week, and Callie knows that. They rarely talk about much apart from Sofia anymore.

“Oh, yeah. I'm at the airport, there –”

“The airport? Is everything alright?”

“No yeah, everything’s great. There were no flights at a better hour.” Arizona could hear the distant shuffling of suitcases from Callie's end.

“I should’ve called earlier, I'm sorry,” Callie continues, “Bailey practically forced me into this fundraiser thing…from that fire you guys had? Yeah, and I thought I’d just give you a heads up if you see me around for the next week.”

She could hear Callie fumbling around in a bag.

“Arizona? Hello? You still there?”

“Y-yeah. yeah.” Arizona doesn’t know what else to say. “Where are you staying?”

An intercom faintly announces boarding directions for a flight New York to Seattle.

“I'm staying at Meredith’s for the week.”

“Oh.”

“I should go, sorry. Ugh. I think I'm heading in the opposite direction of the boarding gate.”

“Sure. Be careful.”

“Yeah. Thanks.” Arizona can hear the phone being clutched between Callie's chin and shoulder.

“I’ll see you around, then.”

Callie's voice is still a bit muffled, “Yeah! See you around.”

Arizona hangs up first. She wandered into her bedroom while on the phone, and she can hear Carina washing the dishes in the kitchen.

“Arizona? That was Callie?” She calls from the kitchen.

Arizona drifts out of the bedroom, still a little dazed, “Yeah. I think Bailey’s dragging her over to Seattle for the gala next week.”

“Pfft. That sounds like Bailey.” Carina shakes her head, “dragging the poor women across the country after almost two years.”

Arizona shakes her head too. “Yeah.”

“Hey! But I’ll get to meet Sofia’s other mom!”

“Oo.” Arizona finally snaps out of her daze at the thought of Carina and Callie in the same room. “You think that’s a good idea?”

“I think so. you guy’s have been apart for…five years?”

“Less than four.”

“Yeah, Callie sounds nice. She’s been gone for two years and people still like her around here.”

“Yeah. Guess so.”

Carina doesn’t seem too bothered, “I think we’ll be fine.”

Arizona waits until Carina drifts off to sleep before climbing down the six flights of stairs leading to the street. She lights a cigarette and stands by a street lamp until one in the morning.


	4. Chapter 4

**_PART I - SEND MY LOVE (TO YOUR NEW LOVER)_ **

**_\- Adele_ **

> _I'm giving you up,_
> 
> _I’ve forgiven it all,_
> 
> _you set me free._

“My plus-one is stuck in New York with a little boy who has his heart growing in his stomach,” Callie groans, “and I don’t even know why Bailey needed me for this.”

“It’s ‘cause you’re the ortho goddess!” Meredith pats Callie's back, “More publicity, more world-famous surgeons to woo billionaires, the better.”

“So I’m just publicity?”

“Bailey misses you too!” she grins, “She’ll just never admit to having feelings.”

Callie shifts on the bumpy couch of the attendings’ lounge, already on her third cup of coffee. Amelia and Meredith are hunching over a pile of papers, sprawled next to her. A light drizzle outside encases the hospital in a peaceful bubble, too peaceful to pop.

“You’d better slow down on those,” Amelia nudges Callie's elbow, “or you’ll get a tumour growing in your brain before you know it.” 

“And change into some clean scrubs, you smell like an airport.”

“Wow.” Callie grunts, “You guys really lost all fun when you became moms.” She pushes her self upright. “It was a six-hour plane ride at _one in the morning._ ” Her head sinks into the pillow again, “I have the right to be tired.”

Amelia scoffs, “You’re the one that ditched us for a little redheaded resident, talk about not being fun.” Raising her head, she adds, “And I’m NOT a mom.”

“Yeah, well, same difference when you’re basically raising a foster kid with your ex-husband. All the while catching feelings.”

Callie nods, agreeing. “It’s kind of cute, really. It’s like a twisted 18th century novel, written by some old dude sitting by the docks, imagining the weird life he never got to have.” She giggles when Amelia throws a pen towards her head, “Omelia–ha! dodged it!– is a funny name though, sounds like one of those vitamins said old people take.”

Meredith snorts.

After another few minutes of gossip, Callie finally hauls herself out of the couch to change into some clean clothes. Despite Meredith and Amelia’s protests, (– “no, Callie, go back to my place, you need rest after your flight!”–), but Callie persists in crashing in the lounge, claiming that she will be up early next morning to talk to Bailey anyway.

“Alright, but if a stray patient comes in to attack you, you’ll be on your own.” Meredith grumbles.

Callie can barely lift a hand to wave her off, already buried deep in three pillows on the bottom bunk.

//

Arizona elbows the door open. This lounge is barely used, except for an occasional attending who crashes on the bunks. Today, the room is blissfully empty, thank god. The door creaks open, and she makes a beeline towards the coffee cart.

Content and sipping on her coffee, she heads over to the couch. It’s only when she’s about to sit down in front of the window that she finally sees Callie, fast asleep, and that her heart went ahead and misses a beat.

Callie had cut her hair again, the ends sprawling across her shoulders. Her chest rising and falling only ever so lightly, just enough to indicate that she was in fact, only sleeping. She’s so still. A stray strand of hair is hovering on the tip of her nose, trembling with her every breath. Her left hand is tucked under her chin, and her right arm reaches across the bed. That right arm will probably be cramped when she wakes up, Arizona smiles to herself.

She sees Callie asleep in their bed, hair tousled, _her sex hair_. She sees Callie asleep, a purple bruise already forming on her collarbone, because Arizona always had a thing for her collarbone. She sees Callie asleep, in the crook of her neck and she sees herself with her arms falling asleep because Callie is using it as a pillow. And she would never pull her arm out, because no way in hell was she going to disturb the perfect image of her wife sleeping next to her. 

The whole room remains immobile, motionless, except for the tip of the hair hovering on Callie’s nose. It feels almost surreal, and nothing seems to have enough authority to be even _allowed_ to move. They remain in that stillness for all the moments Arizona takes to follow the up and downs of Callie’s breathing.

Arizona approaches, setting her cup on the end table. She has no idea what she's doing. She takes a blanket lying on the couch and covers Callie with it, ever so carefully. Her touch is so slight, it’s barely even there when she brushes the rebellious strand of hair behind Callie’s ear.

She only hesitates a little bit when she grazes her bare neck.

Almost guilty, Arizona steps back and grabs her now cold coffee to find a new couch to sulk in.

As soon as she finishes her coffee, she bumps into a Carina with her eyebrows furrowed very tight.

“Where were you this morning?”

Arizona flashes her a smile. “Oh. I came in early to finish up some post-ops I forgot about.”

“You not upset?” Carina raises an eyebrow, “About what I said? About my life and Sofia and that stuff?”

“What? Noo.”

“Okay.” She pauses, “you sure?”

“Yeah, yeah. Of course.”

Carina still doesn’t seem too convinced. She tags along next to Arizona, following her up a flight of stairs.

“You look upset.”

Arizona scoffs, “no I don’t.”

“You do.”

Carina’s eyes widen, “Is it because of your ex-wife coming?”

“Carina. I told you, I’m not upset!”

She catches Arizona’s arm and spins her around and the top of the stairs.

“You are! I want to know why!” When Arizona raises her head, she sees Carina looking very serious. The most serious she had ever seen her. Usually, Carina was one to be light-hearted, care-free, focusing much on only the fun bits of things.

“Arizona, I said, I do really care about you. Please, do not just go like that.”

She falters a bit. shuffling her feet, (or rather, her foot), she reminds herself to breathe.

“I saw Callie this morning.”

“So it IS about your ex-wife!”

“No! No, no, it’s not about her. I –”

“Oh but it is! you seem so…disturbed, like, you are _upset_.”

Arizona crosses her arms, “First, when you use the word disturbed like that, it makes me sound like I’m crazy. Second, I was – I was _thinking. I_ was a _teeny tiny little_ bit annoyed. That’s all!”

“Was it? was it really? Annoyed over Callie?”

“Oh- would you STOP bringing her up!?”

“WHY? You _say_ it’s not about her, but her name makes you flinch!” Carina steps closer, “I don’t know! Maybe she did something to you or-or maybe she was a bad person, but that doesn’t –”

“ _W_ _hat?_ Callie was nothing like that! Callie wouldn't ever do anything!”

“Then why do you still care so much?”

“I _don’t!_ ” Arizona almost shouts that last word, “Why do _you_ care?”

“I care because you care! When I said about choosing myself to be happy over you, this,” Carina waves a finger between them, “is what I was–”

She stops suddenly, and takes a step backward. Her look turns cold, head leaning into the wall. “You’re not over her.”

“ _WHAT?_ ” Arizona looks downright offended, “ _Of course_ I’m over her! Why else do you think I’m with you?” Quieter, she adds, "It's been over three years, Carina."

She quietly thanks the universe for this lonely stairwell in the very back of the hospital.

Carina lets her hands drop to her side, “I don’t know!”

A pager beeps rapidly, and Carina looks down. “It’s mine.”

“We are _not_ finished with this conversation yet.”

But Carina is already walking away, shaking her head.

Arizona spends the next three days shifting nervously whenever someone came around the corner and avoiding the ortho department. On Wednesday, shift almost over, she signs off the last of the paperwork when Alex saunters over to her desk.

“What is it, Karev?” She barely lifts her head.

“In your–hey! I thought we were on first name basis!”

“Alright.” she says, “ _Alex_. What’s up?”

Alex looks pleased. “Callie wanted me to tell you that she left a bag of Sofia’s books in the lounge on the second floor. Mentioned something like Sofia might be needing them for her project on the titanic next semester…or some stuff along those lines.”

Arizona raises her head and a barely noticeable grimace shadows her face, “Why didn’t she come tell me herself?”

Alex shrugs, already leaving, “She said she needed to go buy a new dress with Mer tonight and she was already on the phone with her gir- with someone. talking bout crap girls talk about, you know?”

Arizona shoots up right after Alex disappears around the corner. Carina is all cold and distant after their fight in the stairwell, and now Callie doesn’t think it’s appropriate for them to talk in person after leaving Seattle for two years? Everything is just fucking ridiculing her now. The universe is screwing with her for fun.

She storms off to the elevators. 

The small rush of adrenaline burns in her jaw and she grinds her teeth. She fights off the urge to punch the wall that whisks her shoulder, and strains her eyes on the floor right in front of her. This is fucking ridiculous. 

A quick flash of the brown hair between the elevator door catches her attention right away when she lifts her head. Her fingers are jittery when Callie’s laughter meets her through the closing doors.

Arizona rushes forward and sticks her hand between the mere inches left of space.

“Oh…you have got to- oh! I need to go, Erica. Bye!” Callie hangs up and the look of pure surprise sticks on her face.

Arizona had forgotten how much she didn’t rehearse in her head (she really should have), how good Callie’s shorter hair looked, and how clueless she is to what she’s doing in an elevator, facing her.

And she forgot about how many floors this hospital has. 

Callie almost looks exactly they way she did nine years ago, not a day older, not a day younger. But all the air around her is different…feels different, _tastes_ different. Yet her old leather jacket still hangs at the exact angle next to her arms. Arizona feels like she's staring at Callie, but she's not really seeing her, and she hates her. Because knowing Callie well was something she prided herself on. Now, she can't recognise any of the sparkles in Callie's eyes. 

She knows she's about the start panicking. 

The way Callie head cocks to the side as she is surprised isn’t something she used to do. Neither did she use to hold herself up so… _well_. Her mascara is less dense, more of an elegant stroke across her lashes. Her eyes, though, her eyes… the second before, laughing, still sparkled with strange new words, now dissolve to everything Arizona had always known.

Her look never changes or waivers.

Everything about her screams in the similarity as the women that first caught Arizona’s eyes across the bar, yet everything _around_ her _begs_ to differ.

Callie is looking at Arizona. She is looking, but she is not seeing the little corners of dark in her eyes, or her skimming sight. She doesn’t know what to say.

No one would know what to say to ex-wife, kind-of-friend, old lover, and co-parent of the child you had with your deceased best friend.

Callie decides to go first this time. And turns out, that's all it took to keep Arizona from panicking. 

“H-hey.”

Arizona still seems completely dazed, but she manages to squeeze out a weak “hey” back.

“So.” Callie musters her best smile, “You seemed like you were in a hurry.”

“Oh. Right. Yeah.” Her voice feels weird. “I…um…wanted to go get those books for Sofia. Alex passed the message on. you know, from you. I thought I’ll go get them. Right away. Ahem, yeah, anyway, I saw you laughing. I mean, by chance, of course, so I was like, oh! Well, better go say hi.”

Arizona didn’t even notice how tense she was until Callie lets out a breath and chuckles.

“Well… _hi_.”

Arizona laughs a little too.

“So. Um, how have you been?” 

“I’m fine.” she pauses, “You?”

“I’m great.” Callie’s lips move for a bit, searching for something to talk about, “Uh, how’s Carina?”

For the second time in the last minute and a half, Arizona is at a loss.

The first year over the phone, Callie talked about befriending Erica again, and, eventually, breaking up with Penny. Arizona had listened, and talked about cool surgeries and the fire. Inevitably, over the time, their conversations over the phone over the past years had gradually become completely centred around Sofia. The occasional small talk. The inevitable awkward silences. 

“She’s…she’s great. How do you–”

Callie grins and shrugs, “People still talk, around here.” When she sees Arizona looking kind of sick, she quickly adds, “No- you look upset. You should know that the talk is good.”

“That sounds familiar.” Arizona mumbles.

The elevator doors open and Callie holds an arm out, blocking the door from sliding out, letting Arizona walk out first.

“People like you guys!” she says.

Arizona nods, stepping out, “And…it’s not awkward?”

“What? Talking _about_ her or talking _with_ her?”

“You guys met?”

“Yeah,” Callie says, “one of her patients had a broken femur.” Her head tilts to the right again, “she’s nice, and pretty, and her accent is cute – not that I'm trying to steal your girl.” She grins again, her dopey big grin that Arizona feels sick to the core seeing. She doesn't want Callie to be happy for her and Carina, as stupid as it sounds. 

God, her smile never changes.

“Thanks...?” Arizona laughs nervously. “We just had a fight a few days ago. We haven’t been talking much.”

“Oh. Sorry.” Callie thinks Arizona really did look really happy with Carina, “But you guys sound happy together. She sounds like she makes you _really_ happy. That should be all that matter, shouldn’t it?”

“Of course. She does make me happy.”

"Then go win your girl back, Arizona. Seriously, I wish you guys the very best."

Callie waves at Meredith waiting for her in front of the front desk, “Mer’s waiting, i gotta go. Go fix whatever you got going on with your girlfriend while you still can. Don't let everyone slip right between your fingertips when you can say something about it and stop the process of losing them."

Having a conversation about her newfound girlfriend with Callie has a delicately morbid feeling to it.

“Sure. I’ll see you later.”

Callie sends back one last smile before hurrying over to Meredith.

> _send my love to your new lover,_
> 
> _treat her better,_
> 
> _I’ve gotta let go of all of our ghosts,_
> 
> _we both know we ain’t kids no more._

**_PART II - DON'T WORRY, YOU WILL_ **

**_\- lovelytheband_ **

> _I can make you happy for awhile,_
> 
> _smile for a little,_
> 
> _pretending like my heart ain’t broke._

The infamous frat house of Seattle Mercy Death holds true to its name. The day before the fundraiser, Meredith, Alex and Callie are all flopped on the floor, holding dearly onto bottles of beer and tequila, contemplating life at the moment.

“Jo still doesn’t want to get married.” Alex groans.

“Riggs is gone, and I broke my temporary sex friend’s junk.” Meredith stares upwards. “Hey! is that a piece of old gum stuck on my ceiling?”

“I’m worried you guys will still hate Erica.” Callie takes a swing. “And yeah, Mer, that gum has been stuck there since I first came here with George.”

“Why would we hate Erica?”

“Eh.” Callie swirls her beer around, “Even _I_ hated her for awhile when she ghosted me in the middle of a parking lot. And she certainly was a lot meaner with you guys than with me.”

“Well, ditching you was a pretty assy move. And she _did_ screw around with Cristina’s career just ‘cause she felt like it.”

Alex grunts in agreement.

“She’s my plus one, and Bailey was actually pretty hyped up about it.” Callie frowns and turns to Meredith, “You don’t think Bailey’s got a crush on Erica?”

Meredith looks terrified while Alex chokes on his tequila, “Oh _GOD_ no. nononono. Bailey’s hyped because Erica’s a world-renowned cardiothoracic surgeon that’s coming to _her_ hospital’s fundraiser.” she shivers, “but now that you’ve put the image in my head, I’ll have nightmares tonight.”

Callie chuckles too, “Okay, okay.”

They lie on the floor for another while, staring at the old piece of pink gum.

“She really did become a better person.” Callie says, after the silence, “She’s become a pretty good friend, too.”

Alex snorts, “Dude. no need to keep you guys doing it a secret here.”

“You guys literally made out like high school girls in my _ear_.”

“Okay first, we didn't roll the sheets. You guys just don't listen to me when I keep telling you that nothing happened and that nothing will. She probably forgot that anything ever even happened between us anyway.” Callie bites her lip and adds in a smaller voice, "'Cause it didn't seem so hard to just walk away."

"Aw, Callie, you're Erica's loss."

"Agreed." Alex smirks, "But you were going on and on about how good she smells."

She glares at him.

"I was drunk. She does smell good, unlike you, who always smell like old socks. If anything were to ever happen, and I doubt it will, I'll tell her we're just friends."

They flop down again, in unison.

“But you guys will try to be friendly? She arrives tonight.”

Meredith and Alex both grunts simultaneously.

//

The roof of the hospital is a peaceful place. The sky is grey, incompliant to the interns’ excited buzz about the upcoming gala. Whereas this dull grey settles quite nicely with the attendings’ indifference and on occasion, dread.

Arizona flicks the cigarette between her fingers, takes a last puff, and crushes it under her heel. The sides of her lab coat billow with the breeze blowing over Seattle. She needs to find Carina, putting aside their fight, they still need to go to the fundraiser together tomorrow.

The elevator from the rooftop is always very slow, creaking and clanking on the way down. She rocks back and forth on the balls of her feet, with her hands stuffed deep into the pockets of her lab coat.

The doors slide open and Arizona steps out briskly, catching up to Richard.

“Hey! Richard!” Their friendship thrived over the past two years. His advice, when it came to women, was always surprisingly good, and Arizona liked listening to stories he told about dating at Seattle Grace before she came. “Have you seen Carina?”

“Uh, I think she was with Hunt somewhere over at the supply closets in the east wing,” he says, “They were laughing about something.”

“She was with Hunt?”

Amelia suddenly pops out of a corner, “Owen? What’s up with Owen?”

Richard exchanges smirks with Arizona, “He’s just fine, don’t you worry.”

“and you really aren’t very subtle with crushes, you know that?”

Amelia, flustered, slams an undignified hand on her chest, “ _whaaat?_ Owen? feelings? _nahhhh._ There’s nothing. I mean, there was _once_ something, but that was the tumour. and that didn’t work out. I almost bailed on that wedding anyways. Besides, we went to Joe's last night, and he’s already looking at other people you know? So, I told him to take a sexual sorbet, or just…sleep with someone to, I don’t know, clear his head? Although now I’m questioning my own advice …”

“Whoa. Take it easy,” Arizona passes her hand through the crook of Amelia’s elbow. with her in tow, she drags them both to the east wing whilst Amelia continues questioning her own advice. “Come on. I'm going to find Carina and you’re going to find Owen. Come on.”

“…oh nooo. what if he falls in love with whatever sexual sorbet he’s having and forget all about me??” she snaps her head towards Arizona, “not that he can’t. I mean, we’re just friends. But you’re supposed to just _forget_ about your friends either.”

Reaching a crossroad, Arizona lets go of Amelia, “Alright…I’ll go to the right and you can go to the left. Page me if you find Carina!”

They go separate ways, but Arizona can still hear Amelia mumbling to herself, under her breath.

The shelves with layers and layers of towels are kind of blocking the way, so Arizona sticks close to the wall, walking close to the doors of one supply closet after another. The doorknobs punch her in stomach more than once.

She hears Carina’s giggles in a distant room.

What is she up to? And how can she sound so happy when Arizona has no idea what Carina wants or needs from her? She can’t cut all conversations with Callie, she’s Sofia’s mother after all! Anyhow, if _Callie_ makes Carina insecure, then-

Her arm that rose to knock on the door falls limp to her side as she peers through the window and see Carina’s face against Owen’s.

Kissing.

////

Carina jogs along Arizona’s side.

_How can someone with a prosthetic walk so fast?_

“Arizona please listen to me-”

Holding a hand up, Arizona interrupts her sentence. She doesn’t want to hear anything.

“But you have to-”

Arizona glares at the floor, not hearing anything but an angry crashing deep in her ears.

Carina doesn’t take it. She stops in front of Arizona, forcing the other women to pause her running away.

“I was confused after our conversation! I needed to find myself again. I was confused and hurt.”

“Find yourself?” Arizona’s voice is low, controlled, and her face is blank. She leers at the wall behind Carina’s head instead of her eyes. “Confused? How does that even _begin_ to justify-”

“I didn’t know _what_ we were after the fight!”

Arizona scoffs. She purses her lips so tight Carina can only see a thin line. She pushes past Carina and continues walking away.

Carina sticks behind her, unwavering.

“Arizona. _Arizona.”_ She says, “You don’t get to-”

“I don’t get to? _I don’t get to?”_

“You cheated once too.”

This time, it’s Arizona who stops dead in her tracks.

She lifts her head painfully slowly. Her eyes bore into those of Carina for a good minute before opening her mouth.

“That. Was. SO. Different.”

Carina looks queasy, but she holds her ground.

“Was it? It is still cheating.”

Arizona’s face isn’t blank anymore. It’s wild. It’s filled with emotions Carina doesn’t know the name to. Without warning, Arizona swings around and stalks to the nearest on-call room and slams the door before she can utter another word.

The light drizzle that has been continuing for the past week turns into a cold shower.

April let out a little yelp when she heard the door being slammed so forcefully, and drops her granola bar. However, when she sees Arizona’s expression, she abandons all thought of her granola bar and rushes over.

Arizona leans against the door, closing her eyes and listens to the raindrops’ patter against the window.

“What happened?”

Still immobile, Arizona says, “Carina was making out with Owen in a supply closet.” Her voice is deadly calm.

For a long time, Arizona stays by the door. If she wasn’t standing and occasionally clenching her fist, April would’ve thought that she fell asleep.

“Why do people cheat?”

Arizona’s question hovers in the air, none of the two touching it. It lingers on the ends of their hair, over their eyelashes, and wraps around their fingers, but neither says anything.

At last, she lets go of the door and sits down beside April on the bed and says, “I guess they don’t ever have a good reason,” talking to herself more than anything.

“Arizona...”

“You know what she said after she didn’t come up with a good reason?” Her voice is still so _so_ calm. “She told me, ‘You cheated once too’.”

“You don’t have to-”

“I know. But you want to know the worst part? The worst part is that somehow explains it more than her reasons did.”

When Arizona eyes were closed, just moments before against the door, she wasn’t thinking of Carina. The anger hadn’t registered yet. She was thinking about Callie, and how she had reacted to the exact same thing in a parallel time. _No_. She had just said herself; it was different, it isn’t the exact same. Had Callie felt the blinding white flash of something cut through right down her middle? Had she wanted to scream, but nothing came out? Or did she feel this deadly calm too? No, of course Callie wasn’t calm. They had engaged in a shouting match right afterwards.

April doesn’t look at her with pity. She doesn’t have a name for whatever April is looking at her with. Absentmindedly, she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a cigarette. She lights it, and keeps floating around in the little lake in her head.

She expects the anger to hit soon, the lake to erupt into crashing waves and throw things against the wall.

“Well…you can be my plus-one tomorrow.” Aprils says with a tentative smile.

Arizona puffs out a small cloud of smoke, “Aren’t you dating Mathew again?”

“Yeah. We don’t want the judgement or opinions of every other worker in the hospital. We’ve been through so much since we were together…we know each other’s pain like we know our own. It’s precious and fragile.” Her gaze goes somewhere far for a moment, “Something good came out of everything…but we wanted to keep it to ourselves. For now.”

Arizona nods, “You’re stuck being my date to a big, fancy gala, then.”

After awhile, April says quietly, “Why aren’t you furious?”

The lake is still so peaceful. It’s still peaceful. Arizona is surprised, too, because she expected the waves to crash a long time ago. Curiously, her drifting in the lake only ends with the thought of Callie pressed against her forehead.

_You didn’t lose anything!_

_Apparently, I lost you._

Ergo, all she can manage is, “I don’t know.”

A silence ensues. April breaks it again with another question.

“Arizona. Are you thinking about Callie?”

She finally meets April’s eyes.

“I think I am.”

> _She said,_ _I don’t wanna find a reason to doubt you,_
> 
> _I said,_ _don’t worry, you will._


	5. Chapter 5

_**WHEN WE WERE YOUNG** _

_**\- Adele** _

> _And a part of me keeps holding on,_
> 
> _Just in case it hasn’t gone,_
> 
> _‘Cause I still care._
> 
> _Do you still care?_

The shower is downright pouring by the morning of the fundraiser. Erica’s plane just barely landed when the airport decides to cancel all departing and arriving flights.

Arizona steps into the room with April by her side.

“Wow. They hired the same acrobats after what happened last time?”

April looks up at the people twisting and turning on the ribbons above their head, “Yeesh. I guess they did.” She glances back at Arizona, who looks like she’s going to be sick.

“Hey. If you’re too tired to do this, we can always snag five bottles of champagne and find a supply closet to cry in.”

She squeezes out a small smile, “I think I’m going to be okay.”

April returns her smile and continues talking about the dangers of mid-air splits and shrimp. Meanwhile, Arizona feels uneasy, her eyes darting around with no destination. She doesn’t know what they are searching for, knowing Carina had skipped the event without telling Bailey.

And then, without warning, her head spins when her gaze catches a red dress entering the room from across. The stormy sky outside rumbles and laughs and sings songs no one ever heard of.

Callie’s hair flow in delicate waves around her face, as do a river flowing for the first time in spring, the little curls at the bottom barely cling to the top of her shoulders. It glints as the night without a moon, hiding behind thunderclouds. Her skin battles the blue and purple lights overhead, none of the two more adequate for a night out than the other. The way she walks in the dress is almost frightening, so much she steps smoothly upon the floor.

Her smile, oh her smile.

Arizona is positive the heavens overhead could see it as clearly as she can, forcing the brightest of the stars to retire into the night, if only just to see her smile light the room up for another while. It takes you off guard and sprawls itself onto your heart, Arizona thinks, just tight enough to make it difficult to breathe.

Arizona is already half-expecting it, she doesn’t know why, but she just _is_. Is it the old habits? Or is it new found peace? No matter, because Callie’s eyes had found hers, and it is making her knees weak, splintering under everything. The moment their gazes cross, time spins and whirls so that they were exactly like they were, years before. Their gaze simple, true, only shining with bliss.

But then, time aligns itself again after the brief second, and Callie smiles politely to the people lined up in suits around her.

“Arizona? You didn’t hear a word I say, didn’t you?” April nibbles on the end of a shrimp. “Hm. Oh. And now I see why.”

“What?” Arizona frowns, “What do you mean?”

“You had such a blissfully content look. You looked like Jesus just blessed you for eternity.” April’s laugh has a dim shadow to it, “And the last time you had that look, you were looking at Callie across the kitchen during your thirty-day break.”

Arizona shrugs and says, “Yeah. I saw her walk in.” Walking away, she gestures April to follow, “I’m going to get a glass of champagne.”

“Alright…”

Over among the bottles of champagne, April finds Arizona still looking at Callie. Somehow, it only takes her two seconds to find that face in this room full of people of suits and dresses. April clears her throat, “So! Arizona! Did you break up with Carina?”

“ _What?_ ”

“Um. I mean, did you guys talk at all yesterday? You know, after we left that on-call room with you still being so terrifyingly calm?” says April, lowering her voice and pulling her face together, bestowing upon it instead a serious expression.

Arizona swirls the champagne slowly in her cup, “Yeah. I broke up with her.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

April blinks, “Are we…happy about that?”

“April. We’re friends.” Arizona smiles, “You can just go ahead and ask me why I didn’t give her a second chance when I got one.”

April lets out a weak noise somewhere between a trapped mouse and a ‘yes’.

“I didn’t because I didn’t feel like it would…work.” It was a very gut-directed decision. She had thought a lot of it, but no explanation explained just why she just didn’t _want_ to. It just didn’t feel _right_ to give Carina another chance. “I don’t know. But I know it’s the right thing. I think.”

April blinks again. “So… you just…didn’t?”

“Yup.”

“But…you did ch- I mean, im on your side, of course, Arizona, but I just…Callie forgave you.” she mumbles after, right away, “Tried to, anyway.”

Arizona pours more champagne into her glass, “I don’t know. Now that it happened to me, I don’t know how to feel about anything about her, or anyone, anymore.” She downs the glass, “Not right now, anyway.”

Giving up running marathons through the wrinkles in her brain, Arizona decides to take a walk around. The ceiling is high, so high that it makes you want to fly up there and look down from its height and marvel at the small heads of so many people. The tables of food are endless, like the tables from Hogwarts, plates being filled, overflowing with shrimp, pigs-in-a-blankets, chocolate dipped strawberries…

Callie’s dress isn’t _easy_ on the eyes. No, it doesn’t make Arizona float or giggle of prettiness, it’s something else entirely. It slams into Arizona with a force that can knock the air out of her, only it doesn’t. All the air that it has the power to take, it lets flow into her lungs, slowly, little by little, keeping her on the tip of her toes. The bright red is a force of nature, a beauty that isn’t _easy_. A harsh, burning, breathtaking beauty.

Breathtaking.

She finds Alex waving her over to a small circular table where he’s stuffing his mouth full of pigs-in-a-blanket with Richard studying him, clearly disturbed.

“How can anyone stuff _so much_ into their mouth all at once?” Richard whispers to her once she’s beside him.

She laughs, “Alex can.”

And _that dress_ is enough to be prayed to in temples. It arches ever so slightly under the collarbones not be modest, but not quite enough of the chest to be improper. The fabric scrunches above the right hip, hugging her curves, overlapping gracefully for the right leg to be free of the dress, a slim cut dropping down from the thigh to the feet. The back of the dress is almost…well, inexistent. It plunges low, screaming for the ceiling to go just a little higher, to have more space to tolerate the stares it drew in, and halt to its break right above the dip in her back.

“Robbins. Robbins. Stop staring.”

Arizona turns to Richard right away. “Im not staring. There’s nothing to stare at.”

“You staring at Erica?”

“Erica? As in Erica Hahn?” Callie mentioned rekindling their friendship during her first few months.

Alex wipes his mouth, “Yup. You were staring right in her direction. Don’t worry, she’s pretty cool now.”

In Hahn’s direction?

“I mean, Callie practically forced me and Mer to get into a conversation with her. She was worried Erica would feel awkward, but honestly?” Alex says, “She’s practically a whole new person then who she was when she ditched Callie. She’s legit pretty cool.”

“Huh.”

“Yeah, I suppose that’s why she’s Callie’s plus-one, her looks certainly didn’t fade over the years.”

“Huh?” Callie’s plus-one?

“Damn. And they have matching red dresses.”

Yes. Calliope and Erica both have red dresses. Not identical, but both red, classy…matching. Arizona sees Bailey and Warren dancing to the slow song playing from the speakers, but nothing feels right.

The shrimp are too red and glossy, the champagne too sparkly, the acrobats spinning too high. The pouring rain, Arizona will hear if she approaches the side of the room, is now a thunderstorm, slapping the pavements, too loud.

“NO JACKSON. SHE IS _OUR_ DAUGHTER.”

Suited glances fly to April, face red and angry.

“No, April, if you’ll just listen instead of _yelling_ every time I bring it up-”

“NO. _YOU_ DON’T GET TO MAKE THAT DECISION WITH YOUR _MOTHER_.”

“I didn’t. That’s why I’m asking you right now-”

“KEPNER IS A PERFECTLY RESPECTABLE-”

“AND THE AVERY NAME HAS ITS BENE-”

“OH YES. YES. AVERY AND AAALLL ITS GLORY.”

They attract more curious looks, from everyone near the shouting, and Alex abandons his pigs-in-a-blankets to rush over to Jackson’s side. Arizona, only a step behind him, almost has to physically carry April away.

Amelia and Owen, nearly the only ones beside the couple that’s not paying attention, are having a just as heated conversation in furious whispers. As she’s dragging April away from the possibility of running Jackson over in the middle of a huge gala, she catches a few snippets of their conversation.

“Amelia- I really do like you!”

“Oh really? You liked me so much to snog someone else?”

“You told me to-”

“I was _not thinking!_ ”

“But still-”

“Nothing changes the fact that you…”

Tapping Richard on the shoulder, Arizona says, “You better go see how Amelia and Hunt are doing before someone throws a punch. And check on Bailey too. She looks like she just might explode.”

Bailey is next to Erica, wearing plain horrification, the same horrified as when she found interns cutting L-Vads and the board shutting down genome labs.

“Oh god. Yes. Excellent idea.”

Coming to a stop in the thin corridor outside, Arizona lets go of the death clutch on April’s elbow.

“Wow. You sure do grab hard.”

“Yeah, well wait until Harriet’s six. She’ll be jumping around in trees and slides. A death clutch is an everyday necessity.”

April huffs, “Yeah. Harriet _KEPNER_ -Avery.” Wincing, she adds, “Although you might’ve broken my elbow.”

“Stop ittt. You gave birth. You can handle a little bruise. Besides, just about the worlds best ortho surgeon is here. She’ll build you a new arm if you don’t like bruises.”

April’s eyebrows shoot up to her hairline.

“World’s best, huh?”

Bailey, still rendered into horrification, turns to Callie. “Torres. You’re giving a speech after the quick intermission.”

“NO!”

“Please. Don’t argue. We’ve had plenty of anger for one day.”

“But-”

Bailey gives Callie the Bailey Stare™. “Kepner and Avery robbed Karev and Robbins from me. Shepherd and Hunt are on the damn _verge_ to start screaming at each other, with only Pierce and Richard holding them back. Grey probably went off to a bathroom with Deluca, and the other Deluca is home crying because Robbins broke her poor little heart. Hahn – no offence – only worked here for, what, five months a century ago?”

Erica really _is_ more pleasant than she once was. “None taken.”

“Please Bailey-”

“Nuh-uh. Torres. You’re the only one left I trust to save this evening.” She says before scuttling off to find Meredith.”

Callie stays frozen after Bailey leaves. Erica lifts a tentative hand, “You…good?”

“I feel sick.”

“Take a breath, Callie. Take a breath.”

“I CAN’T!” Callie is somehow crouched against the tall walls in one of the slim hallways outside of the huge ballroom after being dragged out by Erica to prevent her from panicking in the middle of a crowd of billionaires. “A speech? A FRICKIN SPEECH!”

“Its just a speech. Think about that. Just a speech.”

“Just a speech? Erica-”

Erica puts an arm around Callie’s shoulders, “You’ve done way scarier procedures in the O.R.! You’ve stood up in courtrooms to defend yourself! In a few minutes, all that’s gonna happen is you, sweet talking to some rich people about medicine!”

Arizona wanders back and forth while April gathers herself.

“In retrospect, I suppose the shouting could’ve waited until the gala is over.”

Arizona stops and chuckles, “You think?”

“Yeah. Not my brightest moment.”

“Come on, the hallways are long, we’ll walk. You’ll have time to extinguish that little fire.”

April falls into pace alongside Arizona.

“You know, Hunt told me once about how you get all ignited when provoked.”

“What?” And she realises, “OH. Oh no. Come on! The ambulance thing was so long ago!”

“I know, I know. But I never believed it. Its good, April, having a little fire will only make them respect you more.”

April grins, “Okay.”

The two walks in silence for a while, until April looks up and asks Arizona, “What did you mean by ‘world’s best ortho surgeon’?”

“I don’t know. It is kind of true.”

“And you were staring. Like, _really_ _really_ looking.”

“Are you suggesting that I might-”

Their banter is interrupted by a half-amused voice.

“Its gonna be alright! Relax!”

The second voice flutters around Arizona’s ears, refusing to register, “ _Alright?_! Erica! You are one of my best friends. Do _not_ make me want to strangle you.”

April mouths some incomprehensible words to Arizona, who stays glued to the wall, listening to the conversation behind a corner, eyes wide.

“What do you want me to say then? You’re awesome! I believe in you!”

Callie groans, “I don’t even know what to talk about.”

April tugs Arizona arm, eyes wide, waving her arms, perhaps as a question?

“Ill help you think of something if you want.” Erica’s voice pricks her ears, “Do you want to get something to eat first?”

“No! I feel sick…”

“Alright.”

“Oh god…and this time, no one will hold my hair back while I hurl…”

“What?”

“...Nothing.”

“I can do that if you want.”

April feels herself being grabbed (again) by Arizona’s death clutch and being dragged (again) in the opposite direction. Hurting, but she still finds the time to marvel at Arizona’s speed with high heels and a fake leg.

“Ow! What was that for!?”

She sees Arizona’s flustered face; makeup smudged under her right eye.

“I'm the one who holds her hair back while she hurls.”

After the intermission, when all the bickering surgeons’ frustrations with each other has died down, the suits all stand in a pile, looking expectantly at the stage. Callie’s face is flushed red too, hands trembling, standing somewhere on the fine line of nervous and going nuts.

Sitting in fancy dinner table chairs, April whispers, “Arizona. What was that about?”

“What was what about?”

“I don’t know! The hurling thing, the look in your eyes, and how you’ve been staring for the whole gala!”

“What? No.”

“Uh, do too.”

Reaching over, April pinches Arizona’s forearm. Hard.

“OW!” She gives her a dirty look, “what was _that_ for?!”

“Revenge for your death clutch.” April hisses, “And its not nothing! Be honest!”

Arizona rolls her eyes, “I was just pissed. Annoyed. However you wanna call it.”

April’s eyebrows are tight knit when she reaches over to pinch Arizona again. This time, she swats her fingers away.

“Why are you so angry?”

“I don’t know.”

“Honestly!”

“Fine.” Arizona glares at April, then glares to the stage, then glares at Erica, who is behind Callie, patting her back, then finally glares back to April.

"So?"

Arizona lets something burst inside her stomach, “The world crashes down every time she smiles. It crashes, it burns, and its _ridiculous_! And when it crashes – I can’t even care about it, because her damned smile takes up everything I see! It really _forces_ itself into my eyes. Its an invasion of my personal space! – And her eyes! Her eyes, good lord, they are _evil_ , absolutely _immoral_. It’s a straight-up _sin_ , I tell you, how they look at me and stop me from thinking… _SINFUL_.” She doesn’t seem to consider breathing important, “Its horrible, terrifying, and fucking annoying! Its everything!" She puffs and blows a curl away from her face with too much force. "I think I’m going nuts.”

Arizona hears the thunder rumble deep, somewhere faraway, “What IS this? What _IS_ this?”

April studies her in amazement, in disbelief, and a hundred other things. Not a name mentioned, but not much doubt about it, if it comes to Arizona talking about someone so...obscenely. 

“It’s you falling for Callie, that’s what it is.”

> _You still look like a movie,_
> 
> _You still sound like a song._


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the Erica parts, sorry, but she might still hang around for a couple more chapters. It hurts me to write Callie and Arizona with other people too, believe me. Good news is, Erica will probably disappear somewhere in the middle of the story when she's no longer relevant (sorry not sorry, Erica). I think Callie and Arizona wouldn't really get back together just in a flash, realistically, so you guys gotta prepare for a slow burn that will definitely drag out because they really had hurt each other so deeply and went through so much. Besides, my favourite part of fics are the pining parts (again, sorry not sorry) but it's Calzona endgame of course!

_**PART I - A Song About Me (And You)** _

_**\- stupid rich kid, Postcard Boy** _

> _And every time I think I’m better off instead,_
> 
> _Your brown eyes make me weak with the moonlight in your hair._

The suits did actually enjoy Callie’s speech very much.

She was incredibly nervous, incredibly jittery. Once she was on the stage, she was almost sure she would faint. Her feet went numb, her hands went cold, and the lights went dark, and then really bright. The spotlight was on her, although she felt like it shouldn’t have been.

Her eyes kept flitting between the wall in the back of the room and each individual expression looking up at her, judging, listening. She had started carefully; a dumb joke someone once told her in the middle of the night that made her laugh too hard. The suits laughed too.

She saw Erica on the sidelines, giving her a thumbs up. She saw Meredith hurrying back from the bathrooms, she saw Amelia glaring at Owen, she saw Richard reassuring Bailey, but she didn’t see Arizona turn beet red and shaking her head.

After the joke, she got the same flash of confident inspiration she got when Alex yelled at her from the seats about bow legs. She kept talking about cartilage, ten-blades, and the curious effect the shrimp has on your tongue.

When she walks off the stage, the suits are clapping hard, and the surgeons are cheering. Callie claps a hand on Erica’s back, “You know, I told you I hated thunderstorms, but this might the best thunderstorm I ever lived through.” They both grin, and Arizona keeps watching them.

“Do you want to get a drink to celebrate after this?”

“There’s plenty of drinks here. C’mon, I’ll pour you some champagne.”

“What? No. I meant…I mean, there’s so many rich, sophisticated people here. We can go somewhere with less…people?” Erica says.

“Oh! That’s an excellent idea!”

“Really?”

“Yeah! We can invite Meredith and Alex…They seemed to really like you too!”

“What? No, I meant-”

Bailey pushes through the crowd and practically jumps on Callie, “Torres! You did SO well!” She really does hug really hard for such a little person. “You saved my night! Seemed like only yesterday when you were doing that pee dance and stammering about that boy’s club feet!”

Somewhere in the vast sea of polished leather shoes, April studies Arizona.

“You know…”

“ _No_.”

April sighs, “Fine. Your choice.” She clears her throat, “But you’re still staring.”

“I'm not.”

“Oka – Hey! Arizona! Where are you going?”

//

Bailey remains by Callie’s side, going on and on about a patient she saved two weeks ago and how Tuck just joined the city’s junior soccer team. They seem to be having the time of their lives. Seeing the fullness of their happy conversation, Erica heads to the bottles of champagne alone.

She swallows the fizzing liquor, and sees a blonde woman walking somewhat forcefully towards her. Or rather, towards the champagne.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

Arizona pours what seems to have to be her twelfth glass of champagne tonight.

“Whoa. You okay?”

“Yup.”

Erica stops fluttering her eyes over Callie’s dress and turns to the woman that joins her at the bar.

“Hey. You’re a doctor at Grey-Sloan, aren’t you?”

“I am.”

Erica scoots over with her glass to a rather hesitant Arizona.

“You know Calliope Torres? She worked there for a long time.”

Erica sees a flash of something dim the glow the champagne had given the other woman.

“I did.”

“Oh.” Erica nods, “Did you guys know each well?”

Arizona cranes her head to look at Callie again. Erica thinks her eyes shimmer in tune with her sparkling drink.

“Somewhat, I’d say.” She doesn’t look at anything now, not Erica, not Callie, not her dear champagne.

“Did she become that way after her residency? Or did the attending job take its toll?”

“What? What do you mean?”

“I guess… she wore her heart out on her sleeve. Before, I mean. She felt everything so intensely. Now? She doesn’t even get the hint that I’m trying to ask her out.”

Arizona looked harder at _nothing_. Stopping momentarily, she says,

“She met someone.” And hoped to whatever god above that was true.

That sufficed as explanation for Erica. She nods her head knowingly.

“Is it Arizona Robbins? Callie talks about her sometimes.”

“Does she?”

“She does.”

“Does she say anything in peculiar?”

“Nostalgia, mostly. Reminiscence.”

“Oh.”

“She talks about her smile a lot, too.”

“Does she now?”

“Yeah. Says it was too beautiful be stuck.”

“Huh.”

“You know, in passing thought, I haven’t introduced myself! My apologies. Erica Hahn. Cardio surgeon at New York Presbyterian. I'm friends with Callie, I'm not some crazy stalker, in case you were wondering.”

Arizona smiles and gets up. They shake hands.

“Arizona Robbins. Peds and Neo. Pleasure to meet you.”

“Arizona!” April stumbles over before Erica can say something to help her bewildered expression.

“Erica!” Callie also finds her way to the group.

April, obviously a tad bit tipsy, whispers in Arizona’s ear, “Well. This is kind of awkward.”

Scampering off, Arizona and April somehow end up between the bathroom stalls at the end of the corridors.

“It’s like we’re strictly destined to never hold out properly at galas.” Arizona grumbles.

“Mhmm.” April rocks back and forth, sitting on the sink, “My heart’s singing again.”

“Great. Good for you.”

“Matthew is so great. He…washes the dishes after every meal so I don’t have to do it.” April giggles. “And he’s adorable with Harriet. When he holds her tiny little hands and play with them…frickin' heaven on earth, Arizona! Heaven on earth!”

“Great.”

April’s drunk voice is impossibly even higher than her normal voice, “I really rooted for Callie and you, you know? Back when everything was alright, I mean. You guys were the epitome of a perfect couple…I told you about the way you looked at her. You look good with that look, you know?” She almost falls head-first into the sink, and Arizona catches her just in time, unwillingly, “Everyone looks great when the person they love is reflected in their eyes. It’s been so long since I’ve seen you look at someone like that.”

“April, stop talking.” Arizona wipes the irritant of her face right away, though, “Come on, we can get away from here if you want.”

“Don’t pretend like you don’t keep that necklace in a little box at the bottom of your dresser, girl”

“ _April._ ”

“Matthew once told me something really nice, you know?” She giggles hysterically for a good two minutes before continuing, “He told me that even though I abandoned him at our own wedding, he couldn’t bring himself to fully hate me, or be friends with me. Because he really loved me once, you know? You can’t fully hate someone or be friends with someone you loved so much, plus, his hair is so soft…”

“ _April!_ ” Arizona gently slaps her on the arm, “I don’t think you’ll remember a thing tomorrow, you’re so drunk on champagne.”

“HEEEEEE I knowww.”

April’s alcohol tolerance is almost nonexistent, Arizona thinks to herself. She really won’t remember _a thing_. Not to mention a real nasty hangover.

“I don’t want to catch feelings for Calliope, you know.”

“I know. It’s obvious.”

“Is it really?”

“You can keep your mouth shut, Arizona, but your eyes don’t lie.”

“I would like to hate her, I really would.”

“I know. I wanted to hate Jackson too, when I got that restraining order.”

“Right? But every time she smiles, I remember so clearly why I don’t.”

“So you _are_ falling for her.”

“No! We’ve missed our chance already. Our _chances_ , really.”

April sighs over dramatically, “Yeah. Right.”

The storm outside rages, screams, and pounds. The wind howls and prances between a storm and a hurricane.

_**PART II - THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY** _

**_Cover by Boyce Avenue_ **

> _Never plan that one day, I’d be losing you._
> 
> _In another life, you would be my girl,_
> 
> _We’d keep all our promises,_
> 
> _Be us against the world._

The storm hasn’t quieted down since yesterday. It still rages outside, furious, for some reason. The morning after the gala, Bailey gathers the surgeons for a quick congratulatory board meeting, paying special thanks to a nervous Callie for her speech.

“Oh, and before you all get on with your day, there are a few tweaks and…stuff for the next week. The storm outside has been announced as an upcoming super storm. Dr. Torres and Dr. Hahn won’t be able to return to New York for the next week or so.”

“What?” Callie pales, “But it hasn’t reached full…stormy powers or whatever yet! The airports don’t close until tomorrow!”

“No, Torres. No ones going up in a plane without me being _absolutely certain_ that the weather isn’t going to knock you out of the sky.”

Meredith puts a hand on Callie's shoulder. “You guys can stay at the frat house, you know. Everyone basically lives there anyways.”

“True.” Alex says.

“But-”

“Nuh-uh. Torres and Hahn will be joining us during the next week or two to help with the aftermaths of the storm.”

Callie slumps into her chair, “You alright with this?”

Erica turns to her and shrugs, “I’m cool.”

“Urgh.”

The surgeons disperse after the meeting. Meredith catches up to Callie once Erica saunters off to visit the cardiac wing.

“Hey! Callie!”

“Hm?”

“Look, I know you hate storms.”

“Yeah. I shouldn’t be though, after all these years.” Her eyes fly across the back of Arizona’s head as she looks around.

“We can stay up and stuff ourselves sick with cheeseburgers if you want. I’m not on-call tonight. The superstorm is not coming until tomorrow.”

“You’re really okay with Erica Hahn sleeping at your house?”

“Yeah. I guess. I mean, letting you guys book a room together at a hotel wouldn’t be so bad, but-”

She scowls at Meredith, “Yeah no, we’re staying at your house.”

Just a bit more down the hall, April is glowering at Arizona.

“I told you! My alcohol tolerance has really improved after becoming friends with you. And after divorcing Jackson.”

“But that doesn’t mean everything you remember from our conversation is true!”

“Oh but I do remember you saying you would _like_ to hate her! And her smile still has some sort of effect on you!”

“And you said the same about Jackson! You guys are divorced too!”

April jumps, “So you admit it!”

“NO!”

April is already humming and bouncing down the stairs.

“I see how you look at her. It’s literally _pouring_ out of your eyes.” She pauses her bouncing for a second, “Never stopped pouring, really.”

Arizona sighs, “We couldn’t make it work, it probably won’t ever. I’m not falling again.”

When noon comes, the world outside seems to be fading. The rain blurs the edges of timelines and the hospital is like a little world of its own.

Meredith slides her tray beside Arizona.

“I crossed out the possibility for Erica to bang Callie in a hotel, you know.”

“ _What?_ ” Arizona almost spits out her mouthful of chips.

Meredith shrugs, “I like Erica. I just liked Callie better with you.”

“There isn’t a ‘ _Callie and me_ ’.”

“I know.” She says, then adds hopefully, “Not yet?”

“Maybe,” Arizona sighs, “In another life, we wouldn’t have messed up so much. Maybe, in another life, we would keep our promises and she would still be mine. Just not this one.” She smiles.

Meredith chews on a carrot and watches Callie laugh at something Erica said, across the cafeteria.

“Why would leave it to another life?” Meredith returns Arizona’s smile, “Why leave it be when the love of your life is right here? Right in front of you? She’s about fifteen feet away.”

“I lost her so many times already.”

“She’s worth running the risk to lose again. Really, you know that better than I do.”

Meredith ponders something within the crease between her eyebrows.

“You know, Callie has two different smiles now.”

“I noticed.”

“One at work, and the other, when she’s _really_ smiling.”

Meredith continues, after a short pause, “She was so different before. When she was a resident, she wore her heart out on her sleeve.”

Arizona frowns, “Erica said the same thing. She said ‘Callie doesn’t wear her heart out on her sleeve anymore.’”

“That’s because she really doesn’t, not anymore. When I first met her, she was a bundle of fire. We didn’t really like her back then, when she was with George. She knew what she wanted, and she wasn’t afraid to have it or fight for it. She wasn’t scared of loving and hating.”

Meredith takes a sip of her coffee, “And then George cheated on her with Izzie. Erica left her in the middle of a parking lot, then George died…she didn’t burn as bright. But then _you guys_ found each other.”

She shakes her head, “I had never seen her so freakin’ happy. Not when she was with George, not when she was with Erica. You should’ve heard her talk about you. She talked about you like you put the stars in the sky and made the sun shine. She talked about you like you were the reason to be alive.”

Callie finishes her apple and tosses it in the trash can, with Erica following her to the exit of the cafeteria. Arizona and Meredith both trail their leave with their eyes.

“Then the plane crash happened. And the line of things that followed it…that really took its toll. Did you know Callie still wouldn’t sleep in on-call rooms even after you guys were divorced? She’d crash on those rock-hard gurneys in the halls or in the bunk in the lounge no one uses. Sometimes, when there’s a big storm in New York, she’d call and stay on the other end, just kind of breathing in my ear.”

The two were both somewhere faraway now, lost in their own history. Arizona’s eyes prickle, and Meredith’s eyes are darker.

“No one blames anyone, of course. I know how it gets messy. I’ve seen it. Hell, I _was_ the mess in a marriage. It’s just…after that, Callie changed. She didn’t laugh the same, she didn’t love the same…she made decisions I didn’t even recognise.”

“Yeah.” Arizona only manages to reply in a very, very small voice.

“She’s so good, you know? And she’s found her fire again. She’s Callie again, only with two smiles. I’ll have her back. I’ll have her back, because her and Alex are the only left that were here since my intern year. They’re the only ones left here since the beginning, along with Richard and Bailey.”

Meredith shuffles the things in her tray, before adding, “But having her back, I gotta tell you. You made her _so_ happy. You made her the happiest she ever was.”

Arizona and Meredith just sit there for the while that follow.

Finally, Arizona says, “We’ve hurt each other so much. I hurt her and she hurt me. The way we ended…it wasn’t nice. It ended after the plane crash, when I lost my leg. It ended during the storm, in an on-call room. It ended again when I started my fellowship with Herman. It ended again when she walked out therapy. It ended again when we fought teeth and bones over custody. Then, it ended for the last time in an airport where we didn’t say anything.”

She closes her eyes, as if concentrating very hard on something she can’t quite remember.

“This isn’t the romantic stuff. All the rest of it was brutal. Raw. Hurt like hell.”

“Brutal. Raw. That’s really accurate.”

“It is, isn’t it.” Arizona laughs, but the vibration in her throat feels sad. “It was always that way, I suppose, even when we were good. The way we love… _loved_ , I guess, wasn’t gentle. It comes crashing over everything, over everyone, it consumes us.”

“Damn.” Meredith finishes her coffee, “Poetic.”

“What can I say? I’m a poetic person.”

The storm softens outside, for a second, then a howling wind rams into the walls of the hospital, whistling feverishly. The rain continues just as furiously.

“What happened to your ‘I love you and you love me and nothing else matters’ mentality, Robbins?”

“Wha- How do you know that?” Meredith sees a pink flair unfurling along Arizona’s ears just as she says the words, stuttering, “D-did you put cameras all over our apartment o-or something?”

Meredith grins, “Of course not! Callie and I get drunk together. We get drunk together a lot, actually. Mostly over cheeseburgers or pickles, or at the frat house after you guys didn’t live together anymore…Anyways, when we get drunk, she talks about you. I mean, she cries over Mark, or brags incoherently about a rainbow mermaid Sofia drew…actually I have no idea why she always brings that drawing up, I’ll have to ask her sometime.”

Arizona’s heart stops beating and starts skipping and dancing in her chest. As much as she wants to strangle her heart for being so weirdly lively, she also thinks it feels kind of nice.

“Well, whatever. What I mean is, apart from the occasional Mark and Sofia, when she’s drunk, she talks about the hostility of surprise parties, about silver heart necklaces, about some extra-special vagina vote that I always found, frankly, pretty damn smart. She never tires talking about you, even after everything, Jesus. After crying over Mark, she would start crying about butterfly scrub caps and wheelies.”

Arizona thinks about the necklace in her dresser.

“Honestly, I never would’ve pinned Callie Torres for the type to cry over butterflies and wheelies,” Meredith nudges Arizona, “but I guess she did anyway. I never thought I would fall for creepily perfect hair either, but then I met Derek.”

Arizona thinks about how she learnt how to skate again.

“Sorry, I really derailed my speech. And I sound really pushy. So what happened to your ‘I love you and you love me, and nothing else matters’ mentality?”

Arizona shrugs off the weight on her shoulders, and says, “I don’t know. I guess…the whole thing took its toll on me too. Um, I think a lot of things matter now. Like Sofia. Or donuts. I guess…I’m keeping my grip on reality.”

“Hm. Mature. But also, sad. Like my mother said, it’s terrible being a grown up.”

“Your mother was right. She was right about a whole lot of things, really.”

“Yes, but I’d hate to admit it.” Meredith says, “Lot of things nowadays we don’t want to admit. But would Callie still be the person you want to tell a really good surgery to? The person you want to call in the middle of the night when you can’t sleep? The person you felt _honoured_ to see the first thing in the morning?”

Feelings she didn’t want to admit to.

The words taste bittersweet on her tongue. Sweet, an old story from her childhood, turned bitter, when she forgotten about it over the years of growing. Or was it bitter turned sweet? A most peculiar taste. Something out of this world, greater than what she can make sense to in her mind. Not something to be thought out, not something to be told, but something to be cherished, or hidden infinitely.

Feelings she didn’t want to admit to.

She thinks about Callie swaying happily in Joe’s bar weeks ago, she thinks about Callie wishing her the best with Carina, she thinks about Callie saying yes to her proposal, she thinks about Callie, and everything they were, and everything they weren’t.

“I know _I_ still think of Derek when Zola’s crying about a tea party. I know _I_ still miss Derek when I see people holding hands on the street.” Meredith says.

Arizona thinks of Eliza, she thinks of Carina, she thinks of the girls on trivia nights. She thinks of the hurt, the custody, the divorce, the storm. Why did they do the things they did? Why?

_I thought… I though we were past the hard stuff. I thought we were finally good. How could you do this? After all that’s happened?_

Arizona thinks of Callie, she thinks of Mark. She thinks of the happy, the dancing, the pregnancy, the bathroom kiss. That’s why. That’s why everything happened.

_I don’t want to have kids if it means I can’t be with you._

_No. No, we’ll have kids. We’ll have all kinds of kids._

This fizz, this consistent buzz. Does she have a name for it? She does, doesn’t she? A word buried so deep into the mountains of medical terms and official statements that she almost forgot it existed.

“Well, _crap_.” Arizona chucks her apple, hard, against the wall. “I think I _am_ falling for Calliope Torres.”

> _In another life, I would make you stay._

**_PART III - I DON'T MISS YOU AT ALL_ **

**_\- FINNEAS_ **

> _I swear I don’t miss you at all,_
> 
> _And I barely still remember who’s in the pictures on my wall._

“If you tell anyone – _CALLIE, especially_ – I _will_ find you and punch you. Hard.” Arizona finally returns to Earth after her epiphany, “And Grey, I am the daughter of a marine. I know how to punch and I’ve done it. Multiple times.”

After considering it for another moment, Arizona adds, “And falling for her doesn’t mean I have to, you know, actually _fall_.”

Meredith frowns, “What?”

“Well, daughter of a marine and everything.” She says, somewhat proudly, “I’m great at suppressing feelings!”

“Wha-”

“Yup! I can already feel myself un-falling!” Arizona arranges the contents of her tray and skitters off to the trash can, a passive aggressive expression plastered on her face, leaving Meredith to grimace in disbelief.

////

On Tuesday, April found Arizona smoking on the roof again, and asked her what was stressing her. Arizona said, “Feelings I will not admit nor face. So… I’m suppressing them with nicotine.”

To which, April gaped at her, and asked, “Is it Callie?”

“Oh my god how do you know? Did Meredith tell you? God, I’m going to knock her out-”

April rolled her eyes and said, “Arizona. _You absolute idiot_. I’ve been telling you that for the past two weeks and only now you admit to not admitting them? _And Meredith somehow knew before me???”_

“Well. We hurt each other so badly that I don’t even think we can be more than acquaintances or co-parents,” Arizona had replied.

On Wednesday, Callie paged peds for a little girl who fell from the balcony in the wind, and Arizona sent Alex to the E.R. saying that she had ‘personal issues to attend to’. (The “issues” consisted of sitting in her office and eating stress donuts.)

On Thursday, Arizona had slammed into a wall while walking. She was glaring at Erica throwing her arms around Callie’s shoulders, but she later argued that she was checking the time on the clock on the wall. Meredith wiggled her eyebrows and earned her first punch.

On Friday, Sofia flew into Arizona’s arms and told her all about the week she spent with her grandparents. Her huge smile felt so familiar and tugged up the corners of Arizona’s mouth too.

On Saturday, she spent nine hours debriding and casting a boy’s arm with an incompetent ortho fellow she paged. Exhausted, she crashed on a gurney in the hall because she couldn’t fall asleep in on-call rooms anymore.

Today, this Sunday, the storm rages harder than ever outside, refusing to subside even the least bit for the past week, although as frustrated as everyone else seeing Arizona kicking her own feelings and avoiding both Callie and Erica.

Humming a tune under her breath, Meredith finds Callie looking sick outside the conference room.

“Hey, Callie.”

“Hey.”

“You good?”

Callie stuff her hands into the pockets of her lab coat, “No. I think I might tear the wall down.”

“Whoa.”

“Yeah, sorry. I just hate storms. But this one really sucks for some reason.”

Meredith digs around in her own pockets and pulls out a lollipop, “Here. That’ll make you feel better.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s for Zola, but I’m going to take it. Sorry in advance to you when you have nothing to bribe Zola with.” She tugs the wrapper off and pops it into her mouth. “That does make me feel better.”

“Told ya.”

“Hm. I should start keeping lollipops in my pockets.”

Meredith leans on the door across from Callie, “You should. The day gets bitter often, it’s good to have something sweet in arms’ reach. Whether for you or for Sofia.”

Their pagers vibrate from an incoming trauma.

“God.” Callie groans, “This damn storm.”

The two rush to the elevator, “Oh! You didn’t forget about the party tonight, right?”

“Party?”

“Yeah,” Meredith says, “It’s been so long since everyone has a night off _and_ you’re in Seattle. The attendings are going to drink beer and whine about our lives under the excuse of surviving the couple days of trauma overload from the rain.”

“Damn.”

“Yup. The house is probably going to be a mess, but then again, it’s what my house was always for, so why not. Plus, the children are having a sleepover with Richard babysitting.”

Callie snorts as the doors slide open, “Oh yeah. Sofia mentioned it when she got back from her grandparents’ and I was questioning my abilities to parent a child when all I do is let her pass the night elsewhere.”

“Oh don’t you worry. The night’s going to be fun and you can give Sofia a lollipop tomorrow.”

“Who’s going to be there?”

Meredith stops and nervously studies Callie.

“Well, um…me, Alex, Amelia, April, Bailey, Owen, and…well, I invited Arizona too. And I guess Erica, since she kind of just sticks to you. But we all like her just fine.”

“Alright. I’ll be there.” Callie says, oblivious to the nervous looks Meredith throws her way, too busy observing a man coming through with a tree branch sticking out of his shin, “Well, I’ll be there whether or not I want to since I kind of live there. Besides, it’ll keep me from feeling sorry for myself while watching the rain pour.”

“Um…you’re alright with Arizona being there?”

Callie turns to her, “Y-yeah. Of course. Why wouldn’t I be? We’ve been cool for a long time now. A longgg time. Two years is long.”

Meredith gives her a tense thumbs-up, “Yup. Yup. Yup. Cool.”

In the east wing of the hospital, Amelia is lurking around the offices, waiting for Arizona to make an appearance. Catching a glimpse of the blonde hair disappearing around a corner, she brightens up and speeds up, falling behind her.

“Arizona!”

“OH- _OW_.” Arizona jumps and slams her elbow into a doorknob, “Son of a biscuit Amelia. I’ve already lost a leg, and now a heart attack?”

Amelia grins sheepishly, and says, “So…um, Mer’s having a frat-party-game-night sorta thing at the house tonight. I mean, you obviously know that, ‘cause well, she already invited you,” she gulps.

“Yes…she did.”

“Yeah. So. Owen’s going to be there. Owen Hunt. The Owen Hunt that was making out with your girlfriend in a closet.”

“Oh…” Arizona blinks uneasily, “But, um, not my girlfriend. We broke up.”

“Yes. Right.”

“Where are you going with this?”

“Uh, I just wanted to know if you were bringing Carina. But, I mean, since you guys broke up and everything, I suppose you aren’t.” Amelia’s eyes widen, “Not that I had a problem with you guys, of course. I just didn’t want stuff to be too awkward tonight. With me and Owen, and if you bring Carina…” Amelia gulps again.

“You’re still falling for Hunt, aren’t you?”

Amelia shuffles her feet, picks at her cuticles, and squeaks, “Yes.”

Arizona smiles, “It’s alright, Amelia. I’m not bringing Carina. It’ll be fine.”

“I know you’re judging. I mean, you broke up with Carina. And Owen and I, we’re not really even a thing, but I mean, he knew I still had feelings, and I knew he still did. So…” she clears her throat, “Whatever. I sound like a middle school girl.”

“No you don’t!” Arizona says, “Feelings are stupid. They’re never where they’re supposed to be! I get that!”

“Right. I don’t know. We did some bad things, or wrong things, but I mean, I really, _really_ like him. But we already tried once, and we didn’t work out. I’m not an idiot for still wanting to try again, only because I’m falling, right?”

Arizona makes a face, and chews the inside of her mouth.

After her sullen look passes, she says softly, “No. No, of course you’re not.”

> _And it feels so good, eating alone,_
> 
> _I don’t get distracted by your smile,_
> 
> _and miss the green lights driving home._


	7. Chapter 7

**_WHY EVEN TRY_ **

**_\- Colony House_ **

> _The damage is done,_
> 
> _So why even try?_

As Arizona was so busied by Amelia’s jump scare and worries of Owen and Carina, she had barely had time to pull on a pair of dark jeans and throw on a half-decent, half-crumpled polo after her long surgery.

Cursing her misfortune, she stuffs a cigarette into her mouth and hurries to the front doors where April and Bailey were glaring at their watches.

“Sorry, sorry, I got caught up with a mother whose baby had a tumour growing on his arm.”

Bailey removes her glare from her watch and glares at Arizona, “It’s _fine._ You just better hope there’s a sufficient amount of beer once we arrive to calm me.”

As if Bailey’s will is strong enough to push the universe into action, a cab screeches to a halt in front them. April practically flies into the front seat, “Shotgun!”

“But, April-”

“NO I called it first!”

And she left Arizona to sit beside a very annoyed Bailey in the backseat.

“Ahem, so.” Arizona squirms in her seat, “Bailey! How was your day?”

In the dim light of the cab, everyone’s faces are smothered with flashes of streetlamps and small gleams from the radio, but it’s clear Bailey is relaxed enough to answer (at least so she hoped) with out ripping anyone’s head off.

“Fine,” she says, “A lot of colon resections, for some reason.”

“Great!” April peeps, then sees the look on Bailey’s face, “I mean, _nooo how terrible_! _Bowels are the worst!_ ”

“And you two? What’s new?”

“Oh, uh, well…I started seeing someone new. Or not so new. I mean, we knew each other before, but like, not _exactly_ in the romantic way.”

Arizona snorts at April’s babbling. It’s nice to see someone becoming nervous just talking about someone they love.

Bailey, too, snorts, for some reason, “It’s Matthew Taylor again, isn’t it? It’s cute. I support it.”

“Wha- How do you- _ARIZONA_.”

“What? I didn’t say anything to anyone!”

“She didn’t need to. I’m Bailey. I know everything.”

She glances at Arizona’s smug expression and says, “And Callie is coming tonight too, Robbins. Grey actually decided to have this a big part because Torres is in town.”

Arizona thinks her hair might’ve begun to stand on their ends like in cartoons. Of course, Callie’s coming, it’s _Mer’s_ house. How did she not think of it?

“Well, um, I don’t see how that should…should bother me.”

It was April’s turn to snort, “She’s Bailey. She knows everything.”

Arizona winces.

Under the quick glances of clarity from the light on the streets in the cab, Bailey sees Arizona fumbling with her crumpled polo, trying desperately to flatten the folds, and tucking some of it into her jeans. She tugs the cuffs and rubs her left knee hard, where there was a scratch of white. Digging in her pockets and propelling her lighter and cigarettes into Bailey’s hands, she finally finds a hair tie and gathers her hair into a decent enough bun. She picks on the corners of a cigarette until they arrive at Meredith’s.

Getting out of the cab, Bailey sighs. The fool’s obviously fallen head over heels, whether she acknowledges it or not.

////

Meanwhile, Meredith, Callie, Amelia and Erica are gathered around the kitchen counter, liquor bottles in hand, pouring over a small glass of blue liquid.

“I still can’t get over the fact that _Cristina Yang_ quit her job at one point and became a freakin bartender.”

“Oh chill out, Erica,” Amelia puts a couple more drops of vodka into the mixture, “Hell erupts at Seattle Grace Mercy Death. I mean, I guess it’s Grey-Sloan Death, now. Nothing much around this hospital surprises me anymore.”

Callie takes the tiniest sip of the glass, “Nope. Not strong enough.”

“Still??” Meredith dumps an empty bottle of tequila in the sink, “What did she make it with? Cleaning alcohol?”

“I don’t know, but I know that it was strong enough to make me want to shoot flames with the first mouthful.” Callie says, “Cristina Yang knew how to make a goddamn good early onset Alzheimer’s.”

Meredith grins proudly, “I’m sure she did.”

“Can we actually add a few drops of rubbing alcohol?”

“We’re doctors, Amelia!”

“Alright, alright. Try more whiskey.”

“Or maybe brandy. It gives off brandy vibes.”

“Okay, okay, I’ll add both.”

“Why can’t we just call Cristina and ask her?”

Meredith and Callie turn around in unison, “ _We are able to do something Cristina can do_!”

“Well, she has a Harper Avery,” Amelia mumbles.

“And I do too! I’m a surgeon with a Harper Avery! I _will_ be able to mix a drink!” Meredith empties the bottle of whiskey, “Okay, Callie, try again.”

Callie raises the glass and sips again, “YES! THAT’S IT!”

“YESSS!”

Meredith pumps her fists, “Take that you Harper Avery! I know early onset Alzheimer’s better than anyone!” When she sees the looks thrown her way, she shrugs, “I’ll probably get it. I’m allowed to joke about it.”

Erica checks the cupboards, “Uh, guys, bad news.”

“Oh no.”

“We’ve emptied the few bottles left so now all we have is, like, twenty-five bottles of beer and a jug of early onset Alzheimer’s.”

Meredith groans, “That’s barely enough to give everyone one shot of my illness!”

“Well, I’ll do fine with beer. Last time I had that drink, Sofia happened.”

The doorbell jingle and the three girls from the cab burst into the kitchen.

“Bailey! Guess what we made!” Callie rushes a glass of the sick, _sick_ drink under Bailey’s nose,” Early onset Alzheimer’s!!!”

April’s face is a perfect mixture of appalled and intrigued, “You made _what_?”

In the meantime, Bailey lets out an audible gasp and downs the glass in one go. “Ohhh. It’s still _so_ great,”

Before even giving Arizona a chance to be nervous or awkward, Owen and Alex come skipping down the stairs asking for beer.

In a jiffy, they were all lounging in the living room. April’s somehow jammed stiffly between Owen and Amelia on the sofa, Meredith is sprawled over a rocking chair with Bailey right beside her. Alex leans against Owen’s legs, pinching him whenever he stares too long at Amelia, and Arizona found a cozy nook on the carpet, against the coffee table. Erica pays no attention to the beer-grabbing. She localises Callie in the crowd of heads and arms, and scoots close to her at the foot of the wall.

Arizona narrows her eyes at the blonde who is gazing at Callie almost dreamily. April and Meredith catch her doing so, and exchanges a look.

“Ahem.” Meredith clears her throat, “Anyone seen Deluca lately?”

“Which one?”

Arizona scowls, “She’s talking about the dude. I think Carina might’ve learned how to be invisible or something.”

“What? What happened?” Callie’s eyebrows scrunch up in worry.

April tenses and opens her mouth, when a pager goes off.

“Crap. It’s mine. My transplant patient from this afternoon is rejecting his heart.” Erica sighs, “I gotta go. Thank god I didn’t drink.”

She hesitates before standing up, her gaze quivering between Callie’s cheekbones and lips. Seeing Erica uneasy, Callie pulls her into a hug, and pats her on the back, “Go on, Erica, I’ll save some beer for you if you want.”

The girl’s cheeks flush with color, and skitters out the door, her shoes barely clinging to her feet.

“Jeez. She sure was in a hurry to get back to the hospital.” Callie frowns, “You think she doesn’t like you guys?”

Alex laughs, “Seriously, Callie, when did you become so damn clueless? She was looking at you the whole time like you were some fancy French dessert. Hungry for, but too pretty and precious to touch without considering carefully.”

“Agreed.” Amelia reaches for more orange juice, “The girl looks at you like you made the sun with your bare hands.” She points at Callie, “You, ma’am, are officially ignorant as hell.”

Arizona shifts on the carpet, glaring intently at the foot of the couch, but everyone is too busy giggling at Callie’s red-hot face to notice.

“I don’t think so. She’s smart, she’s pretty…and we already didn’t work out. I really don’t think she’d wanna go for me again.”

“Tell her that when she was busy banging you in my ear in New York.” Meredith high fives Alex.

“MEREDITH!”

“Sorry, sorry, but it really won’t take much time for everyone to figure out anyway.”

That was enough to pull Arizona out of her bubble, “YOU GUYS SLEPT TOGETHER ALREADY?” She clears her throat and flushes a deep scarlet, “I mean, you guys did _what_?”

Owen snickers and turns his gaze away from Amelia for the first time of the night, “Yeah. I remember you going on and on and on about how great she smelled.”

“ _I was drunk, Owen_!” Callie throws a pillow in his face, “We haven't done the do, and it's only Alex and Mer who keeps thinking we did!”

The laughter dies down a bit only after Callie threatens to hit everyone with a pillow. Only Arizona leans glumly against the table, finishing two bottles of beer whilst everyone hollers. Carefully, she raises her head again to catch a glimpse of Callie’s embarrassed expression. A gentle red tinge rests on her cheeks, her bottom lip sticks out just a little bit, and the left corner of her mouth is upturned ever so slightly to be in a tiny crooked pouty smile. She looks like one of those movies that you dream about years later having watched it, and only then realising the beauty of it. Really, just to be breathing in the same room; to be _looking_ at Callie feels too good to be true.

And out of nowhere, her gaze suddenly finds Arizona’s. Somewhere in space, something stops functioning, because Arizona swears the world just stopped turning. Or started spinning really fast. Really, _really_ fast, because the dizziness has to be coming from somewhere, and not just those black holes for eyes that are sucking her into oblivion.

“Hey, don’t be ashamed, Torres,” the early onset Alzheimer’s really kicked into Bailey’s system, “We all had questionable crushes before. I, for one, tutored a guy all through high school and basically did all his homework while following him around like a puppy before he asked another girl to the senior dance.” Bailey grimaces, “That is, before he turned out to be school bus driver and turned up in our E.R. one day.”

“Hey! I remember that guy!” Meredith says, “And speaking of weird crushes, George had a crush on me. Before he married you in Vegas, Callie. We slept together, and it might just have been the most awkward sex of all time.”

Callie’s cheeks fading color pops right back up. She snaps her head back down and breaks the unruly spinning of the earth for Arizona. The carpet shouldn’t be _that_ interesting, should it?

“And that’s before he cheated on Callie with Izzie, and when Izzie left him for me, he went ahead and made little Grey fall in love. Then managed to throw himself under a bus and make a stranger sit and cry and believe he was her knight in shining freakin’ armor,” Alex adds.

“Damn.”

“Damn indeed.”

Owen glances at Amelia, and says, “When I was in fifth grade, I had a crush on this girl who was in the class next to mine. Our school had these ski trips-”

“– rich boy –”

“– Hey! Look who’s talking, miss billionaire-father, Torres!”

“That was before they practically disowned me.”

“Ok. Fair enough. Anyways, I liked her for the whole year in fifth, and in sixth, I was already slobbering all over another girl. We were on one of those ski trips in sixth, and god forbid, we ended up on the same chair going uphill. Then, she just came out of nowhere and told me, “Hey, Owen, just so you know, I had a huge crush on you last year, but I don’t anymore.”

“Wow. Great timing.”

“Yeah, I know right?. And we just sat in silence for the rest of the time uphill. It was _really_ dumb.”

“I got a dumber one.” Amelia pipes up, “I liked a guy for three years, and never had the guts to tell him. The week before graduation, I purposely sat next to him everywhere. Like, really, _everywhere_. On the bus, during speeches, in the cafeteria…God, I was creepy back then.”

“Weren’t we all.”

“Yup. I was just hoping he would say something first. Finally, on the last day, I couldn’t take it, and just before leaving, I took his hand. Just, took his hand. I didn’t even hold it like normal people would! Like, you know, between them, fingers enlaced. No, I had to take his hand, _sandwiched between mine_ , and hold it out in front of me for like, ten seconds, and I just left. I’m pretty sure he’s still freaked out to this day.”

“Whoa.” April raises her eyebrows.

“Yeah. I was young, I was stupid.”

Meredith shoots up, “I had two guys literally corner me and ask me to choose between them. They were best friends, and they both got flowers, and they just backed me into a wall in the hallway, with the teachers, the students – _everyone_ – and asked me, “ _Who do you choose_?” And I swear on my scalpel I was trembling so much I couldn’t remember how to walk.”

“And who did you choose?” Bailey asks.

“No one! I ran away with my friends body blocking them to keep them from chasing after me! Completely ruined their friendship, though, they hated each other after that. Even got into a couple of fist fights.”

“Getting yourself into love-triangles at such a young age already,” Alex sighs dramatically, “Drama revolves around you.”

“Shut up.” She steals his bottle and takes a swig.

Callie reaches for her third bottle, and giggles, “I got a comparatively pathetic one. It was in seventh, maybe eight grade? We were in P.E. and the teacher had us all sitting in front of her in the gym, and she was talking about football tactics or something. No one was really listening. I was in the back, not paying attention, and a girl scooted over real close, and whispered in my ear “I think you’re really pretty.””

“ _Woo!_ Girl had game!” Alex and Owen whistle.

Callie snorts, and continues, “And then she leaned over and kissed me. Like, in the middle of class, and I’m pretty sure the teacher was homophobic or something. I should’ve figured out right then I liked girls, you know, by the way I had no idea what was happening for the rest of the class and was just sitting there burning red. But no. I spent the next three weeks hiding from her. Really pathetic, and not at all a good story.”

“Pathetic but sweet.” Amelia raises her glass from across the room, “Cheers.”

Arizona grunts and heads to the kitchen, mumbling something about getting more beers. April raises an eyebrow and follows her.

“Arizona! Are you alright?”

Arizona turns around and makes a face. “No.” She fumbles around the cupboards for liquor to no avail, “Did they use all the goddamn alcohol to make those early onset Alzheimer’s?”

“Well, those drinks do hold a special memory to them, I guess. I remember being a resident and nursing Bailey in a supply closet after she had one too many of those.”

“Bailey? In a supply closet??”

“Yeah. It was really silly. It was after the shooting, and Cristina had given up on being a surgeon, and was a bartender for a night at Joe’s.”

“Cristina YANG?”

April opens a bottle of beer and hands one to Arizona, “Yup. We were in charge of the night shift and the attendings went to Joe’s. Owen told me about it afterwards.”

“How did-”

“You were in Africa. Owen said Callie was half-crying, half-laughing the whole time they were there.”

Arizona groans again, “Great. Another reminder of why we didn’t work out.”

“Well, if it helps, Owen said she wouldn’t shut up to Teddy, asking about you.” April gives her a tentative smile.

“You know why I came into the kitchen?”

“Why?”

“Because Callie was hugging Erica and she was talking about another girl kissing her and all I could tell myself was ‘She’s not yours to be jealous of anymore, you gave that place up long ago’. And _still_ , all I could feel was the urge to throw a brick at Erica’s head.” Arizona sucks in a breath, “Seeing her in front of me makes _not_ liking her at all kind of hard.”

Before April could answer, Callie’s head pops into the doorframe, “Hey guys. Are you good? We’re about to start a game of UNO.”

Arizona stares at her for a moment before saying, “Yeah we’re coming.” She could swear that at this point, the universe is just screwing with her fun.

Arizona, usually insanely competitive, was sneaking glances to Callie’s concentrated expression for the whole game, and kept noticing how her hair curls around a earlobe is _not_ gorgeous, how her eyebrows quirks when she pulls a good card out of the pile is _not_ adorable, and how she nibbles on her bottom lip when she’s thinking is totally _not_ making her heart tremble.

The game finishes with Arizona losing miserably with seventeen cards in her hands, and not even caring. The storm rumbles outside, and she sees Callie pull a lollipop out of her pockets and looking nervously at the window, where the normal storm had obviously turned into a superstorm.

She did that. She made Callie nervous during big storms.

Arizona sees Meredith pulling Callie to the window, and overhears her saying, “Come on, Callie. We’ll try to get over this fear.”

The two perch on the couch, staring at the rain shattering the ground beneath.

“Hey. Concentrate on how the water explodes when it hits the pavement. Look at the clusters of clouds hovering overhead. Listen to the incessant low buzz of thunder.” She hears Meredith say again, “It’s strangely beautiful. You just need to take the time to see the beauty in it. You’re okay now. I’ll always have your back, okay?”

Arizona’s throat is dry, and her hands are clammy.

Soon, the others join them on the couch, piled on top on another, teasing, poking, and watching the rain fall and listening to the wind howl. Arizona smiles to herself when she finally sees Callie giving Meredith a small thumbs up.

All the while, Callie didn’t look at Arizona, and Arizona didn’t look at the rain.

April leans in and whispers, “So this is you definitely succeeding in suppressing anything that you might be feeling, huh?”

Arizona smacks her head against wall next to her and mutters with her eyes closed, “No. This is the feelings devouring me alive.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to say the lollipop thing (yk keeping them in your pockets) is very cool to do irl cause when someone has a bad day you can just pop a candy out of nowhere and cheer them up :)  
> I thought it would be fun just to show a lil chapter of them all together, 'cause i really loved those moments on the show.  
> Also, the next chapter is written and ready to go, so it's coming very soon after.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please enjoy drunk Callie once again.  
> be patient and stay safe, everyone!

**_YOUNGBLOOD_ **

_\- 5 Seconds of Summer_

On Monday morning, the superstorm lightened to a light drizzle, the sky ceased its gray demeanor and took up a light blue with a couple large clouds drifting here and there. By the time of the afternoon board meeting, the rain had completely stopped, and the surgeons were rushing to the big window to see the rainbow that stretched over Seattle.

Bailey happily gives a speech on the success of this superstorm, and congratulates everyone on their help while the members barely pay attention, goggling instead at the rainbow in the sky.

“…And, Dr. Torres, you and Dr. Hahn are free to go tonight. Unless you would want to stay. That would not be a problem at all.”

Callie smiles, “Thank you, Bailey. Erica already booked a plane at nine this evening.”

Arizona laid awake for hours last night, after her small confession to April. Once the dam that so stubbornly blocked out her feelings broke, there were no life vest for her to hold onto when she was drowning in them. When the dam was up, she could grudgingly admit to herself, at night, when the world is too dark to see her red cheeks, that she _might’ve_ had feelings. When the dam broke down, she started _feeling_ those feelings.

The hours staring at her ceiling yesterday were overflowing with feelings that were not a bit strange, still burning fresh, gnawing into her skin, begging for her to do something about them.

Picking off a scab sometimes hurts more then when the wound was first inflicted, everyone knows that. This scab (although their history was nothing short of magnificently tragic, and nothing close to an old scab) reached out to all of her nerve endings and screamed Callie’s name until Arizona stopped fighting and let herself drown in the thoughts.

The bubbles inside her stomach force her eyes to linger on Callie’s lips before turning away. The annoying emotions somehow grant her permission to admire her once again, as if she’s allowed to study Callie longingly only once the feelings escaped the box they were in.

She rushes out of the room right away, before everyone even dispersed.

Callie’s suitcase, packed quite rapidly during her lunch break, lies in the attendings’ lounge, waiting to be flown across the country once her shift is over in a couple minutes.

Arizona lies in the bunk where Callie had fallen asleep in the beginning of the week, glaring at the suitcase.

“Arizona?”

Meredith and April examine her uncertainly.

“You’ve been glaring at her suitcase for twenty minutes now.”

“I know. It makes slamming my head into a wall feel a bit less enticing.”

Meredith plops onto the couch across from her, “I’m guessing suppressing those feelings didn’t work?”

“Nope.” Arizona swallows, her throat dry from dread, “I can’t believe I’m letting her go again. _A-freakin-gain_.”

“Wha- Why don’t you go talk to her instead of assaulting her suitcase?”

“Have you seen her?” Arizona scowls, “She’s completely content with New York and Erica-the-perfect-blonde-cardio-surgeon. Besides, we already messed each other up enough to know it wasn’t and probably isn’t a good idea.”

“Um, Callie and I have bonded over tequila and cheeseburgers more than enough times for me to know things you don’t. Knowing things, I’m telling you _, again_ , that _you_ made her the happiest she ever was. Not Penny, not Erica. _You_.”

“And Arizona,” April adds, “Not really knowing Callie, but knowing you, I’m also telling you, I’ve never seen Eliza, or Carina, or any of the other, ahem, about, five hundred nurses you banged make you look at them the way you look at Callie.”

“I know. I’m falling. But that still doesn’t mean it’s a good idea.” She kicks the suitcase, “I can’t control my stupid emotions, but I can make them _not_ interfere. It’s unrequited, and Callie’s built a good life away from me.” The last bit seeps with bitterness that makes April wince.

“Are you sure it’s unrequited?” April nudges Meredith, “Mer?”

“Well, _I_ don’t think so, but I really don’t know what Callie thinks. I told you, her heart moved from her sleeve to a safe with a ten-digit password. The fool doesn’t even see Erica drooling in her face.”

Arizona grinds her teeth together at the thought of Callie spending a five-hour flight jammed next to Erica.

She says in a quiet voice, “I do think it’s unrequited. Callie…she always has people lining up for her, and she has no idea. And not just in my sleeping-around way. Callie doesn’t sleep around.” She sighs, “I see what Mark meant now. He always told me that Callie doesn’t even know how good she is. He always wished that Callie would see herself the way he saw her.” Arizona’s fingertips tingle at the thought of Callie, “And now that I’ve finally realised how good she is, now that I’ve been cheated on too…I guess I can only kind of scratch the surface of why she still can’t sleep in on-call rooms.”

Meredith’s chipper gave away to a grave pull between her eyebrows, “I support any possibility of you two getting back together, Arizona, but you _knew_ George cheated on her.” Meredith’s words go cold, “When Callie lived with me and Derek, I really thought she might have needed her stomach pumped from the bottles and bottles of wine she finished. God knows she didn’t deserve _anything_ of the sort.” She fixates her stern look on Arizona, “And _never_ again.”

“Yeah…I-I think…I see things better now. We just…being in love wasn’t enough anymore. And only after she’s waltzed off into the sunset with Penny, I get how good she was.” She pauses, “How good she _is_.”

//

The night settles onto Seattle with Arizona staring at the ceiling in her bedroom again. The clock on the nightstand tells her that Callie’s plane has just taken off, flying to New York. And Arizona had let her.

Again.

She’ll probably just have to settle for Callie being the person she thinks of when she listens to love songs, and the person she misses at weddings… Her phone buzzes, filling the room with annoying vibrations, just reminding her once again how empty it is.

She buries her face into a pillow, and lays there with her eyes closed, reaching into the back of her head for a bit of comfort that only came back in waves of nostalgia.

God, that phone just _keeps_ buzzing.

She flips over and reaches over to silence it when she sees the two missed calls’ owner.

‘Calliope’ stares back at her from the screen.

As soon as she scrambles open the voicemail, Callie’s voice floats into her ears. “Heyyyy.”

_Alright. She’s drunk._

“Mhm. I- wait, why am I calling again?” Arizona hears a deep voice mumble something on the other side, “Ah yes. Right. SO. I am drunk. At the airport.” Callie starts giggling. “You need…need to come get me.”

Already throwing on a coat and grabbing her keys, she keeps the phone between her shoulder and her cheek, listening to the rest of the voicemail.

“Yeah…I’m at…” The voice, undoubtedly a man’s, mumbles something again, “Mm. At…the Fair Joy Bar. Right. Uh, how do we hang up a phone again?” The man’s voice comes closer, and the voicemail gives into the dial tone.

The thought that a man is somewhere with Callie – with drunk Callie – makes Arizona bound onto the street in less than two minutes.

Before the plane crash, she would sometimes watch Callie get herself drunk on wine, and she wouldn’t stop her, because she loved drunk Callie. Because at the time, it consisted mostly of Callie smiling shyly, the liquor seeping through her pink cheeks. She ducked her head down and said Arizona didn't need to do much. She could just stand there and Callie would love her. Callie said the wonders of the world that people talk about couldn't hold a thing to the first time she met Arizona. Not a thing. 

It’s only when Arizona clambers off her car, that the complete and utter stupidity of the thing she’s doing registers in her mind. She could’ve just called Meredith, or Alex, or Owen, even, but _no_. She got up in the middle of the night and rushed to get her very much drunk ex-wife at an airport.

But would she have actually called anyone even if she _had_ thought it through?

No. Honestly, Callie could call her on top of Mount Everest in a hang glider holding ten kittens and she would probably drop anything she’s doing and book a helicopter to see her in the middle of the clouds.

 _For Sofia’s sake_ , Arizona scolds herself, _Sofia can’t bear to lose another parent. I came here for Sofia._

A high-pitched laugh pulls her through the dingy doors and into the small bar inside.

The bar is small and cozy, an orange light spilling from many lamps that hang low from the ceiling. The soft light stops and starts glowing when it meets the figure perched, wobbly, on one of the stools.

The bar is surprisingly empty for a nice night like this one, and Callie’s waving her arms, telling a tall man behind the bar (Arizona lets out a breath. The man’s voice wasn’t some stranger hitting on Callie, it was the bartender) some inaudible and incomprehensible story while he stands awkwardly, amused.

Turning around, a big, silly smile plasters itself onto Callie’s face. “ARIZOONAAA!”

Her hair is swept back, just barely brushing against her shoulders, and in an absurdly adorable mess. A piece of hair sticks out just above her left ear at a weird angle. Her eyes are wide and giddy, all pretenses of seriousness or politeness fallen back at about twenty shots ago.

Somewhere in the moment of Callie staggering to stand up and Arizona rushing over to catch her arm before she topples over, Arizona knew Meredith was wrong about something.

Callie doesn’t have two smiles. Callie has three.

One, she uses at work. The second, sincere, with friends. That smiles spreads to her eyes and makes them shine and sparkle.

This third one though, Callie only smiles like that when she sees Arizona. It’s big and toothy and it explodes in little fireworks down the curve of her jaw and soars around the flutter of her eyebrows. The curve of her lips only meant for Arizona’s smile in return.

The bartender pokes his head around Callie’s shoulders and grins apologetically, “I’m sorry. She came in and before I could stop her, she’s already finished so many shots she complimented my eyes, then proceeded to ask me where I bought them.”

Callie giggles, “They are veryyyy nice eyes.” She sighs, “They’re blue. I love blue eyes. They remind me of someone.”

“And _your_ eyes are gorgeous the way they are, miss.” The bartender ruffles Callie’s hair, “She’s very likeable when she’s drunk. I’m Jack, by the way.”

“Yeah, hello, Jack, sorry for the fuss,” Arizona tugs at Callie elbow, “Hey, Calliope. Let’s go.”

Callie almost trips over her own feet, “Calliope’s a pretty name.”

“Well, it’s _your_ pretty name.”

“Is it?” Callie turns around to Jack, “HA! I know my name now! You, um, Mac? Can stop laughing at me for not knowing my name!”

“It’s Jack,” He looks back at Arizona, “I couldn’t get a name out of her, she’s so drunk. She couldn’t formulate a realistic address either, because I’m pretty sure she doesn’t live on the dark side of Uranus.”

Callie leans into Arizona’s outstretched arms, and Arizona immediately regrets it. Callie still _smells_ like Callie. Arizona can still smell her shampoo and perfume, even infiltrated with alcohol, and it makes her want to keep Callie’s head drooping on her shoulders for the rest of the night.

And the rest of many, many nights.

“Are you smoking again?”

“What?”

Callie groans, “You’re smoking again. I can smell it on your shirt.”

“Well…”

“Arizona! You’re a doctor! Stop smoking so much!”

“Alright, alright. Shhh.”

The bartender is still grinning at them from behind the bar, and Arizona smiles apologetically. He waves his hand happily, “I’m just surprised she remembered your name right away. I told her to call someone when I couldn’t get anything out of her, but she couldn't form a functional phone number." He shrugs, throwing a dish rag over his shoulder, "I’m impressed that she remembered yours.” 

Callie's laugh is muffled by Arizona's shoulder. “Of course I remember! Arizona is awesome.” She pauses and Arizona feels her hot breath against her neck. “Well, mostly.”

Arizona pays for all of Callie’s extravagant number of drinks, pushing the urge to say anything to the very back of her brain, who also seemed to store away any logical thought the moment Callie’s head burrowed into her shoulder.

“Um, Callie?”

“Yeeeesss?”

“Why did you call me?”

_Oh, yes. And there it is. Stupid, stupid big mouth._

Callie’s head lifts from Arizona’s shoulder, and a gush of cold air immediately takes her place. Arizona shudders. Callie wobbles the last two steps to the car, and leans against the door.

“Mm. You know, leaving Seattle is hard.”

“Is it?” Arizona adds under her breath, “Didn’t seem so hard the first time around.”

“Of course, you idiot. I _looove_ Seattle. I met my closest friends here, I had Sofia here, I got married here, and it was the _best_ freakin’ day of my life,” Callie rubs her eyes, “And then I got cheated on twice here. Gosh, I make spectuarly bad choices.” She scratches the nape of her neck. "Spectacularlarily. _Spectatataly_. Spetar-"

Arizona doesn’t want to listen any more. “Okay, Callie, let’s just get you to a hotel.” She reaches over to open the door.

“Nooo. I’m not finished,” she whines, “I’m not saying…saying that you were a bad choice. Hell, you were never a choice. If anything, you were downright a-a piece of myself that I finally found in a bar bathroom.”

Arizona shakes her head, mostly at herself, suddenly feeling hot in the chilly midnight air, and opens the door to the backseats, “C’mon. I’ll listen once you get inside.”

Grudgingly, Callie flops onto the backseat, and thumps her head onto the window, “I told Erica to go ahead and board first without…without me. I went toooo the bar. Yeah,” her slurred words come falling out and Arizona slips into the backseat with her, “I needed liquid courage. But then Sir Taco over there-”

“–Jack–”

“–Jack said I can’t board a plane drunk. Stupid rules. It was so much easier the first time. Leaving Seattle.”

Callie sniffles, “I was so freakin’ determined I sued you for custody. _God_ help me and my stupid choices.”

“Yeah, well, not my brightest moment either.”

“Mm. I was so sorry for t-that. I still am so, _so_ sorry. Sofia…”

Arizona’s fingers shoot to Callie’s trembling hand, “No, no, no, Callie please don’t cry. I hate crying Callie.”

“I’m not _crying_. I won’t cry talking about whatever-” a big tear rolls down her cheek and lands with a plop on their hands, “Oh. Fuck.”

She had already been responsible for Callie’s tears too many times for her liking, dammit.

Arizona’s hands ignore her brain screaming halt and raise to flatten Callie’s messy hair and wipe away the second tear making its way down her cheek.

“Some days…” Callie hiccups, “Some days…I miss Seattle so much I feel like I might grow a pair of wings and start flying across the country from sheer willpower.”

Arizona stays mute, listening to the sound of the wind meet with Callie’s words, not daring to open her own mouth. She consumes in cold, and marvels at the heat between boiling into her flesh. She doesn’t dare move, not when a girl with brown hair and big eyes lay oblivious against her window, spurting every scrap of her thoughts. Even when that girl won’t remember a thing the next day except a drunken ringing in her ears.

“And some days, I miss Mark so much I can’t _breathe_. He would’ve hated this.”

“Yeah?”

“Of course. He would’ve found this unacceptable.” She hiccups again, “Mark…Mark was the first person to know I was bi. He d-didn’t run, he didn’t find me disgusting, he didn’t go telling everyone. He accepted it. He accepted Erica, and he stayed even when he met Lexie. He w-walked me down the damn aisle when _my parents_ ditched me, Arizona.”

Callie’s tears sweep down her cheeks and dampen her shirt. Her eyelids jump between closed and wide awake. She trembles, and all of her confidence leaves her face in a whirl of the breeze. Like a tumbling tower of Jenga, her bricks aren’t glued together, no, they are stacked in a fragile hold, and when a hand picks a brick from the pile at the wrong angle, they crash down.

Every atom of her body screeching for her not to, Arizona pulls her into a tight hug. The weight that _she_ had toppled the wall of bricks time and time again pushing down on her shoulders.

“I loved loving before.” Callie whispers into her hair.

No one moves, except for Callie’s quick shallow breaths, still slowing down from the sobs and leaking with the smell of liquor. When Callie starts burying her head deeper into the crook of Arizona’s neck, Arizona finally realises the intense severity of the situation. Her arms become painfully aware of the soft body they press, and her neck stiffens against Callie’s cold fingertips. 

She’s transfixed, frozen in place, but somehow a numbed finger manages to pry Callie’s half-conscious arms off. The ride to the nearest hotel cuts like a movie scene. One minute, they are on the curb, the screen goes black, then next, they are trudging down a dimly lit hallway, Callie leaning into Arizona.

The hotel room is stuffy and small. Callie’s suitcase delivered to the doorstep minutes before the two’s arrival, still carrying a bit of dirt where Arizona had kicked it repeatedly. A lone bed lays under a few skimpy sheets, and Arizona’s hands clutch tighter onto the other’s arm at the thought of Callie sleeping something so undeserving of her presence.

“That’s not a very pretty room.” Callie slurs, “And I think I forgot how to use my feet.”

She wobbles out of Arizona’s hands and falls onto the bed, finally giving in to the heavy pressure of alcohol.

“I still have to get on the plane.”

“Shhh. It’s alright. You can sleep right now.”

Arizona leans on the door frame, taking in Callie’s silhouette on the bed, her hair in a mess, her arm tucked under her chin. Just for the tiniest moment, nothing changed at all. For the shortest moment, they are still Callie and Arizona, they are happy. For the shortest moment, Callie just came home from building cartilage, and is too tired to make dinner, and Arizona is by the phone to order pizza. Mark is in the apartment right across, and the dresser in their bedroom has both their clothes strewn all over the drawers.

“Please don’t leave, Arizona.”

Arizona’s breath flies out of her throat and leaves her suffocating in the doorway.

The doorway of this old hotel where Callie has to reside for the night because she moved to New York. Because they aren’t Callie _and_ Arizona anymore. She’s just Callie, and she’s just Arizona.

“Please. Not today.”

_**PART II - NEW YORK** _

_**Snow Patrol** _

> _If_ _our hearts are never broken then there's no joy in the mending,_
> 
> _There's so much this hurt can teach us both,_
> 
> _And there's distance and there's silence, your words have never left me,_
> 
> _They're the prayer I say everyday._

Callie's soft snores resound in the room after a few minutes. Her head is in Arizona's lap, facing her stomach, her puffs drawing the fabric away and back.

The whole world is holding in a breath, deadly silent in the early hours of the morning. It's almost as if it's waiting patiently to see if something will finally happen. Something apart from Arizona gently stroking the top of Callie's head and stealing glances now and then.

Arizona could feel every breath, every flair of heat that radiates off of the girl in her lap. She is so tortuously aware of the comfortable weight on her legs and the delicate occasional flutter of her eyes. Everything about her, everything around her, anything that Callie touches, feels _special_.

To her, any memory with Callie is locked up in a small, intricate casket at the very bottom of her heart. Precious, demanding to be felt, but smoldering at the slightest touch. It bites in a way nothing has before, but still wildly enticing.

Dangerous.

It's minutes like this that make the casket rattle and shake, like it's going to shatter and let the past go flying.

All her alarms are lighting and blaring _danger_ , but in the end it's somehow the danger that draws her close. She lands a small peck on the top of Callie's head. Chaste, but plenty enough.

Callie stays immobile with her soft snores, and Arizona almost feels lonely again. This feels exactly like one of those moments in movies the lead speaks to the "sleeping" person about their oh-so-deep-and-sad-feelings. She snorts inwardly at her own thoughts, but can't help but understand why say it aloud. Maybe Callie will hear her. Maybe she won't. Both of the options terrify her.

She just wants to hold on this steady. She should've held and she wishes to hold. Sighing, she closes her eyes, "God, Calliope…"

Her words are barely audible to herself over the distant car horns and crickets, but they flow out into the hotel air nonetheless. She should say something. Not saying something would be a disappointment to this scenery and ironic cliché. "You…you need to find someone who loves you to the moon. Someone as important to me as you shouldn't _ever_ be treated as anything less than the world. I didn't do my part. You have _got to_ find someone who will. You have got to take care of yourself. Take _good_ care of yourself." What other words would calm the whirlwind inside her? "Take good care, so that our memories cannot disturb or be disturbed…"

Slowly, she places Callie's head onto a pillow, and slips off the bed. She has got to leave soon. If not, who knows what other stupid things she might say or do? Without the frustrations of alcohol and caution of movement on Callie's features, her sleeping form lets a current of peacefulness wash over Arizona, although telling her that it's okay to walk away this time.

She pours a glass of water on the nightstand, and digs out the last of her Advil from her pocket. Setting two blankets over her, she looks at Callie one more time.

Arizona can't stay here for the night, obviously not.

"Hey, Mer?" Arizona mutters into the phone, "Callie's drunk and just passed out in the hotel on sixth street."

_Pause._

"Yeah, that one. Come and stay with her, will you?"

_Pause._

"You know very well why I can't stay."

_Pause._

"Alright. I checked, the next plane to New York is tomorrow at ten," She rubs her temples, "Yeah, thanks. I'll see you."

Turning around one last time, she sees Callie still fast asleep, nothing in the world disturbing her. Giving herself a hard pinch on the arm, she finally locks the door and walks down the long, eerie corridor, alone this time.

//

Meredith swats Callie's head, cursing to herself, "Callie, Jesus, you just can't keep it together for one night, can't you?"

Callie grumbles under the constant swatting but doesn't move. Meredith sighs, "Get up, get up. You have another flight in three hours."

"Mmh."

"Come on."

Callie's eyes suddenly snap open, scaring Meredith, "I think I'm going crazy."

Meredith strips off the blankets and forcefully pulls Callie into a sitting position, "Why?"

"It…smells like Arizona. Like, everywhere," Callie says still not fully awake, "The hangover's doing crazy things. I can't remember a thing. But I swear that I dreamt of her." She smacks her forehead and scrambles for the Advil and water on the nightstand, "God, it smells like strawberries and perkiness and smoke…"

Really, Callie shivers, whatever the hell happened? The years that still churn sometimes, that they spent together, she had long gave them back to Arizona.

"Do you miss her?"

Callie freezes and a splash of water sloshes on her wrist. Then she shrugs as if it isn't a big deal, as if it's silly to even ask, "Bit depressing to start a day with, Meredith."

Meredith just looks at her.

"I guess. I mean, of course. She's _Arizona_." She swallows the Advil, "When the world gets really quiet at night or on an afternoon that's too sunny, the memories become _really_ loud. Or maybe it's the memories that make the world quiet." She tries getting out of bed, and winces when her head throbs, "Either way– _ouch, holy mother of_ –they're memories."

"I get that."

Callie trudges over to her suitcases unsteadily and fumbles for some clothes that aren't crazily crinkled. "Mer! Let's move our asses and make sure I get on a plane this time."

With just enough time to get to the airport, Callie hustles her suitcase out of the small room, Meredith closes the door with a click, and the two scuttle down the long hallway.

"I mustn't have been _that_ drunk to remember your number," Callie says once they're both in the backseat of a cab that smells like old newspapers, "I have trouble remembering my own postal code."

Meredith opens her mouth to retort, but then thought it better to only say, "I guess so."

At the entrance of security, just before the long line that awaits the touchy airport people to feel them up, Callie turns to Meredith, "Okay. This is it."

"You're sure?"

"Yeah," she gestures to her carry-on, "I even got a few lollipops in case I get nervous."

"You get nervous while flying too?"

"Of course. I lost two people on that plane."

Meredith pats her arm, "Mark."

"And Arizona." Callie says, "In a way."

"You can always stay, you know. You can live at my house for the next ten years if you die old and lonely. We can die old and lonely together and pick up people in bars."

"It'll be far more than ten years if I really die old and lonely," she smiles, "And I've gotten outstandingly horrible at picking people up in bars. Even if New York feels empty, it's where I live now."

"Yeah? Empty?"

"Yeah. Not much of anyone I love."

Meredith slaps Callie's hand, "Then why not come back, you idiot?"

"OW. But, honestly? I'm not sure. It feels sort of like an obligation sometimes, New York."

Callie really is hesitant to leave, she's standing there in the middle of an airport, fiddling with the handles of her suitcase, staring at the glossy floor, saying that she's leaving but not taking a step forward.

"Go on, then," Meredith pulls her into a quick hug and says, "And come back whenever you'd like. You're always welcome. You have people you love who love you right back here."

"No! Don't say that!"

"What?"

Callie whines a little, "When you say things like that, my resolve will freaking melt. When you say things like that, it's gonna pierce my already tiny bit of fragile willpower."

"Alright then," Meredith releases her with a grin and a hard clap on the back, "Scram to New York, you ungrateful idiot! I'll miss you and be happy."

Callie grins back, "Thank you."

With that, she walks into the line of tourists and bags and at the very end of the line, she tiptoes just above all the heads to see Meredith still grinning and waving. She waves back and keeps forcing her legs to walk onward.

//

Hardly outside the airport, Meredith's phone rings. She picks up and Arizona's frantic voice starts rambling right away, "Meredith! Callie's plane takes off in an hour, please tell me she at least got past the touchy security people!"

"Arizona-"

"And she's nervous about flying too, Meredith! She doesn't say anything about it because she doesn't feel like she has the right too, because she wasn't on the plane, and because I kept yelling at her because she wasn't on the plane, but she _is_ nervous when she flies-"

"Yes, I know, but-"

"You have to make sure she gets there safely too! Call her around four or five, she'd be in New York by then. God, why did people even invent planes, all they do is scare people and fly for no good reason-"

"Yes, but Arizona-"

"I mean I worry because she's Sofia's mom and Sofia already dealt with enough loss in her short, _short_ life-"

"Arizona!"

"Yes?"

Meredith takes a breath, "Callie's fine. She probably passed the security by now, and she did get a bit nervous, but that's sorted out."

"Oh." Arizona finally says, without her words running into each other, "Good."

Arizona sighs, and Meredith can hear her breathing heavily in her ear.

"She left again."

"Yeah." Arizona clutches the phone tighter, "She left again."

> _I miss it all, from the love to the lightening,_ _and the lack of it snaps me in two._
> 
> _Just give me a sign, there's an end with a beginning,_
> 
> _To the quiet chaos driving me back._


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A genuine thank you to my small amount of readers, thank you for taking time to read this story and taking the time to leave kudos.  
> There has been a lot of things going on in the world. I wish and hope with every bit of my heart we’ll see brighter days soon. I hope everyone is doing well.  
> enjoy -

_**PART I - STITCHES AND BURNS** _

_**Fra Lippo Lippi** _

> _Day after day,_
> 
> _Leaving the past behind,_
> 
> _Coming to terms with stitches and burns._

The sun creeps closer and closer to the horizon, and Callie sits in her idle apartment in New York. Her suitcase is yet to be bothered, resting between the bedroom door and the clean kitchen counter. There’s a big window in her living room, which gives way to a skyline of tall buildings and foggy offices, towering over cars and buses. The whole city vibrates with movement, with noise, but when the last rays of sunlight leaks onto her carpet at this certain angle, everything goes still.

The sunlight makes her think of the people in Seattle, and when she thinks about people she’s left behind, the world goes quiet and still. And when the noise drains out and the sunlight finally fades into moonlight, New York is empty. Empty car horns, empty drunk hollering, empty motors revving. Empty emails from the hospital and empty guys trying to pick her up in bars. (Even though Callie had long decided bars might not be the most ideal places to pick out future dates.)

Two thousand and four hundred miles away, Arizona finishes her take-out flopped on a gurney, and surveys her phone so intensely it might just be set on fire. The poor phone is perched cautiously next to her, fingerprints all over the screen from the swipes and fussing of the past half-hour. Her only excuse of a distraction now eaten and in her stomach, she is finally left to a one-on-one battle with the phone.

_Mind over matter, Arizona, mind over matter. You are a surgeon. You are a bad ass surgeon who saves tiny humans on a daily basis. You cannot let emotions interfere with business._

Nurses pass by and throws curious glances her way as she narrows her eyes and pokes the phone, although it could bite her.

 _You look like a psycho, Arizona. Snap out of it!_ Another side of her argues right back, _But Meredith is right. She called you last night. It’s kind of your responsibility to make sure she got there safely._ She slides off the gurney. _You should just get to work._ But instead, weirdly, her footsteps lead her to a supply closet.

_Oh, screw it. I’ve got nothing to lose._

//

Callie’s phone rings under a frilly cushion on the couch.

“Hello?” The contact name had certainly surprised her, “Arizona?”

“H-Hey.”

“Hey! Is Sofia okay?”

“Uh, yeah, yeah. Sof’s fine.”

“Oh. Thank god.”

“Mhmm.”

“Is there something wrong?”

“Huh?” Arizona strolls in nervous circles between the shelves of supplies, “No, no. Everything’s fine. I just, um,” _Heaven knows she really should prepare a script for every time she talks to Callie_ , “I guess…I, um, just wanted to make sure you got to New York alright.”

Callie’s taken by surprise, stammering before her big window, “Y-y-yeah. It’s just – we rarely call. I slept m-most of the flight. I probably won’t sleep tonight, actually, but that’s alright because I have to read a paper on, um, knees. Yeah.” She clears her throat and passes a hand through her hair. _What the hell._

“Oh. Cool.” Arizona can’t help but give in to the tugging on the corners of her mouth, Callie’s nervous voice was–is–something that’s like a speed bump in her chest, “Just wanted to make sure no planes crashed or anything.”

Callie chuckles.

“Okay. Well. No planes crashed,” Arizona says awkwardly, “I should…go?”

“No!”

The speed bump does something to her heart, when it’s beating. It sort of goes ~ _woo~,_ and bumps into the bottom of Arizona’s throat.

“No, no, I mean, uh, you should stay and talk a bit.” Callie trudges to the edge of her window and slides down with her back to the horizon of skyscrapers, “I mean, only if you want to. I guess you’re probably pretty busy. Saving tiny humans or tiny fetuses or whatever.”

“Ah- I only have to monitor a baby boy for the rest of the night. And if something happens, the nurses will page me.”

“Okay. Great.”

They both listen to each other breathing for a bit. It isn’t a comfortable silence, but it isn’t awkward either. A hanging, floating silence.

Arizona finally breaks it, “Callie?”

“Yeah?”

“The…um, your drinking…I mean, not that I was observing from afar–that’s creepy–I wanted to say that your–the bar–it’s,” She purses her lips, “Okay. Forget everything I just said. I just wanted to…”

“Oh. I called you last night, didn’t I?”

Arizona stuffs whatever else she was about to say back down her throat, “Yeah.” Somewhere along the way, she sat down between the shelves, and is now fiddling with a mask, “You did.”

“Sorry.”

“No- Really. It’s alright.”

Callie pries her own gritted teeth apart and says, “Thank you. For whatever you did last night.”

“Really, Calliope, it’s fine. No one, and certainly not me, will leave a drunk lady alone in a bar in the middle of the night.”

“I know, I know. You just…you could’ve just hung up after you heard I was drunk. But you didn’t. Thank you.”

“Well, it’s an honour to be the only number you can remember drunk.”

Callie laughs, at the irony or out of pure amusement, she doesn’t know, but she laughs, a hearty, soft, laugh that drifts across to Seattle from New York and makes Arizona shiver against boxes of gloves.

“I can barely remember my own phone number most of the time, I can’t even believe I that I was sure I called Meredith for a moment,” Callie says, “Of course it had to be you. Not that there’s anything wrong with you – sorry – just the whole ex-wife thing.”

“Yeah. The universe just really screws with us sometimes,” Arizona giggles a little too, “And you know what?”

“Yeah?”

“If I was so drunk, I forgot my own name, I think would only remember you, too.”

Callie’s short and breathy laugh reaches her ears again, and three more speed bumps get into her heart’s way. She doesn’t know that Callie started crying just a second ago. She doesn’t know how much Callie had mastered the art of silent tears since having a daughter.

“Everything just screws everyone over all the time, damn.” Callie is still chuckling, and she can still feel the trek of dampness down her face, “It’s crazy.”

“So crazy,” Arizona hears Callie’s breath hitch, and supposed she’s just suppressing a giggle, “Hey, you know Owen signed up for being a foster parents a couple weeks ago, right?”

“Yeah, he went on and on about it in an email.”

“He got Leo!” Arizona says excitedly, “Leo’s super handsome and he’s tiny and he’s _adorable_.”

“He did?! That’s great! I’ll have to force him to send me pictures some time…”

The sun creeps closer and closer to Seattle’s horizon, too. At some point, Arizona left the supply closet, talking about her latest case, and settled on a chair in the NICU along the rows of cots and incubators.

“…And Megan Hunt somehow miraculously appeared out of nowhere.”

“Oh my god, Meredith was talking about that for _days_!” Callie swipes away a stray tear from her chin, she honestly had no idea why she’s still crying, “Really, that hospital is cursed or something, drama gets there in literal _swarms_.”

“Urgh, I knowww.”

“You-” Callie hesitates, “Never mind.”

“Huh?” Arizona frowns, “What?”

“Not important. Ahem, _so Megan Hunt_ -”

“Calliope!”

That name kills her, even after all this time. A chill down her spine different from when Penny said it, when her parents say it, when Erica says it. The salty aftertaste of crying still lingers on the corners of her mouth, and she lets out a shaky breath, “Really, it’s nothing. I wanted to ask you what happened with Carina, but I thought better of it and shut my mouth.”

“Oh. Do you really want to know?”

“Um, I mean, you guys seemed so happy together, you know? From what people told me, you guys were always fine and giddy and _happy_ …Yeah, I guess I’m just curious. And you let me be happy. I want you to be happy too.” Callie quickly adds, “But it’s alright if you don’t want to say anything, it’s not my place to listen to these, uh, types of problems. I get it.”

Arizona sighs, “No, it’s fine.”

“Really?”

“Really. We got into a fight over…it wasn’t important, we had a disagreement, and she walked away. Then a day later I went to find her and she was in a supply closet making out with Owen.”

“She was _WHAT_?”

Arizona winces at the sudden loud voice in her ear. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to share this after all, regarding their history…Arizona silently curses herself for her ignorance, “Shhh Callie, my eardrums almost burst.”

“Sorry, sorry. But the woman _what_??

“It-”

“Are you alright?”

“I’m- what?”

“Are you okay? I mean, did you guys work it out? Or did you just…sorry. It’s none of my business. As long as you’re okay.”

Arizona slumps down in her chair “Yeah, I’m okay. I broke up with her the day before the gala.”

“Oh, okay. Did…you’re okay?”

“Yup. Don’t worry. Really. I’m better than I thought I would be.” Arizona bites back the memory of her being only capable of thinking about _Callie_ after she found Carina.

After the few seconds of initial anger faded, the awkwardness of the situation itself hit Callie flat in the face. She groans, her hot temper is something she is still learning to control.

“Callie? You alright?”

“Yeah, yeah. I, um, I’m sorry for bringing that up. It just didn’t– I just didn’t know it was– I would have never-”

“Callie. It’s okay.”

She nods and grits her teeth before remembering Arizona is on the other side of the country, and that she can’t possibly know she’s nodding, “Mm. Sure. I’ll just…yeah. So, um, did I ever tell you about that one dude that was singing in the metros of New York, then proceeded to back flip onto the platform?”

Arizona rocks back and forth in her chair, and all at once, she looks nothing like the flirtatious woman picking up ridiculous amounts of girls in bars or the flighty, jumpy person who never ties down. She wears the face of a tired surgeon, mourning over a procedure that crumbled to the ground and cost a family their child from a slight error that slipped out of _her_ hands. She closes her eyes and rests her head on the back of the chair, “No, Calliope, you didn’t,” she replies, “Tell me about it.”

“Alright.” Callie relaxes against the cold glass of the window, “So he looked like he was about twenty something, early thirties, maybe? He had round glasses and everything, sorta like a blonde Harry Potter, now that I think about it…”

Their conversation resumes with Callie rambling in Arizona’s ear, and Arizona grunting at the right places. After the story of the incident of the blonde Harry Potter, Arizona started to tell Callie about Eliza and the fire, even though Callie knew most of the details already.

“Yeah, well…Eliza wasn’t _as_ bad as everyone said, although her departure could’ve been managed better,” Arizona says.

“Of course it could have. You slept with her.”

“I-I-”

“Arizona, you’re hot, and everyone hated her, and you’re usually quick to judge, so the only reason you could be defending is ‘cause you slept with her,” Callie snickers, “Besides, I got infinite complaints from Mer and Owen and Alex and Bailey and everyone else I kept in touch with about that.”

“Oh…” Arizona kicks herself again for not preparing a ready-written script and just going with her thoughtless words, “Well, it probably made them all feel better that she ghosted me, then.”

“Yeah, well, what would you expect?” Callie tastes the sharpness of her sentence almost immediately and adds, “I mean, she was _Eliza_. But don’t worry, Arizona, someone will appear out of nowhere one day, and they’ll make everything feel _worth it_.”

Again, Arizona holds her tongue and grits her teeth to physically keep her words from spewing out, even though she’s almost positive she already used her chance at _that_ _someone_.

“You will too.”

Callie sighs, “Thank you.”

The moon has long peered over New York, and the sun in Seattle set. Occasionally, during the phone call, the two would just let the line dangle in peacefulness, in between stories to let their voices rest together. The peculiar silence soon turned into a comfortable silence interrupted by Arizona’s stomach gurgling.

“Oops,” she giggles.

“Arizona! Go eat something!”

“No, no, I’m okay, Callie, I swear.”

“I heard your stomach from _New York_. You’re hungry.” She can’t help but grin at the thought of a starving Arizona giggling at her own appetite between rows and rows of babies, “Go to the cafeteria, the nurses will page you if something’s wrong.”

“But I’m so comfortable here!”

“Ohhh. Don’t tell me the only thing keeping you from going to get something to eat is you being too lazy to get off the chair!”

 _No,_ Arizona thought to herself, _the only thing keeping me from getting something to eat is because I don’t want to disturb the perfect quiet moment I’m spending in the NICU with Calliope Torres. Or rather, the thought of you and your voice in my ear._ “Yeah, something like that,” she says instead.

“Arizona!” Callie scolds playfully, “When I was in the Peace Corps, I had to get used to Botswana-style food for a month before being able to eat normally! Be grateful you have greasy, cheap American food at your disposal!”

“I never stayed long enough in Malawi to get used to the foods. They were good though, so much healthier than most of the stuff here.”

“I know right? Did I ever tell you that my dad used to go on all these business trips when I was in elementary school, and sometimes he’d take Aria and I with him, and _holy crap_ , Arizona, when I tell you I loved travelling. The nights before we left, I’d just lie on my bed, all giddy, staring at the ceiling until the morning. I was so excited.”

Arizona smiles and Callie throwing herself into another story, forgetting all about Arizona’s hunger. An explicable giddiness also took over Arizona, “Yeah?”

“Yeah! The margins of the earth always used to be so narrow and easy to get to, and I would’ve given _anything_ to see _everything_.”

“And now?”

“Hm. Well, it feels a lot bigger. Not only the places, but everything you have to learn about the place, the people from the place, the history of the place. I still get giddy thinking about it though. But now, I rarely want to see everything anymore, more often than not, I feel content just sitting on my balcony.”

“I get that.”

“I know you do.”

“It means we’re get all old and wrinkly.” Arizona adds teasingly, "And I don't even know what we're talking about anymore."

“Oh, you’re impossible,” Callie says, and Arizona can practically see her smiling and shaking her head happily in their old kitchen when Arizona used to burn the pancakes.

“Hey! Weren’t you supposed to go eat something to make sure you won’t pass out on top of your tiny humans?”

Arizona groans, “I guess.”

“Go on then! It’s practically midnight in New York anyway.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

Neither of them says anything else, but neither of them hangs up. Callie laughs again, and licks a stray tear that passes by her mouth, “I should go, then.”

“Wait!” Arizona curses herself for the millionth time in the evening for her choice of words and her incredibly laughable way of talking when she’s talking to Callie, “Um, I mean this was nice. Maybe, in the future, if you want to, we can talk more often?” She swallows, “For Sofia’s sake.”

“Sure.” Callie finally manages to stop her silent crying for more than a few minutes, “You can call me whenever you want, Arizona, even if you don’t have a reason to,” she says, “For Sofia’s sake.”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

“Your welcome. Anytime.”

“So…bye.”

“Mhmm. Bye.”

Callie’s back leaves the glass of the window, and she sees that it indeed is a quarter past midnight. They’ve been talking for the past five hours. She said herself that the world is vast, but whatever the hell would explain that it is indeed so vast when everything else was almost invisible for the whole five hours of talking with Arizona, in Seattle?

The entire time that Arizona nibbles on an apple, she can almost _feel_ Callie with her. Watching her, grinning at her, sitting beside her…and whatever other sensation a person’s weird not-really-there presence brings. Presuming the world is as little and narrow as Callie once implied, how could Callie– _her Calliope_ –not hear her heart beating a mile an hour through the phone?

> _With eyes wide open,_
> 
> _I would choose not to see._

**_PART II - RUNNING BACK TO YOU_ **

**_For The Foxes (Ft. Allison Weiss)_ **

“Really? Clarke Farris? As in the Clarke Farris of the Seattle Sea-hawks?” Callie paces in her kitchen, clutching the phone, “A quadruple knee-ligament injury?”

“Yup, April was hanging in Matthew’s rig for a burrito date again, some attempt at recreating their past dates, I think, actually, and he got the call. They went away with April because the people there ordered they come straight away–I mean, the guy’s a celebrity–and the rig’s on its way to the field.” Arizona says, “He’s asking for the best and Bailey is on the phone with the team, yelling something about how the best ortho surgeon ran away to New York.”

“Oops. Sorry.” Callie says, chuckling. “I can hear Bailey from here.” She curses herself inwardly for the pang of guilt that punched her gut. _You shouldn’t feel guilty. Moving is the first thing you did for in a long, long time._ Despite, she bit her lip hard to keep the apologies that come swarming inside.

The two have been exchanging phone calls very often for the past weeks following their five hour long catching-up after Callie landed in New York. Arizona told her all about the baby boy that she was watching and Callie told her about the research she started. They joked about Alex being too chicken to propose, (He calls people up for marriage advice then realise that most of his friends are brutally divorced or their significant other died because of a truck. Or have never been married.) and the two of them both nagged Alex until he gave in and showed them the ring he hid in Meredith’s dresser. Subconsciously, they had went about their days and started counting the hours with the time that was left before phone calls.

Callie wandered about New York, suddenly finding herself learning to appreciate the little bits and pieces of the city, often in search of something worth recounting at night. The street artists that hung around her apartment and the posters on the underground tunnels gradually became more intriguing. She surprised herself, taking pictures of curious road signs and clouds that looked vaguely like dragons.

“You said it’s a quadruple?”

“Yup.” Arizona tries shushing Bailey politely, and earned herself a killer glare and a scowl.

“Is it partial?”

“I’m not sure. They’re still on their way. It sounded pretty bad though, I think it might have a small chance of being a complete tear.”

Callie curses under her breath. She loves the Seattle Sea-hawks, and even in New York, she follows their games. Back in Seattle, she treated some members and supervised their recoveries. She was kind of a big deal with the team, and even with minor sprains and fractures, sometimes they would still call her for a heads-up. Callie’s the one and only ortho goddess, after all.

She _could_ … No. No. That’s just stupid. She shouldn’t even think about it. It’s dumb to even _suppose_ -

“Callie? Hello? Are you still there?”

Or maybe the idea wasn’t so bad.

“Mhmm.” Still trying to detain the thoughts in her head, she barely registers Arizona’s question.

“Calliope?”

“Oh! Yeah. Sorry. I was just, um, thinking.” For whatever reason, a familiar shiver shoots down her spine, and it _must’ve_ touched some important nerve endings, because all at once, she makes up her mind. “Hey, Arizona? Can you get Bailey on the phone?”

“Sure. Why?”

“I’m coming to Seattle.”

“ _What?_ ”

“C’mon, don’t be all weird. You know the Seattle Seahawks are my babies, and Farris’ knee will probably need long physical therapy and I’m the best there is.” Callie says as she half-jogs to her bedroom, grabbing a small suitcase, “I’m head of ortho here, so my schedule isn’t all that messy. People in New York rarely fall from trees or get tangled in bikes, believe it or not.”

Arizona catches a hold of the E.R.’s counter and blinks rapidly, “S-s-so you’re coming to Grey-Sloan? Like, now?”

“Yup. Can you get Bailey on the phone please?” Callie throws a few t-shirts and pants into her suitcase haphazardly, “I think I can get there in six hours, if I hurry enough and get a private plane…some way or the other.”

Arizona’s steps feel jittery when she walks towards Bailey, who has hung up and was glaring at an intern since a few minutes, “Okay, Callie, I’m handing you over to Bailey.”

“Hey! Bailey!”

“ _What._ ” Bailey’s voice sends quite a different kind of shiver to Callie this time, and this one doesn’t feel at all pleasant. Not that the one earlier felt anything like too pleasant. Of course not.

“Um, well, I was going to fly over to Seattle, you know, since the whole Clarke Farris thing. I-uh, do you want me to?” Callie suddenly feels way less sure of her decision.

Bailey, on the other hand, brightens considerably, “Really? Yes! Yes! That’s great, I’ll call back to the team–God, when I tell you they are pushy–they’ll be thrilled. As am I. Torres, I think I might even arrange your plane for you, because I am very suddenly in a good mood.”

Callie laughs nervously, “Thanks.” Regaining her composure, she says, “Alright. When they get Farris back, make sure it’s at least a fellow that does the initial checkup and not an intern, and send for an MRI right away. Get the additional tests you need, and get him comfortable. We don’t want our football hero to be anymore pain that he is.”

Bailey assures her happily, “Perfect. I’ll get going and hopefully find a private plane for – OH! I’m pretty Jackson bought a private plane once. Well, if not, he can buy one, I’ll force him to, anyway, he had the money to buy a yacht. He can afford to get you a plane.”

“Jackson has a _yacht_?”

“Yes, Harper Avery died and left him a fortune and whatever.”

“Wait but-”

“We’ll catch up once you get here, Torres, now hurry your ass up.” Bailey starts walking and halts after two steps, “Uh, Torres?”

“I’m hurrying my ass up, Miranda, I swear!”

“No, not that. I mean, do please hurry.” She coughs, “Are you…doing the do with Robbins? Again?”

Callie chokes on the huge gulp of water she just drank, and sprays it over her carpet and a good portion of her suitcase. “BAIL-” She hastily tries to open her mouth to answer, but gets overwhelmed by the choking and coughing. On the other side, Arizona eyes Bailey, startled, from across the ER, who just a second ago fuming mad, is now suppressing wide grin.

“Huh, Torres…I think I’ll take your silence as a confirmation. I’ll just go and hand the phone back to Robbins.” Bailey says, even as she hears the desperate coughing as loud as day in her ears. “I suppose some things just don’t ever want to change, do they?”

Callie splutters, “W-What are you- M-Miranda! We are n-not-” Before she gets caught in another fit of wheezing.

Bailey chortles, “Alright, alright, Callie. It’s just that lately, Arizona is waltzing around the place even more unicorn-and-rainbowy than usual.”

April and Richard had both caught Arizona extra-cheery the past couple weeks, and had both tried both tried to dig up dirt on the phone calls, and neither had gotten more than Arizona brushing them off with a casual, “We just took up better means of communication!”

Wiping some of the water away from her suitcase, Callie makes a face, holding off her hacking just enough to say, “I’m happy Arizona’s all rainbow sparkles, but Bailey, you just almost murdered your number one ortho surgeon.”

“Good to know you’re still well alive and talking, then!” Bailey parades happily to a confused Arizona, and hands her the phone back with a little wiggle of her eyebrows. “Carpe diem, Robbins, carpe diem.”

Even more confused, Arizona raises the phone to her face, “What the heck did you say to Bailey to make her speak Latin and get all- _Callie_! Are you okay?”

“I-I’m fi-” Finishing the last of her coughs, Callie’s voice is throaty and hoarse, “She just almost murdered me indirectly.”

“Why are you hacking up your guts?!”

“It’s not that bad, Arizona,” she chuckles, “don’t worry. I’m just fine.”

“You are not!”

“I am, I am, I swear!”

“I’m not convinced.”

“But you’ll let it pass?” Callie asks hopefully. She can’t imagine how to explain the cause of that fit of coughing.

“Fine.”

“Oh thank god. I’ll have to clean up the suitcase since it’s half soaked, and get myself together so I can get on a rich boy’s inherited-riches-plane.”

“Ah. Jackson.” Arizona chuckles, “Fly safe. Think of breaking someone’s bones when the plane takes off. That always helps.”

“It does. Thanks. I’ll see you later.”

And Callie’s voice is replaced by the beeping of the dial tone. Arizona sighs. Maybe it isn’t always like April said. Maybe it really _is_ possible for them to be more than mere co-parents-borderline-strangers and possibly even, build a friendship. It’s good for Sofia. She could maybe even benefit now and then with dinners and trips to the park with the both of them.

//

Much to her own surprise, Callie only absent-mindedly chews on a piece of gum before boarding the plane, and dozes off right away after take-off. The trip to Seattle just mysteriously justifies itself as a safe feeling. _Returning._

Sure enough, Jackson and Bailey are waiting excitedly for her as soon as she gets off the plane.

“Heyyyy! Welcome back, Callie! How was the ride?”

“Awesome, Jackson. Thanks for the private plane.” Callie grins widely as she hauls her suitcase along. The musty airport smell and the foggy Seattle sky already settled into the crook of her smile, she stops for a moment and just focuses on the smell of the air around her.

Bailey starts walking briskly, “I’m absolutely ecstatic you’re back, Torres, but Farris had all his tests, and his team is breathing down my neck this very second.”

“Sheesh.”

“We already have a cab, and Jackson will drop off your stuff at Meredith’s. You’re coming with me to the hospital right away.”

Callie stumbles after Bailey, who walks amazingly fast for someone so short. “And I’ll just head to the hospital and operate on Farris’s knee right away?”

“Well, you’re the specialist here. Inspect what you need to inspect, do what you need to do. I might send Shepherd down to you at some point to check the nerves, because of the guy’s insistence, but otherwise, you make all the calls.”

“Great.” Callie says as they climb into the cab. Shutting the door, Bailey pats her knee reassuringly, “Don’t worry Torres.”

“I’m not worried!” Her voice is a scale higher than usual.

“You’re chewing your hair-” Callie quickly drops her hair, laughing awkwardly, “-and your knee is bouncing up and down so fast it’s a blur.”

Callie lowers her voice, “Well, in case we forgot, the last time I operated on an athlete, it ended up in a double amputation _and_ a malpractice lawsuit!”

“Callie!”

Callie ignored her and is already muttering silently, “Oh god. Carajo, Callie, me cajo en la leche…Why did I even think this was a good idea?”

“Oh no, no, no. Don’t you start cursing in Spanish.” Bailey pokes Callie hard in the ribs, “You’re the ortho goddess for a _reason_! Suck it up and go be great!”

Callie flinches, “You sound like Addison with your passive-aggressive supporting.”

As soon as the cab pulls up at the hospital to the hospital, Callie sees Arizona and Meredith standing by the doors, and her knee stops bouncing and she breaks into a huge grin. Almost falling flat on her face in her rush of getting out of the cab, Meredith squeezes all the New York air out of her in a tight, _tight_ hug.

“You’re back so soon!”

Callie wheezes a little, “I had the chance, so I c-came.”

Meredith finally lets her go, and she steps up and without thinking any more of it, hugs Arizona too.

Peering over Arizona’s shoulder, she sees Meredith and Bailey smiling cheekily, sending extremely unsubtle winks her way. Annoyed that she is, she barely finds the strength in her to scowl at them. Probably due to the lack of sleep from calling Arizona so often these days, or the jet lag, or the five-hour plane ride she just got of off, because she barely even finds the strength to keep herself standing. She might just be getting a fever too, because strangely enough, her mind goes blank and heavy, and the only things she can think of are the tingling in her toes and the overwhelming _Arizona_ that seems to be everywhere.

Pulling away, it doesn’t turn out to be a fever after all, since the absurd heaviness fades away when the chilly breeze takes Arizona’s place. Weird.

“Let’s get inside now, ladies,” Bailey ushers them into the hospital, “there’s a man waiting for Dr. Torres to save his career.”

Callie gulps and follows the others into the building.

> _To keep the light on, honey, is the least that I could do,_
> 
> _If I keep running back to you._

**_PART III - ALL OUT OF LOVE_ **

**_Air Supply_ **

> _I’m lying along with my head on the phone,_
> 
> _Thinking of you ‘till it hurts,_
> 
> _I know you hurt too but what else can we do?_

The quadruple knee-ligament was thankfully not a complete tear, but still a very severe partial. Just before the surgery, two men dressed up in black suits had approached Callie and basically _threatened_ her to do the best job possible. She promised, but this whole situation, combined with her memories of Travis, it doesn’t sit well with her stomach. Callie hunches over the table, the half of her face not hidden by a mask scrunched up in concentration. _Why, oh why, did I want to come for this?_ Amelia, on the contrary, is bouncing on the balls of her feet across from her, perpetually energetic. Finishing removing the torn ligament, Callie wriggles her wrists and stretches.

“You good, Callie?”

Callie nods at Amelia, “Yeah. Just a bit tense.”

“Don’t worry. You’re doing an excellent job.”

Callie nods again, and looks up to the gallery, and tenses up anew at the sight of four men in black suits staring down at her. Meredith, Bailey and Arizona are seated on the other side of the gallery, and Callie decides to look there instead, and all three of them flashes encouraging smiles in unison. Smiling back, or rather, smiling with the squint of her eyes, the tension in her shoulders is more gone than present. Curiously another nervous fluttering in her stomach replaces it, and Arizona gives her a thumbs up. Squishing the flutter down, she goes back to replacing the tendon.

“So! Callie! How’s it been going with you and Erica?”

“Amelia. There is no me _and_ Erica.”

“If you say so…” she snickers, “At Meredith’s, she was basically screwing you by eye.”

“Amelia!” Callie glares at her.

“Okay, okay. You’re all jumpy and tense. Seriously though, you most certainly need to get some.”

Callie glares at her again. Up in the gallery, Meredith and Bailey both nudges Arizona. Meredith points to the blinking red light of the intercom and mouths something, but Arizona gives them a glare too.

Arizona exhales shakily. It’s been so long she saw Callie down in the O.R. again. It’s so uncannily _normal_. It’s unsettling, sure, but the gratifying feeling that comes after she gets over the strangeness of it all is pretty much enough to keep her seated and watching. It’s fine, she tells herself, Penny is away to god knows where, and Callie is slowly becoming her friend, and everything’s _fine_.

Pretty much fine, except that Callie looks positively sick in her nerves down in that O.R.

At nine in the evening, Callie finishes the surgery. She practically tears her scrub cap off and runs to the nearest trash can in the corridor to empty the contents of her stomach. A piece of her hair falls onto her eyes and all at once she’s overflowing with frustration or _something_ , because she just wants to pull all her hair out and scream and cry, but all that she could summon are her hands to free the hair tie that’s hanging oddly from her ponytail that doesn’t look like a ponytail anymore. Groaning, she slides down against the wall and lets her hair fall down all over the face and stay tangled. _Oh, Dios mío Callie, how did you even hold out in front all those people at the gala? That was only a surgery. Yeah, but with literal bodyguards watching!_ She groans again, and rests her head against the wall.

“Callie? Are you okay?”

Even before opening her eyes, the light queasiness comes back, and she sees Arizona standing at the end of the corridor, looking very concerned.

“Yeah, yeah…I’m fine. I was just feeling a bit nervous.” Realising how much she must look like an absolute mess; she ducks her head and pushes her hair out of her face. In a few desperate attempts to flatten the dishevelled the chaos that is her appearance, a familiar heat creeping up to her ears, “Sorry. It must be the time difference. I’m just tired.”

She can’t decode the expression on Arizona’s face. It’s one she doesn’t really recognise. But then again, she thinks to herself, there are plenty things about Arizona she doesn’t quite recognise anymore.

“You don’t look okay.”

Callie smiles tentatively, “I’m fine, really. I’m just tired.”

“Meredith and Bailey were about to ask you if you wanted to go to Joe’s to celebrate.” Arizona walks closer and slides down next to her, “But you probably need to go sleep it off.”

“I’ll just go a bit later. I need to take a shower and get the O.R. and plane smell off.” Callie pushes off the floor, and feels a hand on her wrist.

“No. Something’s obviously bothering you. We’re friends, right? You can talk about it with me.”

Her wrist feels hot and stiff, and she can feel the outline of every single one of Arizona’s fingers, every curve, every pulse reaching her arm.

“Yeah. We’re friends.”

“Then you can talk about it.”

Arizona’s fingers slip away, and leaves Callie’s wrist to its own scorching. She reluctantly sits back down, arm brushing against Arizona. The air is still and thick.

“Okay.”

Arizona flickers a glance over at Callie. Callie’s last-minute combing of her hair helped a bit, but the usually neat and slick waves were still harsh and tumbled down in unruliness. Her confidence still lingers, but ended at her eyes, only half-open, and the brown that spilled out establishes a grim protrusion to her otherwise blank face. Arizona doesn’t recognise this expression on Callie, not any more than Callie recognised the expression on her face moments ago.

She still, for most times, is Callie. But Arizona thought quietly that she doesn’t feel like the women who danced with her on their first date, who would spend hours complaining about Derek Shepherd and then manage to go out for drinks with him, who showered her when she wouldn’t do it for herself.

“Is it Travis?”

“A part of it, I guess so, yeah. The malpractice suit was some of the worst days of my life.”

“I know. I’m sorry, Calliope.” She says, and she looks back down at her scrubs.

Callie sighs, “And for the other part…I don’t even know why I’m tired. Sometimes, I just look at the ceiling when I wake up, and think that it might swallow me whole, and that I’ll let it. But then there’s days where I see a really adorable ice cream stand in the streets and I don’t know who to share it with.” She steals a peek at Arizona, and says, “But not really. It’s something like that, and something entirely different. I don’t really know how to say it, although it’s right there.”

“I get that.”

“Mm. And it feels wrong putting it into words.”

Arizona leans her head back to the wall too, “You’re going to be alright. We’re going to be alright.”

“Thanks.”

“I’m your friend. This is what friends do, right?”

Callie chuckles, “Thank you, then, for being a friend.”

Callie always felt like there’s a film separating Arizona and her, ever since they started exchanging phone calls. Like something almost invisible, but just foggy at the edges for her to know that there’s something there. It’s not uncomfortable, but it itches at the back of her mind every now and then.

“Callie. You don’t have to thank me.”

“I know.” She pauses, “I just really appreciate this. More than you know.”

Arizona turns her head to fully look at Callie this time. Even with her pallor, Arizona grins inwardly at how heavenly she looks. She drags a fingertip over the hem of her scrub top, and hesitates.

Callie turns to her too, and smiles. _Really_ smiles. The third smile Arizona had seen back when Callie was so drunk, she couldn’t remember her own name. She sags a little, and her head finds its way onto Arizona’s shoulder. It fits so neatly into the space between her jawline and her neck, and Callie subconsciously sighs. Coincidentally, Arizona’s hesitation shot out of her, and as Callie head dropped to her shoulders, she had reached for her hand, holds it tightly. 

It’s unclear whose hand sought whose, but their fingers are interlocked, and Arizona’s thumb lightly flutters over the back of Callie’s hand, tracing lines and gently rubbing circles, and all the other things bothering them just didn’t count right now. Not that either of them could remember anything else, anyway. Anything else than the subtle touch of Arizona’s hand on Callie’s is just simply irrelevant.

They stayed that way for a long, long time.

“Thank you, Arizona.”

“I told you-”

“I know.” Callie smiles, and Arizona can feel the tug of her cheeks pressing against her shoulder, and that _must_ count as one of the seven wonders of the world.

“I always said I’m an awesome friend.”

“You did. And you are.”

Arizona’s head had long found the top of Callie’s tousled hair, and neither of them wants to move, “Do you feel any better?”

“I do,” Callie says, “I really do.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahem, I’m sure, to almost everyone’s immense pleasure, that Erica won’t be around so often anymore. She’s been AWOL for the recent chapters anyway.   
> Thank you to everyone who takes the time to read this. Truly.

**_PART I - TONIGHT THE STREETS ARE OURS_ **

**_Richard Howley_ **

> _Do you know why you got feelings in your heart?_
> 
> _Don’t let fear of feeling fool you._

The night out at Joe’s had been mundane.

Not _mundane,_ no. Callie crosses that word out in her mind. Spinning a pen around her thumb, she flicks the chart in front of her. Uneventful, rather. Not a day in Seattle is _mundane._ Uneventful, yes, not much remarkable things happened last night, but mundane? Dull? Definitely not the word to describe the time in this place. The time that slithers by almost gracefully, but the feelings remain.

Being back in Joe’s Bar with Meredith and Bailey, she was glad for that company. They were two of the oldest friends she had left here. Callie had arrived after quickly showering and changing into something less of a mess, and any heavy thoughts were shaken off outside of the doors to the bar. Bailey waved her over to their table, and pushed two shots in front of her. “You have plenty of reason to celebrate,” she had said, and looked so unbelievably happy, “I really missed you, Torres.”

Callie had scoffed, but an undeniable grin sneaked its way onto her face, “I just came back a little bit ago for that gala, Bailey.”

She shrugged and said, “We have the right to miss you. Plus, we were the best class, Torres! I mean, pulling of a domino liver transplant and letting a man with club-feet walk again?” She raised her glass, “Unheard of! We were damn prodigies!”

Meredith cleared her throat, but before she could interrupt, Bailey beat her to it. “And _your_ year started sleeping with attendings right from the beginning. Then managed to stick your hand in a bomb. And cut a man’s L-Vad wire. Don’t even open your mouth, Grey.”

They had started laughing, really loudly. It wasn’t even appropriate for Bailey’s poor comment, but once they started, the laughing just continued. They saw each other’s face get red, and they laughed even harder. Even as Callie sits behind her desk, she can’t fight of the small surge of lightness that comes when she remembers what it’s like to laugh, to drink, to _be_ in Joe’s Bar.

When Arizona entered, she saw them all fighting to catch their breaths with huge grins. At least, that’s what Callie supposed. She frowns, and leans back into her chair, playing with the corner of a page. It was like the temperature in the bar dropped, or rose, or did a silly dance, because when she felt _something_ change in the air, she turned around and saw Arizona, amused, breaking into a wide grin as well. And then something, something old and strange and warm and sharp had given her a thump on the chest, and she felt… _something_.

Callie shakes her head, and lowers her gaze to the paperwork on the desk again. It’s been such a long while since she’s tried to decode those slivers of feelings that pass by. It’s a pointless activity, really. People come and go, and she doesn’t have all that much love to hand out on silver platters anymore.

She finishes writing the final words, stands up, and wrings her hands. Most people would probably say she’s better off now then when she first arrived, Callie assumes. She has a whole herd of friends, truly. Meredith, Bailey, Owen…hell, she even managed to become friends with her ex-wife! Turns out she’s a pretty decent friend too. Callie shakes her head again, chuckling to herself. Oh, how the universe screws with her sometimes.

“What are you smiling at?”

Callie looks up to see Maggie and Arizona turning around the corner. She wipes the smile off her face sheepishly.

“Not much.” She quickly says, “Nothing, really.”

Arizona gives her a suspicious narrow of her eyes, “Nothing?”

“Nothing!”

“You had your guilty-pleasure smile on.”

Callie scoffs, “I did not!” _Crap, she is going to be the death of me._

No, Callie corrects herself, she pretty much _already_ was the death of her. When they kissed in that bathroom years ago, Callie had been sure she was salvation; future; the girl she could and would do anything for. And then Arizona went ahead and knocked half the life out of her.

“Really! Nothing!”

“Hmm. Fine.”

She still gives Callie a sceptical raise of an eyebrow, but fall into step alongside Maggie. Callie joins them almost unwillingly, but she told herself she needs to get to the elevators, so why not?

“So, you guys are friends now?” Maggie says, uncertainly, “I don’t need to be extra polite and awkward and steer clear of any topic of discussion apart from surgeries?”

Callie laughs, “Yeah, we’re friends.”

Arizona laughs too, “We’re good. Besides, I’m an awesome friend. Calliope’s damn lucky to have me as a friend.”

“Even when you call me and talk until it’s two in the morning in New York?”

Arizona doesn’t miss a beat, “And you call me back at four in the morning because you saw a cute puppy on the way to get your morning coffee!”

“It was a really, _really_ cute puppy!”

“Oh, I’m sure it was,” Arizona says with a smirk.

Maggie studies them somewhat incredulously as they head to the elevators. “Wow, you guys really _are_ friendly.”

“Yup.”

“Well, good for you.” Maggie says, “I, um, gotta go check in on a valve replacement down the corridor so I’ll leave you guys here.”

“Okay!”

Callie waves, “See ya!”

Arizona jabs the ‘up’ button of the elevators and watches Maggie walking away, “Why is she so surprised we’re friends?”

“Dunno.”

“Is it weird?”

Callie shrugs, “Not for me.” Not weird at all, Callie repeats in her head. If she would admit so to herself, the beginning of a friendship with Arizona is anything _but_ weird. Natural, the conversation flows. “Not weird,” she says again.

“Okay, cool.” Arizona jabs the button again, “Because I really like being friends with you.”

“Me too. It just feels good.”

“I know right! Awesome.”

Callie laughs and high-fives the hand Arizona has outstretched in front of her face, “Awesome.”

They squeeze into the unusually crowded elevator, Callie following the small path Arizona made to the back. Callie flinches, “Whoa. It smells like sweat and people.”

Arizona giggles at Callie holding a breath and tilting backwards to avoid being smothered by a man’s hat. “Yeah, ‘cause there are _people_.”

Callie rolls her eyes and whispers, “Don’t tell me you’re not…uncomfortable.” She juts her chin out at the two men’s behinds forcing Arizona flat on the wall, and stifles another laugh as Arizona gags.

Arizona tugs on Callie’s lab coat just in time for her to move when the man’s hat suddenly tips back and another swarm of three people push in. The elevator must be on its maximum capacities now, Callie thinks, the amount of people crammed together can only be so much.

The three people aren’t very mannered, unfortunately, as they shove and shuffle around. She inhales sharply when she finds herself shoved against Arizona. “Sorry,” she mumbles, and feels Arizona reaching out a hand to steady her. “Thanks.” That hand is burning damn mark into her elbow. She wants to shake her hand off. Callie’s trying, but she’s thinks she’s catching fire and she can’t bring herself to even _want_ to put it out.

When she raises her head to tell Arizona that it’s insanely absurd how hot it’s getting in the elevator, she finds the pair of eyes staring right back at her to rob all her words right out of her mouth. _Crap_. She wouldn’t be surprised if jello had popped a visit in her skull to replace brain cells, because nothing makes sense. Nothing makes sense apart from Arizona inches from her. Nothing makes sense apart from the pair of blue eyes so close that still have the familiar flecks of indigo to the left. _Nothing_.

_Friends? What does that mean?_ Callie is racking her brains for some logic to guide her in her decision making, but Arizona is pressed into her by some woman’s massive hand bag. Time, place and reason? Only concepts that don’t quite register. Why, the sweaty bodies shoved together in the elevator don’t really exist for her, even if she feels their presence. The only bit of the world that isn’t spinning are Arizona’s eyes. They’re so close. They are _so_ , so close.

Arizona’s hand is still gripping her elbow, _hard_. Callie could swear that those eyes (God, _those eyes_. They are so clear, and they yet still possess the sinister effect a black hole could pull you into. They are being a nuisance right now.) had dipped for a mere millimetre before raising to hold the gaze again. Just a mere millimetre.

And Callie’s own rebellious gaze dips for the mere millimetre as well.

She cautiously takes the first breath she dares to take. It’s Arizona. Arizona Robbins is inches from her face. Arizona Robbins that is breathing the same air as her. It’s Arizona freakin’ Robbins, and that is reason enough for her to lean forward and accept the thick air and the sweet smell and the darkness at the bottom of her eyes.

Reason enough.

Except, when the elevator dings, it’s no longer reason enough.

The fraction of the centimetre she leaned into disappears as quick as it came, and the people pushing out carry them along.

Arizona doesn’t look very well, if Callie is being honest with herself, she’s starting to look queasy. Callie’s been feeling queasy way too much the last couple of days for her own good. A little voice at the pit of her chest squeaks that the line of friendship only goes so far.

Callie shoots back that she doesn’t know what it means. People get caught up in the sweaty moment of elevators. The elevators here always had some weird and creepy powers anyway. They were like tension dens. Man, there were far too many people in that damn elevator.

She should be the first one to break the short silence that settled when they exited the elevator doors, right? There’s no reason not to. She should just stop the whirl of sudden drunkenness behind her eyes.

_What happened?._

She chews the inside of her cheek and says, “Where you heading?”

Arizona’s expression looks like a squirrel who’s running across the street as a car obviously comes rushing. “The coffee…coffee cart, I think.”

“Oh. Cool.”

“Cool.”

“Yup.”

“Yup.”

Callie takes a deep breath and gathers whatever was wobbling inside her back together.

“So, um. I’m just going to…head over.” Arizona snaps her head to Callie. Her eyes leave their absentness and she smiles so insanely big it scares Callie a little, “I’ll see you later.”

“Yeah.” Callie scratches her nose, “See you later.”

 _Whoa_ , Callie watches Arizona walk down the corridor, _that was a hella big of a fake smile plastered on her face, huh? Maybe it’s the heat of the elevator._

//

Arizona wanders around while her mind rips through thought and thought so fast her cheeks almost forget to burn in scarlet. What was _that_?

God, it was wrong, no doubt about that. But in the sheer hot moment of it, it felt so good and so _right_. So good it leaves her dizzy. Everything, if there was even anything, that just rushed through the elevator, doesn’t even gives her time to be puzzled yet. Right now, the only thing that is swirling around inside her is Calliope-freakin’-Torres. Well, that isn’t quite the _bad_ thoughts, but she wishes they would just scram too.

She could _swear_ that Callie leaned forward. She could _swear._

And she doesn’t want to, but the whole few seconds that Callie was pressed so close to her, even with those few inches separating them, leaves something warm and flowy dancing around inside. It’s bad. _Very, very bad_. She sighs, cursing the people that squeezed in afterwards. She’s so lost in her aimless cursing that she didn’t even acknowledge Carina until she practically slammed into her.

“Carina?”

Carina smiles anxiously.

“…Hi?” Arizona looks at her blankly, waiting for answer.

“Right, uh, hello.”

Arizona just stands there blinking at her. Her mind is completely somewhere else, but listening to your ex-kind-of-girlfriend-kind-of-sex-friend talk is just basic manners, right?

“I was, uh, thinking.”

“Okay.”

“And, I was wondering if you could agree to give us a try again.”

Arizona blinks at her again.

“I-I can pick you up for dinner tomorrow night. I know you’re free then,” she says promptly.

“Carina. I already broke with you.”

“I know, I know. I think you would-”

“No. You have no clue what I would or should do.” 

“You’re right. But I would still like to take you to dinner.”

_Yes, of course you do. Everyone seems to want to, these days, except for the one girl you actually want to be with. That one particular brown-haired, wide-eyed, girl that happens to be your ex-wife._

Arizona’s jaw drops and she slaps whatever the thoughts were away. _NO!_

Carina smirks, “Arizona? You okay?” She’s smug. She thinks she’s the reason Arizona just turned bright red. _Oh_ , she can’t be more wrong.

“Y-Yeah. I just, um, was thinking.”

“Così, I’ll pick you up around eight?”

Arizona snaps back to the women in front of her, “No. I’m good, thank you.”

“Arizona-”

“No. I told you once and I’m telling you again. We were barely a thing, and whatever that was, it’s over.”

Before Carina can protest even more, a sharp squeal interrupts. Both of them spin around at once, doctor instincts taking over their personal dilemmas and rushing to the direction of the yelp.

//

After a quick consult, Callie pretty much shook off any uneasy feelings. But still only halfway down to earth, she grabs a pound cake and throws a few coins to the cashier. Ever since a time that she didn’t notice, she started buying coffee with pound cake every morning. She doesn’t even like pound cake that much. It isn’t…significantly romantic, but Mark used to tease her about it any morning Arizona and her used to arrive late, still slightly out of breath. “Been pounding cakes, you two?” he would ask.

It’s something like when she broke up with Penny and Sofia was in Seattle, she didn’t bother to cook any proper meals for herself. When she needed take-out, she would always order pizza and then eat it in her bed, staring at the wall. Or like when she had cut her hair to shoulder-length again, like the aftermath from the first time it ended badly in an airport.

She’s moved on with her life, and she knows these little things that she took up doing all had something to do with the past. They are all things that make her feel better, safer, closer to whatever she always wanted to feel closer to. They’re comfort, they’re _important._ They’re little reminders and slices of the best years of her life. They’re not something she can let go of even when she’s moved on.

Callie sits down in the lounge and contemplates the ceiling tiles.

The person you end up with often isn’t the person you love the most. The person you marry last is almost never the person you wanted to spend your life with. Callie’s settled down with that already; she knows she already had her great love and the great glory years. 

No more tugging on the endless strings of nostalgia. The strings left her fists some time ago. The wine stains on her old college t-shirt will do the job of recalling, like they say, ye good ol’ days.

She’s just fine with her life just now.

It’s just that…those few seconds in the elevator are really bothering her. They almost toppled something over inside her. It’s annoying, really.

She groans. Grabbing a pillow, she smothers her own face with it, and pushes whatever she was thinking about to the very back of her mind. She has something pretty important to tend to right now, and stupid giddiness isn’t going to get her very far.

Nobody knows that very back of her mind is actually a pretty clustered place. And someday she will find the time to flip through the stuff in there.

Just not today.

> _Do you know how to kill loneliness at last?_
> 
> _Oh, there's so much there to heal dear,_
> 
> _And make tear stains of the past._

**_PART II - MARRY ME_ **

_\- Train_

> _Now that the weight has lifted,_
> 
> _Love has surely shifted my way._

Arizona and Carina skid to a stop by the big windows of the NICU, gaping at the sight. The whole room looks as though a unicorn hurled all over the walls. There are huge bouquets of daisies and sunflowers and tulips. Bouquets and _bouquets_ of them. And chocolate. _Boxes_ of chocolate are scattered among the incubators with babies staring around cluelessly. By the doors, Callie and Meredith are practically bouncing with pride.

And right bam in the middle are Jo and Alex in a rather ferocious kiss.

Eventually, Carina and Arizona make their way to the doors, joining Callie and Meredith, even if she’s really doubting their recreational purposes of just staring at the couple making out. Jo and Alex don’t seem to be stopping anytime soon. In fact, in the direction it’s heading, it’s very rapidly becoming R-rated content.

Meredith cuts them off just before Alex’s hand can go any further. “Enough, enough, Alex, you can take Jo to an on-call room for that.” She pries their heads apart forcefully.

Alex grins at Jo, then at Meredith, and back to Jo.

“Um…why does Alex look high?” Arizona whispers to Callie, “And what in the world did he do to my NICU?”

Not letting Meredith and the couple leave her sight, she whispers back, “You’ll see.”

Meredith turns back to Alex, “Look! You even got an audience! Start behaving!”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever, I know Callie’s there.”

“No! Not only Callie! People!” Sure enough, right behind Arizona and Carina, members of the staff and patients stopped to gape at the room.

Alex looks over and his big grin doesn’t even waiver when he sees Arizona narrowing her eyes at him.

“Well, it was worth it.”

Jo’s face is adorned with a silly grin too, “It really freaking was.”

Meredith hustles the couple out of the room, grumbling and swatting the back of Alex’s head.

“So? Alex, you better have a good reason for this.”

Jo speaks up before Alex can, raising her hand in front of Arizona’s face, “Look!”

A high-pitched little gasp comes out of Arizona as she grabs Jo’s hand, “Oh my god!”

“I know!”

“It’s gorgeous!”

“It SO is!” Jo says as she wiggles her fingers and her ring sparkles.

After overcoming her initial surprise, Arizona hurtles congratulations their way while Carina looks a bit awkward in the back. Meredith sees Callie squinting at the woman. Kicking Callie in the shin, she raises an eyebrow.

Arizona’s voice interrupts their furious eye communication. “Alex Karev! And you didn’t even tell me you were going to propose when all you could do for two weeks was talk about rings instead of tiny humans?”

Alex sheepishly offers her a chuckle, “Sorry, Robbins. I was pretty sure you wouldn’t let me use the NICU if I asked.”

“Yeah, you’re right. But I _might’ve_ considered it since it’s a proposal!”

“You’re not going to kick my ass?”

Arizona shrugs, “I think I still am. But Alex Karev, married?” She giggles, “That’s like my work here is done.”

Meredith pats his back with an expression of a proud mama, “He’s come a long way from that ass hole intern.”

“He sure did,” Callie says, as proud as Meredith, “I still remember our first club-feet guy. That was awesome and-” She slams her mouth shut before she can get it the aftermath of that particular surgery. In front of his fiancée, no less.

Alex and Jo are just fine, not noticing her abrupt stop. Arizona just clenches her jaw for a moment and flickers her eyes over to Callie for a split second. _No_ , she scolds herself, _NO._

“Actually, I have something else to ask.” He says, seeing Arizona narrowing her eyes at him, “My bad, Robbins – but Mer, Callie, and Arizona, will you three give yourselves the honour of being my best men? Or best women. Whichever you prefer. Probably along with Avery, but I’ll have to check on that, later–”

He’s cut off by another fit of happy squealing and a bone-crushing group hug.

Before he can get strangled before his own wedding in the tangle of limbs, April bursts through the crowd. “Karev! Why did you order so many boxes of chocolate to the damn ER? I’ve spent half the day just – _OH MY GOD, Wilson_!” 

April’s squeal is even shriller than Arizona’s, “Karev! You finally did it!”

Alex just can’t seem to be able to wipe his silly grin off and bobs his head up and down like a little kid.

Jo takes over, seeing her guy’s inability to wipe off that grin, “April! We wanted to find you!”

“You did?”

“Yes!” She pinches Alex in the arm. He finally tears his eyes off of Jo and to April, “We wondered if you would like to help plan the wedding? I mean, it’s really fine if you don’t want to, but-”

April cuts her off right there with even shriller words of agreement. The rest of the day is filled with people cutting more people off with excited little screams when they catch sight of Jo’s ring.

//

April happily gets to work, calling caterers and contacting ministers, ordering flowers and yelling into the phone because she only wants _pink meringue buttercream_ on the wedding cake. Arizona finds herself entering the ER more often, to help April with the fuss of the wedding, since Alex wants it as soon as possible.

After Farris’s surgery, Callie decided to stay for the month to oversee the first steps in his recovery. Physical therapy, staring down the guys there that she deems “not bad ass enough to treat the freakin’ football hero”, that kind of stuff. Alex, already ridiculously giddy for the past couple days, was ecstatic that Callie’s staying longer. The wedding should be simple, he said, easy to plan, and he set the date for the end of the month.

Little does he know that April is in her office right this very moment, a week after his proposal, pulling her hair out in front of the computer screen. She’s a perfectionist. She needs even the peony petals have to be at the _exact right angle_. And that’s proving its self to be a pretty hard task when Arizona keeps trying to stealthily – and failing, because she’s way too obvious – incorporate Callie into everything she talks about.

“…Peonies are pretty. But I think carnations will attract too many bees.” Arizona says from her spot on the couch, her head hanging upside down as she plays with a pencil, “Bees are nice, but when they buzz too close to me, I always want to swat them away. And then I get too scared that they’ll sting me. Actually, you know what else is getting too close? _Callie and her damn lips_.”

April sighs. She might as well give up on arranging a bouquet and entertain Arizona being annoyed with Callie. Even when she can’t open her freaking eyes and see that she is anything but _annoyed._ “You’ve said that ever since the elevator thing the other week, Arizona. And we aren’t even sure if there was a elevator _thing_.”

“OH ho ho, there was a _thing_ alright. Really. I can swear on my donuts! She _leaned forward_ right before the doors opened!”

April snorts and mumbles, “People sure do imagine dreamy things when they’re in love,”

“What was that?”

“Nothing, nothing.”

“Maybe it wasn’t a thing. I’m just uncomfortable with her in the hospital. It feels like someone’s watching my every move.”

Arizona flicks the pencil halfheartedly. She heard April comment. She just doesn’t want to answer.

Callie is just _that person_. Having her around the hospital again, it’s sweet, sweet torture. She can’t say that she didn’t glance at Callie the moment right after she saw Jo’s ring. She can’t say that she didn’t feel her heart break a little (yet again) when she thought about the dusty ring that sits in a delicate little box under her bed. Truly, she never believed those so-called heartbreaks they talk about in movies until she was in Africa. Only then did she realise like a slap in the face that they call it _heartbreak_ because you can quite literally _feel_ your heart splintering behind your rib cage. And she wasn’t aware of the alarming pace that it can happen. That being every single time that head of brown hair bobs into view at the hospital, just perfectly out of her reach. Out of the reach of her hands that threaten to fall right off if they didn’t get to comb through those waves, out of reach of her the pricking splinters of her heart that threaten to fly right out of her chest and into Callie’s hands.

She doesn’t love that happening, but she doesn’t hate it either.

Arizona looks at April, “I mean, Callie’s not really something I can keep shut inside me, right? She’s Callie. I’m Arizona. That’s it. It’s not a secret. It’s just sort of… _there_.”

“I guess so…?”

“Yeah. I’m gonna be fine.”

April raises an eyebrow, “You really believe that?”

“I do.”

“No you don’t.”

“I do, really. It took me time, but I’m fine. I have an awesome job that pays well, a beautiful daughter, and I’m hot. Sex isn’t an issue.”

“Seriously, Arizona?” April kicks the foot of the sofa, “So you’re just going to stick to your one-night stands for the rest of your life?”

“Probably. Just to satisfy the needs, you know?”

“You haven’t even gone out since Callie came!”

Arizona scowls, “I know.”

April widens her eyes at Arizona, waiting for her to say something about it. But she doesn’t.

“You miss her?”

Arizona shakes her head furiously and scoffs, “ _No!_ ”

 _That’s a yes,_ April looks at Arizona bring a hand up to her forehead as the aftermath of the shaking hits her, _she barely even looks at me when I talk about Carina. And now she’s shaking her head so hard it’s going to fall off._

“Why the hell did you let her waltz off to _New-flippity-York_?”

Arizona sighs, “I can’t always stop her from running towards better people, right?” Arizona says, rubbing her neck, “But I just persistently feel like I’m the only one worthy enough to be hers.” She hears her own words, and groans. “No, that sounds horrible. I just…I don’t know how to explain it. I’m not meaning to be crazy possessive. I think I…” She trails off, and stares at the ceiling. After a few minutes, she says, “Miss her. Just a tiny little bit. Not a lot.”

//

“Are you seriously letting me stay at your house for more than a month?”

Meredith’s voice shouts back at Callie from the kitchen, “Of course! Stay as long as you want! It’s nice having an adult around and not talk about monster trucks and barbies everyday anyway!”

Callie walks into the kitchen and grabs another packet of instant coffee, “Thanks. Again. Arizona and I are finally getting along, and Sofia’s been bouncing between the two houses, I just don’t want to cost anymore trouble.”

“Oh please! There are already three kids here everyday, what’s one more going to do?” Meredith scrapes the remaining of the pancakes into a dish, “Besides, Zola might be even madder than me if you didn’t stay here anymore. She really loves having Sofia around so much.” She takes the food to the living room and shouts to the ceiling, “KIDS! Breakfast! Come on!” Returning to the kitchen, she wipes her hands on a towel and turns to Callie. “So. You guys are fine even after the elevator thing?”

“Mer, I told you, it wasn’t a _thing_.”

“Sure it wasn’t.”

“It wasn’t!” Callie shakes the packet violently into her mug, “Not a thing! Not anything! And – _Oh god_ , do you think Arizona thinks it was a thing?”

“Well, you said you leaned forward-”

“I said I think I was _going to_ lean forward. And I didn’t know what I was thinking! I _wasn’t_ thinking! It’s not even a thing!”

Meredith looks at her friend nervously stirring a spoon around her mug and hyper speed and smirks, “Sounds pretty much like a thing when you spent the last week and a half bringing it up in snippets.”

Callie scoffs, “I did not!”

“Did too.”

Callie sighs. She stares at her distorted reflection in the murky coffee.

“So? Arizona?”

She sighs again. Sighing seems to be her favourite activity these days, “Fine. I’m doing this speech once.” Meredith looks at her suggestively, inviting her continue. “I think you’ve gotta love someone in your life. I’m just happy she was the person I loved so much.”

“Loved?”

She holds back yet another sigh. On more sigh and she might just deflate completely. Seattle’s taking a toll that she wasn’t planning on taking. “ _Loved_. That person. I mean, the kind of person that makes you almost give no craps about happy endings, or going forth together, or belonging to each other. You don’t even ask for them to love you back. Just that you meet them in your best years, just that you existed at the same time.”

Callie raises her head to find that Meredith not having wiped off her smirk yet and her cheeks flush to pink.

“Very cute, Torres.”

“Shut up. You know what I mean.”

Meredith chuckles at a flustered Callie. She found out just a few weeks ago that New York and the past years wore down Callie’s “bad ass ortho goddess” persona quite a bit, and that it’s actually ridiculously easy to wind her up.

“I really thought you were going to say something cheesy and lovey the night you were drunk, you know?”

“I hardly remember anything from that night. I still can’t believe I thought I called you.”

Meredith feigns an offended look, “What’s so bad about that?”

Callie pretends to draw up a long list of things and Meredith rolls her eyes, “Fiiine, Torres, I get it.” She drawls, “But seriously, you didn’t say anything too dramatic to Arizona?”

“I told you! All I draw is a blank!”

“Okay, because on the occasions we got drunk together, I can vaguely recall you saying things that were pretty cute for couples, but less cute for ex-wives.”

“Yeah, but the last time we got drunk together was months before I left for New York.” Callie says, “What do I say anyway that’s so bad?”

Meredith smiles, “You were tipsy. You were ducking your head down, completely abandoning your whole bad ass thing. You were grinning like an idiot at the floor and said that Arizona didn’t even need to do anything. She stands there and you found her – and I quote – _awesome as heck_.”

Callie groans as Meredith continues. “You said the seven wonders of the world couldn’t be good enough to beat the first time you met her.” Meredith eases her teasing for a softer voice and says, “It’s sweet. You’re just the biggest softy.”

Callie glares at her, “I was drunk. And that was a long time ago. It’s absurd, anyway.”

Meredith shrugs and heads to answer the children’s shouts from the living room. “Sober people are more absurd.”

//

Not much to anyone’s surprise, April finished the wedding planning in perfect time. Farris could lightly run on the treadmill these days, and Callie is more than content with her work on the athlete. Which also means she should be leaving in less than a week. She told a slightly disappointed Alex and Meredith that her chief of surgery at New York Presbyterian was rushing her to get back and get her research started.

“Why can’t you just quit and come back to us?” Alex had whined, “Bailey would give you head of ortho in the blink of an eye!”

Callie sighed and said, “It’s not that simple.”

Alex scowled and asked, “How?”

Meredith cut in before they can get into depressing thoughts and coaxed them into being excited instead. A new thing she’s taken to doing, Callie and Alex had agreed, when she was usually the one all dark and twisty. April somehow managed to convince Jackson to let the closer-knit group of friends stay overnight in his yacht the day after the wedding. The plan is to have the wedding early in the morning, as the sun rises. Alex insisted on inviting Cristina too, making both Meredith and Callie very, very happy. Over the phone, Cristina grumbled about five-thirty in the morning being too early to have a wedding, and Alex retorted with some pretty snarky comments, and that was enough for Cristina to “start packing her bags to have everything ready when she kicks Alex’s ass”.

Sunday night, Callie’s standing with Meredith in the bathroom, trying on their new dresses. All the grooms-women (and Jackson as the one groomsman) have elegant and classy burgundy dresses. The four went out shopping last week, with Jackson fidgeting awkwardly half the time in the women’s section. Callie unconsciously swallows as she remembers the dress Arizona picked out.

“We look hot,” Callie states as she checks Meredith and her out in the mirror, “Very hot.”

“We do.” Meredith agreed. “So. You ready?”

“For what?”

“For seeing Arizona in a dress. At a wedding. And she’s hot.” _Meredith always read her mind or something, bloody hell._

Callie snickers, “Never would’ve pinned you for the lady-loving type, Mer.”

“Don’t turn the subject away!”

“Fine,” Callie shrugs, “I’m fine.” Yup, fine. And the not-so-subtle flip of her stomach is perfectly fine as well.

“So there _is_ something!” Meredith pumps her fists triumphantly.

Judging it useless to deny the flippity-flops her insides are doing right now, Callie glares at her, “There always is going to be something. But that’s all. We’re adults and we’re surgeons, we all know very well how to shut up and get on with life.”

“Come on, Callie, the whole adult thing sucks. We’re just saying we’ll probably end up marrying someone we’re not even in love with?”

 _It sounds foul_. “Sounds about right,” Callie says, “You really believe you’re going to fall _in that sort of love_ again?”

Meredith’s shoulders sink, “No, not really.” _She’s gotten on with life_ , as Callie puts it, “But Arizona is still _alive_. How can you just let that go?”

Callie stays silent for a minute, and slowly draws out her answer. “I don’t know.”

**_PART III - MARRY YOU_ **

_\- Bruno Mars_

> _Oh, it’s a beautiful night and I’m looking for something dumb to do..._

Arizona and Jackson both worked a shift the day before the wedding, and they dressed up in the lockers together. They were both forced by April to agree to come an hour earlier than necessary to oversee the last of the preparations before the wedding.

“April sounds more stressed than the bride,” Jackson grumbles as he adjusts his tie in the rear-view mirror.

Arizona giggles, “You know, it’s April. She planned the whole thing; she’s bound to be worried something will go wrong.”

“Yeah. She must be going nuts right about now.”

“Well, it’s like, in the middle of the night. It’s not barely past four o’clock. She’s probably a bit calmer-”

Before Arizona could finish her sentence, both their phone dings with an angry text from April. “Oops. I was wrong. She’s definitely going nuts.”

Flattening the folds around her dress one more time, she climbs out of the car along with Jackson. She has absolutely no idea why she so desperately wanted to look good at this wedding. And she’s got to admit, she looks pretty damn good. The off the shoulder dress plunges the perfect few inches from her collar bones and splits up her right leg to the dangerous height of her thighs.

Reaching to gather the hem of the dress that rest above her ankles, she climbs the stairs up to where April’s sitting. Or rather, fidgeting endlessly on a bench. Sure enough, the girl’s paler than usual and is _fuming_.

“Arizona! Jackson! Thank god! I told Mer and Callie and the bridesmaids to come earlier and they all insisted to ride together, and now they are all stuck somewhere on the bridge—” April looks downright terrified, “—how is there even traffic at four in the morning? HUH?”

Jackson sucks in a breath and glances towards Arizona, “Um, April. It’s okay. Just sit down and um, breathe.”

“ _Breathe_?” April glares at him, “You want me to sit down and _breathe_?”

Jackson gulps and suddenly finds the feet of the bench very interesting. “I think I’m going to, um, check out the food downstairs.”

April glares at his retreating back and mutters under her breath, “First Harriet and now this…Thank god I have Matthew to keep me sane.”

Arizona plops down next to her, “Yeah, at least you have Matthew.” _April has Matthew._

“Please tell me Meredith and Callie are arriving soon.”

“Uh, I’ll call Callie if you want.”

“Yes, _please._ ”

Nodding, Arizona takes her phone out and walks to the edge of the wooden deck. After the elevator-not-really-a-thing-but-thing, Callie and her called less. Although it was probably because they were both in Seattle and saw each other everyday, working crazy shifts.

At least, Arizona saw Callie everyday. She sees her laughing at the nurses’ station, and Arizona turns on her heels and walks the other way. Callie doesn’t look unhappy at all. And it almost brings Arizona back to more than two years ago. She used to see Callie giggling with Penny in the stairwell or sitting with her at lunch, and Arizona had felt sick. Sick to her very core. She didn’t know a person could feel so sick. She wanted to sprint to the bathroom and hurl for two hours straight, but she couldn’t move. She couldn’t, because she was confident that her insides were already scraped clean of anything useful, and she felt so empty that she was often surprised as too why she could still remain footed on the floor.

And she never would’ve imagined they could have become friends. _Friends_.

Just friends…

She dials the number and raises the phone to her ears. A big grin that has no business being there at all finds its way onto her face when she hears Callie’s grumpy morning voice mumbling a low “Arizona?” _Damn it, that grin latches itself onto faces, doesn’t it?_ “Hey, Callie. April was just complaining about how slow you all are.”

She hears Callie muffle a yawn, “We should be there in…half an hour, probably, at the most. Something went kaput with the GPS and it led us to some other church.”

“Great!”

“Mhmm. Not so great.”

Arizona laughs, Callie never was a morning person. “You’ll feel better once you’re here. April is going to wake you right up.”

Callie groans and Arizona stifles another giggle, “Arizona. It’s a little early in the morning to be that chirpy.”

“I’m naturally chirpy.”

“You really are, Jesus.”

“A little early in the morning to be commanding the gods above, isn’t it?”

The grin latches onto Arizona’s face even tighter when she hears Callie’s light giggle. It really isn’t going away anytime soon.

“Okay. I better hang up before Meredith’s eyebrows fly too high and burst the roof of the car.”

“Sheesh, what’s going on with her?”

“I don’t know, she’s being wiggling her eyebrows since you called me. You think tumours are contagious? Amelia might’ve passed it on.”

“Oh really, _Dr. Torres_? Contagious tumours?”

Callie giggles again. _It’s too early in the morning to be this giggly, Torres_. “You never know. I might make a huge medical discovery and when I win my Harper Avery, I’ll say that a certain Arizona Robbins doubted my abilities.”

“Fair enough. As long as you let me hold your hair back again while you’re throwing up for two hours straight preparing for your speech.”

“Deal.”

“Deal!”

Arizona saunters back to April, tugging the corners of her mouth down as to not look like an overly-happy psycho murderer. Unfortunately, April knows her better then she thinks.

“So. Callie making you smile like an overly-happy psycho murderer, huh?”

Arizona plays if off cool, without paying any attention at all to the flocks of butterflies shooting around in her, “I was just asking her when she’s getting here.”

“And what did she say?”

“Um.” Arizona kicks herself for not paying enough attention. _No_ , actually, she did pay _a lot_ of attention. “Half an hour, I think?”

April groans and sinks back onto the bench. “This is already turning out to be a catastrophe.”

Arizona inches over to April and pats her head awkwardly. She really should comfort her friend and stop focusing on the many tingles that erupted during that phone call. Before she can open her mouth, her phone dings with a text.

_We’re off the bridge. We should get there in ten. See you :)_

April’s head is burrowed in her hands, “A freaking catastrophe.”

“Come on, April, it’s not a catastrophe.” Arizona nudges her friend, “It’s a beautiful day that’s running late. Well, or incredibly early. But late according to you, apparently.”

April lifts her head, “Really?” Arizona nods. “Then why do you look so unbelievably gleeful when you’re trying to comfort a friend that’s very clearly panicking?”

“No reason.”

April narrows her eyes, “Don’t lie, Robbins. I planned this whole thing. I can also make this into a catastrophe the moment I decide to. You better start talking.”

It isn’t like she wasn’t going to tell April sooner or later anyways. She can’t keep her own mouth shut these days.

“You know what’s a catastrophe?” When April shakes her head, Arizona says, “Every time I get a text from Callie, _I smile_.”

“And that’s a catastrophe because…?”

Arizona scoffs, “No one, in the history of my life, has hurt me like Calliope Torres did. She left me, and then she left me again, but that time she took my daughter.”

“Well…she was hurt pretty bad too.”

“What?”

“Technically, that second time, she wasn’t leaving you. She was more _going_ to New York. With Penny.”

April looks down and flushes red, avoiding Arizona’s glare. She knows the whole thing from Arizona’s side. She saw how Arizona drank the night she met Penny. She knows how Arizona didn’t sleep for the two nights following the custody battle. But she also knows that it takes two to tango.

Okay, maybe not the best metaphor for a brutal divorce, but it’s the gist of it.

Her voice is tiny, “I hurt Matthew too. At our own wedding. And we’re in the absolute best relationship now.”

“And _I_ think it’s actually, uh, pretty beautiful.”

Arizona and April yelp and almost tumble off the bench.

A very flustered looking Richard smiles sheepishly, “Sorry, I was eavesdropping.”

“Richard!” Arizona steadies herself, “When did you get here?”

“A few minutes ago,” he gives them both another apologetic look, “And I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation.” When Arizona looks away, he says, “I hurt Catherine pretty bad too, once or twice.”

“Your point?” Arizona is still observing the tree tops intently. They are far more interesting then either Richard or April’s faces, aren’t there?

“My point… It’s not stupid. It’s not a catastrophe that Callie’s making you smile again.”

April narrows her eyes at Arizona, “No.” When Richard looks downright puzzled, she says, “She never freaking _stopped_ smiling at Callie’s texts.”

“Well, that works too. Arizona, you think Callie hurt you the most, and that might be true. But you only think that because she’s the person that mattered the most.” He pauses for a moment, searching for the right words. He knows both of these girls personally, and he loves both of them dearly. “Sort of like, when you hear nurses gossiping about an impossible heart aneurysm. You don’t really care; those things happen all the time. But if you hear the nurses saying your kid in room 712 caught a fever, you would most likely rush into that room to see how he’s doing. That’s because that’s your kid. Whether it’s because of the time you put into it, the hours you spent thinking about it, or just how much you care…your kid just matters more.”

Arizona grunts, and Richard continues, “There are plenty of girls that leave you after you screw them senseless after one night, that happens all the time. Not that I approve of your ways, Robbins, but Callie’s Callie, and she just matters more to you then the girls on trivia nights. You never seem to mind when they blow you off, and yet here you are, pouting and avoiding our eyes because April and I are _talking_ about Torres.”

Arizona glares at the both of them, “Whatever. I’m not talking about this. I don’t care.” And she stalks off to the bar and pours herself a glass of the fancy martini. Meredith insisted on margaritas (really, that girl is just all about the tequila) but Jo insisted on having martinis. And frankly, Arizona’s pretty thankful that Jo had insisted right now, because just when she finishes her first glass, a shiny black car pulls up.

April, hearing that engine from a mile away, is at Arizona’s side in a flash. “Oh, thank god, they’re finally here.”

 _They’re finally here._ Arizona drinks another martini before following the running April with her eyes, landing on the people piling out of the car. And _holy barnacles_ , _did she do a good job in drinking those two martinis._ She didn’t even notice Richard joining her by the side of the deck, leaning against the railing, until he cleared his throat. Three times.

In her defense, she had a very good reason. Or a moderately inappropriate reason. Because Callie is stepping out of the car, looking like heaven on earth. Literal heaven on earth.

There are people walking around, of course, caterers, early-rising guests, strangers, and…wow. She swears that everyone—even the birds in the trees—shut up for a few seconds when Calliope Iphegenia Torres stepped onto the ground they stand on. And she can’t blame them. Not at all.

Callie’s clad in a burgundy dress like everyone else, but somehow, the colour being on her _shines_. Arizona barely notices Cristina crawling out behind Callie, grumbling under her breath before April lets out an excited little scream. She swears she even sees Richard flicking his eyes Callie’s way before looking away, a little red in the ears.

“Yang’s here, Arizona.” Richard points with his chin.

“Yup.”

“Arizona?”

“Mhmm?”

“Are you listening to me?”

“Yup.”

Richard snickers, following her gaze.

“She came with a date you know?”

Arizona’s head snaps to him, eyes wide. “What?”

Richard chuckles smugly. “So you don’t care at all, huh?”

“Richard!” And Arizona pours herself another martini. “I can’t believe you would be one to play dirty, Webber.”

“Well, Robbins, I’ve had a good share of foul play in my days.”

Arizona rolls her eyes and somehow, they stop perfectly at the spot where Callie’s laughing at something Cristina said. _That_ dress is definitely _foul play_. Very, very foul play. Damn it.

Callie raises her head and catches Arizona’s eye. She waves and Arizona’s pretty she’s got an official idiot grin now, because that grin just keeps latching itself onto her face. And she’s helpless, she can’t stop it. Callie shares a few words with the girls next to her and she even throws a shy wink to a waiter who's now red in the ears. (Did she?) She probably did, because Cristina leans over and whispers something in her ear that makes Callie go beet red and jab Cristina in the forehead.

Oh, Arizona has a feeling this is going to be quite the wedding.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter for the wedding is coming right away tomorrow.  
> It's my birthday so you guys get this update and one following really close behind.  
> Enjoy!

_**SOMEBODY'S GONNA LOVE YOU** _

_\- THE WLDF_

> _Somebody’s gonna love you,_
> 
> _Somebody’s gonna take your broken heart and make it brand new,_

An elegant piano ballad plays in the background, awaiting the groom and the bride to show up.

If they _ever_ plan on showing to their own wedding.

Because they’ve been missing for the past two hours and April is seriously going to start snapping necks if they don’t show up soon. All of the bridesmaids and the groomsmen (and women) are on the hunt for the couple, although they’re probably having more fun then they should. They are sneaking off with bottles of champagne, taking swigs of the bottle, passing it around as they weave between the trees. All neck snapping aside, April is pretty wonderful and planning these sorts of things. She picked a gorgeous place with trees scattered on the outside, not dense enough to be a forest, but cluttered enough so that the faint light just before the sunrise peeks through the branches inappropriately, casting dancing patterns of light on everyone’s faces.

Not the only thing that is dancing inappropriately.

Arizona’s gaze is dancing closer and closer to nicking the fine line of friendship.

It’s not really her fault, honestly. That was the love of her life, who left the city for two years, and now came crashing back into her line of view, barely five feet away. So, she has the right to stare a little. Stare a little at the low-cut dropping dangerously… _low_. Stare a little at the simple straps rolling over her shoulder and down her back. Stare a little at the angles and the lines that run down the sides of Callie’s breathtaking—

“Arizona! You see something?”

Yes. Stare. Just a _little_.

“No, sorry.” She throws half an embarrassed smile Meredith’s way.

“Oh, okay. You were just staring to your left for really long. I thought you—” Meredith stops before she finishes her sentence, seeing the direction Arizona was staring to. “Never mind. Keep looking.” She winks, and turns to Cristina to grab a flask. No one has any idea how Cristina manages to hide that flask with just a skimpy dress on, but hey, _she manages._

Scowling at her own outstanding subtleness, she drags her feet (or foot) to go the other way. Sadly, as we’ve already established, the universe absolutely adores screwing with them. 

“Hey, Arizona!”

She can’t help it; her head lifts up immediately at her name being called. Because it’s Callie that’s calling her name.

“You want to go by that path and see if there’s anything at the end of the bridge?” Callie points to a little paved stone trail and grins widely.

Out of the corner of her eye, she catches April and Richard sharing a knowing look. _What do they know?_ They don’t know anything. She’s not a teenager spewing out hormones left and right, for god’s sake. She’s a kick-ass surgeon and half her specialty is about compartmentalizing her emotions. Emotions can go _suck it_.

“Sure. Let’s go.”

Feeling satisfied with April and Richard’s surprised looks, Arizona trots over to join Callie. And realises it might have been not such a superb idea after all. Because Callie’s has her big I’m-happy-and-you’re-a-great-friend smile on her face, and Arizona is sure she just forgot how to walk.

But that’s only because she has heels on for the wedding and they are all walking on roughly paved trails.

//

The path is a bit surreal, straight out of a fantasy movie. If Arizona didn’t know April better, she would’ve guesses that she booked this place to purposely let the couple sneak off and enjoy themselves.

The sky isn’t pitch black anymore, and (to April’s great dismay) slivers of light are making themselves known just enough to light the way. There’s a little river that runs over the path at one point, and a delicate hanging bridge creaks as they walk over it, calling Alex and Jo’s name every now and then.

“They’re probably off starting their honeymoon early anyway,” Arizona grumbles. “I don’t see the point in disturbing them.”

“Then we would have all woken up at four in the morning for nothing!”

“Doesn’t bother me.” Arizona shrugs, “I’m chirpy.”

Callie laughs and turns back to throw an amused expression her way, “That you are.”

“Remember the time we both got paged to the hospital at five in the morning and you had to fight me for the OR?”

Callie’s laugh turns into a groan, “You had so much energy in the morning, Arizona, and I didn’t even get two cups of coffee.”

“Not my fault you run solely on coffee.”

“Not my fault you’re such a chirpy morning person.” They chuckle. Arizona quickens her steps for a second to join Callie at the edge of the bridge.

“And that time you fell off the bed and almost knocked yourself unconscious because your pager was going off?”

“Oh god. I had to walk around with a bruise on my forehead for two weeks.”

Arizona shoves Callie’s shoulder playfully, “Which is why you should really learn how to survive without coffee.”

Callie pokes her back in the stomach, eliciting a giggle from the both of them. “You know how much I love my coffee!”

The water under the bridge runs with a small gurgling noise and it sloshes over rocks. The distinct muffled bits of conversation from their friends filter through the trees.

“Everything feels like so long ago.” Arizona says quietly, breaking the short silence.

Everything _does_ feel like so long ago. Like a whole other life she’s watching through a thick rim of glass. Or a television. A life that’s problematic, annoying, and…great. She barely remembers what it felt like before the sky fell beneath their feet. (Quite literally too, in her case.)

Callie is thinking about it too, because she just slumped a bit and her shoulder tensed. It shifted the air, and Arizona is weirdly reassured that even now, when Callie’s been gone and moved on, she can still understand Callie, probably more intimately than she would care to. They make for _great friends_.

Obviously, Callie is fazed by all the nostalgia hitting her at once too, along with the person she shared most of them with bobbing right next to her. She sighs and picks at a finger a little sadly. “Yeah. So long ago.”

“You miss it? At all?”

“All the time.”

Arizona smiles and gives Callie a squeeze on the arm. Never in a million years would Arizona-very-stubborn-Robbins admit to missing something so badly herself. She doesn’t say anymore, because she sees Callie and it’s not a question of missing “just not enough”. Because missing someone is just _never_ enough. _And they say I’m too bull-headed. I do grow and change. Just kind of too late._ Arizona huffs to herself.

Of course, she can understand Callie’s tense shoulders, and Callie can understand her plastered smile.

“You’re not going to ask me if I miss it enough?”

Arizona shakes her head, still smiling, “No.”

And her hand is still on Callie’s arm, and Callie’s shoulder is tensing again. Callie gives her a crooked smile, “Shame. I might’ve had a differ—”

Meredith and Jo’s excited screams reach all the way across the hanging bridge.

Halting her previous sentence, Callie chuckles, “I guess they found them.”

Arizona can’t care less about finding Alex and Jo right now, and she can’t help but curse everyone in existence for cutting off Callie’s sentence. “You wanted to say something?”

Callie shrugs, “Nah. It’s fine.”

She drags a secretly pissed-off Arizona across the bridge again, going to make sure April doesn’t murder anyone before the wedding.

//

Turns out, Jo and Alex were effectively, as Arizona thought, starting their honeymoon early. In a tool shed with someone presumably dead for half a century already, but still. Thankfully, April barely had time to shout at them before the wedding proceedings had to start.

The sun is very eager to rise today, so it seems. As the gentle wedding music plays in the background, Arizona walks down the aisle, several feet behind Callie, who is in turn several feet behind Meredith, who is in turn several feet behind Jackson. Which, Arizona tells herself, is _very_ important because she has to focus on the wedding proceedings instead of Callie’s back. Which is, by the way, _ludicrously exposed_ , and her already pissy mood is not helping at all.

And it has no business being shoved in her face like that.

Alex looks almost like he was waiting for a bus-load of kids arrive from Africa. He looks nervous to his very core and simultaneously _ecstatic_ to be alive. It’s sweet, seeing his eyes widen considerably as Jo walks down the aisle. They’re looking at each other like they’re the only people in the entire world, and Arizona groans inwardly at the conversation she had with Alex earlier.

_Because, if today is perfect, then somewhere down the road, you know, when things get a little rough…and someone leaves you or sues you for custody, you can always look back on that one perfect day, and it’ll remind you why you got into the whole thing in the first place._

Why can’t she learn to shut up and keep herself from spewing her own dilemmas down a soon-to-be husband’s throat?

But still.

Her little speech made her remember why _she_ got into _her_ whole thing in the first place. And it definitely has something to do with Callie’s wide grin as she watches the couple exchanging ‘I do’s. It makes Arizona just a little emotional. She sees Callie’s smile waiver for a moment (or was she imagining it?) as the couple exchanges rings.

Honestly, her heart throbs for a little too. It’s almost like it was only yesterday when they were the ones in white dresses and whispering ‘I do’s. They were so happy, once upon a time.

_Once upon a time._

The sun is thankfully gladly compliant to April’s wedding planning, and just as Alex and Jo leans in for a quick second kiss, it leaps up from behind the trees. A synchronized sigh of awe arises from the audience, earning a few chuckles from the people on the makeshift “stage”. It really is beautiful, casting its soft glow as far as it would go, and it’s shining, bouncing, sparkling on everyone’s faces, and it’s hard to think that anything horrible could _ever_ happen. It makes for one of the moments you close your eyes and still see in full HD clarity, letting you smile as you remember the snapshot.

Arizona inches a fraction closer to Callie, standing among the other groomsman and groomswomen. Callie’s hair sits in her natural waves around her face, falling onto her shoulders, and the incoming rays of sunlight only makes her look even more heavenly. Callie seems to notice the slight change of air beside her, because her head swivels around to Arizona, and when she sees Arizona giving her a tight smile, she smiles back. For the sliver of a second, they get to look at each other like they are the only people in the entire world too. For that particular sliver in time, Arizona is positive she’s going to jump out of her own skin.

Because Callie’s looking into her eyes like Arizona is the only person she ever saw and ever will see. And she feels _special_. And she’s not been held under a gaze so special since so long.

It almost _hurts_. 

It hurts to feel so _alive_.

And she decides that she has to do something about it.

The sliver of a second passes as soon as the sun starts fully rising, leaving the gentleness of the first bits of light behind. Callie turns back to grinning proudly at the newly-weds who are now embarking in a kiss slightly too passionate for the public display to so many people. All barely in a second.

It hurts.

Arizona feels her pissy mood bubbling up from her stomach again, once she escaped from Callie’s gaze and the calming hue of golden pink, who is now more of an aggressive flash of yellow.

//

Arizona leans back onto her stool and glares at Callie on the other side of the dance floor, who looks like she is having the time of her life with that waiter from before. That must be one hell of a tip or one hell of a funny waiter. She scowls, seeing red from the corners of her eyes.

“What are you being such a grumpus about?”

Arizona juts out her chin in the direction of the two laughing people, “Say that nonsense word one more time and I’ll smack you.”

April flinches, “Damn. No wonder Callie and you belong together. How does the word ‘grumpus’ set off something?”

Arizona tears her eyes away from the other side of the dance floor and glares at April. “I feel like punching someone right now.”

“Whoa whoa whoa. Calm down, lady. Weren’t you all happy and giddy just before the ceremony?”

Arizona shrugs stiffly, “Things change.”

“Some don’t.”

“Shut up.”

“Not before you tell me what has set off your murder spree.”

Between her clenched jaws, Arizona squeezes out a meek, “I’m angry.”

“Yeah, figure that one out by yourself? You know, in other news, I also discovered that water was wet just a few minutes ago.”

As much as she doesn’t want to, Arizona snorts. “Sarcastic much today, April?”

April shoots her a proud grin, “What can I say? My success in planning boosts the intelligence for sarcasm.”

“That’s kind of a weird cause and effect, isn’t it?”

“Not as much as you falling for Callie and ending up wanting to strangle every moving thing you see.”

That earns April another death glare.

“Stop glaring at me! You were the one that was banging your head on the wall and saying you fell for Callie!”

Arizona opens her mouth to retort. She’s definitely seeing red now. And she sees more red when she asks herself _why exactly_ she’s so angry. She opens her mouth to retort but nothing is good enough to justify her immense drive to punch. This unconditional anger…

This sudden wild urge to rip everything apart. To savagely stomp over the stars and to let her fingernails screech on wood. She very nearly growls. Instead, thanks to the years of surgical professionality of controlling emotions, what comes out of her throat is instead a low, strangled croak.

April jumps. “Good lord.” She stares wide-eyed at Arizona. “Did you just get possessed or something?” 

Closing her eyes, she takes a deep breath. _Deep breaths lowers blood pressure. Deep breaths increases calm. Just breathe, Arizona, and don’t ruin this very good wedding because some unbeknownst anger issues are threatening to explode._ “I…I’m fine.” She’s been saying that way too often. It barely makes any sense anymore.

“Okay. As a trauma surgeon that deals with angry patients and angry families all the time, I’m just going to very slowly take the booze out of your hands, before you smash it into anyone’s head and stay with you for two minutes while you stifle whatever murder urge you have, alright?”

Arizona manages to smirk and nod.

She closes her eyes again, and tries to calm her body down. She’s become scarily good at it too, ever since…well, ever since everything. It’s like she slips into her skull with a broom, sorts through all the little frustrations, and places the thoughts into labeled drawers. So that anger or sadness or loneliness don’t blind her, they just bother her.

She’s angry.

She’s when she sees Callie. She’s giddy when she sees Callie. She’s sad when she sees Callie. She sighs. This is just becoming an inner monologue about Callie.

No. That’s right. Callie.

Callie’s making her feel again. The friendlier, the angrier. She doesn’t want to tear open old wounds. She doesn’t want Callie to poke through her inconspicuous maturity. And she doesn’t want to let go of the finality of not beating her mind up at last whenever she closes her eyes. And she doesn’t want to let go of her control over not falling fast anymore.

Callie’s happy, Callie’s well, and that’s enough. She manages to keep errant thoughts in an errant heart and that’s enough too. And she kind of wishes no one spoke up when they saw the feelings circulating in the air, because letting herself half-pretending to be fine, is pretty much _fine_ with her.

“Callie’s like a freaking…” She opens her eyes again and looks at April, waving her hands and searches for her words, “A freaking swirl of wind. A swirl of very _arrogant_ wind, because she breezes by and stirs my every mood. _So effortlessly_. URGH.”

April looks at her with those soft pity eyes and Arizona feels even more pathetic. “You should talk to her, you know.”

“No!” Arizona snaps as soon as the suggestion leaves April.

“What? Why?”

“Because.”

“That’s not a very good reason.”

Arizona squints at April, “You know, Callie was right.” When April looks plain confused, Arizona grins and continues, “I’m going to borrow her wise words, and I’m telling you, right now, to get out of my vagina.”

April rolls her eyes. “You know what, I’m actually going to do that. A certain someone saw you staring at her earlier and is now heading over.” April gives her an exaggerated wink for good measure, earning a red tinge in Arizona’s cheeks. “Good luck!”

Shaking Callie into the back of her head, Arizona expects to come face to face with another uncomfortable conversation with Carina. Instead, she pales considerably seeing Callie herself walking over. She gulps. _Of course_ Callie caught her staring.

Callie is looking around, smiling at passing caterers, seemingly not too bothered at walking towards a very pale and clammy Arizona. Said very pale and clammy Arizona lets her eyes go rogue for a split second on Callie. If she managed to get her irritation back in line, then she might as well congratulate herself with eye-candy.

Callie certainly still has that mysterious hold over her. Every bit of Callie is great. Like it always is. _And now you’re just babbling, Arizona. Get a grip._

Callie’s flustered smile meets her as her gaze finally flickers up. Despite feeling a bit proud at Callie’s flushing face, she groans.

_Great. Just great. Now your ex-wife just caught you checking her out._

//

April places the booze on a table behind her as she catches Richard narrowing his eyes at Callie approaching Arizona.

“Wow, Richard. First the eavesdropping and now the spying?”

Richard smiles sheepishly at April, “Sorry.”

“Eh, everyone’s loves life is always a mess around here. It’s pretty spy-worthy.”

He chuckles, “I just want those two to get their heads out of their asses and get their happy endings. They deserve it.”

“They do.” April nods, “I sure as hell am this close to prying Arizona’s head out myself. Her stubbornness is even driving herself crazy!” She turns to squint at Callie’s red face too, “Although I’m not sure Callie’s head is actually stuck anywhere.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know. Arizona keeps saying her feelings are mostly unrequited. But then again, how does the saying go again?” Richard raises an eyebrow at her, and she scrunches her nose, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder, or something.”

Still arching his eyebrow, he replies, “You know the second part to that saying, Kepner?” April shakes her head.

“It’s ‘unless it makes the heart go yonder’.”

April deflates, “Oh.”

Richard chuckles again, and turns to watch the two a few feet away. “But don’t worry, I don’t think it’s unrequited.”

“You don’t?”

“Have you _seen_ Torres? I basically watched that girl grow up in my hospital. Just before you guys merged into Seattle Grace, she blasted into my office saying she’s a superstar with a scalpel. Said I would rue that day when I didn’t give the attending job.” He laughs, “She _was_ a superstar with a scalpel, still is.”

April giggles, “How come you don’t tell that part of the story more often?”

“She’s proud of looking tough and all _bad-ass_ , as she calls herself. She would hunt me down from New York.”

April cranes her neck to see if Arizona is going to open her mouth first. Richard continues, “Did you see her flush beet red when Robbins wasn’t at all subtle in checking her out?”

“Yeah.”

“People can say a whole lot of crap, Kepner, but a girl’s blush is worth more then a thousand words. And people who didn’t get a proper goodbye will always get a proper reunion.”

April smirks, looking at her former chief getting all sappy with their tragic romantic history. “Thanks for the words of wisdom, sir. I just hope we can get through to Arizona somehow.”

“It’s almost a goddamn tragedy. Practically everyone in the room sees that Robbins only has eyes for Torres ever since she got here, except for Torres. But she’ll get it, give her a little time.”

“I really hope they let themselves be happy.”

“Me too.”

//

Arizona nervously laughs as Callie stops in front of her, waiting for the anger that was so distinctly related to Callie to come rushing back.

But it never did. Something about Callie keeps the irritation at herself and the world at bay, and grabs instead a fistful of butterflies and shoves it down her throat. Those butterflies are now dancing pretty contently in her stomach.

They stand grinning at each other for a few seconds. Richard and April are staring at them like they’re idiots, but neither of them notices. They’re quite the oblivious pair.

“So why did you have that murderous look before?”

Arizona’s face goes carefully blank, “Nothing big.” She’s met with a disbelieving look. “Uh, I was just…somewhere in my own head.” She pauses for a moment, and smirks. “Why do you care?”

Callie shrugs, “We’re friends. Friends care when you look like you might just explode. And god knows I don’t really want you to explode and blow up this awesome wedding.”

“Awesome, huh?” Even with her palyful tone, Arizona can’t help but her spirits sink a bit. _Friends, of course. Callie’s notoriously good at being a loyal friend._ “Nice vocabulary. Looks like I must’ve rubbed off of you more than we realised.”

“It was just the right adjective!”

“I bet it was.”

Callie juts her bottom lip out a bit. “So you’re going to tell what set you off or do I have to guess?”

When Arizona doesn’t do anything except for sending a half-joking glare her way, she frowns. “Is it your leg? Does it hurt?”

Arizona lets her glare falter when she gets giddy again. Callie still cares, friend or not. “No.”

“Is it ‘cause you’re nursing a secret crush on Alex?”

Arizona gags on the small sip of tequila she raised to her lips in guise as a confidence boost. “Definitely not! Ew!”

“Hm. On Jo?”

“ _Calliope!_ ”

Callie giggles, handing Arizona a napkin to clean up the small splutter of tequila on her cheek. “Sorry, it’s funny when you look so insulted.” She purses her lips, looking a lot more serious, “Is it because you still have nagging feelings for someone you already ended it with?”

Arizona very nearly chokes on the tequila again, and has to focus intently on not dropping her glass for a good two seconds. “ _What?_ ”

Callie’s eyes widen. “So it _is_ that!” When Arizona just stares at her wide-eyed, and looking downright terrified, she says, “Carina’s been eyeing you all morning!” Callie glances to her left with a small scowl, “And now she’s giving me _very_ dirty looks for some reason.”

Arizona wishes nothing more than to dig a hole and live there for eternity. And maybe smack Carina on the head on her way down there, because the woman obviously took their thing a lot more seriously then she did. Questionable seriousness though, if it led her to making out with Owen Hunt in a supply closet.

Noticing Callie looking suddenly very serious, she pulls her thoughts away from Carina (fairly easily) and brings them back to the…friendly-ex-wife-crush. She almost grimaces again.

The word crush sounds so childish and useless in her head. She wants to cringe as far away from the word.

“Somebody is gonna love you Arizona,” Callie says in a no-nonsense voice, “You’re very easy to love. Which is also probably also why girls always throw themselves your way for a quick screw,” Callie winces at her own words. “…or whatever.” Bringing up that particular ‘whatever’ pricks her insides more than she wanted it to.

Arizona saw that wince too, and had to fight hard to hide her own. “How—”

“Your history isn’t much of a quiet business with Grey-Sloan being as prone to gossip as it is, Arizona.”

She notices the second small grimace that Callie tries but fails to hide, and sighs. Sleeping around is her way of…distraction, as awful as it sounds. She wants to punch herself in the head just hearing the sentence in her own mind. “I’m sorry you had to hear whatever you heard.”

Callie shrugs nonchalantly.

Arizona wants to grab her arms and shake her and tell her that it’s _okay_ to show some emotion if she cares, it’s _okay_ to say the thought leaves a foul aftertaste on her tongue, because that’s what she gets whenever she sees another guest sending obvious looks Callie’s way. Instead, Callie forms a small smile and says, “It’s fine, really.” She fixes Arizona with an intense look. “But you should go after whatever you deem makes you the happiest, Arizona. Even if it doesn’t make sense when you think about it. _Nothing_ makes much sense when you think about it too hard, anyway. So just let yourself be happy.”

Arizona slowly nods, with a unreadable look on her face, “Okay.”

Callie looks down and fiddles with her fingers, biting her lip, well aware of Arizona still peering intently at her. It makes her fidgety. She doesn’t want to meet Arizona’s eyes.

Although _that_ was immediately bailed on when Arizona takes a step closer to Callie and Callie head shoots up like a rocket.

Arizona is everywhere. Everywhere that Callie is aware of. Arizona is still looking at her with _that look_. She doesn’t even know what’s happening before she finds herself in Arizona’s arms.

Taking a deep breath, she lets herself droop into the hug. Arizona arms are around her waist, and Arizona’s head is next to her cheek, and Arizona’s breath is on her bare shoulder. She sighs into the crook of Arizona’s neck.

She’s almost sure that Arizona shuddered before she pulled back with a small smile. “Thank you, Calliope.”

Callie wiggles her fingers, still tingling from that hug that reeked of _Arizona_. “Anytime.”

April and Richard share a delighted raise of the eyebrows.

“That went surprisingly well.”

“It did.” Richard says, “Almost too well.”

“I think fate or destiny or whatever is finally leaning their way.”

“I sure hope so.”

“Me too,” April says with a small sigh, “It’s almost as if _—_ ” Her eyes widen considerably and she gulps. “ _Oh no_.”

“What’s wrong?” Richard looks back to the two girls, and sees instead Callie deep in a conversation with Meredith and Cristina.

“Where’s _—_ ” He finds Arizona before he finishes his sentence.

She’s smiling a very tight smile to Carina beside the buffet, who is looking way too pleased for the potential possibility he and April hoped for in Callie and Arizona getting back together. _Way too pleased_. Carina passes an arm around Arizona’s shoulder and he sees Arizona stiffen for a second.

April whips her head back to the trio laughing at something Cristina said. She only sees Callie sparing a quick glance in Arizona’s direction before she raises her own martini and finishing it in one go, and reaching for another. “Oh _no_.”

Richard sighs next to her, “I think we just overestimated those two and underestimated the screwed-up logic of the universe.”

//

The guests scatter as the wedding ceremony comes to its end around ten in the morning. The celebrations were to continue, as April said over a bright pink megaphone, tonight on Jackson’s yacht.

Beside the shiny black car, Meredith flicks Callie on the forehead. “What do you _mean_ she’s going on another _date_ with _Carina_?” She stares at Callie, although waiting for her to sprout antlers. “ _Carina?!_ ”

“Yes, Mer, _Carina_.” She swats Mer away, scowling, “Arizona decided that she would give her another chan— _OW_.” Meredith gives her another flick on the forehead. “Why are you so mad?”

“Why aren’t _you_ mad?!”

Rubbing her forehead, Callie says, “Because I was the one who kind of gave her the idea—OW!” She gives Meredith a death glare as she lands another punch on Callie’s shoulder.

“ _Why_ would you- _How did you_ -” Meredith grunts in frustration as she flaps her hands around Callie face, trying in vain to prove her point. Finally, she takes a deep breath and opens her eyes. “You are an _idiot_.”

“I was being a good friend!”

“A good friend?” Meredith looks like she’s going to blow up in Callie’s face, “And how is sticking Arizona back with Carina being _a good friend_?”

“First of all, I didn’t _stick_ Arizona anywhere. Second, I just told her that somebody’s gonna love her, because she was looking kinda sad so gave her some very wise life advice…thingies.”

“Well, it couldn’t have been _that_ wise since it ended up with her and Carina!” Meredith lets out an exasperated sigh. “You’re both idiots.”

Callie scowls again, “Leave Arizona alone.” Meredith turns back to her and gives her the what-you-just-said-isn’t-really-for-just-friends look. “I’m sticking up for her only because apparently _you_ have a huge problem with Arizona going after Carina. We're friends.” Callie checks her watch, “Anyway, I should head over to Joe’s. Arizona said she’d meet me there after her date to vent about it or something.” Pausing for a moment to peer at Meredith’s still skeptical expression, she adds, “ _As friends_.”

After a moment, it seems that Meredith let it go, because she says with a shrug, “Go on then. Good luck. with Cristina and I will come get you to pick you up on the way to the yacht. Have fun doing…whatever you’re doing.” She pats Callie on the shoulder and says with a not-so-subtle wink, “Or _whomever_ you’re doing.”

Callie rolls her eyes. These people will need more drama headed their way if there’s any chance of them leaving her and Arizona alone for two seconds without any inappropriate teasing.

//

Plopping down on a stool, Callie waves the bartender over and asks for a beer.

If she’s honest with herself, she told Arizona all of that at the wedding because she really wants her to be happy too. If Carina makes Arizona happy, even when she cheated, then so be it. Whatever happens, happens.

That little trip in her heart whenever she thinks about it doesn’t matter. At all.

If she can’t let it go, she can still live with it. As long as everyone’s safe and happy, the rest doesn’t matter so much anymore.

Callie sighs and leans her head back, closing her eyes, and takes a swig of beer. She’s tired of existing right now.

“Waiting for someone?”

Callie jerks up. She sloshes her beer onto the counter and a string of curses in Spanish flies out of her mouth. “ _Jesus_.” She turns around to see Arizona grinning widely. “Oh my god. _Arizona_. That was not nice.”

Arizona shrugs and takes the stool right next to her and waves for the same beer, “You scare so easy. I’d be an idiot to not take my chance when it was right there in front of me.”

Callie rolls her eyes, “You’re evil.”

“No I’m not,” Arizona gives her that killer dimpled smile that she knows gets Callie every time, “I’m awesome.”

Rolling her eyes again, Callie cleans the puddle of beer with a napkin. “So how was the date?”

Arizona’s smile falters a bit, but she pulls it right back up. If Callie didn’t know her so well, she wouldn’t have noticed anything. “You wanna hear me talk about my date?”

“Yeah, sure. You said you would need to talk about it with someone.” _Because that’s what good friends do_. “I’m someone.” Callie flashes her own smile at Arizona convincingly. Listening to Arizona talk about her date is still listening to Arizona _talk_.

Arizona perks up and leans in closer, launching into a detailed description of the lunch she shared with Carina in the small restaurant just down the street. She rattles on and on about the side salads, the wine, and the mango ice-cream the restaurant had for dessert. She’d be lying if she didn’t purposely gauge for Callie’s reaction in some parts—she can’t help it. It’s instinct. Callie, however, remains excellently neutral, nodding and urging Arizona to go on. She’s gotten so much better at hiding her emotions since the last time Arizona saw her, and it makes Arizona a bit sad. One of the things that always marvelled her was that Callie, with all of the crappy partners she had the misfortune of running across, was still not afraid to let every flicker of her mood shine outwards, unlike most adults who had long ago hid them with sleeping around or a hard personality.

It makes her sad to know that Callie finally learned how to keep them inside. It’s like another part of Callie succumbed to the harsh reality of things.

After a good half hour, she reluctantly finishes her story off, “So, what do you think?”

To her surprise, Callie smiles up at her from behind the rim of her glass of beer, “Carina’s pretty.”

Blinking, Arizona answers, “Yeah…she is.”

“Don’t worry, I’m not going to steal your girl.” _Your girl._ Arizona shivers at the words. “It’s getting serious this time, right?”

“Hm?”

Callie wiggles a finger, “You were taking it slow.” When Arizona still looks at her, clueless, she says, “You said you asked for red wine, even when you and I both know you like white. So I’m supposing you ordered it for her. You also ordered an entrée, but I know you normally skip that because you think it’s useless and order two desserts instead. And the biggest thing, you didn’t take her on the door of a bathroom stall without learning her name first.” Callie is still smiling softly at her. Almost _proudly_.

Arizona chuckles nervously. She stretched the story of the lunch out just a _little bit_ longer then the reality, but no way in hell was she going to admit that. And even less was she admitting _why_ she wanted to stretch the story out.

She _did_ have two desserts, and Carina teased her about it. She only knew what the entrée was because of the small blackboard with the menu of the day that was leaning against the wall behind Carina while she was intent on avoiding her intense gaze during half of the meal.

She mumbles, “Yeah, I guess.”

“Mm.” Callie nods and smiles wider, “Good for you guys.”

Arizona grunts and scowls. Callie’s wishing Carina and her well. Still as morbid as the first time.

“Hey, what’s wrong?”

Arizona forces a bright smile, “Nothing! Everything’s super!”

Callie raises both her eyebrows in defiance. “ _Super_?” She cranes her head to catch Arizona’s eyes.

Arizona shuts her eyes in response, because the words will surely all tumble out if she lets herself look into those damn eyes. “I’m just…a bit afraid to mess up.”

She feels a warm hand on her elbow, and instantly relaxes a bit. Tentatively, she opens her eyes and meets Callie’s gentle scrutiny. She gulps. Maybe she shouldn’t have opened them after all.

 _But then again,_ _what does she have to lose, right?_

“It’s like…when I see yo- _her_ , my heart breaks a little.”

Callie nods, and her hand recoils awkwardly to wrap around her beer. Inwardly disappointed at the lost of comfort, Arizona continues, “And it breaks my heart because when she’s smiling so happily, half the time, I’m no longer there. And I wish that I could be selfless enough to say that as long as she’s happy, _I’m_ happy. But I can’t, _I can’t_. I mean, of course I want y-her to be happy, but I can’t help but wish that I’m still there to see it.”

“Yeah?”

Arizona nods at Callie’s surprised expression. “Yeah.” She wonders if Callie’s surprised because she caught the underlying slips of words or because she really thinks she’s talking about Carina. “What am I going to do?”

Turns out, as Callie concentrates on swirling her beer and thinking about what Arizona said, it’s the latter. Incredibly relieved, but concurrently wanting to throw a brick in Callie’s face, Arizona hears Callie clearing her throat. “Well.” She raises her head from her beer and looks solemnly at Arizona. “First, don’t run. Don’t run when you’re tired. The way you talk about Carina, sounds like she’s pretty special. So when she tells you she loves you, you’ve gotta tell her you love her too.”

Arizona opens her mouth to interrupt, but Callie pursues her advice. _Her ill-directed advice_.

 _Morbid,_ Arizona thinks again.

“You’ve got to love her, Arizona, even when crap happens. Remember how you feel right now, and remember to choose her again and again, because you got into everything in the first place not because of whatever crap the world always chucks your way—but because of _her_.” Callie sighs. “Just…” For the first time today, Arizona sees her confidence slip and under all that, Callie just looks plain tired. “Be happy.”

So many things are threatening to shoot out of Arizona. She might be exploding.

Any second now.

Any second now she is going to completely lose it and do something outstandingly stupid. Like reach over and tell Callie the truth.

Or something worse.

Callie’s voice pulls her out of her own head, “Okay?”

Arizona blinks, refocusing her vision on Callie’s face. “Okay,” she croaks.

“Cool. Nice. _Awesome_.” Callie chuckles nervously, suddenly aware of herself, hip deep in Arizona’s relationship. _Is it even a relationship?_ “I’m just going to um, go the bathroom. I’ll be back in a jiffy.”

Callie gives Arizona another nervous chuckles before sliding off the stool and rushing into the bathroom. _In a jiffy? What are you, 80 years old?_ She groans and leans over the sink, splashing water onto her face. _Great job, Callie. Great flipping job_.

This bathroom, god, why does she always think the best place the gather herself is in Joe’s bathroom? The ironic situation laughs blatantly in her face. The twists in time is just swimming everywhere, in her mouth, picking at her ears, climbing in her eyes— _everywhere_.

_Sometimes people feel better just after she walks in the room, because she has got this super magic smile and when she smiles at you, everything gets better._

Everything from the past seems to pile up in the dirty bathroom stalls and spill over her head. She hates it. It’s swirling around in words she already heard and doesn’t want to hear again.

_We have a beautiful life. We have a beautiful daughter. That can be enough, right?_

When she blinks her eyes open again and stares at herself hard in the small mirror over the sink, she chuckles dryly again.

The irony is just plain cruel at this point.

“You okay, Callie?”

Callie turns around and passes a hand through her hair “I’m good, thanks.” Leaning back into the sink, she crosses her arms and studies her shoes.

Arizona frowns and steps closer ducking her head to catch Callie’s gaze, “You were in here for a really long time.”

“Um, yeah. Taking care of the business…in here.” Callie snaps her head up, “No! I mean, just, uh,” She gives herself a hard pinch on the arm for her own fumbling, “doing things people do in bathrooms. Yeah. Ahem. Just…took me a while. Nothing bad.”

“Okay then.” Arizona looks purely amused when Callie finds the courage to meet her eyes. “You just looked really upset.”

“No, no, I’m fine, really.” Callie swallows. Those freaking eyes see right through her.

Arizona inches closer to Callie, narrowing her eyes. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Huh.” Arizona glances down at her watch and swats Callie’s arm, “Come on, there’s still five hours before the yacht party and we both look like we need some cheering up.”

Taking Arizona’s outstretched hand, Callie takes two steps and stops. “Wait, what are _you_ upset about? I thought your date went great.”

“I might’ve just told Carina it’s officially over while you were in the bathroom.”

“You _what_?” Callie pulls on Arizona’s hand and makes Arizona turn towards her. Only then does she quickly drop Arizona’s hand realising their position. Her face goes slightly pink.

Arizona grins sheepishly, “You were talking about loving her and all the right stuff, and I just didn’t see that happening. With her, at least.” Callie is still avoiding looking straight into her eyes. “And I feel kind of guilty because I don’t feel that bad for breaking…whatever it was up with her.”

Callie returns from her eye-avoidance and gives her a soft smile, “I get it, it’s okay.” She pats Arizona gently on the shoulder and gives her a light squeeze. “Let’s go cheer ourselves up.”


	12. Chapter 12

_**SWIMMING IN THE MOONLIGHT** _

_**\- Bad Suns** _

“Come on!” Callie bats her eyelashes at Arizona and whines, “Pretty please?”

Arizona bites the inside of her cheek to keep herself from splitting her face in a grin. _Callie with her freaking whiney voice and big eyes._

“Please, Arizona, it’ll be fun!”

Arizona raises an eyebrow achingly slowly, and feigns thinking about it, crossing her arms. The slow tap-tap of her finger is just driving Callie crazy, who is practically _vibrating_ in front of Arizona. “What do I get in return?”

“You get to…pick the songs?” Callie gives Arizona another big, toothy grin.

“Fine.” Callie pumps her fists in the air with a whoop and Arizona really can’t keep back the smile spreading this time. “But you owe me a favor. _And_ I get to pick the songs.”

Callie narrows her eyes and purses her lips. “Fine. Deal. But you have to sing with me.”

“What? No—”

Callie’s already dragging Arizona towards the karaoke bar before she can finish protesting. “Nope! A deal’s a deal.”

Arizona grumbles behind her, but lets herself be dragged by Callie, secretly enjoying it.

Giggling, Callie pulls Arizona into one of those dingy karaoke rooms, and plops down on the shabby couch with a contented little sigh. She pats the cushion next to her, batting her eyelashes at Arizona again, knowing she can’t resist.

“Seriously, Calliope? This is your idea of fun?”

Callie shrugs and says, “It _is_ fun! You’ll get to pick the next place anyway.”

Arizona gives a disapproving look, but sits down next to her anyway. “We’re going to the mall after this.”

“The mall? Come on, Arizona! The mall is boring!”

“Hey, hey, hey!” Arizona holds up a finger, “You said I could choose. No complaining or I’ll decide to cash in that favor extra early and make it something like listening to Karev gush about all his post-wedding activities instead of me.”

“Okay. But I’ll probably be listening to Karev going on about that either way.”

“True.”

After a fairly intense back and forth about the pros and cons of the mall ice-cream compared to the ice-cream from the café down the street, Callie finally backs down and lets a triumphant Arizona flick through the big screen and to choose a song. 

Peering over her iced tea, Callie realises something.

Something she’d should have realised long ago, actually.

That trip that her heartbeat made? It really isn’t one that should be happening for _just friends_.

But then again, Arizona and her had never been _just friends_.

That shouldn’t mean that they can’t act like perfectly good _just friends_.

If only she can stop the perpetually delighted smile on her face since this morning when she saw Arizona, she’d be golden.

“What are you smiling about?”

Callie drops her eyes back to her iced tea immediately, thanking the gods above for the dimmed lights in this room hiding her bright red ears. “Nothing.”

Arizona felt Callie’s stare on her for a minute already, but just didn’t have the heart to turn around and break it. It felt _good_.

And it also felt like dancing closer and closer to the line that separates friendship with something else entirely.

Which isn’t great.

But apart from that, everything’s pretty great. She has an afternoon to spend being ‘cheered up’ with Callie, and they’re teasing each other in a karaoke bar. Everything’s as great as it can _get_.

“You know, for a famous ortho surgeon who constantly proclaims that she’s extremely badass, you are surprisingly cute.” Arizona grins when Callie purses her lips tightly to hide that goofy grin that she knows is bound to come out. “Drinking iced tea and making puppy dog eyes me to escort you to sing in a scrappy little bar? Sweet. Something someone you say as perky as me would do.”

Callie’s lips are nearing white from being pursed tightly. But Arizona doesn’t miss the pink tinge on her ears, and smirks. Some inexplicable warmth surges from her fingers and her toes when she knows that Callie’s still like that after all this time.

From the moment Callie opens her mouth to retort, she breaks into what seems like the millionth wide grin today, and she struggles to keep her voice low and serious. “Shut up. Iced tea is good when we’re not around our nosy friends who are always banging on tequila.”

“Banging on tequila?” Arizona’s smirk only grows bigger, “Are you twenty-two, Calliope?”

Callie tries to form a pout, who looks like a weird grimace more then anything, as she fights with her grin and it makes Arizona chuckle. She finally gives up and says, “Fine. I’m a humongous wuss and I like tea as much as alcohol, alright?”

“That’s the spirit!” Arizona flashes Callie a grin of her own and chooses a song before throwing the mic to Callie.

“Really, Arizona?”

“Really. Now go sing ‘It’s Only Natural’.”

Callie shoots her a mock glare, but still stands and holds up the mic. Arizona’s taste in songs hardly changed in the last three years. Despite the many times Callie complained that her voice really doesn’t comply with the song, and that she’d really do much better with singing Adele, Arizona still insists on Crowded House.

Arizona sits back on the scanty couch almost dreamily, one arm thrown over the back of the couch and one leg propped up on the rickety coffee table. Without thinking much about it, she reaches over and takes a sip from Callie’s glass.

“Okay, that tea is actually pretty good.”

Callie rolls her eyes while she’s singing and shakes her head, “ _It’s natural that I should want to be there with you_ —I told you so, Arizona! — _It’s only natural that you should feel the same way too…_ ”

Arizona bites her lip as Callie’s nears the end of the song. Callie’s has an incredible voice, that’s no secret. It gives _anyone_ those little shivers. Anyone that has been to her OR can occasionally hear her singing along to the music she blasts in there. And friends share drinks all the time, right? She shouldn’t feel so jittery _, right_?

With a flourish, Callie finishes off the song, and Arizona gives a few over-dramatic cheers loudly and Callie curtseys, holding up the imaginary corners of a dress.

Callie giggles and flops down on the couch beside Arizona, and grabs her drink right before Arizona reaches it.

Arizona scrunches her nose and throws her a dirty look. When she sticks out her tongue in response, Arizona begins to tickle Callie. The drink sloshes dangerously as Callie yelps. Panting barely perceptible words, she somehow squirms farther and closer at the same time, making vain attempts to tickle Arizona back.

“Ar-Arizona!”

Arizona smiles sweetly and stops her hands for a moment, giving Callie an innocent bat of her eyelashes. “Yes?”

“Y-You don’t even l-like i-iced tea!” She catches a breath, “Y-You can j-just order y-your o-own.”

Arizona pokes at Callie’s sides one last time. “It tastes better when I steal it from you.”

She groans and rolls her head back. “You suck.”

Arizona chokes a very inappropriate come-back down her throat. 

This…joy that creeped onto Callie while she drained the tea as she peered tauntingly at Arizona was so unexpected.

Unexpected like the last step you forget was there walking down the stairs and you almost get a heart attack not from missing it but from finally finding your footing after the split second of falling into the endless abyss of the carpet beneath the banisters. In this dingy room, there’s only the two of them, that glass of iced-tea, and a few songs. No responsibilities or junky plane crashes.

“Truce.” Arizona sticks her hand out in guise for an agreement, raising an eyebrow at Callie playfully.

Callie takes Arizona hand.

They shake that unnecessary handshake.

The eye contact is just a little too intense to not be dipping a toe over that friendship line. Callie lowers her hand first, and Arizona sees her throat bob lightly as she swallows.

“Come on, Arizona. Singing time.” Callie says as she pulls Arizona up from her half-way comfortable spot on the lumpy cushion.

“Or…you can just sing another, like, forty songs and forget I exist at all?” Arizona suggests as she starts to sit down again, only to be stopped by Callie.

“We had a deal, Robbins. And you almost just tickled me to death. I deserve the small reward of singing with you.” Callie whips out a second mic and bends down, offering the mic up with her hand while in the very exaggerated position of a butler with back-pain, “Milady.”

Arizona swats her lightly on the top of her head, but takes the mic anyway. “Only because that offering was kind of hot.”

“Oh, I’m _always_ hot.” Callie says as she flicks through a few songs on the screen. “Here. ‘Universe & U’.” Arizona gives Callie a part-grunt-part-groan in response, and Callie starts the song with a huge smile directed her way.

Halfway into the song, and it isn’t going as bad as Arizona thought it would, and she even surprised herself quite a bit with how she didn’t run ten miles away from the right notes. She’s actually enjoying it.

She turns around as she belts out the climax of the song. “ _I can feel everything you do; hear everything you say…_ ”

Callie turns around too, facing her with that huge damn smile, swaying slightly to the rhythm of the words, “ _…even when you’re miles away,_ ” She reaches over and spins Arizona around, laughing, and they sing the last words together, marginally out of breath, “ _‘cause I am me, the universe and you…_ ”

As the outro music come, they catch their breaths, looking at each other with those stupid big grins. Standing here with Callie, it feels righter than anything has been right in a long time. This friendship, even if that’s all that it is and all that it will ever be, it’s good.

It’s _right_.

And it’s _easy_ , and it’s _happy_ , and it’s a lot of things she simply cannot find in someone— _in anyone_ —else. And she’s okay with it being platonic as long as she gets to be _someone_ to Callie.

“You see? That wasn’t so bad.” Callie says as she cocks her head. “Now, order me up on an Adele song.”

After hesitating between ‘Don’t You Remember’ and ‘I’ll Be Waiting’, Arizona leans back on the couch again as Callie starts humming the melody to ‘I’ll Be Waiting’ because she said it’s sounds happier and they needed cheering up anyway. _Add ‘listening to Callie sing’ as the…now nineth wonder of the world right after ‘Callie smiling into my shoulder’._ She can’t even suppress the contentment she gets just from watching Callie enjoying herself. _God, Arizona, you’re pathetic._

“ _Hold me closer, just one more time. Say you love me in your last goodbye…_ ”

And she knows in great certainty right then that she really did make the good choice in giving Callie the last thing she could’ve done for her with those plane tickets.

“ _…but we had time against us, miles between us, the heavens cried, I know I left you speechless. But now the sky cleared and its blue and I see my future in you…_ ”

//

Tugging on Callie’s sleeve behind her, Arizona squeezes through a couple of pasty teenage boys and into the rickety super market of the mall. She grabs a shopping basket and immediately snags a bag of chips. Seeing the incredulous look that Callie gives her, she says matter-of-factly, “My supply is running low.”

“Your _supply_?”

Arizona nods and throws in a batch of twizzlers. “My supply of junk food.” When Callie is still just staring at her, she adds, “I hide them from Sof, don’t worry. It’s only for when I get home from a late shift and I really, really need sugar. I keep it behind a frying pan in the cupboard that’s always jammed in the kitchen.”

Callie blinks. “That’s actually a good idea.” She scurries into the aisle behind them and comes back out with three strips of lollipops, dumping them into the basket. Arizona regards her with an eyebrow raised.

“Since when do you have a sweet tooth too?”

“Not a sweet tooth like you. Just lollipops.”

“Lollipops?”

“Yup. Lollipops.” Callie repeats what Meredith told her weeks ago as nonchalantly as possible, “The day gets bitter, it’s good to have something sweet in arms’ reach. And they’re easy to keep in pockets of your lab coat.” She tugs at her earlobe, avoiding Arizona’s eyes.

Arizona squints at Callie with a smirk. She’s looking more and more like a bunny rabbit rather then that tough surgeon she is in the OR. No wonder Callie and Alex hit it off so well, they’re basically the same puddle of soft goo inside all their hardcore-ing. _Hit it off a little too well in the beginning_ , Arizona grimaces.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

Arizona grins cheekily, “No reason.”

Callie narrows her eyes. She knows that look. But she’s not sure she wants to know who or why Arizona has that look, so she doesn’t push it further.

Wandering to the back of the shop, they come across the seafood section. The tiny aquariums of lobsters and crabs and fish give off that salty slimy smell, and as they always used to do, they saunter up to the glass panes caging the animals and crowd around a pod of lobsters.

Two of the big ones seem to be hitting each other on the head in slow motion. It’s hilariously wild.

“This one’s going to win,” Callie says as she points to the one closest to her, who’s raising his claw again. “He’s a big boy.”

Arizona judges Callie’s lobster before leaning closer to the pane and tapping it next to the other one. “I think this boy is going to make a comeback.”

“Nah. My boy’s strong.”

Arizona tilts her head to see Callie next to the aquarium, perched in the same position as her. “Wanna make a bet? First lobster to be backed into a corner loses.” She gives Callie her best smile, knowing Callie can’t resist it anymore than she can resist Callie’s whiny voice and puppy dog eyes.

At least, she _hopes_ that much hasn’t changed.

“Loser buys ice-cream?”

Arizona titters, secretly out-of-her-mind happy Callie agreed. “Which will be you, because I don’t lose.”

“We’ll see about that,” Callie says as she juts out her chin, “game on, Robbins.”

Ten minutes later, they’re both still whispering encouragements with their noses pressed into the glass, staring at the oblivious lobsters, still waving their claws in slow motion, occasionally pushing the other one back a few inches.

Callie had christened her lobster Hercules, and holding her ground, Arizona started calling hers Crash. Both are tapping furiously on the glass, hoping it would somehow egg the two inside on.

“Come on, come on, _come on_!” Callie mumbles as she fixes Hercules furiously, trying to make him move just a little bit faster by sheer will. “Come on, dude! You’re so much better than this!”

It’s intense.

Really intense.

If you photoshopped the background filled with price tags and salmon out, you would think the girls were staring at a life or death menace.

Arizona’s hands are balled into fists by her sides, also murmuring under her breath. “Yes. Go. Go! _More_!” Unfortunately, Crash backs off at the last minute and she groans. “Damn it!”

On the other hand, Callie lets out a sigh of relief.

Which is almost instantly halted by Crash crawling closer to Hercules again. Callie stiffens again, swearing.

Arizona, recovering from her short loss, perks up. “Oh, oh, oh, Crash. You got thi—” She cuts her self short and whoops when Hercules’ back finally hits the glass of the corner of the aquarium. “HA!”

Callie scowls.

Ignoring the few annoyed looks she just attracted from the workers, Arizona throws her arm over Callie’s shoulders and pulls her to the cashier. “Now…I believe I had a promise for ice-cream?”

Callie groans and grunts, letting herself getting dragged by Arizona.

//

Arizona hums in pleasure as she licks her spoon clean. Callie looks up from her ice-cream when she hears the swoosh of Arizona throwing her balled-up napkin into the trash. Her eyes widen considerably.

“We just got the ice-cream a minute ago!”

Arizona nods.

“And you’re already finished?!”

Arizona nods again, with a smug smirk.

“ _How?!_ ”

She laughs, “It’s ice-cream! You have to finish it quickly!” Callie’s eyes go even bigger, and gestures vigorously to her little cup still filled with vanilla ice-cream. Arizona laughs again and says, “Yes, but unlike you, I inhale sugar like oxygen.” She bows her head, peeking over at the counter. “And I think I’ll go get another one.”

Callie shakes her head amusedly, “Fine, just go ahead and use all of my savings on strawberry ice-cream. But don’t come complaining to me when those two ice-creams come out again after you drink too much on the yacht.”

“I’m more responsible than that!”

Callie gives her a suspicious ‘hmm’ in response.

Rolling her eyes, Arizona pushes her self up and heads to the counter again. She orders the same, but in extra-large. Why not take advantage of free ice-cream, right?

The waiting for the ice-cream is unnaturally long.

Or is it just her?

Because she wants to turn around and let herself wear that stupid grin again and let herself stare at Callie without her knowing.

But friends don’t do that, do they?

Arizona takes a deep breath. _In through the nose and out through the mouth. Focus on breathing. Just breathe, it’ll help._

It didn’t help at all.

Arizona scowls. She’s usually very good at…not feeling.

Just a minute. Just a minute, and she’ll turn her back on Callie and get her ice-cream and go back to being friends. Friends who are on what scarily seems awfully lot like a date, but whatever.

Just one minute.

She raises her head and finally lets herself stare in peace.

It’s crazy how her eyes still have an ingrained reflex to find Callie in the middle of a crowd.

Like how her autocorrect still remembered to correct random words to ‘Calliope’ that time she texted Carina.

Or how on rare occasions at Joe’s, she still gets hit with a smell of lemon and sugar and wind and she would still think she could turn around and still find Callie right there.

And each time these cruel tricks get to her, she feels that sinking pang in the stomach because they all bring back on how _Callie wasn’t there anymore_.

But right now, she’s _here_.

Arizona can stay here looking at her until the end of freaking time and never get tired.

She’s here and she’s so beautiful sitting there in a leather jacket and plain jeans and prodding her ice-cream like it’s some danger to humankind. She’s so absolutely _lovely_ when she pokes her spoon around absentmindedly with the afternoon light in her hair. And the corners of her eyes, and the flutter of her eyelashes, and the curve of her smile…

“Miss?” Arizona jumps. The cashier blinks at her uncertainly. “Um…here’s your order. Would you like to pay debit or credit?”

Arizona takes another deep breath.

Her minute’s up. It’s back to being friends.

How the heck can she willingly be friends if one look at Callie makes her want to be hers all over again?

“I’ll pay in cash, thanks.”

She sits back down beside Callie, holding her extra-large cup filled to the brim with strawberry ice-cream.

“Wow, I guess there’s no need to tell you to go easy, is there?”

Arizona laughs, “Nope. I’m going to finish this in five minutes at the most.”

Callie laughs too, stealthily leaning in a tiny bit.

Taking her chance, she reaches out and scoops a spoonful of Arizona’s ice-cream and stuffs it into her own mouth.

“And— _Hey!_ ” Arizona glares at Callie, “ _My_ ice-cream!”

Callie giggles through her mouthful at the outraged look on Arizona’s face, knowing full well that Arizona’s protectiveness not only spreads over Sofia and…well, what used to be her, but also her food.

Arizona doesn’t share food.

But apparently Callie knew wrong because Arizona gives her own small giggle just a second later and says, “You’ve got some on your nose.” She leans over, brushing over Callie’s face and wiping the ice-cream off. Callie freezes.

Those nerves jiggling around in her throat are definitely crossing that friendship line.

After some bickering and heated matches of twisting-myself-around-because-you-keep-stealing-my-damn-ice-cream, they stumble out of the mall doors, giggling like two schoolgirls.

Making their way into the parking lot, Arizona glances back at Callie, really not wanting the day to end. 

“Where do you want to go now?”

Arizona checks her watch, “We could take a walk around the streets a few blocks down— _crap_. Or not. It’s eight already.”

“Already?” Callie checks her watch too, not believing the time flew by so quickly. Indeed, it’s five past eight, and they were supposed to get to the yacht by nine thirty at the latest. The location is about a thirty-minute drive away, which means they technically should be in dresses and applying make up right about now.

“Are you staying at Meredith’s?”

Callie lowers her hand and falls into stride alongside Arizona, “Yeah, why?”

“I’ll walk you back and call a cab.”

“What? No.” Callie laughs nervously. Walking someone back to their porch, or in this case, that narrow path to the front door of the frat house, is something very date-ly to do. Not that she minded. It just makes her…nervous. “Arizona, you really don’t have to. Call a cab and get ready before April whips your ass for being late.”

Arizona grins, “I insist. Walking the lady back to her house is the gentleman—er, or gentlelady—thing to do.” She bumps her shoulder into Callie, “Besides, it’s a question of safety. You were super creeped out by Stan while we were buying the hospital.”

Callie rolls her eyes, “Again, he was hiding in the _shadows_ of a van. _And_ it was raining cats and dogs. There was thunder and lightening and all of the creepy stuff.”

“Whatever you say, Calliope, whatever you say.”

“I could crack all the bones of anyone who would _dare_ try anything!”

Arizona snorts, “Right after you recover from jumping too high up because _they were hiding in the shadows of a van_.”

“Not like you can do much with your girly hands.”

“Hey! These girly hands have punched more noses than you can count on the playground. These girly hands were also taught to punch _very_ early on the marine way.”

“Whatever you say, Arizona, whatever you say…”

Arizona scoffs, “Fine. I call tie. I walk you home even if we might both die in the hands of an axe murderer.”

“Great!”

After another few minutes of teasing while the sky around them shifts from blue to some weird transition between orange and navy, Callie suddenly reaches out and grabs Arizona’s hand and stops walking. Arizona whips her head around to Callie, opening her mouth even if she has no idea what she could possibly say.

Turns out, she needn’t worry, because Callie isn’t looking her way at all. “Arizona, look.”

Arizona slowly turns her head away from Callie, searching in the direction of Callie’s gaze. “Wow.”

“I know right.”

“Yeah.”

The setting colors of the sun loom over the rooftops under the few straggling pigeons picking away at the chimney for no good reason. The cars are rumbling, the clouds are floating, the late mosquitos are buzzing and it’s _quiet_. It’s beautiful.

“We got to see the sunrise _and_ the sunset. We’re awesome.”

Callie giggles and looks at Arizona, “How did you just come to the conclusion of ‘we’re awesome’?”

She shrugs, “We are.”

“Yeah. We are.”

They sigh and both look back to the splay of colors.

No one wants to break the moment.

It’s quiet and it’s beautiful and it’s almost _perfect_.

After a few quiet sighs and blinks, Callie slowly says, “You know…the sun is almost completely gone. We should…maybe…get ready for the yacht?”

“But I like this.”

“Me too. I don’t want to move.”

Two crows flutter onto the lamppost to Callie’s left. She inhales the damp evening air and she whispers because the atmosphere just feels like you have to whisper. “Do _you_ want to move?”

“No, not really.”

“Okay.”

Another six crows crowd around the bottom of the lamppost.

“We need to go soon, don’t we?”

“Probably.”

“You think April will be mad if we miss it?”

“To stare at rooftops? Yeah, she will.”

“Right.” Arizona turns away from the disappearing top of the sun for the first time in the last few minutes. “Uh…Calliope?”

“Yeah?”

“Our, uh…” She chuckles nervously, still holding onto the hand that Callie used to stop her. “This,” she says as she lifts Callie’s hand up along with hers.

Apparently, both of them just let their hands sit like that for the past few minutes, not thinking that it might be insinuating something much more then friendship.

Old habits.

Callie doesn’t even remember what happened after she took Arizona’s hand to stop. They just…naturally fell into place and didn’t let go.

Once Callie figures out what Arizona was talking about, she erupts into apologies right away. “Sorry! Sorry, oh my god, _I’m so sorry_.” She untangles her fingers from Arizona’s and stuffs her hands into the pockets of her jacket. She fists them in her pockets and digs her nails into her palm. Callie looks at Arizona, and looks at the ground, and looks at Arizona again.

And looks back at the ground.

“I-I’m so sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking I just—ahem, yeah…”

Arizona inhales. She can feel the tips of her ears burning a hole into the passing breeze. “I-it’s fine. I get it. Sort of.” She exhales. “Yeah, it’s fine. We’re good.”

The sun slithers past the tallest rooftop and officially finishes its day. It leaves behind a soft glow at the bottom of the darkening clouds and the faint shadow of the moon. It’s the shortest moment when neither the sun nor the moon is occupying the sky, only the subtle crescendo of indigo to coral at the edges of the sky.

Somewhere down the street, streetlamps are flickering their lights on.

Callie finally looks up at Arizona and tents a small smile. Arizona smiles back.

A cricket chirps behind them.

A leaf rustles over Callie’s shoelace.

A flutter of the air leads a strand of Arizona’s hair to brush over her eyes, and all she can think about is _beautiful._

Arizona steps closer.

_To hell with friendship and logic._

Arizona’s right hand is holding onto the lapel of her jacket somehow. Her left hand found its way to her waist.

And it really doesn’t matter because Callie can’t feel it anyway.

She’s dizzy.

So dizzy.

She can see herself in Arizona’s eyes.

_To hell with planes and car crashes and therapy._

The tip of her nose touches Arizona’s nose, and she wants to open her eyes to count the three tiny freckles that she knows are faintly lining up over her eyebrow, but she _can’t_ between her closed eyelids.

Arizona smiles again.

Her heartbeat is on the tips of her fingers tangled in Arizona’s hair and her heartbeat is on the ends of her toes tingling with light.

To hell with everything apart from _the girl inches from her_.

Because this time, nothing else feels right.

This time, she’s tumbling in head first, closer and closer…

_So close_ to Arizona.

> _I feel the fire, it’s comforting, it lights you up,_
> 
> _I see everything I need right here and_
> 
> _Now we’re swimming in the moonlight._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted it to be fun and light and what they were before everything. Like they don't even realise they're acting the way they're acting because it comes naturally. They will talk in the future, that's guaranteed, but right now, they're just both suppressing the hell out of it and fighting themselves. Yeah, so this is just sort of the cutesy chapter.
> 
> Enjoy!


	13. Chapter 13

**_HERE'S TO THE NIGHT_ **

**_Eve 6_ **

> _So I lied, a_ _re you the now or never kind?_
> 
> _In a day and a day love,_
> 
> _I’m gonna be gone for good again._

_-_

_Arizona smiles again._

_Her heartbeat is on the tips of her fingers tangled in Arizona’s hair and her heartbeat is on the ends of her toes tingling with light._

_To hell with everything apart from the girl inches from her._

_Because this time, nothing else feels right._

_This time, she’s tumbling in head first, closer and closer…_

_So close to Arizona._

_-_

As much as Callie told her self that there was nothing between them, she never truly expected herself to be so right.

But she’s right.

Because the streetlamp above her head flickers on and she told herself that there was nothing between her and Arizona and she _is right_ because Arizona is kissing her and there is _nothing_ between them.

Absolutely freaking nothing.

It’s everything she thought that was and that will be and everything she forgot she can still feel.

Callie can still taste the lingering sweetness of strawberry ice-cream on Arizona’s lips.

And she didn’t remember how heavenly kisses could be until she’s kissing her again. Her chest pricks for a moment, because she can’t believe that she had almost _forgotten_ what it felt like to kiss Arizona. And it’s unbelievable, how perfectly _well_ they kiss, even if only standing there, touching so softly and unmoving.

She decided to completely ignore any reasoning in her head, and it’s probably one of the best choices she’s made.

And they’re standing here right after sunset and a fantastic day together with a dimming sky that gave them enough courage to lean forward and _god, this could just be a few years ago_.

And those little sparks of pure heat going off all over her skin and the weakness in her knees and the blankness in her head are now all so _foreign_ , but not weird at all, even after all this time. The utter warmth of Arizona’s arms are melting into her jacket, and it’s better than breaking bones, better than iced-tea.

_It feels good._

A car screeches somewhere down the road and snaps their bubble down the middle. Its engine roars and rumbles and comes closer towards them, and whips past in a cloud of dust not caring if two people are coming home at last.

Its low rumbling, in Callie’s head, is whispering _bad idea, bad idea. Again? You know how that turned out the first time._

They jerk apart.

Callie inhales.

It feels like she hasn’t breathed for a few minutes. Or a few months.

Callie exhales.

She’s breathing.

Really _breathing_.

Arizona still has this dazed and guilty look on her face.

And they’re still looking at each other. Callie can finally see her reflection in Arizona’s eyes again, and that just feels like the place she should _stay_ from now on.

She takes another breath, and her logic seems to gather around her tongue in swarms that come rushing back in once the kiss broke. “We can’t…”

Arizona keeps their gazes fixed together and whispers back, “I know.”

“We don’t…”

“I know.”

Callie wants to cry; she wants to cry and scream and sob because she just kissed _Arizona Robbins_ again, and it might very well be the last time. Because they aren’t Callie _and_ Arizona anymore.

She’s Callie.

And she’s Arizona.

And somehow it didn’t work. But good lord, she wanted it to.

Arizona licks her lips. “We can’t be friends, can we?”

“Yeah.” Callie is whispering too, because any louder and she might remember that they shouldn’t even be having this conversation at all. “We are horrible at being friends.”

“Because I never wanted to be just your friend.”

“Me neither.”

And that’s true. Callie knew from Joe’s Bar, whether the nine years ago or today, that “we need cheering up” and then going out with Arizona for the whole day was a feeble excuse at friendship. It was barely even an _excuse._

It was the two of them not questioning anything and just going along the lines of friends, and then failing miserably.

Is it over already?

Arizona smiles her gentle smile at Callie again. _That smile_. Callie blinks and mumbles, “I’m leaving in two days, Arizona.”

“So, we’re saying we are settling for pretending to be just acquaintances again.”

“I think so.”

Arizona sighs. “Why?”

Callie blinks at her again. Although trying to decipher something that doesn’t need deciphering at all, and she sighs too. “I don’t know. Arizona, I-I,” she hesitates. She doesn’t even know why this can’t work. “I miss you.”

Arizona’s look turns a little glassy. She has that little crease on her forehead again, and Callie just knows she’s keeping something in. Arizona bites the inside of the cheek, hard, so that its faint taste of blood might stop her anger from spilling over. Callie doesn’t get to say _she missed her_. And no matter how much Arizona missed Callie too, _she’s so angry_.

Angry at Callie for walking out of therapy.

Angry at crappy planes for crashing in the middle of nowhere.

Angry at idiot coffee ladies that put the wrong cups of coffee with the wrong names.

Angry at useless grants that are in New York.

And angry at _absolutely everything_ because the best of them both just _couldn’t make something work_.

Arizona bites her cheek harder. “No.” Once she unclenches her teeth, she can’t stop anymore. “No, Callie, you don’t get to say you miss me. You don’t get to leave me wanting more after one kiss and tell me you’re leaving in two days and make me realise that this is another goodbye for us.” Her voice cracks, “You don’t get to do that.”

She sees Callie squeezing her eyes shut for two seconds, and opening them slowly again. She knows that’s something Callie does when she’s trying not to cry. And god, Callie had better not cry, because if Callie cries, she will be sobbing right after her.

Since when did they cry so easily?

Callie croaks, “We did it once, we can do it again.”

“Oh yeah right.” Arizona scoffs, “Maybe you can, but I can’t. I thought the plane crash was going to be the lowest of the lows I could ever go through, but then _you_ got up and left therapy.”

“ _Don’t_ you blame me for everything.” Callie says in a dangerously low voice, “Don’t you dare.”

Arizona’s anger keep scratching in her throat. Its sharp claws are forcing her ribs to burst right at the seams. “ _I_ wasn’t _ready_ to say goodbye.” In the dim sky of what’s left of the sunlight, her eyes are blazing a hot trail of fire right back into Callie.

All the tenderness of the kiss is dissipating into their anger again.

Callie squints her eyes at Arizona, “And you think I was ready? I _never, ever_ , wanted to say goodbye to you!”

Arizona growls and flings her hands up, “Then why did you?!”

“You know why.” Callie’s words are deathly quiet beside the awful clashing of their previous sentences. “We weren’t happy. Not anymore. I didn’t make you the happiest you can be, and you didn’t make me the happiest I can be. And you know that I also _never, ever_ , want to keep you from being happy.” The tears that were threatening to spill finally spill.

They didn’t use to cry so easily.

Arizona wants nothing more in that precise moment to be somebody to Callie that has the right to reach over and wipe those tears away. To gather Callie in her arms and feel her breathing slow and feel Callie’s arm slung over her neck.

Well, they’ve said everything that they shouldn’t have said already anyway.

Arizona’s anger falters. Just like it always did when Callie cried first. “I know I never told you, Calliope, but I’m proud of you. I’m _so_ proud of you. From walking away, to being there for me after the crash, to standing up for Penny, to building your robotic leg.” And she really is. She still finds Callie miraculous. That much never changed. “Calliope. I really wasn’t ready to say goodbye. But I got okay with the divorce.” _Okay with everything else that followed. Okay with not being to see you whenever I want to. Okay to being mere acquaintances, because the alternative was not seeing you at all, and I can’t even bare the thought._ “And I got okay even if I wasn’t ready for you to fly to New York. For your girlfriend’s grant. But I wasn’t okay with not being in your life at all, and you not being in mine at all.”

She sees Callie widening her eyes, and she sees Callie’s own anger pouring out. She winces when Callie’s voice is hoarse and furious, and somehow it still trembles. “YOU NEVER SAID _ANYTHING_.” She chokes on the leftovers of a tear and keeps it a notch lower then straight up yelling. “ _Why didn’t you_ _say something_?”

“About what?”

“About you! About _me_! _About US_!”

Arizona doesn’t even know how she forms a sad smile. “You know why.” Callie’s tears don’t seem to be stopping anytime soon, and Arizona continues, “I’m happy you were happier than me.”

And this time, it’s the anger that dissipates, and the tenderness of the kiss comes back.

She steps closer and pushes a lock of hair behind Callie’s ear, hearing her whisper again, “You never said _anything_.”

And there’s so many other things Arizona wants to tell Callie.

She wants to tell her how the day she put her necklace and her ring in a box under her bed, she laid on the floor just trying to breathe for the whole day. She wants to tell her about how she spent her first days of the Christmas break in the mall trying to find Callie’s shampoo, because her smell finally wore off her pillows and she missed Callie’s smell. And how it terrified her that one day she would just completely forget exactly how Callie smelled like. She wants to tell Callie how a year after she left for New York, she went out to buy carrots and started crying in the middle of a grocery store because they were playing the song they danced to on their first date.

And she wants to tell Callie about all the surgeries she missed out on, the people she hasn’t met yet, the new pudding in the cafeteria, and every little thing that happened since she wasn’t here anymore.

But she can’t.

So instead, she wipes another tear from Callie’s face and says, “I miss you too.” And wonders what that really means.

And if Callie means it in the same way she does.

Callie nods and closes her eyes. Her breathing evens out. “What are we going to do?”

“You are going to put on a nice dress,” Arizona tucks a hand under Callie’s jaw and runs a finger down the smooth curve still damp from her crying, “show up at that yacht party, have a lot of fun,” Callie brings a hand around the crescent of Arizona’s neck, “and on Monday morning, I’ll pick you up and drive you to the airport. Then we’ll say goodbye again.”

“I won’t ask for you to do that, Arizona.”

“I know.” Arizona smiles into Callie’s thumb grazing over the corner of her mouth, “But I want to. And then we can stop it at that and pretend we really forgot anything ever happened.”

“We are horrible ex-wives and we are terrible friends, huh?”

“Yup.”

“And I keep feeling like we’re not over, that there’s bound to be more, but then again, it’s like chasing an impossible feeling.”

Callie’s sharp edges and dazzling smile aren’t there, and she’s so much _softer_ than who she usually looks like, and Arizona has to dig her toes into her shoes to keep herself from reaching over and press Callie’s face into the crook of her neck. She blows gently to chase away a dandelion seed, “I get it.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

“So,” Callie breathes, “We better get going. We’re already late.”

“Yeah.”

“Mhmm.”

“This is it.”

“I guess so.”

And Arizona knows she should be glad that Callie and her have reached this place where they can smile and nod and tell each other that it’s over and it’s terrible without ending in fits of shouting and blame.

But she hates it.

It makes she want to scream over and over again when she sees how mature they finally are with each other, _after the divorce._

 _The divorce_ that was only their words and taking off rings, because they didn’t even get to run down to the courthouse in 2012. And it was so unreal to Arizona, and such a disgrace too, because so many years together _must’ve_ deserved more of an ending than just a quiet dusty box beneath her bed. And it hurts her to remember how _unimportant_ , how _careless_ , the end felt.

But then again, the first time she took off her _dear_ necklace was when she screwed an intern in her own shower.

 _During_ her marriage.

For the second time.

So she isn’t one with qualifications to complain about unimportance or carelessness.

Not in her own eyes, even.

But she shakes those thoughts off and lets herself into Callie’s warm touch again.

And it doesn’t last for long either, because a colder breeze tangles itself in between the faces of the two and sends a chill down both their spines.

“I should get going.”

Callie nods, “You should.”

“I’ll see you.” They take a deep breath beside each other for the last time, and Arizona wills herself to not forget this scent that is so distinctly Callie _ever_ again.

“See you later.”

//

After calling Meredith to pick her up, and after enduring half an hour of Cristina scolding her half-seriously about how April will have their heads for being late, Callie finally gets her dress on and makes her knees stop trembling enough to walk onto the yacht.

They’re met with Jackson standing rather awkwardly beside an annoyed April. “Great! First Arizona comes in late with Deluca, saying something about a cardiac emergency, and now you guys!” She glares at the gold-rimmed clock above their heads, “You do realise you’re about forty minutes too late, right?”

“Yeah, yeah, Kepner,” Cristina drawls, “Callie here had an emergency too. We were going to go, but then Callie came bursting in the front door and we had to wait for her.”

Meredith nods and eyes Callie before saying, “Sorry, April, we’ll just go and not cause anymore fuss. Have a nice evening.”

“Cause anymore trouble and I’ll give your residents boring trauma for the next month.”

Cristina follows Callie and Meredith to the drinks bar, grumbling, “When did you become so polite, Mer?”

“It’s the Harper Avery.”

Callie snorts, “Yeah, if Harper Averies make you nicer, I would’ve stolen one and stuffed it up Cristina’s ass ages ago.”

“True.”

“Hey!” Cristina scowls, but relents immediately after Meredith hands her a margarita.

“So. Callie. Wanna tell us exactly what Arizona and you were up to that made you guys so late?” Meredith asks gesturing at Arizona on the other side of the room, deep in a conversation with Richard, “Late _together_?”

Callie groans, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Oh, now you have got to tell us,” Cristina snickers.

“There was…not much. We had fun.”

“Like fun _fun_ or just boring fun?”

Callie rolls her eyes at Cristina, snatching her margarita and taking a sip before Cristina snatches it right back. “Boring fun. I mean, the last part wasn’t as fun, but it was inevitable, I guess.” She glances at Arizona laughing in a group of people, “We aren’t friends anymore, if that’s what you want to know.”

Cristina sobers up when she sees the defeated look wash over Callie. She shares a frown with Meredith and says, “What happened? The last time I saw you guys this morning you were having the time of your life.”

“Oh, I was.”

“And now?”

“Well,” Callie finishes another glass of martini before continuing, “We just failed miserably at being friends. We failed because we never just wanted to be friends. And before we even noticed ourselves, we…weren’t acting like _just friends_ anymore.”

Cristina and Meredith perch themselves on either side of her, all three leaning back on the bar, watching the crowd of people in fancy clothes start to make their way to the dance floor. Callie’s so ever thankful for their silent presence. The three of them didn’t always have this tight friendship, _god no_ , but now they can steady the air around Callie with their sincere twistiness.

Callie nods to herself and carries on, “And I guess we just fell right into old habits. We went about a day that was scarily like a date and no one said anything. It just felt so…normal, you know?” Meredith raises her champagne, motioning for Callie to get it all out. “Anyway, I think maybe we both knew that we shouldn’t have been doing all that, but neither of us stopped it. It felt like old times, and it felt so good. Before…everyone at the hospital left or died and before they were all replaced by new people. Er,” Callie’s eyebrows shoot up, “I mean, not that I have anything against the new doctors. They’re awesome. Really.”

Cristina shrugs, “Hey, I get it. Pierce is nice and all, but when Mer told me she replaced me _and_ Lexie all at once? Not cool. Even for a child prodigy or whatever.”

“Cristina!” Meredith scolds, “Callie, go on. Ignore her insensitive trap.”

Callie smiles for the first time since the lamppost. Cristina’s unfiltered comments and Meredith’s begrudging exasperation was exactly what she needed. It feels familiar. “Yeah, like I said, we fell right back into old habits. She walked me back to your house and we watched the sunset.”

“Sweet.”

“And we kind of…kissed.”

“ _Kind of_ kissed _!?_ ”

Callie grimaces and shushes the two. “You really want everyone to know my embarrassing spur-of-the-moment decisions?”

“There’s nothing embarrassing about kissing Arizona.”

“I second that, Torres.” Cristina says, “She’s perky and chirpy and maybe doesn’t always have your heart of gold, but she’s a good person. And, hell, even Zola sees the heart eyes you guys stuff in our faces whenever you’re within fifty feet of each other. You keep blabbing about how our glory years have passed, but you know, your glory girl is still there.” Pausing for a moment, the corners of her mouth twitch, “It’s better than what Mer or me can say.”

Callie sees Owen patting Amelia on the shoulder, and she hands Cristina the bottle of champagne Meredith had opened. “Owen’s still there too. He and I went through our losses together, with you leaving him and me leaving Arizona. I know him, and I know that he would fall for you in the blink of an eye if you do as much as take a step closer to him.”

“I could say the same for you and Robbins.” Cristina shares another look with Meredith, “I didn’t say anything about the cheating because I knew what the plane was like, but I assure you, Callie, Mer and I have sat back and seen you get beat up in relationship enough times to tell you that whoever hurts you next will see us swinging a baseball bat and a scalpel on their front porch.”

“Thanks.” And Callie means it, because these two take friendship as seriously as she does.

“We need to get out there and have some fun tonight. Just for tonight. This is too depressing.”

Meredith takes a final swing of champagne and pokes Cristina in the shoulder. Waving her hands at the two of them, she walks backwards, “Come on. Life sucks and we’re dancing it out.”

Callie and Cristina nods solemnly and each takes one a last gulp of liquor, welcoming the familiar burn, and hurries onto the dance floor.

Callie swings her hips with an edge of reckless abandon to the beat of the music. Mimicking Meredith and Cristina, she closes her eyes too and once the irking feeling that they look like idiots passed, she thoroughly enjoys it. It’s almost as good as dancing in her underwear again.

And the last time she did that was…a year ago? A year and a half?

She has to start dancing in her underwear way more often.

Wasn’t that the reason she left in the first place? She doesn’t remember the details anymore. She remembers the feelings, but the circumstances come back blurry.

“Hey.” Callie opens her eyes to see a man smiling down at her. Sneaking a quick look around, she sees Owen shuffling awkwardly closer to Cristina, who is still dancing and mouthing the words to the song with closed eyes. Meredith started dancing with Amelia, and mouths a “Go for it” at Callie before starting to attempt a horrible pirouette.

“Hey.”

The man has light, wispy brown hair and kind eyes. His stubble strangely reminds Callie of Mark. Despite being a bit embarrassed and nervous, he’s not bad-looking at all. “Would you like to dance with me?”

Callie hesitates for a moment and returns his smile. “Hey! Weren’t you the waiter from earlier?” Leave it to Kepner to invite the waiters for the after-party.

He nods, and extends a hand, “Yup. I thought you looked very nice tonight, and I’ve been wanting to ask you for a dance since the wedding.”

“Thank you.” He looks like a nice, polite guy, doesn’t he? One dance wouldn’t hurt. “Sure. Let’s go dance.”

He smiles wider when Callie takes his hand and lets him lead her to the dance floor, just as a new song comes on. Peeping over his shoulder, Callie catches Amelia and Meredith giving her two pairs of thumbs ups and she rolls her eyes.

//

Arizona scans the crowd another time before continuing her conversation with Richard. She can’t freaking help it. Her eyes have minds of their own whenever they decide to scan for Callie’s face in the piles of dancing people every ten seconds.

And they are very well practiced at finding Callie right away anyway.

She knew Callie was dancing with Meredith and Cristina just a few moments ago, and she has to admit, she looked absolutely amazing. She always knew Callie had a knack for dancing ever since their first date, but seeing her moving to the music with her eyes closed and that look of pure content on her face was practically enough for Arizona to jump on her in the middle on the dance floor.

And it’s such a bloody shame that she had stopped dancing like that at one point.

After nodding along to another part of Richard’s story for two minutes, Arizona scans the crowd again. It’s not like she’s expecting anything. She just wants to _see_ Callie.

And she does a double take once she sees her swaying along to some tall, brown-haired dude.

“Arizona? You still there?”

Whipping her head back to Richard, Arizona forces open her clenched jaw and squeezes out a smile. “Yes, yes, sorry. Zoned out there for a second. Carry on.”

She’s given up all rights to be jealous over Callie.

“Okay. You just looked really intent on wringing the gentleman dancing with Callie’s neck.”

Arizona grimaces, “Was I that obvious?”

“Kinda.”

“I wasn’t…”

“You were. Anyone with eyes can see. You should just go talk to her, you know.”

“We already talked before coming here. Well…yeah, talked.”

Richard studies her. Her flitting gaze still hanging about Callie and the waiter. Her not so subtle chewing of the inside of her cheek. Her hand that lifted halfway to her neck to fiddle with a necklace that she realised wasn’t there anymore, and dropped into her lap again. “Talked as in yelling-a-few-words-overcame-with-emotions talk or we-sat-down-and-seriously-talked-about-our-doubts-like-grownups talk?”

Arizona sighs, “A mixture of both, I guess. We…did some stuff, and then we went all emotional again, but then it shut off for some reason and we finished it pretty calmly.” Looking back up at Richard, she says, “I’ve not become less stubborn, Richard, I haven’t. But I find it easier to bend for her then to bend for anyone else. Easier and more worthy.”

“Yeah?”

“Urgh, I just wish it was simpler. Every time I think of this—which is pretty much all the time lately, god—it hurts my head with all the complications we got catapulted face-first. And there’s so many things to take into consideration and to talk about, I just want to run away from it altogether and go to another bar and get drunk.”

Richard narrows his eyes, “You run too much Robbins.”

“Well, it was Callie that ran for that final time.” She scowls, hearing herself blaming Callie again. “And now I’m going back to old habits. Holy- you see?! How am I supposed to let myself go back to her when I still run and blame and basically screw like the female-version of Mark?”

“Now, now. You gotta stop talking about yourself that way.”

“I know. But it’s not like I can’t find someone else.”

Richard scoffs. “I’m not much one for gossip, Robbins, but are we just going to pretend that every woman you slept with more than once didn’t have dark hair, big eyes, and speak some sort of hot foreign language?”

“They did not!” When he just hums and raises his eyebrows, she protests further, “ _Carina_ —okay, not her. Uh, Eliza! She didn’t speak anything other than English, I’m sure!”

“Yeah, because she was a think-headed earthworm who can barely remember her own name, but are you really trying to say that you stopped looking for shadows of Callie in every person you come across?”

Arizona opens her mouth. And then closes it again.

She grunts and turns back to the dance floor. Her fowl expression only goes sourer when she sees the waiter throwing a wink at Callie with his arms around her waist.

 _She_ wants to be the one making Callie laugh and dance. _She_ wants to be the one with her arms around Callie’s waist and making her blush. _She_ wants to be the one who sees her with her messy morning hair and lie with her when she’s sick.

And she did. Because once upon a time _she was_ the one to have all that. But then, she’s not even sure of why now, it all slipped between their fingers and just disappeared to be handed to someone else entirely.

She was _so sure_ that Callie was it.

She had never been that sure of anything else.

But then it didn’t work out.

How could she be sure of anything else now?

The words the surgeon next to her says slip in an ear and goes out the other when she sees Callie saying something to the man and gesturing in the direction of the bathrooms. With an apologetic smile, Callie gives the man one last wave before walking away and pushing open the door to the stalls.

“…and don’t do anything on impulse. Adrenaline and alcohol are the worst things to make decisions on… _Arizona_? Hello?”

Arizona doesn’t answer, and instead, she has a scarily blank expression on her face. “Earth to Arizona!?”

Arizona blinks away the déjà vu. “Y-yeah?”

“Did you hear anything I said at all?”

“Uh, yeah, of course.” Arizona clenches her jaws tight for a moment, and takes a deep breath. She obviously didn’t hear anything Richard said at all, because her mind snaps in an instant and her every thought pulls her towards the bathrooms. “Uh, Richard? Look after my purse for a second. I need to use the washroom.”

“Uh, yeah, sure. Do you need—” Before he finishes his sentence, Arizona is already hurrying off to the bathrooms without a second glance back at him. He sighs. _She’d better not do anything stupid._

But of course, if problems were solved by simply following your instincts into a bathroom, they would’ve achieved word peace by now.

Callie stares at herself in the small oval mirror above the fancy shiny sink. This whole place is so much of a palace and she feels out of place in their neat elegancy. The expensive lights hanging from the ceiling are just laughing at the turmoil coiling in place of her intestines.

And the contrast between how much she feels like a mess and how _even the walls_ are perfectly pristine is just absolutely ridiculous. And she forgot at which point in the last few years she got sad just by looking at some ridiculously smooth walls…but she did.

And wow, it sucks.

What also sucks is that she didn’t even enjoy dancing with the very cute waiter. Whatever lever that gets pushed when she meets someone new that makes her check them out or something was even more defective then usual right after her… _thing_ with Arizona.

She’s infested with Arizona and it’s infuriating.

It’s like her chicken pox from years ago, _pretty much exactly like that_ , and she has those horrible gauze paws keeping her _so close_ but not quite touching the thought of Arizona. She can always just see it out of reach, but she can’t do anything about it, and it’s simultaneously so much worse because the thoughts of Arizona are always there. They stay with her.

Hell, even when she was so drunk she forgot her own name, she remembers _Arizona_.

And nothing sounds righter than _Callie and Arizona_. _Callie and Arizona_ just has this delicate rightness and it just _makes sense_.

Like she just woke up and saw everything, _really_ _saw_ everything, and all the little bits down to the invention of the alphabet made sense, because it turned out to spell out these two names that are just _made_ to be put right next to one another.

But then it all turned to crap.

Callie growls in frustration and drops her head in her hands, still leaning over the sink. It’s all _crap_. All pure, unfiltered _dung_. Everything just _sucks_ so much.

She kicks the foot of the sink, and winces when a bar of soap clatters to the floor. Everything sucks and now she has to pick this stupid bar of soap off the floor.

She stares at it.

God, she can just walk away and go back to New York and forfeit the promises she made to Bailey and Meredith and Alex to visit way more often.

She picks it up instead.

When she hears the creak of the hinges on the door and looks up through the mirror, she almost bursts out laughing. _What is up with them and bathrooms?_

“Calliope.”

The way that name sounds when it comes from Arizona still kills her every single time. It’s weird to think the first time that happened was nearly a decade ago. _A decade_.

It doesn’t seem real. Counting by decades were things people only did in history books and boring documentaries about pyramids. And it’s _even less_ real when Callie has to count by years to the last time she woke up to Arizona’s stealing all the covers.

She never thought Arizona was someone she would remember and count the time without by _years_.

So, since they are acquaintances now and nothing more, Callie smiles as politely and as formally as she can with an acquaintance. She tips her head, “Arizona.”

Arizona clearly has no idea what the heck she wanted by following Callie back here. In a split moment, she just let her own steps lead the way. And now she’s looking at Callie but she has no idea what to do.

She steps forward and repeats, “Calliope.” And her voice is barely above a whisper, and she doesn’t even know why.

Callie shuts her eyes hard. Her heartbeat is everywhere. It’s pounding in her ears, in her toes, in the tips of her fingers. The only thing she knows apart from her heartbeat is Arizona’s presence, making it that much harder to concentrate on anything.

Arizona can see Callie’s throat bob up and down harshly from a forceful swallow. Callie’s bright red dress doesn’t do matters any easier either. It’s a miracle anyone on this yacht had enough self-control not to stare at her for the whole night.

When Callie opens her eyes again, Arizona is even closer. And those soft eyes looking right into her like nothing else matters enough to be looked at, and those bouncy curls that sit right under her ears (did Callie not notice Arizona had cut her hair again?), and the subtle tilt of her head to the left, almost like she’s considering something persistently if Callie hadn’t known this look all too well.

All too well.

Callie doesn’t want to run, lord no, for some reason. She would stay here in the bathroom for as long as Arizona is right here looking at her like that.

Or maybe she might not stay here _exactly_ like that, because once she lets her gaze flicker downwards for a split a second, Arizona sees that she wasn’t leaving and she steps into the last bit of distance between them.

In one swift and careful motion, Arizona is kissing her.

Furiously, harshly, fiery, scorching anything else that dares to register. Callie’s hands rise up to Arizona’s jaw and tangles in her hair by reflex, pulling her closer, _closer_ , because the closest she can get isn’t close enough.

_And it feels so good._

It’s so drastically different from the almost shy lamppost kiss. Callie isn’t even very sure if she’s alive or she died and arrived in heaven, because god, Arizona’s hands roaming over her hips and the small of her back is pretty much what paradise is made of.

Breaking apart for air, Callie tightens her grip in Arizona’s hair, wanting to keep her near at least for one more second. Arizona’s hot breath mingles with her’s in this odd swirl of champagne and pain, but makes no move to run away. At least not now. At least they still have a few more seconds together.

As sudden as the first kiss came, the second comes even faster. Arizona pulls Callie up straight and turns around, blindly walking them backwards until Callie’s back hits the bathroom door. Callie moans softly when she feels Arizona pressing her harder into the cool surface, shoving her hips down on top of Callie’s. Arizona just swallows her moan and nips on her bottom lip hard enough for a second moan.

And it’s all at once like they’ve been kissing all their life and like their first kiss all over again.

Arizona still tastes like Arizona, and Callie’s not even realised how much she missed this until she’s tasting Arizona all over her, and she can’t imagine what anyone else could taste like.

A hand drops to the hem of her dress halfway down her thigh, and Callie shivers just the tiniest bit at the contact of burning skin. Arizona’s hand climbs higher and higher, slipping over the hem of her underwear. Callie still has her death grip holding onto Arizona’s face, although she’s scared that once she lets go, she would really be _letting go_.

And she’s just not ready for that yet.

She might not ever be ready for that, but that’s okay.

Arizona kisses her with more force, clashing teeth and fighting tongues, and ensures that they would both come out later with ridiculously bruised lips and maybe even funny walking, but that couldn’t matter less.

Another hand leaves her hip and slides upwards. It flutters lightly over her chest earning another quiet whimper against Arizona’s lips, and lands on Callie’s ribs, holding her tightly, safely, right under Arizona. Callie’s hips jerks against the thigh that Arizona slid between her legs somewhere along the line.

Arizona plays with the hem of her underwear teasingly, stopping way to close to the heat to instead to run her tongue down Callie’s jaw. Callie’s hips buck again on her thigh, and she forms just the beginnings of a smirk. But not quite, because nothing about this is smirk-worthy.

For all it’s worth, Callie can deal with the embarrassment of bruised lips if it means she can feel Arizona kissing the life out of her one last time.

Even if this is just a twisted attempt at closure or…

Callie stills. She pushes lightly on Arizona’s chest, pausing the desperation, even as her own need burns in her throat and she groans at her own loss of contact.

“Arizona…” She doesn’t open her eyes, because she knows that if she does, if she sees Arizona’s pleading gaze, she will dive into this first without thinking about the consequences at all. She’s terribly good at that, anyway.

But she won’t do that, not this time.

She grounds down on Arizona’s thigh involuntarily as one last try at keeping her voice from trembling so hard. Arizona leans back down, sucking on the soft spot in the crook of her neck in reflex, whispering, “No. Please. Don’t.”

Callie shakes her head, barely noticeably, “A-Arizona.” She’s panting out the words now, but if that’s the best she’s going to get to talking at all, so be it. “W-We,” _pant_ , “W-We can’t.”

Arizona squeezes her eyes shut too. She hears her own raspy voice, but it doesn’t feel like she’s talking. “Please. You’re leaving in a day.”

Callie exhales and untangles her legs from Arizona and wobbles dangerously until Arizona catches her arms. Still refusing to open her eyes, Callie mumbles again, “W-We can’t.” _Pant_. “I-I don’t want to be one…one of your flings, or a careless screw,” _pant_ , “o-or a temporary fix.” Finally feeling that her own hands are still gripping Arizona’s hair, she lets them go and lets them fall, boneless, at her sides. “ _I_ _can’t_.”

Arizona freezes for a moment.

She traces Callie’s flushed face with her eyes, and she nods. “I know. W-We can’t.” But Callie wasn’t ever a fling. Or a careless screw. Or a temporary fix. Hell, it could be the stupidest thing she’s ever heard, _anything_ with Callie being careless. That’s anyone who wasn’t Callie. That’s everyone else, but never _Callie_.

Slowly, Arizona separates her hands from Callie’s sides. She so very much doesn’t want to. She passes a hand over her eyes.

Her head suddenly hurts like a mother.

She chuckles drily, “We weren’t supposed to be like this.”

Callie’s mustn’t have changed too much, because she apparently sees the morbid irony and chuckles too. “But this is all that we can be now.” And she bites her lip _hard_. She’s not going to cry again today.

“Yeah.” Arizona takes a deep breath, steadying the last of her want. She’s still standing so close to Callie, because neither of them moved, and steadying her want, her _need_ , is harder than she thought. She gently combs through the ends of Callie’s hair one more time and tucks a strand behind her ear, making it at least presentable. “Okay. I’ll go now. We’ll take Sofia out to a restaurant tomorrow before you leave. Let her take advantage of having both her mommies, and I’ll drive you to the airport after tomorrow.” She plants a soft kiss on Callie’s forehead, and squeezes her hand. Callie squeezes it back and opens her eyes.

She gives Arizona a kiss on the forehead too. It tastes of apologies.

With a last look, Callie turns around gingerly and pushes the door open. “See you later, Arizona.”

Arizona nods, and watches the door swing shut.

> _Wanna stay not go_
> 
> _I wanna ditch the logical_
> 
> _-_
> 
> _Here’s to the nights we felt alive_
> 
> _Here’s to the tears you knew you’d cry_
> 
> _Here’s to goodbye._
> 
> _Tomorrow’s gonna come too soon._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, just curious, does someone want me to keep posting here? Because I'm mainly active lately on ff.net but if someone only reads it here i'll gladly continue it here.  
> If not, i might pause the posting here until it's complete (maybe).


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is last sad-ish chapter, i promise! (I did kind of make myself cry a little while writing this so that's karma I guess. Or maybe I just love these two too much...) To make up for the depressing fighting-their-own-emotions thing the next chapter is coming up really REALLY soon.  
> I think I'll be extremely awesome (haha) and post the full story on here too :)

_**PAQUERETTE (WITHOUT ME)** _

_**\- With Confidence** _

> _I’ll be fine,_
> 
> _You’ll keep growing,_
> 
> _I’ll be fine,_
> 
> _We both know it._

They abandoned the restaurant plans and settled on taking Sofia to an arcade at the centre of Seattle.

Coming out of the arcade with an armful of yo-yos and pencils, Sofia is basically bouncing up and down with energy. Arizona too, is grinning from ear to ear from her own haul of funny erasers and colourful tape. Callie trails behind them, grumbling about her wallet suddenly being so much lighter.

Arizona rolls her eyes and says, "Oh suck it up, Calliope. If your daughter wants to spend your last day here at the arcade, then let her."

"I'm fine with Sofia," she grumbles, "you are the one s-u-c-k-i-n-g terribly at the games and using up all the coins five minutes in so that I had to go buy a second batch."

Arizona turns around and sticks out her tongue. "I don't s-u-c-k that bad." Callie eyes her pointedly, raising an eyebrow. "Okay fine, maybe I'm a bit worse than Sofia." Shuffling around in her bag, she says, "Here." And throws an eraser, aiming at Callie's head.

"Wha— _eee!_ Gosh, Arizona! You know I'm horrible at catching stuff! Don't you remember how bad we lost when we had that baseball match against Seattle Pres?"

Arizona's grin falters mid-chuckle. She does remember, of course she does. Callie and her had spent half the match making out in the grass being "roving outfielders" and Bailey had caught the only ball they came close to touching. She shakes the thoughts away, "You can't get worse than me. That's the favourite eraser I won. You have it now, happy?"

"Oh yes, settling arguments by trading erasers now, I see. Real mature, Arizona, real mature." Callie laughs and opens her palm to examine the eraser she caught right before it hit her on the forehead. The little donut stares right back at her with its perky rainbow sparkles and crimson frosting. Arizona's favourite. Callie grins and slips it carefully into her back pocket.

Arizona unlocks their car and turns around, "Hey, if you think it's that childish you can always give it back."

"What? Hell no! I'm keeping my little donut!" Callie covers her pocket protectively, "But you can always offer another one, you know. One eraser hardly counts as anything compared to the stacks of cash you two spent today."

Sofia slugs her softly in the hip, pouting. "Hey! I was good! Mommy spent all the coins first." She cranes her head upwards, hugging onto Callie's thigh, "I still get the ice-cream after dinner, right?" Her small chin digs into Callie's hip.

Sofia's grown so much. Even if Callie's turn with her just ended a few weeks after Christmas break, and she's seen Sofia much more during the last few months due to her back and forth from Seattle to New York, she's grown. She's grown, and her favourite colour two months ago was purple, but it's now pink. She's grown, and her favourite from Toy Story two months ago was Woody, but it's now Jessie.

Callie pats the top of her head lovingly. Her dark silky hair and soft skin scream Callie, and that smile reminds them of Mark anytime it shows. But she's got her hair in two braids, a pouty bottom lip, bouncy steps and a freaky neediness for routine and those are all so distinctly Arizona.

"Yes, of course you still get your ice-cream, you were much better than your mommy." Callie says as she grins at Arizona and gets an exasperated glare back.

Sofia whoops and gives her a little smooch on her leg, making them both giggle.

 _Calm, Callie, calm,_ she tells herself as she sees Arizona searching for something else to throw at her in her bag. She keeps telling herself to not make today go like the day before, to not accidentally fall back right into their old ways, to not give in to the pull of her old life.

She should resist it, right? She's doing the right thing… _right_?

Because it doesn't really feel like that sometimes.

Arizona pauses for a second once she finds something to throw again, and looks back up at Callie, almost shyly. Callie's running her fingers over Sofia's braids, and Sofia's going on and on about a kid in her school here who draws really well.

"She's a real artist, Mami, even the teacher says so!" Callie nods, smiling at Sofia, her eyes full of her daughter and subtly inching a bit farther from Arizona.

Arizona sighs to herself. This is what it was supposed be like.

It wasn't supposed to be screaming at each other during a custody battle. It wasn't supposed to be Callie moving to the other side of the country. It wasn't supposed to be her going back to her spectacularly bad choices of women to sleep with.

It was supposed to be Sofia and Callie and Mark and her. Now, one of them is missing, one of them is leaving tomorrow, one of them has to grow up too quickly and one of them is standing here and trying to imagine what her life was supposed to be like.

 _None of this is right_ , for god's sake.

Callie opens the car door, ushering Sofia and clicking the seat belt in place, promising her that in a few months, she can try and sit without the booster seat. She closes the door and lets her confidence drop.

She stands up and gives Arizona a small, sad, smile. "Thanks for being so good with Sofia today."

Arizona returns her smile, "You don't ever have to thank me for that."

"Yeah, I know. Sorry." Callie sheepishly kicks a pebble under the car, not quite knowing what to do now. To her dismay, the pebble clangs on a wheel and ricochets out on Arizona's calf. Hearing Arizona sharp intake of breath, she grimaces. Luck obviously isn't on her side lately.

" _Oww_." Arizona glares at the pebble at her feet.

"Sorry, sorry, I'm so sorry!"

Arizona looks back at Callie, chuckling a bit, "It's okay, Callie, don't look so panicky. I'm still Arizona, even if we're keeping our distance." Taking her chance, she flicks her wrist and throws the second thing at Callie gentler than last time. "Here."

"What's this? Another peace offering?"

"Yup."

Unclasping her hands where she caught it after a good bit of fumbling, she grins, "Didn't this cost like two thousand tickets from winning or something like that?"

Arizona bashfully averts her gaze to anywhere that isn't Callie, moving to the car doors, she grapples for the handle and pulls it open. "Yeah, I think."

"It's cute!" Callie climbs into the passenger seat, holding onto the key chain tightly. A little plastic pill a bit shorter than her pinky is hanging from the metal ring. The pill is transparent, and a tiny skeleton figurine with a baseball cap is floating around inside. "And it's bad ass. It's cute but it's way more bad ass."

Arizona starts the car and rolls her eyes, "Yeah, yeah, Dr. Badass." She sneaks a glance and sees Callie inspecting the key chain with a happy smile, and she smiles herself. Definitely _very_ _bad ass_. "It's a good peace offering right? Because I saw it and it was very cute, I mean, _cool_ , but also because you know, ortho, and it's a skeleton. It's not very anatomically correct, but it's the thought that counts right?"

Callie happily nods, "She's missing some ribs and couple of spinal vertebrae, but she's indeed very cool." Taking out her keys, she snaps them onto her new key chain and grins at Arizona, "Thanks for throwing this at me."

"My pleasure."

//

Moving to the beat of the song on the radio and chopping up some potatoes, Callie peaks past the kitchen and catches sight of Sofia seriously talking about the rules of Monopoly with Arizona. She stills her discrete dancing and stops chopping the potatoes to just drink in the picture of a happy family in silence. She wills her mind to take a snapshot of the moment, memorising each line on their shirts and carving their smiles into her brain. She will need to remember this moment when she goes back to New York tomorrow. This moment that looks perfect.

This is what it was supposed to be like.

This is what they had envisioned when Mark had called them on their business trip and said Sofia had rolled over for the first time and they celebrated in their hotel room, dancing it out without caring for their neighbours. This is what they had envisioned when they heard Sofia saying "Mama" for the first time and Callie and Arizona were so excited that they knocked over the ugly green lamp from the top of the closet. This is what they had envisioned when Sofia took her first steps while Arizona was stuffing dirty dishes in the dishwasher and Callie was grumbling about her research on the couch.

And it _looks_ so perfect.

But Callie knows that it only looks perfect. Because Mark is gone, and Arizona is her _acquaintance_ , and they can't even hold a normal conversation without the fear of crossing some invisible boundary that no one really drew and no one really cares about.

And Callie wishes she'd been there when Sofia scored her first goal on her junior soccer team. And when she supposedly punched a boy for picking on a younger girl because of her freckles. And she wishes Arizona could've been there when Sofia built her first snowman in the gardens behind her apartment in New York. And when she gave her first presentation about the titanic to her kindergarten class, and Callie was so proud when she saw that Sofia didn't inherit her terrible fear of public speaking.

Arizona feels a stare on her head, and she reluctantly rises up, only catching a glimpse of Callie's hair when she leaped into action in the kitchen once again.

She hesitates, and considers her options for a moment. She makes up her mind fairly quickly nevertheless. It's simple, really, even as near-strangers, she'd choose spending some time with Callie rather then feeling sorry for herself as she stares at the picture hanging by the foyer. "Hey Sof." When Sofia raises her head from counting the fake money, Arizona says, "I'm going to go help your Mami in the kitchen so that we can get dinner quicker, okay?"

"But I want you to play!" Sofia whines.

Arizona smirks that whining voice, so much like Callie when she begged for coffee. "Mami and Mommy will both play Monopoly with you after dinner, how does that sound? It's better than just playing with Mommy, isn't it munchkin?"

Sofia considers her offer with her eyebrows creased tightly. Her little narrowed eyes inspect Arizona under the unique scrutiny of a six-year old. "Fine."

"Good girl."

Arizona hauls herself up with the edge of the sofa, and walks into the kitchen, pausing at the doorway just to see Callie with her back turned and doing little shuffling dance moves while putting on a timer by the oven.

And _God_ , she thinks for the millionth time, _this could just be a few years ago_. Nine years ago, when she followed that sad-looking girl into a dirty bar bathroom, she never even imagined that the girl was going to be a pure force of nature slamming into her life.

 _Nine years_.

Callie and Arizona really do have the same realisations, coincidentally, as Arizona sighs softly to herself. Callie jumps around with a start. "OH!"

"Sorry." Arizona shifts her weight nervously, "I was just wondering if you needed some help. Didn't seem fair to let you do all the work."

Callie grins crookedly, "You didn't seem to mind that before."

Arizona tilts her head.

Callie feels the knot in her stomach again.

Right. Polite acquaintances. That means they have to offer to help in the kitchen and say sweet-sounding stuff and shake hands when they meet. She aligns her grin into an apologetic looking grimace. "You can check in the fridge and see if there's anything worth using for dessert."

Arizona nods, and heads to the fridge.

 _Nine years_.

A decade ago, Callie didn't know who she was, and she wasn't Callie's anything. They were two people a little more than strangers sitting in a bar, nursing a shot of tequila and thinking about their separate lives. And somewhere along the lines of walking down the streets of Seattle time and time again together, it changed.

A decade later, they're somewhere under the line of friendship, and they went a whole circle before landing in this place of friendly strangers again. They can greet each other with a nod in the corridors of the hospital, and they can barely find excuses to exchange a hug, or sling an arm around the shoulders.

And sometimes Arizona still wonders what would've happened if Callie never had the courage to walk out of therapy that godforsaken rainy day years ago.

Would they be miserable together and would Sofia have to endure a childhood full of her moms yelling at each other every other day to the point where she would rather stay later at school than come home? Or would they have separated somewhere down the line inevitably, but with more hatred?

Either way, Arizona meant what she had said. She's so proud of Callie for having the courage to end when it ended. They never did things traditionally anyway. A baby out of wedlock with your partners best friend, accepting a proposal after waking up from a car-crash...that sort of thing.

And finally, they divorced not out of hatred or unfitting, but out of the final bits of love and respect they had for each other. Quite the huge contradicting paradox.

She's wasn't happy with the decision but that doesn't stop for her from being proud.

She's settled quite nicely at letting Callie and her secretly feeling whatever feelings they left for each other and leaving it at that.

"I can make some pie and you and Sof will have leftovers once I leave."

Arizona snaps out of her thoughts and sends Callie a grateful smile. "Thanks. I appreciate it."

"Can I ask something a bit personal, Arizona?"

Puzzled, Arizona says, "Go ahead." There weren't much personal stuff Callie didn't already know anyways.

"That picture hanging in the foyer…" Callie looks back down at her potatoes uncomfortably, "You still have it?"

_Ahh. The picture._

"I mean, not that I have anything against you having it." Callie quickly adds, "I have the same one, actually, on the coffee table in my apartment in New York." She chuckles nervously, and decides it might be better to keep chopping up her already very chopped up potatoes in silence.

"No, it's fine." Arizona waves Callie over, and leads them both to the silver rimmed frame hanging just inside the entrance. In the photograph, three pairs of eyes are laughing right back at them.

They both take a moment to stand looking at their younger selves, frozen still in time, forever happy in that dimension at least. Arizona had her long hair straightened, grinning her best dimpled grin, Callie was cradling a tiny Sofia in her arms, and Mark had his arms around the three of them, looking as smug and cocky as ever. And they can see their old apartment in the background, exactly as they remember it.

They've made these memories for themselves, and they get to keep it now, to look at when they miss it. And _boy_ , do they miss it a lot.

"I miss Mark." Callie finally says after their silence, "And I'm sorry I kissed you. It wasn't my place to do."

"I'm not sorry I kissed you. But I am sorry."

"So, we going to be decent people now."

Arizona keeps her eyes on the photo, just like Callie, "Yeah."

"For the sake of that photo."

"Exactly." She traces Callie's smile in the picture carefully, still innocent (More than the present, anyways) and still dazzling. Still free of the baggage over the years and who still curled into a smile effortlessly, with no weight attached. "We're adults. We don't owe each other anything."

"And we're too late to make up for it with quickies in a bathroom."

"I'm sorry for that." Arizona faces Callie and tells her, "You deserved so much more than being stuck. You deserve so much more than a quickie in the bathrooms. You deserve so much more than being taken against a random door."

Callie smiles sadly at her, "It's okay."

"But it's not." Arizona pauses, "And you know, I haven't smoked a cigarette since you arrived in Seattle."

Callie raises an eyebrow, "Didn't you only smoke when you were stressed or in trouble?"

"Yeah, but, um," Arizona chews on her lip, ashamed, "I sort of started smoking a bit more after you left for New York. The night you got drunk you smelled smoke on me and told me to stop smoking. And…I smoked way less." After seeing Callie's expression, she quickly adds, "Don't worry, I never smoked near Sof. It was always on the roof of the hospital or in the streets."

Callie made no comment as she watches Arizona looking ashamed of herself. "It's okay, Arizona, I'm not going to scold you, you know. It's your business anyways. But, I'm just curious, didn't Bailey or April or Richard not try to stop you? I mean, we all know Bailey, I'm just very surprised you didn't steal your cigarettes and burn them or something."

Arizona laughs, "She did, actually, for the first month or so. But then they also knew we…well _I_ was going through stuff and they just…stopped acknowledging it." She shakes her head, "I was in a bad place then, I wasn't a very good person for awhile. You know, Eliza and everything. It's just…" she shakes head again, "It was whatever. Just… _bleh_."

Callie doesn't want to stir up the old stuff and let it make their… _plot_ all bloody and cruel. So they turn back to the photo, as Callie mumbles, "It's fine. I loved you, and I don't for one second ever regret that. And I respect the end of our story."

"And it's my own decision when I chose to waste time in missing you. But let's just try and preserve the last bit of dignity our goodbyes gave us."

"Yup. If I can love you, then I can take the heart break that comes along with it. Which is just awesome."

Arizona chuckles, "Just awesome. Everything's just _peachy_."

"Oh yeah, totally."

Arizona doesn't want their nostalgia to ruin the memories they made together either. She made that mistake with the custody battle once already, and she's ready to throw punches at whatever that could threaten their memories. She just couldn't imagine Callie leaving with someone else _on a grant_ , and taking their daughter with them.

So she pulled out the lawyers in one desperate last attempt to keep Callie around. She was sure that her and Callie could've talked something out about having shared custody with Sofia without them, but that still meant that Callie was _leaving_. So in that moment of pure rage, the custody battle erupted.

Not that Callie was anything but innocent during the battle, but then again, who is she to say anything about Callie again?

And turns out the whole was for nothing anyways when she saw how miserable she had made Callie again, and she couldn't help but give Callie her blessing to leave.

She understands Callie wanting to chase the first of happiness that came into her life after the divorce now, and she understands Callie moving to New York. It was just like her aimlessly chasing the first feelings Eliza brought. That woman brought out the worst of her, bloody hell, and Arizona wants to throw something off a cliff just thinking about it.

One of the first moments she had felt faintly disgusted with her own habit of picking up women left and right was right after Eliza left.

But apparently it worked out better for Callie, so she's happy for her.

Sofia's shouts break their little blue bubble. " _Maamiiii!_ Is dinner almost ready?"

Callie chuckles, "We better go before that little girl eats her board game."

Arizona laughs as they fall back into their politeness, "Yes we'd better." Raising her voice, she shouts back, "Almost ready, Sofia! What did I tell you about patience?"

Hearing Sofia's grumbling, Callie laughs too. "Five more minutes, Sof! You get extra dessert today!"

//

Arizona flops around her bed until three in the morning, and manages to sleep for two hours before she wakes up with a start from a dream. She can still see the way Callie looked at her burned into her eyelids when she closes them again.

She feels creepy dreaming about Callie when she's so close somewhere, at Meredith's five minutes away, probably sound asleep.

She closes her eyes and goes over her dream again, just to hold on to that feeling for a few more seconds.

_She was floating. In the freaking sky._

_Of course, she didn't actually see the sky, except for a misty greyness surrounding everything, but she just_ knew _that this was the sky. Maybe it was this blinding emptiness hovering over her head._

_And she was still on her bed. Her bed was like it always is._

_A stray sock on the far-left corner, the sheets on the left side still cold. The pillow beside her leg still slightly crumpled._

_And suddenly the sky wasn't so empty anymore._

_Because Callie's there._

_Her Calliope._

_"Hey," Callie said, smiling. And good lord, how she missed that smile. Her voice was soft and gentle and only meant for Arizona._

_"Hey." Arizona lifted a hand and brushed a curl behind Callie's ear. It's real. It_ felt _real, at least. That loose curl still fell at the annoying angle it always does, and Callie's earlobe was warm under the tips of her finger. "I've missed you."_

_"I've missed you too."_

_Arizona sat up under her cold sheets, "I'm sorry."_

_"I'm sorry too." Callie sighed, "And I have to leave soon."_

_"Please don't."_

_Callie smiled again, sadly. She looked right back into Arizona's eyes and pauses. She held out a hand. "Leave with me."_

_Arizona blinked, confused. "Where to?" But even as she asked question, she already took Callie's hand in her own, and she didn't hesitate one bit._

_Callie shrugged and held Arizona's hand tighter. "I don't know. Stray or something like that." Seeing Arizona smiling at her, she added, "And who knows? Maybe we'll run into Mark or Lexie or George along the way."_

_Arizona pulled on her hand. "Let's go then."_

_Callie grinned at her again. Lord, she was the happiest when Callie grinned like that. Even after all this time. She follows Callie, stepping along the rim of the sky._

Arizona opens her eyes. Heaven and hell are just other things she'd do to make Callie happy.

Maybe once upon time, they were places she'd follow just to be with Callie, but now, she doesn't think Callie's happiness is her's to stoke anymore.

When morning rolls around, she's tired and sleepy and has earned two extra eye bags. Callie is supposed to come by and drop Sofia off at school with her, seeing it's her last day in Seattle. Sofia desperately begged to skip school and see her Mami off at the airport, but both Callie and Arizona insisted severely that she can't skip school for no good reason.

They will come prepared for tantrums and a whole lot crying this morning.

The doorbell rings and Arizona hurries to throw on some half-decent clothes before seeing Callie. Stuffing her hair halfway into a hair tie, and strapping on her prosthetic, she rushes down the stairs as fast as she could go without tripping.

Which turns to be so fast she surprised herself.

Throwing the door open, she sees Callie in a much more put together outfit and immediately scooches over, attempting to hide her wrinkly t shirt behind the door. "Morning."

"Hey," Callie says, "Um, so…are you going to let me come inside?"

Arizona flushes pink and opens the door wider, moving out of the way, "Yes. Right. Sorry."

"No problem."

"Sof's still asleep, we can start on the breakfast if you want."

"Yeah, that'd be great. I also brought some lollipops to bribe her with in case she gets upset," Callie says as she chuckles nervously, "I mean, of course she would be upset, it's my last day here, but you get what I mean." She quickly continues, "Not that I don't love Seattle, I just—well, you know I live in New York now, and everything—"

"Callie." Arizona stops her with a pointed look, "It's fine."

"Yes. Sorry."

They prepare breakfast together mostly in silence, one of them making small talk occasionally. No one knows what else to say anyway. They can only steal glances at the clock on the wall, counting down the minutes of when one of them would be gone again. And grappling onto the last few hours of something near their concept of family.

Sofia bounds down the stairs when Callie starts scrambling the eggs, following the smell all the way to her Mami, and leaping into her arms.

Surprisingly, Sofia doesn't cause much of a fuss at all, and she eats her eggs and toast calmly, telling her mothers between bites about her field trip today to the fire station. Still, Callie gives her two lollipops for good measure on the way to the school.

Callie would by lying if she says that she doesn't feel guilty at all, because she does.

Arizona stops the car in the crowded parking lot, and moves back to free Sofia from her booster seat. It still seems like yesterday that she was still strapped from four angles into her child car seat. Callie climbs out too, and the both of them insist on walking Sofia all the way to her classroom.

Planting a last kiss on top of Sofia's little braided crown that's perfectly Arizona's style, Callie releases her hand reluctantly and lets her scuttle into her classroom.

Her little girl's growing up so fast. The next thing she's going to know, Sofia would be asking to go to late-night parties that middle-schoolers deem the stupid definition of 'cool' filled with crappy booze and horny boys.

Callie scowls at the thought. She just hopes both her and Arizona will have plenty of bricks when the time comes.

Seeing Arizona watching the retreating form of their daughter sadly too, Callie feels a little better. At least Sofia will always have two mothers that love her fiercely no matter what. Whatever comes, Sofia will come first.

Raising her wrist to check her watch, there's some hours to waste before having to be at airport. As if Arizona reads her mind, she says, "You can go home and make sure you have everything before you leave. I'll come pick you up around twelve so that we have plenty time to drive to the airport in the traffic."

"Okay. Thanks."

Their conversations today are strictly bound to only the absolute necessary, like they're scared that if they say one word too much, they would fall apart and there would be no going back. Everything's rock hard and icy.

Turns out, Callie didn't have to lounge around Meredith's empty house wallowing in pity long before Arizona shows up an hour before she has to. Having said all her goodbyes yesterday before her friends' long shift, Callie was only left to sip wine and daydream anyways.

She's secretly grateful Arizona showed up when she did.

Even if their only sitting side by side sipping wine and not saying anything, they get to _see_ each other. Be in each other's presence.

And that's the only way Callie can imagine that they can do anything for now.

Somehow, they got to the airport gates, and they have to say goodbye all over again. Callie can't even fully remember the car ride over, except for an excessively happy song blasting from the radio, and Arizona slamming it shut with excessive force when it became too much to bear.

Now, they're standing together just behind the line where "family and friends drop-off" ends.

Cruel.

Arizona just nods and mumbles, "This is it. Go on."

Callie changes her stare from the poster about high-heels to Arizona's scarily neutral face. That's her "Dr. Robbins" face, for god's sake.

She'd never thought she would be on the receiving end of Arizona's careful and controlled calm, but then again, she said it herself, nothing works out the way you want it to. Ever.

Arizona glances at her, mumbling again, "Go on." Almost taunting her patience.

Callie examines her slowly. She can't begin to think of any reason why she pushed Arizona off in the bathrooms the other night. Not when Arizona's standing next to her looking so strange and icy, telling her to 'go on'. She's tried so many times ever since she arrived in Seattle to think of the pros and cons of the possibility of getting back together. No, not getting back together, because the prospect itself feels too selfish to ask. Just...something from Arizona.

Because being someone to Arizona was never off the table to her. Not when it's Arizona, not when she's Callie, not when she's running on her last chance. At least, that's what she tells herself.

They such different people now after all. Different people, but somehow, the cores of their beings managed to stay the same after all this tragic life happening, and that forlorn, primitive, force pulling them together is still disturbing the careful peace they've forced upon themselves.

She's going to take a chance. She's going 'say it all' one more time (It seemed to work the first time. Or not, actually, but that depends on what you look at.). She's throwing all caution to the wind right before the wind stops once and for all.

She's going to get it all out, the good, the bad and the ugly. The stuff they _should've_ said.

She starts the flow before she can chicken out and fly to the other side of the country. Taking a breath so deep she's almost positive she became half a helium balloon, she says, "We didn't get to have the 'forever and always stuff we wanted once, Arizona, and I got over that. And you'd think I should have learned something form George and Erica and Izzie, and you know what? I did." Callie silently rejoices that she's got Arizona's attention at least. She's not turning her heels and walking out again, that's a good sign, right? "I did, and I was ready to be all cautious and logical and whatever us grown-ups are supposed to be hardcore like. But then you popped up out of nowhere one night, Arizona, and for some preposterous and crazy reason, _it just didn't matter anymore_."

Arizona's mask falls off. She's showing something between a really sad smile and a really weird grimace. "Calliope—"

"No. Please. Let me get it all out." Callie takes a shuddering breath and chuckles humorlessly. "God, sorry. Look at me. I'm still interrupting you. I'm sorry."

Arizona shakes her head, "It's fine." She stays silent, urging for Callie to carry on.

"When you popped up, logic and reason and pain and all that potential sucky stuff, it didn't matter anymore. It didn't matter anymore, because all that seemed to matter, was _you_. I did know, after George and Erica, after sleeping with Mark, even, that there would be hurt. Between us, I mean. And I was— _am_ —sure of it." She looks away, suddenly shy to say it all with Arizona's eyes boring a hole into her head. "I just remember thinking…thinking that the hurt would be _better_ , be worth it, because it was going to be _you_."

She risks a glance Arizona's way, and sees her still staring at her with wide eyes.

Callie squeezes her eyes shut for a short moment and continues, "At least, I trusted you. More than any of the other people. I…believed you would say something to me before…whatever should happen. I mean, when you went to Africa, you didn't disappear like Erica. I believed you would say something if ever…something happens." Arizona sees Callie swallowing hard, as if in slow motion. Callie's now stubbornly training her eyes on the floor. "But no. You…you just turned away. And that was it."

Before Arizona could be confused about what Callie was talking about, she gets her answer with a sharp pang to the guts. "You just turned the other way…you threw away your clothes and conscience at the same time. I don't blame you entirely for the cheating, Arizona, but I thought you wouldn't let me be completely clueless if something like that ever should happen, even less let that woman make up some excuse about lending scrubs."

_You just turned the other way…_

It's not that Arizona expected Callie to forget about the cheating all together. She's not an idiot after all. But she didn't expect it to still sting so much after the divorce, after Penny, after New York. Sting so much to the both of them.

And then she feels like a jerk all over again because _of course_ it would sting. It will sting whether after two years or ten years. It will sting whether you're sitting with a new lover or missing someone old. It will sting because it's that constant reminder that somewhere along the road, the person you trusted the most decided that screwing someone else was appropriate.

"Calliope…" Arizona can't shake the sticky guilt all over her. "I'm telling you to go. Again. I'm telling you right now to fly to New York and be happy and that it's okay. We'll both be fine." She digs a fingernail into her palm. This next part is going to hurt to say. "I sincerely, completely, with every bit of my heart, hope that you're better off without me. I'm happy you made it out—"

Callie shakes her head. "Arizona, I know we'll both be fine. I _am_ fine. But that's also all that it will ever be. _Fine_." And it's still as if she can read Arizona so easily. "Stop feeling so damn guilty. I never blamed you for anything. How could I? I was angry, but I wasn't angry at you. God, I was _so_ angry but I forgave you. I told you, I wanted you to have someone, that's why I took the blame for cutting off that leg. I told Alex to never tell you, and that boy still spilled the freaking beans."

Arizona winces, that was a sore spot for her. "I never blamed you for the leg again after I forced Alex into telling me, Callie."

Callie shakes her head again, "Yes, and that's exactly why I didn't want him to tell you! You needed to put the blame somewhere, and what greater place than the person who cut off that leg? The person who coincidentally spent the most time with you too? And you've got to remember that I'm an orthopedic surgeon, for god's sake. Half of the time, my patients are soldiers and others that are there post-trauma, I _know_ what it looks like. I can't believe just how often people completely ignore that my speciality _is_ basically dealing with PTSD."

Callie pauses, catching her breath, she's gotten better with talking softer now, hasn't she? "It's not that I didn't have faith in our marriage anymore, Arizona. There was just the voice of the doctor somewhere in the back of my head telling me that you would hate me no matter what, and it would be better for you just to hate me then hate everyone else too." And she adds a little sadly, "You know that the divorce rate among Iraq and Afghanistan veterans with PTSD rose to 78%? That voice was saying that we probably would've ended soon anyway. I did a lot of things only because I loved you."

Arizona opens her mouth, but she doesn't say anything. What could she have said anyway? "Stop it, Callie. I told you, I'm sorry and I-I miss you too. I don't what to do or what to say. What do you want me to say?"

"Lauren Boswell still hurts." _She was saving children from a burning bus while her wife did another woman in an on-call room, Jesus Christ_. Pushing those thoughts out, she says, "Leah Murphy still hurts. Everything still hurts all the time, and I'm telling that it wasn't okay, but nothing is hardly ever okay most of the time anyway." Callie marvels for a split second on her speech skills. Usually, it's Arizona who shows up with a big speech for her. "Yeah. So…that's that. But that's the past. The past is the past."

"Alright." Arizona snaps. She softens her tone right away, "I get it. So we're _fine_. We'll be fine."

"No, Arizona. That wasn't the point. Everything will be fine, I'm sure of it. But's that's all it'll ever be. _Fine_. What I'm trying to tell you is… _ask me to stay_. Ask, this time. Just ask, and I will. I'll drop the world if you ask me to stay this time. Please."

Arizona blinks rapidly. Did Calliope Torres really just say that?

She did, didn't she?

It's Arizona's turn to fixate the floor. She just knows that Callie is blinking her big brown eyes with first sliver of hope she's seen in them in a long time. She can't let that disturb what she thinks is right.

Shaking her head for herself more than anything, she whispers, "Go."

Callie blinks too, but doesn't say anything.

"Go and take care of yourself." Arizona hesitates, "Don't go to sleep too late, and remember to feed yourself in between surgeries. So…go."

Callie doesn't say anything, she doesn't move.

"Go on," Arizona repeats.

Slowly, Callie nods. Just before she turns away, Arizona says quietly, "And don't look back, because I won't be here waiting anymore."

She follows the back of Callie's head until it disappears around the corner. That was a lie.

Of course it was.

Callie did as she was told, and she didn't look back.

But Arizona is still here.

//

Stopping at a red light, Seattle begins another drizzle. The clouds rule over the previously sky, and Arizona sighs. At least the weather is cooperating with her mood.

At least something is half-way alright.

She's leaving, and even if there's too much left unfinished, this is the freedom Callie wanted, so Arizona is giving it back to her.

At least, that's what she keeps telling herself.

The warm air battles against the wind becoming chilly with rain outside, and a fog rises up to the car windows. Sighing again when the cars in front of her inch forward only to have the light turn red again right at her turn, she can only turn on the windshield wipers and watch them swish back and forth at their slow pace.

_Never mind, nothing much is right._

Staring to her left, the mist on the window beckons her finger to scrawl something upon it.

' _Calliope_ ', she scrawls. Her finger trails the 'e' and a thin line of clarity swishes behind it. The window fogged up, and she still wrote Callie's name childishly without thinking.

Feeling stupid, she wipes it away with the back of her hand. Still, the name makes its way out once the fog scrunches together again.

Arizona glares at it, and turns up the heat in the car. Someone honks loudly behind her, and she yelps. Pushing down on the gas pedal, she urges the car forward with the light finally turning green. She has to go pick up Sofia soon.

The air around her turns into the suffocating and stuffy hotness of car heat, and she risks a glance to the window.

The fog cleared. The name disappeared. Callie left.

And they can't go back.

//

Hauling her suitcase onto a cart with a light grunt, Callie pushes it away from the baggage carousel quickly. It might've been a better idea to call someone to pick her up instead of dealing with everything on her own. But then again, she didn't want to bother anyone in the middle of the night.

Middle of the night, _right_. Callie curses her watch that ran out of battery somewhere during her flight. Skittering to a stop outside an airport bar, she nudges the heavy cart in the direction of its doors. She's not going to get drunk in another airport bar this time, though.

"Here, ma'am, let me."

Callie raises her head to see a short and muscly man with a towel thrown over his shoulder. Must be the bartender. "Oh no sir, please. I'm sure you have plenty of customers waiting in the bar."

He chuckles, "Oh it's three in the morning ma'am. Not a lot of people wanting a tequila in the airport at this time."

"Is it three already?" Callie interrupts, "Sorry. I mean, my watch died and I really need to know the time."

"No problems. More precisely, it's two fifty-five, but yeah, practically three in the morning, ma'am."

"Oh." Callie lets him push her cart into a corner and walks into the bar. Turning back to the man following her, she says, "Can I have a glass of white wine? I'll sit here for awhile, I think."

"Of course."

With a grateful nod, Callie steers her tired feet to a small table in the back of the bar, facing a wooden old-fashioned clock on the opposite wall. No matter how sunny the day is, the nights of May are still pretty chilly. She squeezes herself against the wall and hopes that the bartender would feel the shivers too and turn up the heating at some point.

The airport that's usually bustling with shouts and footsteps everywhere during the day has only a little less people at night, but somehow everyone silently agreed on moving in silence. Only whispering quiet words on the next flight or the closest hotel, and the huge building feels eerily lonely.

She looks at the clock. Two fifty-eight.

"Here you go, ma'am. White wine. Please enjoy."

"Thank you." Callie reaches for the glass and takes a sip. She swallows the unfamiliar burn. Arizona was the one that liked white better anyways, she's much more accustomed to red wine.

She wonders what Arizona is doing now. Is she staring at the clock on the wall outside the kitchen and silently calculating the time difference between New York and Seattle?

Two fifty-nine.

Taking another sip, Callie keeps her eyes trained on the clock. She hears some sharp clinking form the bar; someone must be opening another bottle of wine.

The second hand ticks closer and closer to the twelve in roman numerals perched on top of the clock. Raising her glass towards the wall as the hand inches onto three o'clock, Callie swallows the knot in her throat, forcing herself to at least whisper without breaking.

"Happy wedding anniversary, Arizona."

> _I hope you're better off without me_
> 
> _In your bed and sleeping soundly_
> 
> _Dreaming in the arms of someone new_
> 
> _I hope you're better off without me_


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is more of a short filler to boost start the next part of the story.  
> Callie's TED talk in season nine was pretty skimmed over, and in this chapter, there will be…that situation. So, let's pretend that TED talk never happened in this timeline, cut it out, and stick it in here now.  
> Thank you and enjoy!

_**ALL I WANT TO HEAR YOU SAY** _

_**\- SEA GIRLS** _

> _But that was a while ago_
> 
> _And our delicate youth is starting to get old_
> 
> _And I just want you to know_
> 
> _If you're in town tonight, I'd like to say hello._

When the clock on the wall hits three thirty in the morning, Callie finally decides it might be time to head back to her apartment. She doesn't remember when she stopped referring to it as home, but it doesn't really matter.

Remembering that Meredith told her to text her when she arrived in New York, she whips out her phone and guiltily scrambles to check her messages. She groans. She was so caught up wallowing in her own pity that she forgot that she is supposed to alert the chief at New York Pres too.

Giving in to her fate, she opens Meredith's messages and sends a quick apologetic text off, explaining vaguely why she didn't text right away.

Meredith replies right away, making Callie slightly more guilty knowing she was probably waiting for her answer since sometime.

God, it would be so much easier if she were right there at Seattle with the rest of them.

Callie calls a cab before opening the last email. Settling into the seat that smells like old gum adorned with too little space, Callie skims over the contents carelessly, expecting it to be another email informing her of some ridiculous rule her hospital newly adopted.

She drops her phone when she sees the email address.

Scrambling to pick it up again, she bumps her head on the back of the seat and curses loudly. The driver throws her a curious look, and she barely has to time to look sheepish before grabbing hold of the device and reading the email through once, twice, and three times.

Her eyes are practically bulging out of her head by the end of the third time.

Staring into a void for god knows how long, she's only snapped out of her thoughts when the driver pulls up to her apartment. He calls her name twice before she snaps out of her daze and throws a couple of bills his way and hurrying out the car without a look back.

She can still feel her heartbeat in her ears.

She blinks at her phone, and reflexively dials Arizona's number.

Her finger hovers above a millimetre above the screen and she only then realises what a horrendous decision that is.

Instead, she puts in Meredith's number and presses the call button.

//

Arizona grunts as the bag of coffee beans falls to her feet. She stares at it.

She doesn't want to pick it up. Kicking it to the other side of the kitchen, she's positive that she just might die from frustration. It's _everywhere_ , the frustration.

When she picked Sofia up from school in the afternoon, she looked up at her with those big eyes and finally stopped being so awfully calm. When they got into the car, Sofia started crying. She cried through the traffic and cried through the bridge they crossed. Arizona still felt as helpless as the first time, only being to rub small circles on Sofia's knees, mumbling reassurances.

Arizona lifts her head to look at the clock. Eleven fifty-five.

Sofia cried until Arizona pulled into the garage, and then she stopped. She sniffled and wiped her eyes on her sleeves and slid off her booster seat and dutifully waited while Arizona got out of the car at a slower pace. It hurt to see her daughter this way, but what could Arizona do? Summon Callie's hologram?

She half expected herself to start bawling along with Sofia in the car, but somehow, she didn't. She wrapped Sofia up in a tight hug, and told her no matter where she was, she always will have both her mommies loving her forever.

She took Sofia by the hand and told her she had three different flavors of ice-cream waiting for her in the fridge. Sofia dried her tears and followed her until she pulled on her hand and waited for Arizona to crouch down in front of her. For the first time today, Sofia didn't bother to try and be a big girl. She sniffed and told Arizona, "I miss momma."

Arizona stares at the coffee beans only a little while longer. She bends down and picks it up.

She knew that Sofia must've caught sight of their family photo behind her, hanging in its place on the wall. She also knew that she couldn't do anything about it.

She could only pass a hand through the hair that's exactly the shade she remembers it and tell Sofia, "I know. I do too."

Stirring the now made cup of coffee, she looks back up at the clock. Eleven fifty-eight.

She needs more milk in this coffee.

She walks too the fridge and fumbles for a carton of milk. She finds one at the very back, and almost throws it against the tiled floor because it only has a tiny amount left from when Callie made dessert with that same carton a day ago. Closing the fridge door after taking two deep breaths, she catches the second hand ticking closer to the twelve.

Eleven fifty-nine.

_Tick. Tick. Tick._

It lands on midnight.

Arizona takes another deep breath, clutching to the carton of the milk like her life depends on it. She can almost still feel Callie's warmth on the cold surface, and somehow, she feels a little better knowing Callie's hands were in the exact spot she holds the milk.

"Happy wedding anniversary, Calliope."

She doesn't let herself dwell in that same spot after she whispers those words. She knows that if she stops for a second, she won't be able to move anytime soon.

She flicks the cap off and pours the rest of the milk into her mug of black coffee. She clangs a spoon around, watching the white swirl into the brown.

Her breath hitches when she raises the mug to drink.

The coffee is a dreamy shade of brown and it looks exactly like Callie's eyes.

She wishes she hadn't put so much milk.

The mug clatters to the counter top, spilling half of its contents down the sink, and Arizona probably didn't even hear it.

She clatters to the floor, giving into the sobs that were waiting to pounce over her, and Callie probably is sleeping soundly in her fancy apartment.

She watched Callie walk away with her own eyes and she can't, _for the sake of everything she was stubbornly holding on to_ , come up with a reasonable explanation why. Why, oh WHY was she so intent on over-compensating for the past with unasked-for selflessness?

They were _so happy_ once.

She guesses they just suck at timing. Timing is that inconsiderate and tedious salesman that hits up your phone ten times a day asking if you want that extra-strong vacuum cleaner that you have absolutely no interest in. Who then somehow proceeds to crash his car into your house and ruin everything, but that's besides the point. And maybe Arizona should be proud that she can finally see herself more clearly, and be able to do something for _Callie's_ sake.

If only she didn't overcompensate for whatever guilt that was there and grab her chance when she saw it.

Damn Eliza. Damn Murphy. Damn Lauren _fucking_ Boswell. Damn humility and selflessness that come way too late.

But then again, she can't blame any of them for what happened between her and Callie. Salesman Sir Timing is irritating, yes, but maybe people there at the wrong time are just wrong people.

Arizona still remembers the feeling of loving Callie on her trembling fingertips (it felt so good). Disregarding every inconvenience, she loved her once, remember?

And deep into the night, under the cover of a cloudy storm sky and sobs pushing the air out of her lungs, she might be willing to admit, a part of her, childish and stubborn, loves still.

//

"Meredith!"

Meredith rubs her eyes in the dark on-call room. She's fairly sure that her hair is all kinds of wild, but Callie's voice, almost hysterical in her ears, is begging for her to not ignore. "Callie? What's wrong?"

"Oh my god, thank you for answering!" Callie immediately launches into a rambling fit of words seemingly without breathing at all, "I got off the plane and I was checking my phone right and I got into cab and I replied to the texts but then there was an email so I opened it and it's terrible I don't know what I'm going to do—"

"Callie!"

Callie stops with a start and her shallow breathing fills the line, "Yeah?"

"What's wrong?"

"I think I just got invited to the ten-year anniversary TED conference event thing in Seattle."

Meredith is wide awake now, pushing open the door of the on-call room and clutching the phone tightly to her ear, "What? That's great, Callie!"

"NO!" With her breathing regulated, Callie fully has the time to panic now, " _No, it's not great at all_ , because I have to make a speech in THE most important and popular conference ever! About cartilage! And robotic legs! No one even cares about that! People think ortho is just carpentry, and everyone will be booing me if I ever have the guts to go on stage and—"

Realisation dawns on Meredith. Of course. Callie's fear of public speaking never really went away. "Okay, okay, calm down Callie."

"Calm down?!"

"Okay, um…tell them you can't go."

"This is THE _most important and popular conference ever_! I can't just NOT GO!"

"Then start rehearsing! Why did they tell you so late into the year anyway?"

" _I don't know!_ They said something about just discovering nominations and tardiness in the invites or something—I DON'T KNOW!"

Meredith shimmies past an obnoxiously loud group of interns, "Okay, so…what's the plan? Do you fly back to Seattle? Because if it's for a TED conference, I'm pretty sure your chief shouldn't mind."

Callie swears loudly in the elevators to her apartment. She completely forgot about New York and her hospital and everything else here. For a sheer moment back from Seattle, she felt like she belonged back in Seattle.

It feels strange. _Familiarity_ feels strange.

"I don't know, Mer." Callie nibbles on her lip nervously, "I think I can think of a few things I should do but…I don't know. It's been…very messy lately."

"You know what Alex and I said and you know that we mean it when we say we got you. We'll always be here for you, Callie."

//

Callie wakes up with a start. It's been six days since she left Seattle.

She lies there immobile for a minute while her eyes grow accustomed to the darkness of the very early hours of the morning. The dream that woke her is still swimming around the back of her eyes, refusing to go away. This is the second dream she's had about Arizona this week alone.

Arizona in her dream was like she always is, and she can make Callie's heart speed up even if it's only a dream. In fact, Callie can still hear her heartbeat pounding against her rib cage, fighting to get out and find Arizona.

Her grandfather had told when she was little that dreams were magic. They were parallel universes that your soul visits. And he told her that if you dream of someone from your past three times, it means that they are forgetting you.

She sits up.

_This is the second dream she's had about Arizona this week alone._

She sits up straighter against the headboard and shakes her head. She knows Arizona can't possibly forget her, after everything.

But _does_ Arizona ever think of her, after everything? Does Arizona ever sit up at two in the morning and feel her heart ache in all the same places Callie's heart aches?

She pulls her pillow out from under her and hugs it against her front. She hugs it tighter. The pillow hides dreams that are starting to rot, and in the dreams, there is a person that Callie cannot have.

Isn't it only in old romance movies where someone keeps waiting on someone even after years and years? Crappy clichés. So much has happened in the last few days, and her head still hurts with the endless possibilities of right and wrong and maybes and almosts.

Still, Callie sits staring at the blank wall until the morning, pinching her leg when she feels her eyelids drooping. She ignores her own pathetic stupidity and doesn't sleep.

She's not taking the chance of having another dream.

//

Arizona wakes up with a start. It's been ten days since Callie left Seattle. It's pathetically stupid really, how she thinks about her so much that she makes an appearance in her dreams even.

And she's ashamed of how she can't put out that little spark of hope that Callie would pop up unexpectedly in Joe's or at the hospital suddenly again, because that's what she did the first time she came back, right? She turns the corner of the street and sees the coffee shop they used to go to all the time and _just has to_ search through the many heads to see if Callie's miraculously there. She opens the door to radiology when she fetches scans for her latest patient and just can't prevent the little flutter in her chest when she looks for the familiar sleeves rolled up to the elbows.

She always loved it when Callie did that.

Why the hell did she tell Callie to go?

Oh right. Late incoming overcompensating of sense. Or nonsense, really. She immediately went with the choice where she benefits the least and in which Callie would do better. She thinks that only in giving something up for herself that Callie can benefit, and only now she realises how incredibly dumb it was.

She would talk and try to flirt with the nurses like she used to do even if she wasn't really in it, and when someone mentioned Callie, she would laugh it off, talking about something else. Pound cakes, perhaps. Carina was right, people still miss Callie back at Grey-Sloan, even after two years.

She would never admit that she has no one there that she can really talk about Callie with. She would never admit the nights just like this one where she imagines what surgeries Callie could be doing as she lies awake. She hates that if they closed off the internet and the satellites hovering over their planet would crash, then it would mean forever between her and Callie.

When she curled her hair for the first time in months on Tuesday, an intern with batty eyelashes and too much confidence told her that she looked very pretty. Her first instinct was to feel a little happier and hope that she would cross paths with Callie that day. A second later, she remembered that Callie's in New York and left the nurse standing there. She can't help but miss the days where she could pass Callie in the corridors, even when she was sure that she died a little when Callie started the look and the floor instead of her every time they walked by. The intern called after her and said "You keep mauling over the past, how can you let someone new love you?"

And even surprising herself, Arizona didn't mind. Even as she sits here in the dark, wishing that everything was different, she doesn't mind. She doesn't mind leaving her heart in Callie's hands because she doesn't want another someone having it.

It doesn't matter, she doesn't need to have another chance, she still has a lifetime to waste anyway.

She needs do something about this. Callie didn't even ask to pursue anything, Callie just asked to stay.

She closes her eyes to and listens to the silence in the house. Deluca moved out three days after Callie left, claiming that he has crazy hours and doesn't need this big of a house anyway. She's pretty sure he actually moved out to have more girls over ever since Meredith stopped wanting to pursue anything with the poor guy.

It's so much easier just to let herself think about Callie and sink into this black hole of grappling for the one hand she shouldn't have let go of.

Arizona steps out of the bedroom quietly and stops for a few seconds, opening the door to Sofia's room to see that she's asleep and snoring contently before stepping gingerly down the staircase. Restless nights aren't strangers to her, but she fights off the urge for a cigarette. She promised Callie she would stop smoking as much as she did when Callie first left, and even if this was to be the only promise she could keep for Callie, she will fight like hell to _keep it_.

Callie left a strip of the lollipops she bought on Alex's wedding day in Arizona's secret stash of candy, and Arizona's been fetching one whenever she's having craves for a smoke. It works surprisingly well, seeing that it's a reminder of Callie and all their promises.

_Don't ever leave. Promise me._

_I promise._

_Promise me you won't let them take my leg._

_I promise._

Callie way more addicting then some flimsy Marlboros anyway. When it comes down to this little battle of drugs, Arizona chooses Callie every time. It does make quitting smoking a hell of a lot easier, but it just serves as another disappointment. Why does she _now_ know to choose Callie over and over when it's too late?

She sighs.

Whatever reasons she had for fighting against Callie's pull all seem as flimsy as a cigarette butt right now. If she thinks about it too hard, she doesn't see, _for the life of her_ , why she let Callie go at the airport, why Callie told her they can't when they kissed, why they keep staying on other sides of the country.

Sure, self-respect and dignity and not getting hurt and divorces and all that. But honestly, getting hurt by Callie still is a lot more appealing than getting hurt by anyone else. If her annoying excuse of fate decides that she still needs more hurt in her life, than _screw everything_. She would be damn near privileged if she were to be hurt by or with Callie.

The scary will to rip up her life and move to New York suddenly makes an appearance in her head.

It isn't all that stupid is it?

It's pretty stupid.

But simplicity should let her see clearer into...whatever this situation is.

Her phone rings on the cushion next to her seat on the couch. And boy, does that exact annoying excuse of fate become ever more annoying when she sees the name 'Calliope' pop on the screen.

"Hey, Callie? What's wrong?"

She hears the shuffling and distinct car noises through the phone. "Hey, nothing's wrong. I just, erm, wanted to tell you something."

Arizona sucks in a breath and nods to herself. "I need to tell you something too." She's going to make this right. The more she's left alone with her thoughts, the more she wants to just screw those thoughts and do what she's itching to do. "But you go first."

"Okay, well, um, first, I never told you, but I came to Seattle once before without telling you. And before you yell at me, I just wanted to apologise and you gotta know that it was for…an emergency consult of sorts and I was gone in a day. I-I just didn't see the point in saying anything since, well, we're nothing. I just felt bad after that so I'll tell you every time I might travel now, you know, Sofia and everything."

 _We're nothing._ That sounds horrible. She's wants to be somebody to Callie. "Uh, I actually knew about that time."

"What?!"

"Yeah, I saw you at Joe's and I didn't say anything either because well, we're nothing."

"Okay. Um. Sorry." The line remains silent for a few seconds and Arizona has to bring the phone closer to her ear to make sure that she didn't accidentally hang up.

"Calliope?"

"I'm still here, I'm still here. I don't really know how to say this next part without sounding weird." Callie exhales and spits it out. "So this time I'm calling again because I'm back in Seattle."

"Again?!"

"Yes." Callie takes a deep breath and holds it until she finishes the next part of her talking, rambling everything out all at once. "I somehow got invited to the TED talk in Seattle too late and it's in a few weeks and they sent a speaker coach for me to prepare with in New York and I called Mer and I was panicking for the whole of last week." She takes a breath quickly and doesn't give Arizona any space to cut in, "And you know me and public speaking, we don't sit well together and I guess you can imagine the dilemma. The chief here is however over the freaking moon and says it's great for PR but I pretty much hate PR too. The first official TED rehearsal is in a few days and I kind of had an epiphany talking with Mer so I'm calling you now to give Sofia a heads up that I'm—"

"Callie!" Arizona gasps, "What are you doing on my front porch?" She takes four quick strides across the living room and throws open the door.

Callie is still holding her phone to her phone in a limp hand. She looks blatantly panicky and a little sheepish.

Arizona, however, somehow got over the surprise with inhuman speed and is giving Callie a look saying 'Well? What the heck is my ex-wife doing on my front porch at three in the morning?' Arizona hangs up the call and clears her throat. "Callie?"

Callie blinks and seems to get a grip on her thoughts. "Yes. Well. This is also why I called you first."

Arizona still just looks expectantly at her. She's not even freaked out, if not anything, she's amused. Callie obviously doesn't see that and looks like a five-year old caught with her hand in a cookie jar.

"Yeah, uh, I dropped my stuff at Meredith's house and I thought I'd come and tell you in person that I'm back because uh, we have a daughter together." Callie cringes inwardly at herself. "Then I realised it's three in the morning when I got here and Sof's probably sleeping. Uh, if it's any consolation, you weren't supposed to see me in creepy stalker form on your front porch. Soooo…I called you instead to give you a heads-up because this time it's well…different. I'm back."

"Yes, I know you're back. You're standing in front of me at three in the morning."

Callie nods sheepishly, "I know, sorry." If Callie was honest with herself, her little speech at the airport played a big part in her epiphany. She wasn't aiming to pursue anything with Arizona, god, she didn't even dare think about that. She wanted to know if she meant as much to Arizona as she does to her, and she wanted to stay. She just needed a push. To _stay_. And Arizona would usually see right past that and know that she really just wants a reason to _stay_. But then she got back to New York and she doesn't need a _reason_ to stay. She's freaking Callie Torres, she moved on for her own happiness and she will very well do this if only for the sake of her own happiness. "I meant it, I'm back." She savours those words rolling off her tongue. " _I'm back_."

Arizona stands stunned for what seems like a million years. She lets those words dawn on her too. "Oh," she says, "You're _back_."

> _Oh, heaven on earth is a hell of a place,_
> 
> _No one can judge me for trying to get back._


	16. Chapter 16

_**DON'T DREAM IT'S OVER** _

_**Crowded House** _

It isn't easy to be loved time and time again. It's even harder when Callie climbed the years, and saw that break-ups around her became more indifferent then painful.

When Penny and her broke up, the redhead had taken her out to a cheerful restaurant. Penny generously ordered hot pot and they both sat down and had this last meal. Callie knew the direction they were heading, and when Penny licked her chopsticks clean and told her, "This is it for us," Callie had nodded and lifted her can of beer as a last toast to their ending relationship.

It was probably the first goodbye where she hugged the other person and didn't sink into a miserable puddle on the side of the road. She didn't know whether to be ashamed, scared, or proud. As much as her huge heart didn't work in her favour in the past, she didn't want to turn into what she sees all around either. She didn't want to become those indifferent people who washed down one-night stand after one-night stand with vodka, and who walked out of relationships like they didn't just spend eighteen months waking up with that person.

It was so hard to be _Callie_ again.

But now, crouched over this horrible speech that she still can't seem to make work, Callie knows she made the right decision to come back. Maybe this isn't _home_ , and maybe she won't ever find a place that feels exactly like home again, but that's probably okay. Seattle and Grey-Sloan is as close to the feeling of home she might ever get, and that's okay. She might not have an entirely well-scripted explanation on her decision of coming back, but hey, this is her life, and she can do whatever she wants with it as long as Sofia stays safe and happy.

And boy, was Sofia _really_ happy when she woke up and saw her Mami sitting in the living room downstairs.

And everything makes absolutely no sense all the time. She can't ever think too hard about anything, because that just makes it make even less sense. They're good people. All of them. But bad things always seem to happen to good people. The good people who are genius residents with photographic memory or good people who are plastic surgeons who do mountains of pro-bono surgeries every year. Bad things never happen to people who pop into Seattle and put more focus and concentration into screwing a married surgeon suffering from PTSD (and said person also _knew_ said surgeon was married with a daughter) than fixing a baby's face (which is supposed be her goddamn job). Because what _human_ could even want to do that? _Why_?

Or maybe bad things do happen to those people, only that they don't look like bad things, they only look like things that should happen. Maybe bad things only seem _so terribly bad_ when they happen to good people.

And Callie still has so many questions like that. All those questions she asked herself while she sat at the boarding gate for a flight to Seattle, all those questions that peppered her until she almost grabbed her passport and bolted out of the airport. But she won't admit to how when she thought about Arizona, everything made a little more sense.

Maybe everything never makes sense, and maybe it never will, but Callie always sees a little more sense when Arizona is there. Everything just makes a little more sense.

That's probably when she caved into herself. While she was standing in front of the face smile the flight attendant was giving her as she hauled her suitcase over a crack on the perfect tiles of the airport floor.

She finally decided to listen to her twenty-something self, and stopped spending all her time wondering what she is, who she likes or whether it's right for it's right for her or wrong for her. She's just letting herself be happy.

She's finally chasing that feeling of a sixteen-year-old who doesn't know what loss is.

If only she could see that it also applies to the pair of blue eyes with a bouncing knee in the first-floor supply closet. If only she knew that that pair of blue eyes is fiddling with the corners of her lab coat, mulling over all the possibilities of what everything's become.

If only.

Unfortunately, Callie is once again completely engrossed in the piles of paper spread around her, occasionally scribbling more notes along the margins and adding sentences here and there. The weight of the TED talk is practically squashing her into a Spanish curse-spewing pancake with gorgeous hair.

A slightly weird picture, to be honest.

Bailey and Owen all but crash into the conference room, holding a tray of espresso and a bulging paper bag. "Torres! Feed yourself!"

Callie doesn't even bother to lift her head from her papers, "The TED talk is in a week! A WEEK!" She groans in frustration and balls up a paper, chucking it to Owen's head. "What were they thinking, inviting me with barely a month's notice?!"

"Whoa." Owen dodge the paper easily, catching it in his right hand, "Chill out Torres." He pulls a few muffins and donuts out of the paper bad and slides one in front of her, "Here."

Callie looked up from her speech for the first time in hours and almost yells, "Chill out?! Hunt, _chill out?_ " She stops and puts a hand over her eyes to calm the dizzying stars that shot out of nowhere when she whipped her head up, "Yeah, no. I'm not chilling out."

"Fine. Then eat something at least. We're not going to have you passing out on us a week from your TED talk."

Callie grumbles at Bailey, but snatches up a coffee and a muffin grudgingly. "There's enough doctors here to go around if I ever need a resuscitation or something."

Bailey glares at her, and Callie slides down in her chair, judging it better to just shut up and eat her muffin. "We're not wasting my doctors over something you basically forced yourself into. We're short on a few doctors in certain departments anyways."

Callie swallows her mouthful of blueberry muffin too quickly and coughs. When she finally catches a breath, she looks up at Bailey and wheezes, "Departments?" She clears her throat, trying to sound surer in herself, "Like…maybe…ortho?"

Bailey knows exactly where she's getting at, and she snickers. "Hmm." She pretends to think deeply, "I think so. I'm not sure though. I'll have to check, since I might have a few applications for ortho positions." Bailey steals a glance at Callie, who's looking even paler than before and suppresses a second snicker. She loves teasing Callie. "Ohh…I think I remember one from a certain…Link something? And a Nico whatever?"

"I-I was meaning to apply f-for," Callie shakes her head, clearing her thoughts and stutter. Putting on a more confident face, she says, "For ortho here. Because, you know, I'm coming back this time. For good."

Bailey raises an eyebrow, "Really?"

"Yes." Callie gives her a tentative smile.

"Huh. I will consider that."

"O-Okay."

Owen watches their exchange with amusement, sipping his own coffee and munching quietly on a donut. When Bailey sits back and fiddles with the emails in her phone painfully slowly, he finally says, "Bailey."

She looks up at him and he gives her a look that says 'really?' Bailey smirks and shrugs but puts her phone down and turns back to Callie, who is buzzing with nerves. "Torres, of course you get a job here, I was just winding you up."

Callie slumps into her chair, groaning. She blows a bit of hair out of her face and glares at Bailey, "You're evil."

"No I'm not. Now, join us in Wednesday morning so I can introduce the new head of ortho to everyone who doesn't know you yet."

"Thanks, Miranda." Callie says and pushes her rolling chair to Bailey and engulfing her in a big hug, disregarding Bailey's protests. "Okay, now, Owen, will you please, please, _please_ help me with the robotic leg part of the speech?"

He grins and takes a seat facing Callie, "Let's do this then, Dr. Torres."

//

Making Callie present once in the auditorium of their own hospital before she got to the actual TED talk was Bailey and Meredith's idea. So despite their helpfulness during the whole preparation, Callie is extremely ready to wring both their necks right about now. They had said that the hospital could use her fresh ideas in contrast to the depressing string of drama that always seem to be pestering the hospital incessantly.

And that's how Callie ended up sprawled on the chairs of the conference room for the third time this week. It's been some time since she's stepped up (or rather, resumed) her position at Grey-Sloan, and she's got to admit, the first few days passed by surprisingly well. There were scrub nurses and older residents that practically jumped onto her with hugs and welcome backs. Apparently, after she left, no more ortho goddesses (or gods) roamed the halls of the hospital, and trauma cases were hard to distribute, not to mention the mess the newer attendings seem to cause.

Callie had loved re-establishing her presence with the new (and rather arrogant) ortho guys. She had paid them a good slap to the egos with her first case back, replacing a tibia and a radius with titanium plates after they were somehow shredded by a wood-chipper. She had shown them the one and only Ortho Goddess, and she's also gained some new intern fans, though admittedly, she didn't pay much attention to them, letting the residents handle most of their young intern drama.

Callie wakes with a yelp when Bailey slams a large cup of coffee down in front of her face and the hot liquid splashes onto her arm. Nursing her burning elbow, she glares at Bailey. "Can't you wake me with a bit of compassion next time?"

"I'm the chief of surgery, not a babysitter, Torres."

Callie scowls at Bailey and throws a pen that was squished under her arm at her, "I hate you."

Bailey smirks, "You love me." She finishes her own coffee and plops down on the chair next to Callie, "Now, how many times have you rehearsed that speech with Hunt yesterday?"

"So many times I can probably say it half-asleep. I barely register the words when I say them anymore."

"Great!" Bailey claps her on the back, "You're ready for the auditorium speech this afternoon then?"

Callie groans, "No. I know it like the back of my hand, but whenever more than six people listen to me while I say it, I blank out."

Bailey looks at her sympathetically for a minute, and in a much gentler voice says, "It'll be fine, Torres. Most of the people here love you already anyways."

"But what if I embarrass myself again in front everyone? At least last time Alex helped me out, this time no one can!"

"Well…Hunt and I have listened to you spew that speech enough times that I pretty much know it by heart too."

Callie looks up hopefully, "Do you think you can pass off as me at the TED talk?"

Bailey rolls her eyes and pulls Callie up from her chair with surprising strength. "Come on, let's go to the auditorium to prepare for that speech."

As Callie goes over her speech one more time with Bailey staring at her with scary intensity from the front row, Alex and Meredith bounce excitedly into the auditorium. Callie stumbles over her words immediately, earning another glare from Bailey.

"Alex! Mer!" Callie calls, "The speech starts at four!"

Alex shrugs, "We know. We wanted to drop by earlier and help you prepare and stuff."

"We also heard somewhere that you tend to hurl before speeches. Since Alex is an egotistical jerk, I can hold your hair back while you puke."

Callie rolls her eyes, "Thanks a lot Mer. Really helpful."

"You're welcome!"

Callie swallows hard. _You are a world-renowned, bad ass, hardcore ortho goddess. You got this._ She swallows again, attempting desperately to make her mouth taste like something else than sandpaper. She turns her back to Meredith and Alex, who are now laughing at something Bailey said, and mumbles the speech to herself again. _Hello, I'm Callie Torres…_

When she turns around again, she's surprised by a huddle of familiar faces in the front rows. She was so intent on going over her speech that she completely missed her friends coming in and settling into the first rows. Meredith somehow ended up at the far end of the first row, glancing nervously at Deluca who's glancing just as nervously her way. April somehow managed to sneak Matthew into the auditorium, and she's practically sitting on his lap, grinning like a lovesick teenager. Callie gulps at the sight of even more people wanting to hear her talk. Meredith's old seat is now occupied by Jo, and it seems although her and Alex's honey phase haven't worn out yet, since her hand is visibly somewhere…down south. Bailey is scaring a couple of interns that tried to take the seat beside her shitless, and Callie presumes that she saved that seat for Ben. Richard is leaning onto the armrest with a proud smile, two seats down the second row.

Finally, Callie's eyes give up darting around aimlessly and lands on the most familiar face sitting just a bit off to the left of the middle of the second row. Maybe it's the lights on the ceiling, or maybe it's Callie's three large cups of coffee, but she could swear that Arizona's hair is downright _glowing_. At least, that's the only half-way reasonable explanation that can be offered on why the corners of her eyes keep registering Arizona's presence no matter where Callie looks.

Arizona and her kept a mostly… _kind_ association for the past week, ever since Callie showed up randomly in the middle of the night, announcing her arrival back in Seattle. They kept their conversations to the bare minimum, but they were both friendly, understanding, just teetering on the thin ledge of awkward and professional. They took turns taking Sofia to school, and they even managed to pass an entire afternoon in the park while managing to get by with barely five sentences said to each other. Callie could tell something was on Arizona's mind, and she itched to ask her what's wrong, to _hug_ her, to comfort her…but that isn't her place anymore.

And she just keeps getting reminded of that whenever Arizona gives her that super magic smile and Callie knows that she can't see it whenever she wants to.

Shifting her gaze away, she walks offstage as more doctors start to pour in the doors of the auditorium. Bailey and Richard are waiting for her on the dark side of the suspicious boxes that were lurking backstage ever since the first time she came back here. No one really knows why they're there, and no one really bothers to clean them up, as they usually offered the surgeons a place to hop on and sit while waiting for their turn onstage.

"In…" Bailey squints at her the clock on the far side of the room, "Three minutes, Torres! In three minutes and you'll be showing off your magic to every young little intern and resident gawking lovingly at you!"

Callie groans, "I don't particularly like the gawking part."

"Just go with the flow. You'll do just fine."

Owen somehow stumbled in on their small gathering, and he adds, "Yeah, and if you ever lose track of your thoughts, just blink really fast and I'll shout something to get you back on track."

Callie laughs, relaxing a little. "Thanks guys." Stuffing her hands into her lab coat pocket, she feels the key-chain jingle just the tiniest bit. She inhales, _she can do this_. She squeezes the rounded corners of the pill-shaped charm. _She has something to hold on to._

She makes her way to the edge of the stairs leading up to the shiny wood platform and takes a deep breath.

It's hard to imagine that the last time she was here, almost out of her mind with nerves, Arizona and her were still in the blossoming and new stage of their relationship. That stage where they would run into each other in the corridors and somehow end up in an on-call room with Arizona pinning Callie to the door. Where they had dance parties past midnight in Callie's living room, annoying the crap out of Cristina. Where they just simply couldn't get enough of each other (not that they ever really did) and they were young and wild and they had the opportunity to do stupid things together, and they took it. Like the time Callie had to walk around teaching interns with a raspy whisper because she had lost her voice from screaming Arizona's name the night before.

She shakes her head; it really isn't the time to think about these things. And she forgot when, but all her timelines were counted by things with Arizona, especially the things that had nothing to do with them at all. Like how Cristina and Owen moved out when _Arizona and her had that night out_ with Bailey and Teddy. Like how she got her attending position after _Arizona and her had that lunch_ on the bench overlooking the city's skyline. Like how Bailey and Ben first got together when _Arizona and her got their matching necklaces_.

And as she takes a quivering step on the stairs, she also remembers how each of her successes leading her up to this speech all are closely entwined with Arizona. Like when her cartilage first turned solid, Arizona was there, munching away on their favourite Chinese takeout, and was probably even more excited than Callie herself. When she gave a boy a leg and a ballet career with a cadaver bone, Arizona was right there on the case with her. When she started the vets' bionic leg project, she carried it out with the hope that one day Arizona could benefit. When she finished that very project, she carried it out with the hope that no other families will be torn up the way theirs's were because of the same tragedies Arizona had to endure.

It's like no matter how far she moved on, Arizona was right there with her. Callie can't shake off the thoughts of her in the palms of her hands, in the crevices of her nails, and hanging on the tips of her eyelashes. It's like Arizona was always a part of her. That what makes Callie _Callie_ is closely tangled with what makes Arizona _Arizona_.

Not in the clingy, creepy way. In a steady, subtle, everlasting way. Most of the time, she barely notices it.

Callie wobbles unsteadily onto the stage, blinking at the bright lights that always shine directly into her face no matter how many times she complains to Bailey about them.

She takes another deep breath (it must be the sixth she's taken this minute). _You are confident, you are great, and you will absolutely not be scared out of your wits._

She was most definitely scared out of her wits.

But Arizona is there. That already makes Callie's breathing steady a bit. She could lose the world if it means that Arizona can be there to see it. Callie scans the crown of white lab coats and blue scrubs, taking in all the bright smiles and awaiting faces. They're all here to listen to her. To learn from her. To see her success.

She didn't even talk yet and her throat is already feeling raw and croaky.

God, she needs water.

She closes her eyes and grips the remote control of the power-point on the screen behind her. This is also why she was so scared. This isn't thousands of strangers listening to a surgeon talk about her scientific stuff. These are people she grew up with, people she looks up to, people that look up to her, people she's shared the worst years of her life with. And when people say 'never forget where you come from', this is what they talk about. Because for a moment, this isn't scary anymore, and this is Seattle Grace all over again, with a little resident Callie Torres dancing around in the basement and dreaming about moments like this.

Even when the face of the hospital so drastically changed, even when the front desks are blue instead of that ugly beige, even when half of the good old doctors are gone, Grey-Sloan will always hold Seattle Grace in it for the people who were there since the beginning.

Because Seattle Grace, that's where it all started. Not the fancy hospital now, but _Seattle Grace_. That's where Callie came from, that's where she grew up, that's what she thinks about when she finally says the first words of the introduction of her speech.

Callie pushes on, and it's really like they say, when you practice enough, you don't even need to think about the words as you say them. She still doesn't dare look at the faces of the people beneath the stage for very long at a time, though, and she definitely will need to try to improve on that. Now, she is observing the third beam on the ceiling, and trying to sound as relaxed as possible.

Somewhere along the way, she actually relaxed. Maybe it's the years that did her good, or maybe it's the faint feeling of belonging on this stage, but she started walking around, gesturing and waving her arms. She might even be grudgingly _enjoying_ herself. Callie searches the crowd with her eyes, but she can't, for the life of her, see Arizona anywhere.

At last, Callie stops at the middle of the stage, and gives the audience a huge grin and utters her final thank you.

Callie was prepared for radio silence, and she was prepared for clapping, maybe even a few cheers from Alex and Owen if she didn't stutter furiously, but Callie was _not_ prepared for the whole auditorium to stand up.

From on the stage, all she can see is a wave of surgeons and a roar of applause ferociously rolling off of them. Standing frozen in place on the stage, it's like Callie floated out of her body, watching the scene from third-person. The cheers are not one bit less fierce than the applause, and she's almost positive that she can hear Alex's voice shouting "This is one even more to celebrate, Torres!" And sure enough, when she finds him in the flailing arms, Jo is smacking him on the head.

Frankly, Callie feels like she can endure ten more TED talks, because those talks are maybe the most important speeches, but this hospital and this auditorium, this is what really matters. The recognition from her colleagues and students and teachers matter so much more than a world-renowned talk. The very recognition she gets form beating one of her greatest fears. She just made an inspiring speech in front _everyone_.

All this clapping, all this cheering, all this honour, it's all for _her_. This is what people talk about when they say adrenaline, this is _the climb to the top_. This is what _glory_ looks like.

_Pure, raw, in-your-face glory._

A couple of sharp whistles make their way out from the crowd too, and they pull Callie out of her daze just enough to bow deeply and say a last thank you.

Callie takes in this view one last time as the roar turns into a patter, and the ripple of applause dies last in the second row. There, _right there_ , in the second row, she sees Arizona now. Arizona is looking at her the biggest smile Callie had ever seen.

Arizona looks so proud.

Arizona looks so _sad_.

She's looking at Callie like she knows exactly what Callie was thinking about right before she got onto the stage. She's looking at Callie like she knows how much Callie wishes for things to be different too.

It's probably because of all of the excited faces of surgeons already buzzing with discussion about this latest speech that Arizona stands out even more with her melancholy. Callie is sure that Arizona has just the beginnings of a tear at the corners of her eyes.

Arizona looks so _sad_ , even when she's smiling so freaking big.

Callie says her last thank you's again as the auditorium quieted down a little now, and she tries to smile as sincerely as possible in Arizona's direction. Just because they aren't much of anything anymore doesn't mean that she can't acknowledge just how much Arizona matters. Arizona will _always_ matter. Callie will _always_ care.

Always.

//

When Arizona had told Callie that she sincerely hoped that Callie was better off without her, she really meant it.

When Arizona saw the light fall on Callie's face in the auditorium, she really thought that Callie was the most beautiful thing that could ever exist.

When Callie talked about her cartilage, Arizona couldn't help but wipe a small tear from her eye. She couldn't be prouder if she wanted to.

When the lights dimmed and Callie laughed and said her final thank you and the crowed roared, Arizona was sure that this could count as one of the happiest moments of her life.

And seeing Callie accomplish what she knows is one of her dreams, Arizona couldn't stop her eyes from watering. She remembers the nights where Callie worked away on her cartilage in her lab, completely forgetting to eat until Arizona brought takeout after her shift. She remembers the night her cartilage turned solid, and the night Callie's bionic leg and arm moved with one of her patients.

Callie finally has hundreds of faces looking up to her, she finally has hundreds of hands clapping for her, she finally has hundreds of voices cheering for her, and they finally lost each other.

They finally lost each other, in this crowd of people. They finally lost each other, when Callie finally felt the glory of her success.

But Arizona is standing here, still clapping. She sees Callie smiling almost shyly, and she smiles too. She smiles so big her face hurts, because their anger wears out eventually anyways. Whatever that anger was covering for, it's in her smile now. They always got angry so easily, and now, Arizona sees what Richard meant. Only Callie matters enough for her to feel so much. Feel so much that the only way they know how to make up for it is _anger_.

Somehow, the universe thought that making two stubborn and hot-tempered people fall hopeless in love was a good idea.

And she understands Callie's haziness regarding…whatever they are now. And maybe Callie doesn't find it that hard to pretend like they're okay, to pretend that they're nothing more than nothing, to act like they don't get the urge to slam the other against the wall and kiss like there's no tomorrow, because when they're kissing, that's exactly what it feels like. But even if the chance is so, _so_ slim, she will _not_ settle for 'Callie and Arizona' to be the story of star-crossed lovers tragically spending the rest of their lives secretly in love and leaving it at that.

They're not over.

See, she is tired of this acting. They're surgeons, not _actors_.

When did they hit their bottom lines only to push it farther?

And Arizona, forced onto this stage of fake greetings and small nods and longing glances, she doesn't like it bit. Even if they aren't anymore, they were in love once, and that should be reason enough for honesty. Honesty for yesterday, today and tomorrow.

Arizona hates this running around in small circles and causing more headache you're running from anyway. Not that she's done any less than _a lot_ of that. She just realises it now.

Callie isn't someone you should or can float around, barely touching. She is a person you either admire from very far away, silently and mute, for your whole life, or a person you get swirled into with no remorse, red-hot, anarchic and chaotic, and who you burn with in the pure fire of being so painfully alive. Callie isn't someone you can do half-way with; no.

Callie is all or nothing.

Really, Arizona can pretty easily see through Callie's performance, and she can see that Callie can't really let everything go either. And really, 'I can't live without you' is just another romantic bluff. Anyone can live without anyone and do just fine.

But like Callie said, it's _just fine_.

And this time, Arizona is not settling for _just fine_.

Not when her _best_ is right there.

When the lights turn on in the auditorium again, and Callie disappeared from the stage, Arizona stands up. She files out of the doors with the rest of the chattering staff and heads straight for Joe. She will need a drink for this next part.

If Callie is too scared or too wary or too respectful, then so be it. Arizona is all for reaching her hand out, if Callie will take it. Because _they are not over_.

//

It's too early in the evening for a good celebration at Joe's, but Meredith insisted that no matter how late they get off tonight, they will pick Callie up and have a decent, heated, all-out celebration with lots of tequila.

Despite Meredith's many insistences, Callie opted to not stay at her house when she got back from New York. Instead, a few days before she came back, she sent Bailey to check out a small apartment not too far from the hospital and Meredith's. It was out for rent, and it makes for a nice enough place to stay in while she searches for a more permanent house. Or maybe she'll just stay in this apartment. Because it _is_ really nice.

She shipped most of her stuff to the building a day before she got back, and when she wasn't preparing for her big speech, she unpacked the boxes. Thankfully, Callie's moved often enough to have developed a knack for unpacking, especially since she never had that many boxes anyway.

Now, lounging around in her apartment with no more boxes, a glass of wine, and a faintly sleepy Sofia, Callie finally takes the moment to bask in the afterglow of…everything. Bailey gave her the evening off, seeing the toll the whole preparation took on her, and she picked up Sofia from school, making dinner for the both of them.

They had just finished watching a movie, and Sofia very nearly dozed off towards the end credits. Her little girl looked so happy and peaceful curled up on the couch that Callie doesn't have the heart to wake her. Instead, she drains her wine and carries her to the bedroom and tucks her up nicely between the sheets. Usually, Callie occupies the master bedroom (which is still small, considering her apartment), but when Sofia is around and spending the night, she sleeps in the sofa-bed in the other room or sprawled out right next to Sofia. Maybe she was strict with Sofia sometimes, but no way she's letting her sleep in anything less than a big, comfortable bed.

She places a soft kiss on Sofia's forehead. Since Cristina returned to Switzerland only a few days after Callie left last time, Meredith and Alex have both been looking forward for a night out with everyone. Just for old times' sake or whatever, and celebrating Callie's speech is the perfect opportunity.

Life is very, _very_ fine right now.

Callie hears three knocks on the door just as she finishes washing her glass in the sink. Drying her hands quickly on a towel in the kitchen, she calls out, "Just a minute, Meredith!"

She bounds over to the door with the towel still in her hands. She would have to invite Meredith to stay for a bit while she changed. Callie jumps over a piece of Lego at the last second and almost crashes face first into door. Cursing under her breath, she throws open the door, "Bloody hell, Mer. I'm telling you; children are _dangerous_. I don't how you do it with three but—"

The towel slides from her hand as she sees the person at the door.

"Arizona."

Finally getting her jaw to close, Callie laughs nervously and bends down to pick up the towel at her feet. "Hey, uh, Sofia just went to bed, I didn't know you wanted to visit or pick her up so I um, carried her to my bed. But I guess we can go wake her up." She shifts her weight between her feet, "I thought Meredith called everyone out for drinks tonight?" Callie clears her throat, regaining some composure. The 'drinks' are probably the reason Arizona has a black tank top on, and probably the reason Callie turned into a babbling teenager when she opened the door. "But come on in if you want."

Arizona smiles and shakes her head. She has a little more courage now that she saw Callie's slack-jawed expression when she opened the door. Or maybe the courage came from the two beers she had before coming, who knows. "No, I'm okay, thank you."

Seeing Callie off the stage of the auditorium has a little bit of a surreal feeling to it. Not that she doesn't know Callie personally ( _very_ personally, too), or like Callie some sort of famous celebrity. No. Just that Callie's standing there in her grey sweater and twisting a towel nervously between her hands, and Arizona feels very lucky to be the one to see her like this. And she feels very lucky supposing that she's the reason Callie can go from bad ass to softy in a matter of seconds.

Arizona smiles again, taking in Callie one last time before she spills everything she has to say and makes this irreversible. She gestures behind her, "My cab is still waiting; I'm just dropping by."

"Oh, okay."

"Okay." Arizona looks at her feet, then looks back up at Callie. She locks their gazes and thrives on the little flip her stomach still does over the years. "Well, I'm not here to ask you for anything. We know we're past the point of asking, I'm just telling now."

Callie is a little confused, still a bit dazed at finding Arizona standing in the hallway of her apartment. Arizona's eyes are still filled with so much, _so much_ , and Callie still can't help but believe that they alone were worth everything they went through. She just nods and lets her continue.

Arizona gulps, she had a whole thing down cold. She even practised her breathing in front of her bathroom mirror when she took her shower. It's almost like Callie's fear of public speaking is contagious, because Arizona is left with nothing but a blank head and sweaty palms. "So." _Breathe in, breath out_. "I read in a magazine last week that there's a science dude somewhere thinks the universe will eventually end. Then some force and gravity and stuff like that will happen, and the universe will repeat itself all over again." Callie is suddenly very aware of her arms. And her legs. And how she's standing. She's listening to Arizona, but her nerve endings are way too aware of what she's doing. Or rather, what she doesn't know she is doing.

Arizona continues, her smile smaller, softer, now. "And I thought, well, we'll meet again then. And maybe the next time, or the next life, or the next whatever, we'll get it right."

Callie slumps a little too, "Yeah." Somehow, she isn't completely freaked out by Arizona showing up so suddenly at her door.

"But that's still not due for a couple of billion years and I don't want to wait that long. I was happy for the past two years, I think. But that happiness was missing a bit of fire. I had romance for the past two years, too. But that romance was missing a bit of reality. See, this is me here, but I'm not asking for anything." She's not going to tell she loves her, or that she is falling for her. She's not asking for _anything_. Callie opens the door a bit wider.

"Arizona."

Arizona lifts a finger, "Nuh-uh, don't interrupt, Calliope. I'm going to lose my train of thought. I uh…I'm sorry for just showing up, but I mean, you showed up at three in the morning, so between us, I think I have the better timing."

They both chuckle awkwardly, and Arizona feels lighter. It's either the alcohol kicking in, or it's her on-a-roll-ing and refusing to stop until she finishes. "You know, it's not that I lead women along for the sake of it. I don't lead, I do one-nights or for a couple of dates. But…turns out, none of them are you, and that was a problem." Arizona sighs, her mind cooperating and making a little slideshow of their happier days in her mind.

_When Callie danced in the kitchen, Arizona always joined her._

_Driving down the highway with the windows down, and listening to Callie singing along to the lyrics of whatever lame song that popped up on the radio._

_They went out, hunting for Christmas trees, and ending up buying a ton of useless Christmas lights that were way too long to put up anywhere._

_The way Arizona loved watching scary movies only to get to have a terrified Callie making hundreds of excuses for Arizona to stay over. And Callie absolutely hating watching horror movies but watching them anyway because that meant Arizona would stay over._

"I'm still not asking for anything, Calliope. I know everything is insanely complicated, and I understand how our history isn't the best romance story. But I don't want history to be all you leave me. And frankly, for me, right now, it's simple." Arizona swears she sees Callie giving her _that_ look again. The look where she can probably survive the apocalypse if Callie would just keep looking at her that way. "This isn't a big declaration of any kind, but if you want to come back, Calliope…I'm here."

Arizona smiles and repeats it, "I'm here. For you."

Callie blinks slowly.

"And since the last time I showed up at the door of your apartment, you slammed the door in my face, I'm going to just go now." Arizona chuckles, "But, er, yeah. I'm here."

Callie stops Arizona with a sharp… _something._ Something between a grunt and a panicked yelp. When Arizona turns back with a raised eyebrow, Callie looks down. _What the hell._ She gulps, and goes with herself. "I do."

"You do?"

"I do. I want to come back." Callie licks her lips, "So…would it be appropriate or really, really weird if I kissed you right now?"

Arizona turns her body back towards the apartment, a way wider smile spreading over her face. "Well, Calliope, with my very professional judgement, I deem it appropriate enough."

Callie lifts her head and takes a step closer to Arizona. "Good."

"Good."

They kiss.

Callie's hands are woven in Arizona's hair, and Arizona's hands landed on Callie's hips. Everything is gentle, slow, and deliberate. Everything is _soft_. It's almost like they're nervous.

Neither of them takes it any further than a slow kiss. It's only the soft feeling of their lips moving ever so slightly. And it feels _natural_. _So natural._

Callie shifts her right hand closer to her, and swipes her thumb over Arizona's cheek. She feels Arizona smiling into the kiss, and she smiles too.

Arizona pulls away and opens her eyes, letting her nose rest on Callie's. "So…" She lands another small kiss on Callie's lips.

Callie sighs and drops her head on Arizona's shoulder. She takes a few deep breaths, feeling lighter than she has in a long time. Her head fits so perfectly in the crook of Arizona's shoulder, and she misses this so much. She misses everything about Arizona, really. "This is us saying we'll…work on us again, right?" Callie holds herself back from asking 'this is not another one-night conquest?'. But even if she were, she probably won't even push Arizona away after this.

"Yes. This is having an 'us' again."

"Okay," Callie croaks. She tightens her arms around Arizona's neck. She's not quite ready to let go yet. She couldn't care less if someone passes and sees them holding on to each other like life vests. Right now, all that matters is Arizona.

Feeling a hot wetness on her shoulder, Arizona whispers, "Don't cry, Callie."

"I'm not crying."

Despite herself, she chuckles at Callie's stubbornness that not unlike Sofia's. "Really?" Callie lifts her head and nods. Arizona detaches an arm from around Callie's waist and wipes away a stream on fresh tears from Callie's face. "Then what's this?"

"Crap." Callie shakes her head, still keeping her arms wrapped tightly around Arizona. She ducks her head back into Arizona's neck. "You're crying too, you know."

Arizona blinks, and realises Callie is right. She _is_ crying. "Oh."

"It's okay." Callie releases a long, shuddering breath, "I miss you."

"Me too, me too. You have me now. You can say that in the past tense after today."

"Good."

They remain silent for a few minutes until Callie mumbles again, "This isn't a dream, right?"

Arizona smiles, "No. This is real."

"You probably go apologise to your cab for making him so long." Callie finally pulls back further, but still keeping her arms loosely wrapped around Arizona. "Stay. Mer will drive us to Joe's."

"Okay."

When Arizona climbs to Callie's floor again, she sees Callie still there, leaning against the wall. She steps in front of her, unable to stop the small smile that's still on both their faces.

"We'll talk about us more, right?"

Arizona nods, "We will. But not today. You have your Ted talk coming up, Callie. Once you finish that, maybe we'll go with the flow and talk when we get to it, maybe we'll sit down and talk." She grins, "But first, I'll take you on a date."

Callie brightens considerably, "A date, huh?"

"A date."

"God, that'll probably be the one thing that gets me though Ted."

Arizona giggles, "Good to know."

Callie grins too. It's unbelievable how much her life has switched rails in the last hour. From a renowned speech to having another chance with Arizona, she could tentatively say she has it all. "Sofia's sitter should arrive in ten, and Meredith said that her shift just ended while you were downstairs." Callie pauses for a moment, "Do you…want to wait to tell people?"

Arizona thinks about it for a moment, "Yeah, I think that would be best. We're not the only ones in this anymore. We have Sofia."

"We'll tell Sofia first when it comes to it, then."

"Yes."

"One more thing," Callie says.

Arizona nods, telling her to go on.

"You're going to pinkie promise me that we're both in this. All the way."

If it's possible, Arizona just grins even wider. At this point, her cheeks kind of hurt, but there's no way she can wipe this smile off her face. She holds out her hand, "Pinkie promise."

Callie links their pinkies together, swaying their hands from side to side, although that would enforce their promises.

Still grinning at their joined hands, Arizona adds, "And no running. Even when it gets hard."

"Agreed. Excluding anymore trauma we get shoved our way, because for some reason, that's all we get, no one is leaving."

"And no one is hiding anything."

"And we'll always talk about it, whatever it might be."

Arizona clicks her tongue loudly. "Deal sealed!"

Callie copies Arizona, clicking her tongue too, "Deal sealed!"

They let their hands fall to their sides again.

They stand, just looking at each other. It's been too long since they've just _looked_ at each other without the fear of seeming creepy or pushy. And it feels like privilege just to be able to admire each other so openly, knowing the other is doing just that too.

Looking at Arizona should be a tourist attraction in Seattle, because _damn_ , Callie finds it way better than any crappy ferry boats that still tend to crash, as long as Seattle Grace Mercy Death is involved.

Callie reaches her hand over and passes her hand through Arizona's now shorter hair. She always loved when it came right to her chin; it reminds her of the night they met. Arizona's still wearing that ridiculous grin like a medal, and reaches her hand towards Callie too, tracing a soft line down her jawline, and up again. The gentle touch sends shivers down Callie's spine.

And she's so insanely happy that she doesn't have to avoid those shivers anymore. She can proudly and shamelessly say that Arizona Robbins can SO turn her on with a barely-there touch.

Callie sighs, "For the record, I'm so glad this is real."

Arizona steps closer and her eyes are downright twinkling in the dim lights of the hallway. "Me too. I'm so glad there's going to an 'us' again." She wiggles her eyebrows, "If you couldn't see, just thinking about it makes me giddy."

Callie laughs, and Arizona steps in for one last peck on the lips. Leaning back, they both take one more second to bask in this light.

When she finally pulls Arizona into her apartment to get ready for the celebrations right when the sitter arrives, Callie is _this close_ to burst into song. Or do a grand-jeté across the living floor. Or pirouette into her bedroom.

She didn't even know she needed this until she had it. She didn't even know time, albeit not healing, could mend until it took away everything and only left Arizona's good behind.

And she didn't even know she was lonely until she saw Arizona's nervous face when she threw open her door.

Because they aren't over. Maybe they're just beginning again.

Maybe in Alex's or Bailey's words—they finally pulled their heads out of their asses.

> _But you'll never see the end of the road_
> 
> _While you're travelling with me_
> 
> _Hey now, hey now_
> 
> _Don't dream it's over._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I'm way late since the peak Calzona era is long past us (Wow, it's been so long. Now I'm just sad.), but in the wake of this chaotic year, I really hope this story can bring something to look forward to during these two, three months of summer for whoever is still reading.  
> Stay safe!


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, this is more of a plot-less chapter just letting them be happy. It’s basically fluff, nostalgia and beer. Can you tell I desperately miss the old grey’s? Seasons 5 – 8 were the holy glory years, man…  
> Also, y'all want M rated scenes in the future? Lemme know.

**_PART I - SPIRITS_ **

_The Strumbellas_

> _And I don’t want a never-ending life_
> 
> _I just want to be alive while I’m here._

Callie glances down shyly at their joined hands once they got in front of Callie’s wardrobe. “So…how fast are we going…exactly?” Arizona grins, still very dopey from their recent developments and lets Callie ramble on. “I mean, do we jump on right where we left on? Or do we start out like strangers again? Or-or-”

She closes her mouth before more of her word vomit could come out. Jesus.

Someone once said that the farthest distance in the world isn’t the north and south pole. The farthest distance is the world is when someone stands in front of you, but you don’t know that they love you. It’s corny and cheesy and mawkish and all Callie could think about when she opened the door to find Arizona there.

But whoever said that must’ve been knocked out right afterwards or something, because they forgot to mention the incredible exhilarating closeness that Callie could also feel when she blinks and finds that there is an ‘ _Arizona and Callie_ ’ again.

It’s probably like love songs. Only people who love with their silent unrequitedness write them.

Which is kind of stupid, in Callie’s opinion, because she’s positive that she’s inspired enough to shoot out ten different love songs right this moment with Arizona holding her hand. There really ought to be more happy love songs. 

“Okay, okay, take a breath.” Arizona tugs gently on Callie’s hand, already overly enjoying the feeling they fell into right away. It feels like coming home, as sappy as it sounds. “We’ll go as we like. Obviously, we don’t need to pretend like I don’t already know that you don’t eat eggs unless they’re completely cooked, and like you don’t already know exactly how I like my pancakes—which I am really looking forward to eating again, by the way—”

“Maybe you just want me back for the food?” Arizona punches Callie on the shoulder, making her giggle and apologise, “Sorry, sorry.” Arizona rolls her eyes and continues.

“—but we really never were very good at making relationships…go normally? So we should go slow this time. Well, excluding talking about everything that already happened…I want to experience everything with you all over again.” If it’s even possible, Arizona grins wider, and Callie looks giddier.

“We really did suck at relationships, didn’t we?”

Arizona laughs, “Oh we totally did. I mean, your ex-husband dying two weeks after we started dating each other?”

Callie laughs too, waving a defensive finger Arizona’s way. “And having a ‘whether or not to have kids’ dilemma while a psychotic shooter rampages the hospital.”

“And then having to leave for three years over a grant.”

“And then coming back anyway and almost giving me a heart attack.”

Arizona scowls, “I should’ve been the one having the heart attack! I came back and you had Sofia!” She pauses for a moment, then adds, “Though I did propose and then crash into a truck.”

“I guess so, but I still said yes.” Callie smiles sheepishly. Arizona can see her hesitating before hearing her say softly, “I really hope this time, we can have our happily ever after. I know that we laugh about these things now, Arizona, but they were pretty crappy.” Callie looks away, adding even in a softer voice, “But you know that they were still my best years because I was with you, right?”

“Aww. Callie Torres is getting all mushy. You’re mushy, Calliope! Mushy Callie!” She catches Callie’s eye right when it turns into a glare. Still wearing the biggest shit-eating grin, she says, “But I know. It was crappy but I minded that a lot less when I could come home to you and Sofia. And Mark, even.”

“Sweet, but I’m not mushy. I’m bad ass.” She frowns and even as her glowers falters, she persists solemnly. “I’m _super_ bad ass. I’m a rock star with a scalpel. I kick surgery ass. People are _scared_ of me.”

Arizona smirks and leans closer, letting her hot breath come out in little puffs over Callie’s ear. “I don’t remember you saying that when I was on top of you.”

She smirks bigger when she sees Callie gulp and squeak, “W-We’re taking this slow?”

Stepping back, Arizona nods and bats her eyelashes with excess innocence. “Yup. Taking this slow.”

“Cool.” Callie stammers, “Cool, cool, cool, cool. Very okay.”

“Great! Now go change, you smell hot and bothered and like public speaking nerves.”

“What does that even smell like?”

“Sweat.”

Callie pulls out a loose long sleeve, “Gee, thanks.”

“Your welcome.”

Callie rolls her eyes again, “You know, being around you makes my eyes roll way too much. One day, you’ll be so annoyingly chirpy that they’ll stick to the back of my head.”

Arizona just chuckles and throws a pair of jeans at Callie’s face. After they slid off her face, Callie makes a point to look at Arizona and roll her eyes in the slowest eye-roll Arizona’s ever seen.

Their banter comes so naturally to them, only being interrupted by small punches or sarcastic comments. Callie can’t count the times she rolled her eyes, but she’s secretly over the moon about how easily Arizona laughs and teases still.

“Here,” Callie throws the jeans back to Arizona, a playful scowl adorning her face, “I’m going to take a quick shower before Meredith gets here.”

“Now? You barely have ten minutes! It takes you ages to take a shower, Callie!”

Callie huffs, “I do not!”

“You really do.”

“I don’t!” Callie squints at Arizona, “I’ll be out in five minutes, tops.”

“Impossible! Even when you were late, you always took horrible long showers.”

Stalking towards the bathroom, Callie flips her hair overdramatically, “Time me! If I take longer, I’ll buy the first two rounds of drinks!”

“I’ll hold you to that,” Arizona calls after her retreating form, pulling out her phone.

The years weren’t particularly perfectly kind to the both of them. But to hear themselves still laughing and giggling and bickering like children in each other’s presence, it makes Callie so lighthearted she thinks she might just start floating.

She _floats_ into the bathroom, and as soon as the door clicks shut behind her, she scrambles to get out of her clothes with little elegance.

After almost slipping twice in the shower and tripping over the carpet to bump her elbow painfully into the sink, Callie pretty much said every curse she knows. No time for drying her hair; no way she’s losing this bet. Wrapping herself hastily in a robe, she frowns at the big mirror.

She looks different.

Well, apart from the obvious dazed grin that’s still stuck on her face like a mosquito stuck to a spider web, she looks… _sparkly_. Or maybe, as Cristina or Meredith would put it, she looks like bright and shiny people.

She shudders and tells herself that she isn’t shiny, happy, Izzie. But, despite of the slight embarrassment of finding herself _sparkling_ , Callie silently does a little dancing shuffle in her slippers just thinking about how high her spirits are soaring right now. Even after the shower, this high she is riding is so very well still there. If she downed three shots of tequila in one go, it wouldn't even come close to the buzzing and bubbling in her veins.

But right now, she is completely sober.

And she still has the buzz of ditsy excitement. _Without_ alcohol.

 _And it’s so freaking awesome_.

She takes one last second to appreciate the feeling of exhilarated anticipation before pulling on a serious I-so-won-this-bet face and stepping out of the bathroom.

“That was definitely under five minutes, Arizona.” Callie throws behind her shoulder as she goes to fumble for some good shoes in her closet, “So, how long was it?”

Sensing no answer, she frowns and turns around to see if Arizona was still there. “Arizona?”

Arizona is sitting on the edge of her bed, looking…weird. “Mmh?”

“Arizona? What’s wrong?” Just as the words leave her mouth, Callie sees Arizona’s tongue peaking out to unconsciously lick her lips. She flushes, her eyes wandering over the thin robe Callie threw over herself in her hurry to come out of the bathroom.

As she takes a shaky step towards Callie, Arizona manages to hoarsely croak, “That was…a little over six minutes.” Callie glances down and flushes the same shade of pink at the sight of her skimpy robe barely covering much of anything.

The raw desire spreads plain and clear over every inch of Arizona. It makes Callie’s knees quiver with that buzz even stronger. No one has ever looked at her with half as much _emotion_ as Arizona.

Taking another step closer, Arizona pulls Callie in by the hips and Callie helplessly lets herself be pulled in. _God_ , she can just feel Arizona’s fingers burning right into her skin. She couldn’t move away if she wanted to. She feels Arizona’s hands tighten on her sides, kneading the skin she comes across painfully slowly, and she inhales slowly, trying to calm the pounding heartbeat in her ears.

“Go change into some fucking clothes.” Arizona’s strangled whispers comes in a hot breath over Callie’s ears. “Please.”

Not seeing her move, Arizona’s hands tighten and climb to Callie’s waist. “Please. We’re…taking this… _slow_.”

Gulping and slowly prying herself away, Callie nods stiffly, and reaches for the shirt laying on the bed. Untying the little knot of her robe, she discards it and pulls the shirt on with lightening speed. Hearing a growl behind her, she turns around.

Before she got to say anything, she catches Arizona’s dark eyes, fixated on her in such an intense stare that she can feel the lust boring into her skin. Looking down, she flushes another shade darker when she sees that she completely ignored that she just threw her robe to the other side of the room.

Chuckling nervously, she says, “Come on, it’s not like it’s anything you haven’t seen before.”

Arizona groans again, squeezing her eyes shut, “Oh, _trust me_ , I know exactly how much I’ve seen. But standing there half naked is not helping our idea of taking it slow.” She takes a deep breath, and steadies her stance. “Uh…I’ll just keep my eyes closed while you finish changing.”

“Wow, self-control much, Robbins?”

Arizona opens one eye slowly, and her dark eyes sends an exciting shiver down Callie’s spine. “Go. Put. Something. On.” Callie nods, and Arizona growls, “Right now. Before I get there and take you right now.”

Arizona hears Callie pausing her scrambling and mumbling, “Do we really have to take this slow?”

As much as Arizona is itching to pin Callie against a wall, she laughs. “We’re trying to do this right, you know?”

“I know, I know.”

Arizona laughs again at Callie’s childlike grumbling, “Are you done?”

“Just a second…” She hears zipper being zipped up, and Callie says, “Okay, we’re all set.”

Arizona opens her eyes and takes in Callie’s outfit. Well, Callie could where anything (though preferably nothing, if she’s being honest) and look like the epitome of absolute beauty to Arizona. “Calliope, we should really start doing something else before we decide that we’re ditching the whole ‘taking it slow’.”

“Yup, yup, yup. We really should.”

“We sound like horny teenagers, don’t we?”

“Well, I haven’t had sex in six months, so I have a damn good reason.”

Arizona jaw drops. “In _six_ months?” She has no idea how _anyone_ can stand next to this woman and not want to jump her bones, much less go on a date with her and not hope for something more. That’s exactly what’s wrong (or rather, right) with Callie. Callie is never just a one-night stand that you can leave before the sun rises. Callie is someone who leaves you craving for more.

For more good coffee, more summer days, more laughter, more bike rides, more time, more _everything_.

From the moment Arizona kissed her in the dirty bar bathroom, even if it were nothing more than plain attraction, she knew that Callie’s was someone special. There are always people she meets, and ten seconds in, you already know that they are someone _special_ , platonic or romantic.

“Don’t look so surprised,” Callie says, slightly embarrassed, “The only person that went, uh, _south_ after Penny was a lawyer dude. He wasn’t exactly…satisfying, let’s say. And then after that I got really busy with finally pairing up veterans to the newly working robotic limbs so I didn’t go on plenty of dates.”

Arizona lifts an eyebrow and steps closer. Lowering her voice, she purrs, “Oh, you just wait. I’ll show you _satisfying_ when we get there.”

She steps back before her desire gets the better of her.

Because her desire somehow always gets the better of her around Callie.

She likes to think that it’s because she when she fell, she didn’t simply _fall_. Callie made her fall not only for Callie, but for everything else too. When she fell for Callie, she fell for the sweet minty aftertaste her toothpaste leaves in her mouth. She fell for the creaking of the window that only opens halfway, and she fell for the distant rumbling of car engines she hears at night. With Callie, she not only falls for a girl, but herself and her own life. And it was the best kind of falling.

When she fell, she also found the thrill of waking of every morning, and the excitement to go out and live. When she told Callie she loved her after she found her asleep on the couch with a box of donuts, she also knew that she loved herself, and who she was when she was around Callie. Callie was a new kind of light, the kind that lightened up places she didn’t even know were dark.

Callie licks her lips nervously and squeaks, “We should, uh, try and find some shoes. Yes. Shoes. Shoes are important.”

Arizona chuckles, enjoying the way she finds herself falling all over again right now. “Yes, let’s go find you some shoes, my lady.”

Just as Callie finds a pair of decent looking high boots, a jingling of keys and a loud voice makes itself known in the living room. Meredith greets the babysitter on the couch, and yells towards the bedroom, “Callie! I’m here!”

Callie and Arizona look at each other as they hear a quick scuffling and a huffed curse, “But apparently you’re not! Did you get ambushed by this piece of Lego on the floor too? _Callie_?”

Callie grabs her purse from the nightstand and rushes out of the bedroom, Arizona close on her heels. “Sorry Mer, I had to get a change of clothes and a quick shower.”

“Awesome. You ready to go and celebrate?” Meredith’s eyebrows shoot up to her hairline as she sees Arizona following Callie out of the bedroom. “Oh. Arizona. Hey.” She raises an eyebrow at Callie and purses her lips.

“Mind out of the gutter, Mer. Arizona was here to…” Callie hesitates, “to, er…”

“To spend some time with Sofia. I got off early today and stopped by.”

“Exactly.”

Meredith narrows her eyes and switches her gaze between the two of them. She considers them for a moment. “You guys just look…different.” She squints at Callie harder. “And Callie, you look…bright and shiny.”

Callie clasps her hands behind her back to hide her fiddling from Meredith and laughs nervously, “Uhh, I don’t.”

“You totally do!”

“I don’t! I just haven’t had my after-speech-consolation-coffee yet.”

“You are _so_ bright and shiny, Torres, don’t lie. Did me and Cristina’s twistiness finally wear off?”

“I guess so.” Callie shrugs, grateful that Meredith offered an explanation by herself. Immediately afterwards, she scowls. “I was never as dark and twisty as you and Cristina! I was…” She waves her hands around, “Uh, edgy and tough!”

“Huh. Good for you then.”

Arizona watches the exchange amusedly. She knew Callie and Meredith became somewhat friends while studying for Meredith’s boards, and she knew that they became really close during the separation, but this was the first time she saw them together, really, as friends. Best friends, even.

It’s crazy when she thinks about it, that she’s missed out on so much of Callie’s life, even when she was still in Seattle.

She winces inwardly at the thought of the separation. She mulled over everything so many times over the months following that it hurts her head whenever she thinks about it anymore. But still. Without those goddamn awful things, god knows where they would be. In a way, she guesses she should be thankful for most of what’s happened since it seemed to lead to where they are now anyway.

It makes her happy to see Callie becoming so close to someone again. And it makes her even happier to know that she’s happy whenever Callie’s happy, if that makes sense. Shaking her head to herself, she smiles. She really is going off the rocker already after only a few hours of…whatever it is now between Callie and her. She pats Callie and Meredith on the shoulders, “Come on, you children can go compare your dark and twisty secrets in the car. Celebration is waiting for us.”

Meredith’s eyebrow raises even higher, if that’s possible. “Robbins. You’re…perky.”

“I’m always perky.”

“I know, I know.” Meredith pauses, although not sure if she’s allowed to say what she says. “You have…the old perky.”

Arizona raises her eyebrows too. As if this is an eyebrow raising competition or something along those lines, Callie raises her own too, in synch with Arizona’s. If Arizona weren’t so focused on that incredibly hot look on Callie, she would’ve burst out laughing at how the three of them resemble curious racoons eyeing a particularly full trash can. “You got that from my one sentence?”

“No,” Meredith shrugs, already walking out of the apartment, “You have the aura. Like my dark-and-twisties can sense your butterflies and rainbows. It’s like those Pokémon cards with energy symbols on them that everyone still collects but doesn’t trade.”

“The _what_?”

Meredith grins sheepishly, “Zola just started hoarding those like crazy. No judging.”

Arizona falls into step behind Meredith, and looks back to see Callie locking the door after bidding a last goodbye to the sitter. Maybe Arizona _is_ being the old perky, whatever that means.

She does feel different. _Good_ different.

Different, but not unfamiliar. Being able to touch Callie again, to kiss her, to hold her hand and to see her smile and know that Arizona herself is the cause, is different.

Not the kind of brutal difference between a cold popsicle and scalding hot water. More the kind of difference between a nap on a winter afternoon and a good summer night’s sleep.

As so John Green once so nicely put it, when she fell in love with Callie so many years ago, she fell in love like she would fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once.

Not that she’s rushing into any dramatic love declarations so soon, but under the fabric of her thin tank top and in the deep corners of her chest, she supposes she always knew that falling asleep, it’s always all or nothing. It’s the deep pull of the sleep that makes her dive head-first into all that’s Callie and revel in the feeling like it’s the best thing to ever exist.

And it probably is.

//

“Um, Mer?”

Meredith looks up in the rear-view mirror at Callie who’s glancing out of the windows, “Where exactly are you taking us? Because I’m pretty sure that this isn’t the way to Joe’s.”

“You’ll see, Callie. The rest of the gang are meeting us there. It was the guys’ idea, saying something about old time’s sake.”

Callie exchanges a look with Arizona, “Did you know about this?”

“Nope. For all I know, Grey could be kidnapping us and driving us over the border to dump in the ocean.”

“Ah. Very reassuring. Thank you, Arizona.”

Meredith grins at Arizona beside her, “No one’s telling to cross off that theory yet.” She stops at a red light and switches her gaze to the outside, “Actually, we’re practically there.”

Callie furrows her eyebrows, although part of her frown is still due to how Arizona got to ride shotgun and she is stuck in the backseats like a five-year old. “This looks familiar.”

“It is familiar. You’re gonna see, Callie.”

Steering her Mercedes into the severely undersized parking lot, Meredith laughs at the dawning looks of realisation coming onto Arizona and Callie’s faces.

Callie groans, “Really, Mer? Here?”

“We did pass an awful lot of time celebrating here when you just became an attending and we were only residents, you know.”

“I know we did, but that doesn’t mean Arizona and I got any better at it!”

Arizona nods her agreement, but stays silent, enjoying pouting Callie just a little bit too much.

Meredith scoffs, already getting out of the car and pulling the door on Callie’s side open, “We don’t have fancy celebration, but we have music and beer.”

Callie grunts as Meredith pulls her forcefully out of her seat, “You’re lucky I love you, Mer. Anyone else and I would’ve ran away for some liquor already.”

Arizona climbs out of the car too, barely stifling her grin. She really, _really_ missed Callie’s whining. If it were someone— _anyone_ —she might have stuffed an old sock into their mouths already, but somehow, when Callie does it, she finds it completely and adorably endearing. Maybe it’s because it resembles their own daughter so much. Maybe it’s just because Callie is, well, _Callie_. “Aw come on, Calliope. It isn’t that bad.”

“Seriously? Arizona! I thought you’d be on my side.”

Arizona grins and shrugs, “I am. But that won’t stop me from having a good time.” She sways off towards the cooler of beer next to Alex.

Callie blows a strand of hair away from her face with a puff, but grudgingly looks around her at the baseball field. The high fences and the bleachers are just where they had left them, and the soft august air is only amplifying the nostalgia. The boys really did love dragging them here before, to blow off some steam after a long and boring shift.

She can almost still see Mark and Lexie standing together on the side, bumping their hips in a little rhythm. She can almost still see Derek throwing a heavy glove at Meredith, who would discretely slide a flask of tequila in its crevice. She can almost still see Cristina and Teddy arguing over the most hardcore way to cut open a heart by the sidelines and Owen yelling at Cristina to turn around and focus on the game. She can almost still see herself and Arizona holding two bottles of beer, snuggled together with Callie’s arms around her waist, acting annoyed at the choice of sport, but secretly enjoying the crap out of the night.

Callie smiles and shakes her head, so much has changed.

Lifting her head, she can see Alex handing Arizona a beer and talking happily of what Callie could bet on was Jo. She can see Bailey trudging over to Meredith who’s still beside the car, and who looks like she’s reliving some of their old moments too. In the distance, she can see Owen alone, tinkering with their old pitching machine and organising some bats. She barely sees Richard stepping into the field and offering to help him with the machine, since she’s distracted by a blob of bright red hair bouncing into the field, indicating that April’s arrived too. Jackson is soon following suite, accompanied by a straggling Maggie and Amelia.

Arizona catches her eye.

Holding a beer, she waves for Callie to join her and Alex and wiggles her eyebrows playfully. Laughing to herself, Callie starts to walk quickly towards them, and despite being absolutely horrible and both baseball and softball, she finds herself already thoroughly enjoying the night, even if it’s just for the gently wind that makes walking without hair in her face annoyingly hard.

Meredith watches the two with a careful scrutinising look. Bailey joins eventually, just as Callie yelps at the coldness of the beer that Arizona sneakily pressed onto the back of her neck. The two general surgeons stand at a distance, watching. They smirk simultaneously when Arizona leans dangerously close to Callie’s ear and whispers something, making Alex suddenly look very uncomfortable, and making Callie flush a funny shade of crimson.

“Those two look devilishly cozy, don’t you think, Bailey?”

“Oh, they really do.”

Meredith nudges the smaller woman with her elbow, still not taking her eyes off of Callie and Arizona. “Don’t you think you should just pay up now?”

“As long as they stood next to each other, they always looked cozy as hell. We’re waiting for the definite strike before I ever pay up!”

Meredith rolls her eyes, “Whatever. They probably already did the McNasty behind our backs anyway. You just see and you’ll lose this bet.”

“Like hell I will.” Bailey narrows her eyes for a moment, considering it. “Do you think it’s bad that we’re placing bets on when some of our best friends are getting back together?”

“The way I see it, we’re just betting on the timelines of the inevitable. I mean, everyone else agrees, don’t they?”

“Guess so.”

“See? We’re just waiting for those two to open their blind eyes and see their damn sexual tension for their selves.” Meredith adds under her breath, “That damn sexual tension that I can feel from here.”

“I still can’t believe Altman somehow threw in twenty bucks from _freaking Germany_.”

“Come on, it’s Teddy. Apart from you and me, she’d probably be the biggest fan of their relationship.”

“Oh yeah, you should’ve heard her when Robbins left for Africa. She was just going on and on about how Callie should follow her there.”

Meredith chuckles. She looks at Bailey and she pulls on a slightly more serious look on her face. “Really, Bailey. We have faith in them, that’s why we place bets and that’s why we meddle sometimes. It’s like our way of silently supporting them. With all that’s bad that’s happened, they deserve a happy, peaceful ending.” Her shit-eating grin reappearing after that split second, she adds, “And Callie didn’t really bother hiding her hickeys when we were studying for the boards at four in the morning. No way I’m letting my girl miss out on that hot, hot sex anymore.”

Bailey snorts, “I didn’t need to know about Robbins’ skills in bed, but okay.”

“I do hope they let themselves be happy, though.”

“Me too, Grey, me too.”

The moon slowly rises and takes place of the sun. Arizona smiles crookedly at Callie, and Callie grins right back, knowing exactly what Arizona’s thinking about.

When they kissed under that lamppost for the first time since forever, the sky looked almost exactly like this one. It’s the hazy voices of reason, the soft light that drops down everywhere from the moon that makes the yearning fly right out of their grasps and wander freely.

Arizona is certain that her spirits are soaring insanely high, maybe even high enough to be right next to the moon, looking down at them.

Nothing can dampen her spirits, not tonight at least.

**_PART II - FOREVER_ **

_Matt Hires_

The crisp ‘bonk’ of the bat hitting her ball resounds through the field, weaving between the laughter of the surgeons. They cheer as Alex hits a home run.

Off to the sidelines, Callie and Arizona are having a hard enough time trying not to fall back into old habits. They’re sitting as close as physically possible without raising suspicions, nudging their knees together on the second stair of the bleachers from time to time.

Arizona takes a swig of beer and claps absentmindedly for Alex. Her gaze barely left Callie during the whole evening.

She is positive that there is something both magical and cursed about being with someone under the moon of a lazy summer evening. Personally, she’s blaming it on the moonlight, the warm wind that blows incessantly, and the glow from the baseball field lights towering overhead.

Those were surely to blame, because just as Callie opens her mouth to laugh at Bailey stumbling over her own feet and a bit of wind blows a stray leaf into her hair, Arizona sees them sitting here on the bleachers forever and forever. In a flash, she has this inexplicable urge to want to see Callie with greying hair and be still together on the couch, reading the Sunday papers.

She’s sure that everyone has these moments. These moments where they feel so undeniably content with the person next to them, and everything is the definition of serene, and they can’t, for anyone’s sake, figure out how wars are even possible.

Arizona sighs, her peaceful is leaking from her pores and forming the pretty pink bubble Callie’s in with her.

Callie tears her gaze away from Meredith fumbling with a bat and Maggie looking at her with horror, “What’s up?”

“Huh? Nothing.”

“Not nothing. You just sighed for the third this minute, Arizona.”

Arizona grins like an idiot at Callie saying her name like that. Sure, her name isn’t as musical sounding as _Calliope_ , but it for sure has a strangely beautiful feeling when Callie says it. When Callie whispers her name, it brings Arizona to her knees.

And what she would give to hear Callie whispering that name in her ears again, whispering it like a mantra while Arizona is on top of her, spurring Callie on, making her cry out again and again and again…

“Arizona?”

She snaps out of the inappropriate thoughts. Not the time. “Yes?”

“So? What’s wrong?”

She sighs contentedly again, “Nothing’s wrong. In fact, everything is so right that I have a hard time wrapping my head around it.”

“I get what you mean,” Callie says, fiddling with the label of her beer, “I’m still thanking whatever gods we look up to and who look down on us that you got to my front door to tell me everything.”

“Me too.”

“I never would’ve had enough balls to do that.”

Arizona laughs, “There’s a reason I was always the one to do the big speeches then.”

“Yup.”

They sit in silence for a while, still occasionally bumping their knees together, like kids in class with their puppy love, striving to maintain some sort of contact.

Out in the field, Alex leans over to Meredith. “You think we should interrupt them?”

“Nah, give those two some more time together. We’ll drag Callie out here to play in a few minutes.”

“They look all sweet and sickening…”

Meredith smirks at Alex, “I know. Besides, that’s what you and Jo look like these days too, you know.”

“Shut up.”

Arizona nudges her right knee into Callie, pushing playfully. Callie looks up from picking the label off her beer and raises an eyebrow. _Damn, that eyebrow._

She pushes back, and Arizona pushes her knee right back at her too, giving Callie a look that says ‘oh yeah?’. She sees Callie’s knuckles tightening around her beer and smiles mischievously. Her competitive nature certainly did not wear out over the years. Arizona tilts her head at an angle, and blows lightly at the one place under Callie’s ear that she knows makes her quite literally _weak at the knees_. “Calliope…”

Just as she thought, Callie’s knee stops pushing right away after her barely audible breath and gives in, turning to jelly. Grinning triumphantly, Arizona snatches Callie’s beer and takes a swig.

“That’s not fair, you cheated!”

Arizona’s eyes widen comically, “I did not!”

“You so did! You…” Callie points a finger at her ear, and wiggles it.

Arizona raises an eyebrow back at her, daring her to elaborate exactly why her ear mattered in this equation. Huffing, Callie snatches back her beer and grumbles, “Fine.”

“Cheer up, Frowny.”

“Frowny? Really? Is that what you go for after Mushy Callie?”

Arizona giggles and pats Callie’s shoulder, “Okay, sorry. You wanna hear the little story of how I ended up at your front door?”

“There’s a story?”

“Well, more of a…thought process?”

“Yes, of course I wanna hear.”

Truthfully, Arizona would’ve told it whether or not Callie wanted to hear it. That’s the thing about bleachers and fields and lamps at night. They make her want to spill her whole life out, and it certainly doesn’t help matters that Callie is sitting right next to her. Callie’s warmth is such a wonderful contrast to the night air that cools down around Arizona’s cheeks.

It’s different feeling when she’s out at night. There’s a slightly reckless and funny feeling to the outdoors at night, and it makes her feel infinitely smaller than she actually is.

“I flipped a coin.” Arizona looks down at Callie fiddling her thumbs. Callie only turns her thumbs counter clockwise, never clockwise. It’s one of the things that makes Arizona fall for her more, for whatever ridiculous reason it is.

Callie half-laughs, “What?”

“No, really! I told myself I would give myself just one more chance, so I found a coin.” Seeing Callie looking at her with that soft look, Arizona continues happily, “And I said that if it was heads, I’ll suck it up and let myself be happy, and screw the complications, and just do whatever feels right, whether I think it’s logical or not.”

“And if it was tails?”

“Then I would accept the fact that life kind of really sucks and you almost never end up with your great love story. You end up with someone for the sake of ending up with someone, but there’s only one great love story that you tell your grandchildren. I would’ve let you go again and just shut up and compartmentalise like crazy.”

Callie chuckles dryly. Arizona really was always scarily good at compartmentalising and not letting feelings cloud her judgement. That is, until Callie.

Africa was the dream, as so she put it, and Arizona could’ve stuffed all her feely feelings into a trash bag in a corner of her skull and go pursue the surgical dream. But somehow, she didn’t. To this day, she’s still not sure how one person could dig up so much emotions that refuse to be anything but completely rampaging. She’s still figuring how it could be that everything that holds the power to destroy and mend her to come in the form of an orthopedic brunette.

“And you flipped a head and came to find me?”

“Nope.”

“Huh?” Callie frowns at her, thoroughly confused. Maybe this is the moment Callie would wake up from this overly good dream?

“Nope, I flipped and it landed on tails. But somehow that really pissed me off so I grabbed it and slammed it back on the table with heads facing upwards and I left to find you.”

Callie’s posture slumps a little, although physically melting. “Arizona…”

“See, Calliope? I still chose you. I still _choose_ you.”

“Thank you.”

Arizona shakes her head, “No, don’t thank me. This is what’s right. You and me, this is _right_.” Arizona purses her lips together, trying to chase away the moisture at the corners of her eyes. She still can’t believe that this is really happening. After everything and everyone, this is very damn unbelievable. “I really didn’t use to get emotional so easily, I swear.”

“I know, I know. Believe me, every second this evening that I look beside me and see you there, I’m this close to burst into tears or burst into maniacal laughter. I never thought I could come back after George and Erica and, well, you.” Callie looks up at the sky, “But wow, I’m so freaking happy it’s _you_ that’s here.”

“Do you remember when I said I loved your big heart?”

“Mhmm.”

Arizona sighs, “I still do. It amazes me everyday. I think you were my first super serious and seeing-the-future-with relationship, but you fall so easily and so fast and it _amazes_ me.”

Callie closed her eyes at the sky, smiling at Arizona’s voice. She will never get enough of this moment.

“It used to make me insecure, but now? Now it just amazes me.”

“You know, you’ve said it amazes you three times in your last two sentences.”

Arizona slaps Callie’s arms softly, “Let me finish.”

“Okay, okay.”

“After everyone, after every heartbreak, Meredith said that you don’t wear your heart out on your sleeve anymore.”

Callie bites her lip, and hesitates before saying, “I still do. You can’t just _pluck_ a heart out of your sleeve and stuff it somewhere else. It’s just less obvious because I guess…I learn hide it now? I don’t know, it’s hard to explain. I’ve grown up.”

“Aww, my little Calliope, all grown up.”

“Shut up.”

Arizona laughs, but sobers up almost immediately. “You see? You still fall easily, you still want to give it your all, you still can barely grow up, you still want romance, and you are still willing to let it kill you halfway before giving up. I love that about you.” Seeing Callie looking up at her teary-eyed too, Arizona whispers, “But I swear that I’ll protect that little stupid heart of yours this time around, okay?”

“Can we add that to the pinky promise?”

“We really should.”

“Okay.” And Callie holds out her hand, and Arizona links their pinkies together again. After repeating everything again, they’ve also managed to not cry. Because two very grown-up surgeons aren’t supposed to cry in the middle of a baseball field on the bleachers.

Besides, peds is hardcore, and ortho is bad ass, and no way they’re going to ruin their reputations among their friends.

“Would it be really, really, bad if I leaned over and kissed you now?”

Arizona giggles, “We’re in front of everyone, Callie.”

“Fine. But you better be ready for a whole lotta making out once our ship has sailed.”

“Oh, we will. That and much, _much more_.”

Callie groans and drops her head into her hands. “Urgh. You’re all the evil in the world disguised as a hot blonde peds surgeon.”

“But I’m still awesome.”

“Yes, but you really need to stop with the teasing. I’m horny and you’re horny and self-control can only get us so far.”

“Okay, sorry. I’ll try to stop.”

“You’ll _try_?”

Arizona shrugs, “What can I say? Knowing that I can make the bad ass Callie Torres squirm is fun.”

“Oh my _god_ , who’s idea was it to take it slow again?”

“Mine.” Seeing Callie glare at her again, Arizona says, “Taking it slow is a kind of sincerity. A kind of promise and a kind of honesty, you know that.”

“I know. It’s why I can’t be really annoyed at you and I really need a cold shower.” Callie cocks her head threateningly, “And _don’t_ make a joke about showers.”

“No promises.”

A loud whistle snaps them out of their bubble. “TORRES!”

Callie groans and holds her beer in front of her face. “They can’t see me, they can’t see me, they can’t see me…”

Arizona snorts, “Uh, sorry to disappoint you, but I think they can still see you.”

“Damn it.”

Alex’s voice cuts through again, “Quit stalling and come play, Torres!”

“Do I have to?”

“Yup! Or no more beer for you!”

Callie groans again and slides off her seat. “I’M COMING!”

Arizona chokes on a sip of beer and croaks, “Oh, you wi—”

Callie spins around and fixes her with a stern look and an accusing finger. “Not another word. No dirty jokes until we get to doing the McNasty.”

“Okay, okay. I’ll come to see you miss all your bats.”

“Urgh. You’re no better.”

“Nuh-uh, maybe I’ve improved, Torres, you never know.”

Callie rolls her eyes, “If I remember correctly, you were the one that fell on her face when we were practising for the match against Seattle Pres.”

“The ball was coming _towards my head_.”

“Yuh-huh. Whatever you say.”

They arrive in front of the batting machine and Alex stuffs a bat into Callie’s hands while Owen pushes a helmet on Callie’s head.

“Alright, Torres!” Owen advances to the machine and fiddles with some buttons and switches and whatever it is that makes it work. “If you don’t hit any, you buy the first round of drinks!”

“What?!”

“Yup. Now get ready, and focus!”

Arizona chuckles to herself as Callie fidgets in place and lifts the bat nervously. Callie really is going to be stuck buying a lot of drinks tonight.

//

A few buzzing pagers interrupted their night halfway with an incident involving a roller coaster. Weird cases always seem to make their way to Grey-Sloan. Both trauma surgeons were whisked away, along with Amelia, Maggie and Jackson.

The rest of them decided that baseball is no more fun without so many people completely sucking at it, and separated into two cars and drove to Joe’s, with the promise that Callie will be buying at least half the drinks.

Pushing open the door to Joe’s, Arizona can’t help but sigh at this nostalgic feeling that’s floating everywhere. Even when this transition from the breezy summer night air to the sweaty booze filled air of Joe’s is one that she’s mastered over the years, it never fails to make her sigh happily. Perhaps sometimes it was filled with some guy’s post break up dinner that found itself in a foul-smelling puddle just outside the door of the bathroom. And other times, perhaps it would be some middle-aged woman with a rather awful haircut bursting through the doors and finding her (ex?) husband sitting with another young lady who just happens to be sporting a pair of very chunky high heeled boots.

Still, Arizona always found comfort in Joe’s no matter how little it might be. It was comfort, and it was more than anywhere else managed to provide.

Now though, she might just love it more than ever when Callie is by her side, with their knuckles brushing ever so subtly together while they head to the table at the back, already occupied by Alex, Richard and Bailey. She feels like a teenager all over again, having a secret romance with the girl she’s been passing notes with in class and trying to discretely hold hands in the school corridors.

Again, Callie somehow always manages to channel out the inner swooning teenager in her.

It feels good, actually, when she feels herself acting childishly and Callie doing just the same back at her. It feels natural, playful, and it feels like she will be appreciated by this woman even when she’s in overly large sweatpants and a t-shirt she found under the suitcases at the bottom of her closet.

“Heyy! The ladies are coming!”

Arizona grins at Alex’s excitement and slides into the booth right beside Callie. Her grin turns into a giggle when she hears Callie mutter under her breath, “That’s what he said.”

Bailey, on the other hand, does not look so amused as she flicks a straw at Alex’s head, “And I’m not a lady?”

Alex’s eyes widen, “No, no, no. You, Bailey, are definitely the most _lady_ of them all.” When Bailey gives him her stare down, he gulps and adds, “I was just saying that you know, as a figure of speech. Like, er, blowing off steam! You aren’t actually blowing steam.” He gives Bailey a grin that’s way too toothy for her liking, “Right? Uh, Webber?”

“You dug yourself into this one, son. I’m not helping.”

“And I’m going to go and get some drinks for everyone. Good luck, Alex.” With that, Callie scrambles out of the booth, and saunters to the bar. “Joe!”

The bartender spins around, his wide grin betraying how he feels. “Torres! It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”

Callie leans on the bar, grinning. She’s been at this exact so many times before, ordering the same drinks for the same people. Or almost the same people. “It really has. But I can’t be happier to be back, honestly.”

Joe throws a towel over his shoulder and approaches Callie, “It’s good to have you back too. You really gave those gentlemen quite a run for their money with the speed you downed shots in your day.”

“Oh, I definitely still can.”

The bartender laughs, “So? What do you want today?”

Honestly?

Callie wants starry skies and early morning runs and late afternoons curled by a fireplace. She wants to turn back time and relive moments and meet Arizona all over again, even if they still end up exactly where they are now, because more time is still not enough time with Arizona. She wants hours in bed and lazy lounging and every bit of brilliance the world still has to offer.

But realistically, she’s whatever people call _mature_ now. She can only wish for so much.

“I’ll have another round of shots and two beers, please.”

“Alright, coming right up.”

Arizona stifles a grin at seeing Alex still so intimidated by Bailey even after all these years. She still remembers him being that small, crass, resident, running around flirting with nurses and ignoring protocol. “I don’t really think ‘the ladies are here’ is much of a figure of speech, Karev.”

“And even it was, paired with blowing off steam, it just sounds like you got some really feisty strippers hidden in a, I dunno, wallet somewhere,” Meredith inputs very helpfully, “And I’m sure Jo wouldn’t really like that.”

The rest snorts, while Alex winces. “Can we just forget this happened?”

Bailey looks at him blankly, “No.”

“Please?”

“If you do all my charts for three days.”

“But that’s an intern scut job!” Alex whines, “Can’t you be the bigger person and let it go?”

Callie slides back into the booth, perhaps a bit too close to Arizona, but neither of them seems to notice.

“Oh, Karev,” Bailey says, chuckling menacingly, “You’ll always be that little asshole who stuck pictures of Izzie Stevens all over the locker rooms and got your ass handed to you on a platter after she yelled at you. You might be all high and mighty now as an attending,” she glares at him pointedly, taking a painfully slow sip of her suspicious blue drink that no one knows came from where, “But you shall always remember why they called me the Nazi.”

“I got your charts covered for the next week,” he squeaks.

“That’s more like it.”

“How does Bailey still have such a hold on you, Karev?”

Alex scowls at Callie, “Once the Nazi, always the Nazi. Don’t tell me you’ve never been intimidated by Bailey before.”

Callie shrugs and grins at Bailey, “That was before she got dubbed BC— _OW_!” She glares at Bailey as she rubs her newly punched shoulder. “It _is_ a pretty funny nickname.” She blocks another punch that flies her way and grumbles, “There was that time where she practically forced Owen and I to go Derek’s trailer.”

“Ooh. I remember that, that wasn’t fun,” Meredith says, wincing.

“We weren’t even friends then yet, Mer. Wow, that was such a long time ago.” Callie scratches her nose, looking towards a smug-looking Meredith. “What?”

“I’d say our friendship started with the panties on the bulletin board. I never thanked you for that, actually. Bailey would’ve skinned me alive if she knew.”

Bailey almost spits her drink on Richard’s crisp white shirt. “That was YOU?!” She wipes her mouth with a napkin while Alex cackles at the new direction Bailey’s directed her wrath.

“See? Case in point.”

Arizona is thoroughly confused, “What panties?”

“Uh, that was a long time ago. See, at the hospital’s prom—”

“Grey-Sloan had a _prom_?!”

“Well, it was only Seattle Grace at the time. See, Addie went with Derek and Meredith went with her vet boyfriend…”

Arizona is just plain bewildered at this point. “Grey had a vet boyfriend? Before McDreamy?”

“Grey had a McDog too.”

Alex raises his beer, nodding solemnly at the grimy ceiling of the bar. “To Doc. May he rest in peace with lots of bones to chew on.” He perks up immediately, although remembering the formula to eternal happiness. “And Torres used to live in the basement! God, you remember that, Callie?”

“Oh yeahh. Those were the good days of my residency, before I ran off to Vegas to marry an intern.” Callie sighs wistfully.

“And a good load of stuff happened there too,” Alex snickers, “if I remember correctly—” He stops abruptly when he sees the ice-cold glare Arizona is sending his way. Glancing towards Meredith, they communicate in the telepathy only their ‘persons’ could apparently have. Either the green-eyed monster possessed Arizona again, or there is definitely something going on between our local ortho goddess and the human rainbow.

Bailey takes a sip of her beer, and raises it again. “Toast.”

Alex and Meredith tear their communicating gaze apart and turns to Bailey. Everyone stares at Bailey as she downs the rest of her electric blue drink in one go and smacks her lips, satisfied.

“Uh…Bailey? You have to actually say a toast when you say ‘toast’.”

“No I don’t.”

“You kind of do.”

Bailey huffs, “Fine. Uhh…toast to the ones here today.”

Everyone raises their glasses and Richard says, “And a toast to the ones we wish were here but are not.” They nod, and turn their bottoms up.

Joe’s is a sort of sanctuary, if Arizona may say so. A paradoxical sanctuary with booze and adultery and all the dirty secrets of sad grown-ups…but her sanctuary nonetheless. 

She sneakily inches her hand down the table to find Callie’s warm hand and gives it a little squeeze. Callie swallows her alcohol and grins widely at Arizona as the rest of the table starts to talk about the roller-coaster case that seems to be taking the hospital gossip by storm.

Just for tonight, they can sit right here and forget about the world.

These are the moments that make up forever’s, and boy, Arizona really wishes for a good, long, forever with Calliope Torres.

Joe’s is where Callie and her’s love story began, and she never would’ve dreamed that a grant, a car crash, a plane crash, a divorce and a fresh start later, they can sit where it all began and laugh at the memories. The memories of the good, the bad, and the ugly.

These memories of everything they’ve been through and these memories of everyone they lost on the way.

But, see?

They pulled through everything.

They finally made it.

> _Forget about tomorrow’s light_
> 
> _I only want to hold tonight forever, forever, forever…_


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY. I'm late for the weekly update. But this chapter is really long and I stuck a make out scene in there for good measure, so don't yell at me too loud when you finish reading.  
> Please.

_**ALL THESE THINGS THAT I'VE DONE** _

_**\- The Killers** _

These last few days, Callie's been nothing but a messy jumble of nerves. Ted-talk-induced-dangerously-explosive nerves and Arizona-induced-jittery-feel-like-a-teenager nerves. Nothing but nerves. She's wound up so tight that one drop too much of an espresso a tad too strong will snap what's left of her thin resolve.

And Arizona, like always, read her like a book. For the two days before the Ted talk (which is in Seattle, thank god. Callie probably wouldn't have survived if it were in Vancouver), Arizona has been limiting her to only one large cup of coffee a day. Despite Callie's incessant complaints about it, she's secretly grateful that she has someone who is bossy and caring enough to make sure she doesn't shove twenty tons of coffee down her throat everyday and let herself finish in a blubbering mess of excess caffeine.

But that doesn't mean she can't complain about it.

"But it's only tomorrow, Arizona! Sofia is staying at Meredith's at the weekend, and I'm staying at the hotel there, and everyone else is on call, and I'm going to be all alone in the awful depths of public speaking! I deserve one more cup of coffee, right? Right?" Callie gives Arizona the best puppy dog eyes she can muster and bats her eyelashes.

She slumps in her office chair when Arizona crosses her arms and cocks her head. Towering over Callie due to Callie's begrudging wish to stay in the chair until she gets another coffee, Arizona chuckles and shakes her head. "Nope. Too much coffee will mess with your brain. It's for your own good, Calliope."

"But I'm stressed!"

"Well, I can think of a few ways to relieve—Wait. Sofia is staying at Meredith's for the whole weekend?"

"Uhhh, well," Callie takes a gulp of the mug of coffee she currently has in a vice grip and says, "I was wondering if you would like to come with me. As…emotional support? Because I'm fairly sure I'm going to freak out before the speech and I really need someone to calm me down. And you were always good at that. Calming me down, I mean."

Arizona raises an eyebrow at Callie's admittedly adorable rambling. "I thought Cristina was going to fly in from Switzerland to watch you live?"

"She is? Didn't she just come a few weeks ago for Alex's wedding? And how come I don't know that?"

Arizona shrugs, "I heard Alex grumbling something in his phone about it."

Callie whips out her phone to shoot of an annoyed text to Cristina. A few minutes later, her phone buzzes. Scoffing, Callie says, "Yeah, apparently, things in Switzerland are always very relaxed and she's coming and staying for three weeks with Mer. She says, and I quote, seeing me do my pee dance on a Ted talk is definitely on her bucket list."

"Well, I don't blame her."

Giving Arizona a glare, Callie continues, "So yeah, she's coming."

"See? So you do have company," Arizona chirps with a smug grin. Honestly, she's all for tagging along with Callie since she isn't on call anyways, but it's way too much fun seeing Callie squirm.

"Oh certainly. Cristina is going to be _so_ compassionate about encouraging me."

"With that attitude she isn't."

Callie groans, "Please, Arizona!" Seeing Arizona titter, she adds, "Please, please, please. I want you there, I want to spend time with you, and I could really use some reassurance."

"And what do I get in return?"

"Anything!"

Arizona smirks, "Anything, huh?"

Momentarily, Callie lets a big grin take place of the straining nerves, "Yup. But we're taking this slow, aren't we?"

"We are. I'll cash that 'anything' in sometime in the future."

"Sure. But you'll be there, right?"

Arizona smiles and leans forward to press a light kiss on Callie forehead, cradling her head gently between her hands. "Yes, I'll be there. You'll do great."

"I hope so. And I still have our first date to look forward to if everything falls to crap."

Callie wraps her arms around Arizona's waist and buries head in the familiar fabric of her scrubs. She inhales deeply. The smell of hospital soap and cleaning alcohol is a weird combination of smells to love, but Callie loves it so freaking much. It makes her feel safe, just like Arizona arms make her feel, wrapped softly around her head and holding Callie against her.

"No pressure on me at all to make that date any less than amazing, huh?"

Callie's laugh is muffled by Arizona's stomach, "No pressure at all."

//

Sitting in the cab beside Callie with their suitcases in the back trunk, Arizona can't help but feel a little bad for her. She's had first hand experience with exactly how much public speaking absolutely terrifies Callie. She places a hand on Callie's bouncing knee.

Looking down, Callie smiles sheepishly, "Sorry. I didn't realise I was trying to propel my knee into outer space."

Arizona laughs. She's glad Callie still found the wit to joke when she's so clearly scared shitless. "No worries. How you feeling?"

"Honestly? Terrible. I feel like hurling up the one coffee we had before leaving but god knows I really need that."

"Well, I'll be there to hold your hair back while you hurl this time."

Callie scratches her neck, "Funny. You remember when I did that speech at the gala in July?" Arizona nods. "I told Erica that no one was going to hold my hair back when I hurl this time. Thank sweet Jesus Christ that you're here now."

"Oh yeah…" Arizona decides to keep back the fact that she overheard half of that particular conversation for the sake of not stressing Callie even more. "Hey, speaking of Erica, how did she take you leaving New York all of a sudden? You guys are friends, right?"

"Uh, I told her while Mer was checking the apartment here, and she was okay, I guess. I mean, it's what you'd expect when your friend moves to the other side of the country. She was pretty sad at first, but she wished me the best and everything. Said she would drop by and visit sometime in the fall, I think." Callie swallows, concentrating on Arizona's touch on her knee more than anything. "A few of my other friends there also said similar stuff."

Arizona continues small circles on the inside of Callie's knee absentmindedly. She mumbles, "It seemed like Erica liked you a whole lot more than just friends."

"Huh?"

Arizona looks down, suddenly a bit shy. "Nothing. But when you guys were in Seattle, everyone could see that she had rather stuck her tongue down your throat than be just your friend."

"Really? I don't think so. Honest to god, I only considered Erica my best friend in New York. And whatever that happened between us was such a long time ago that I thought she probably forgot half the things by now."

"Okay, first, no offence, but you're _really_ clueless. She most certainly still had a thing for you. Secondly, she's be stupid not to, no one in their right mind would forget anything they did with you."

Callie grins, "Thanks. And I never really caught on if she really was suggesting more." When she's met with an incredulous look, she adds, "But if you're worrying, don't. She's in New York, and I strictly only consider her as a friend. If she ever visits, then we'll deal with that. I promise you that you're the only one now."

Arizona reluctantly nods, but it's not passed unnoticed by Callie.

"What is it, Arizona? Talk to me, we _are going_ to work this time around, and we'll have to talk."

Arizona's spirits lifts quite a bit when she hears Callie suggesting to talk so calmly. This version of Callie wasn't around much during their entire past, and she would be lying if she said that her hopes for their future didn't just increase ten-fold. "It's just that…that's what you said about Mark too. And, well, I know that nothing happened with you guys while you were with me, but it did hurt the ego a bit when I left and returned to find that he banged you in the meantime. But I guess it is kind of different, since Mark was always around and that made me a little insecure."

Callie tried to retain the small giggle, she really did, but she still let fly a small snort. "Banged? Really, Arizona?"

Arizona rolls her eyes and smiles, "You know what I mean. I loved Mark too, I did, and I wouldn't change Sofia for the world. But it just looks too much like a déjà vu, you know?" She stills her hand and squeezes Callie's knee tightly for a second before adding, "I don't fall as easily as you do, and you were the first person I was willing to bend practically everything for, Calliope. You, on the other hand, have so much love to give, and knowing I wasn't around for that while other people broke your heart doesn't sit well with me at all. And I know you are honourable and honest and everything else I don't how the hell I've come to deserve, but you have got to know that I don't fall so easily, and you do, and that made me sometimes scared."

Callie pulls her serious on and turns to face Arizona. She bites her lip for a second, considering how to phrase this. "I…I'm sorry for making you ever feel like I wouldn't choose you over anyone else any day."

"It's all good now. We're talking about it. And if I may say so, I'm actually pretty impressed by our major talking skills."

Callie laughs, "I know right!"

"But I can't blame other people for seeing how hot Callie Torres is. I mean, you _are_ dirty hot," Arizona says, wiggling her eyebrows. She's so relieved that barely a week into this new relationship, they've already tackled one of their past problems. Maybe it's not completely perfect yet, but they're talking and they're still laughing. It makes her feel like she could take on the world and still have the time to make a nice cup of green tea before going shopping for pears.

Callie smiles softly, "I will do better about that this time. If Erica _ever_ even comes to visit—because god knows she has a little trouble with the communicating over distance thing—"

"Oh yeah, she definitely does."

"—If Erica ever even comes to visit, you tell me as soon as she makes you feel like she's coming onto me and I'll go talk some sense into her, alright? She'll know that I'm only interested in you, Arizona."

"Thank you." Arizona resumes the small circles she was rubbing on the inside of Callie's knee, just not finding the resolve in her to stop all forms of touching yet. "I'm just still kind of blown away whenever I think about how there's nearly two years of your life in between everything that I've missed out on."

"No, me too," Callie admits sadly. "I can't even begin to explain everything I've been feeling since I've set foot in Seattle."

"I'll tell you everything with all the juicy details once we go on our date, don't you worry, although I'm sure you've already caught up with the general idea of things from the nurses and Meredith and Bailey."

She's ecstatic that they managed that so calmly.

Still, Arizona can't help but feel a little sad when she sees how the years have worn some of the fiery Latina edge off of Callie, even if she knows that it does the good in the long run. She just can't help but pain a little for Callie when she sees everything growing up (even for grown ups) robs from you.

Callie places her hand gently on top of Arizona's and squeezes it momentarily before the cab grinds to a halt in front of their hotel. The building is tall and proud and looks just the right amount of fancy that's not too extravagantly in-your-face. The organisers do have a fine taste after all.

Callie hauls the suitcases out of the car and Arizona takes one from her hands right away. Walking into the bright lobby that's so impeccably swarmed with chilly air conditioning, Callie shivers. She's moved too much too recently and like she said, she's already feeling too many things since touching down in Seattle. The hotel just adds to her emotions that are threatening to overflow and pour out of her head.

She accepts the key card and asks for another one for Arizona.

It's quite ironic, really, how Callie's always found staying in hotels weird, since her father just so happens to own half of the ones across the coast of the country.

She loved the beds that somehow made themselves during the day when she was little and tagging along on her father's business trips. She used to enjoy the notepads in the drawers that were so often dotted with signatures of people who've stayed there before her and the mini-fridges that replenishes with cold drinks every night.

But it always freaks her out a little, even when she was six and couldn't quite speak English without throwing a bunch Spanish into it too.

Like either she doesn't quite belong in the hotels, or the hotel doesn't quite belong with her in them. It just all used to feel so _separate_ from her life in Miami.

They're like in-between worlds standing in the middle of two destinations, without a real home and without a real root. The dressers (frankly, Callie always thought that dressers in hotels were a little dumb to have) are always empty. The closets have three coat hangers swinging miserably without any real purpose. The soulless corridors, the strangers going about their life, the blank walls, they have no past, only an infinite present.

Quite disturbing.

"Callie? Calliope?"

Callie snaps back into the present with Arizona calling her name. "Sorry, spaced out for a second there." They'd arrived in front of their room on the sixth story without Callie paying much attention. She laughs nervously, "Let's get our stuff in there and wallow in my panicky nerves."

Arizona rolls her eyes, "No, you're going to do just fine. Your nerves are lying to you."

"Yeah right."

"No, seriously, Calliope." Arizona takes Callie hand off of the door handle and holds it in a tight grip. She pushes Callie backwards onto the door and puts her other hand on her shoulder, forcing Callie to look at her. "You did this for me, so now I'm doing it for you." Seeing Callie confused, she tightens her grip and smiles a little. "You are great. You. Are. Great. Okay?"

Callie smiles tentatively too, remembering little Wallace that everyone had adored so much. That surgery was certainly a memorable one. She takes a deep breath, "Okay. Thank you."

"Awesome! Now, we can get inside and _not_ wallow in panicky nerves."

Callie laughs, shaking her head. She lets Arizona pull her into the fancy hotel room.

Callie's talk is not for another day, being scheduled for ten in the morning on Sunday. Naturally, she suggested a good old round of tequila as soon as they set foot in the hotel room.

"Absolutely not!"

"But I need the buzz, Arizona! I'm so stressed I can't think straight!"

"No, of course you can't, you think bisexual."

Callie can't help the loud snort that escapes, "Oh my god."

"See, I'm hilarious."

"No you're not. You're mediocrely funny at the right moments."

Arizona raises an eyebrow in defiance, "I can charm the _balls_ off of anyone, thank you very much."

"Mhm, sure. But bad jokes aren't going to help the fact that I can feel the anxiety eating through my skull."

"They totally can, especially coming from me, 'cause you think I'm awesome. I can whip out a bad joke anytime."

"Right…"

"I can! What's usually brown and always sticky?"

Callie blinks and flops down on the soft covers of the double bed in the middle of the room. "Uh, what?"

"A stick."

"Oh my _god_."

"See? I'm funny."

Callie fights to keep a straight face, not wanting to let Arizona see just how easily she can cheer her up. It's a little pathetic really, how only a smile from Arizona can teeter the misery of an entire day. She follows the peds surgeon with her eyes as she walks over to the minifridge and pulls out two cold beers. When Arizona pats the spot in front of her, Callie slides off of the bed right away and joins Arizona on the equally soft carpet.

"Okay, you're averagely humoured."

Arizona puts a hand over her chest in mock insult and says, "Okay, here's another one. When the vegetables in the garden decided to have a party, what did the carrot say to the lettuce?"

"What?"

"Lettuce turnip the beet!"

Callie giggles and leans her head back onto the side of the bed. "Oh, that was horrible."

"It wasn't!"

"It so was! I have those too, give me a minute."

Arizona grins and takes a big swig of her beer. "Take your time."

Callie still bites just the tip of the corner of her lip when she's thinking, whether looking at scans or recalling terrible jokes, and Arizona still finds it ridiculously adorable.

Not that she'd tell Callie anytime soon. The girl would probably throw a fit if Arizona ever threatened her oh-so-badass persona with the word 'adorable'. Which, to Arizona, just makes her that much more adorable.

"Oh!" Callie jerks her head up, visibly excited, "What time you have to go to the dentist?"

"When?"

"Tooth-hurtie."

She bursts into another fit of giggles when she sees Arizona spluttering on her beer in her hurry to say 'that _sucked_ '. "Two can play at this game, Robbins!"

"Oh, it's game—" Arizona coughs one more time, from her beer, " _ON_!"

Callie chokes on her own beverage once Arizona busts out an even worse pun about horses. The worries of her Ted talk are temporarily shoved to the side of her brain to leave an ample amount of space for spending time with Arizona.

She's missed this more than she cared to remember. She can't imagine sitting on the floor of a fancy hotel drinking cheap beer and belting out absolutely horrible jokes with any other person in any other parallel 'what if' universes.

Maybe only for the next few seconds, maybe only for the next few minutes, maybe only for the next few hours, but Callie's universe is close to perfect right now.

Even if alternate universes do exist, she wouldn't give up this messy weekend for any other, even if only for this short moment of near-perfect.

A little past midnight, Callie's phone dings with a text from Cristina.

_Hey, I'm boarding my plane right now. Should probably arrive at your hotel tomorrow afternoon, and since I'm flying all the way to the States, I'm crashing in your hotel room. Thanks._

Callie rolls her eyes, "So apparently Cristina invited herself to my hotel room once she arrives tomorrow."

"That sounds like Cristina alright."

"Yup. We should take advantage of the beer right now since the mini-fridge will probably empty itself once Cristina gets here."

Arizona laughs, and grabs another two beers from behind her. "You know, with Cristina here, we wouldn't be able to do much of anything to help you relieve stress."

Before Callie can ask for the details of what exactly Arizona wanted to do to relax, her phone buzzes again with another text.

_And please don't make me third wheel too much with you and Robbins. I don't want to get stuck in the middle of a shouting match OR a round of make up sex._

"What's up with her now?"

Callie turns her phone towards Arizona to let her message with a chuckle, "Just Cristina being Cristina."

"Make up sex?"

Callie shrugs, "Cristina isn't the romantic sappy type, but she really liked you and I together for some reason. She just doesn't shout it in bars half-drunk like Teddy, but she lectured me for a good two hours on the phone sometime after that last therapy session."

Both of them wince barely noticeably at the mention of that afternoon, but they don't let it bother them any farther, to Arizona's surprise. She never imagined that one day she would be able to talk about their history without feeling a double-edged dagger in her chest. But apparently, she's made it to a place that she's never dreamed of being able to reach.

And she keeps surprising herself too, because not only is that dagger no where to be felt, she's also holding a beer while sprawling comfortably across the carpet while there's a perfectly good bed two feet away.

"I never thought she liked me much, to be honest, since she tried sucking up to me during the merger. We've only gotten onto friendlier terms bonding over the shared trauma that plane crash gave us so gracefully. Why does she like us together so much anyway?"

"I think it's that time we gave both her and Owen a show when we came back from the bar and basically stripped in the living room." Callie pauses for a second, "Or maybe she knew George wasn't good for me since the start and she just plainly despised Erica. She was the genius resident of her year, you know, maybe she had physic powers and knew how right we were. _Are_."

"Sweet talker."

"But you love it."

"You're just a big teddy bear." Arizona cuts off Callie's protests before they even leave her mouth, "Nuh-uh, you so are."

Callie gives Arizona a exasperated sigh in return. Arizona grins and scoots closer to her, "Now, what do you say we try to get you all relieved before she gets here, and in time for your speech?"

Callie takes a slow sip of her beer and grins mischievously in such a way that makes Arizona want to just pounce on her (or something a tad less aggressive). "Oh, pray tell, Dr. Robbins, how do you plan on relieving me?"

"Get your dirty mind away from the McNasty, I was just going to suggest a good old make out session."

"I was nowhere near thinking about that!"

"Yeah, right. You had look on your face."

"What look?"

"The sex-wanting look."

"That's a look?"

"Oh yes, a look alright. It's a look that makes me want to pounce on you and you know it."

"Then why don't you?"

"We said we'd go slow, Calliope." Arizona sounds like a mother scolding a child she found bringing muddy shoes into the house.

"And going slow is a kind of promise, and sincerity, I know." Callie says while hanging her head, "And it probably also means no sex before our first date."

"Yes, that would be mostly logical."

"Does it also mean no make-out sessions before the first date? Because that's what normal people do, right? Or do they not kiss strangers in dirty bar bathrooms?"

Arizona rolls her eyes, "Very funny, Miss-I-married-an-intern-in-Vegas-by-Elvis." Callie glares at her playfully and Arizona laughs. She can't remember laughing so much in one night since…well, since Callie. "I think we can make an exception for the making-out."

"An exception?"

"Yeah."

"How?"

Arizona ponders that for a moment.

Well, pondering _and_ staring at Callie unabashedly.

Callie's sitting cross-legged against the foot of the bed, one hand still wrapped around her now lukewarm beer and raising one of her eyebrows questioningly at Arizona in just the right way that drives her crazy. If anyone asks Arizona what she'd do if, in all impossibility, Callie and her don't work out, she would probably tell them to go screw themselves, and then answer that she would just simply continue loving Callie for the rest of her life. Because the way that Callie is slumping a little bit too much to the right, and her shirt collar is sliding just slightly to the side to reveal the tip of a collarbone is enough to make Arizona sure that no one else can ever compare.

Callie's ruined her for anyone else.

How can anyone that's been loved by Callie Torres ever fall into any other kind of love?

And Arizona likes it that way, because no one else is _Calliope_. There's a reason why no one after Callie got serious enough for even close to half a sincere 'I love you' or even past five months. Being able to love someone so unconditionally is so hard to come by, and she's going to keep this precious thing in her grip.

And this is exactly the kind of thing that's too early to feel, before even a first date. Maybe if she keeps it to herself, the universe will just ignore its existence and let them be a normal couple for once…

Clearing her throat, she says, "How bout we say you inviting me to this slumber party in your hotel room counts as a date and then cancel it afterwards?"

"Huh?"

"You know, like right now, I say that you just took me on an incredibly average date involving lukewarm beer and sitting on the floor of a hotel room, and then we can make-out. Because technically, we already went on a date, so I think that qualifies us to make-out. And then tomorrow, you'll say that you think this date didn't really count because it was so average, so we'll cancel it. And then when we get back home, I can still take you out on our second first date."

"Whoa. I don't think my Ted-talk filled brain just understood that."

"Okay, not important. The point is, we can make-out now because technically, we're on our first date."

"Huh?"

"You're taking me out on our first date right now. In a hotel room. With lukewarm beer."

"Oh. Okay." Callie nods slowly, and empties the contents of her beer down her throat, "But I'll have you know that none of my dates are close to _average_. My dates are great. They are memorable. They are fantastic."

"Yeah, yeah. This date is going to get cancelled after we make out anyway. I'm going to take you on a proper first date. As do-over. You deserve nothing less."

"Okay, you lost me again. What's up with this timeline?"

"You know what, just come here and kiss me. I'm going to explain this afterwards." Arizona perks up even more suddenly, "And this can be our do-over second first kiss!"

"But I liked our first kiss! I was at my lowest in that bar bathroom and you came and kissed me and it was like-," Callie thinks for a moment while Arizona looks at her with amusement, half-expecting her to blurt out something abut fireworks or sparks or flames, "li-like…er, like…" She purses her lips, as if willing them to take her back in time nine years and relive the three seconds of that night. "Never mind. Not everything feels like something else."

"Cute, but I wasn't talking about that one. I was talking about the one under the lamppost and the one in the yacht. I want a do-over."

"Ohh, those. Yeah, agreed. I want a do-over too."

"Great! Now come here," Arizona says as she wiggles a finger at Callie, beckoning to come closer. Callie laughs, tossing her empty can to the side and letting it roll until it bumped against the wall beside Arizona. She leans forward on her hands and is on all fours as she bumps her nose softly against Arizona's.

She couldn't care less about her ungraceful and marginally uncomfortable position with her head craning upwards to meet Arizona.

They both take a second to remember the stillness of the world right then.

Everything is so still.

And somehow Arizona can't see anything that actually registers in her head. Everything is blissfully blank with Callie here, right in the second before they kiss.

There's something special about the hopeful second right before a kiss.

When Callie tilts her head upwards, Arizona slips a hand to the back of Callie neck and leans down. Arizona kisses her with every bit of happy she can get from this present. She can't say much about their future and she can't change much about their past, but every little bit of happy Callie's given her screams so much louder than the hurt in the present, and that's what Arizona kisses her with.

When Arizona passes another hand into Callie's hair and tugs softly, to press her lips harder into Callie, Callie's arms almost give out from underneath her as Arizona kisses her again and again and again, open-mouthed and soft. Arizona flicks the tip of her tongue softly over her bottom lip and Callie gives out a small noise somewhere between a whimper and a sigh.

Arizona pulls away right at the second of deepening the kiss. She licks her lips while taking a few breaths, and her left hand slips out of Callie's hair and lands on the front of her shirt. "Come closer. You look so uncomfortable that you might tangle yourself into a knot any second now."

Callie softy pants, with her lips still a little parted and a silent dazed look in her eyes. Like she's not quite she belongs in this universe. Like she's in the aftermath of a really good kiss and Arizona thinks she looks glorious and lecherous and filthily charming. She looks like a little of everything Arizona forgot to miss.

Kissing Callie is still like the first time. It drives her insane.

But before she can pull Callie in again, she hears Callie rasp, "You sure? W-We can stop this if you're not sure, I…I can follow—" Callie cuts off her own whispers and slips on an expression that looks like she's scolding herself internally.

Arizona is confused for a second before realising Callie's question. The last time they'd taken the time to kiss like this, she was still recovering from the crash, and would barely let Callie touch her without permission. She lets out a little sigh at the last months she's left Callie with, knowing that they weren't a worthy end for the road they've walked together, not anymore worthy than not even needing to sign papers for their divorce.

"Calliope…" Seeing Callie's eyes move from her lips to her eyes; she stares right back. In a ridiculously less romantic way, Callie's eyes are still like muddy quicksand. Bogs. Annoyingly hard to pull out of. "We've both grown. It's been almost two years." She tilts her head closer to Callie, her lips barely touching the tip of her ear. "Come. Closer."

Callie shudders at the warm breath and lets Arizona's small tug on her shirt pull her closer this time. She scoots rather ungracefully on her knees in between Arizona's outstretched legs (leg and prosthetic, actually) and loops her arms around Arizona's neck, pulling them together. Tangling her hands in Arizona's hair, she lowers her head and places a soft kiss on Arizona's forehead, on Arizona's nose, and then finally, on Arizona's mouth. So gently.

Like she's afraid that if she kisses too hard, she'll fall through what separates a really good dream and reality.

The faint bitterness of the beer makes a weird contrast with the taste of her lips.

Arizona lets her hands slide from Callie's neck to her waist, locking her in place in front of her. "It's okay. Closer, Calliope."

"You…"

"I'm sure." Arizona lets one hand leave the soft curve of Callie's waist and slide down to the very near top of her thigh. She smirks against Callie's cheek when she feels the muscles tense at her touch.

Callie gets the message and carefully shuffles a little, spreading her legs to kneel around Arizona's hips, straddling her. "This okay?"

Arizona gives her a little noise of satisfaction and tightens her grip on Callie's waist while the other hand presses against the hollow between her shoulder blades. She can barely contain her happiness with Callie here safely in her arms. She doesn't even realise the grin spreading over her face until she sees Callie's wide smile and tries to reciprocate it and find herself not being able to stretch her mouth any wider.

Their teeth clink together as they kiss again when they can't stop smiling and they giggle like schoolgirls tripping around their first kiss. Which is in a way, accurate, since Arizona is not sure she _ever_ kissed _anyone_ properly after she'd kissed Callie for the first time.

When Callie buries her head neatly in the crook of Arizona's shoulder and finishes chuckling, only then does Arizona begins noticing all the ways that they're pressing against each other. And their light happiness shifts into modest desire in a matter of seconds as Callie presses a lingering kiss on Arizona's neck.

Oh, the things Arizona wants to do to Callie when she persists on wearing her thin, _thin_ shirt that is halfway transparent.

Callie lifts her head and before she even has the time to appreciate the almost artistic darkening look in Arizona's eyes, Arizona's tongue is in her mouth.

And it's different then the last time against a bathroom door, because somehow, she's not too hurried but is still urgently tasting every bit of Callie all at once.

Like those dreams where she takes a step to sprint down the road, but the dream won't let her go fast. She's flailing her legs with all her strength, but the speed in which she's going is still painfully slow. Like a fever dream. An excruciatingly good one.

That's what Callie feels like until Arizona nips gently on her bottom lip.

She involuntarily grounds down and moans silently into Arizona's mouth when she feels two cold fingers tracing patterns on the small of her back. She didn't even notice when Arizona's hands crawled under her shirt, and truthfully, she's a little embarrassed at how comically sensitive she is to Arizona's touch after all this time.

Like when she climbs out of the pool in the summer, the air suddenly feels so much colder because she's been staying in another place without it for so long. And the cold air pricks her skin in the most delightful ways.

Just like how she desperately wants to at least preserve some of her dignity, but finds herself squirming (a little pathetically) as the cold fingers trace an agonisingly slow trail up her sides. Arizona's small chuckles on the corner of her mouth just makes Callie tighten her grip in her tangle of hair and throw her head back to allow Arizona's mouth travel farther.

And that's exactly what her mouth did.

She places more wet kisses along Callie's jaw and down to the crook of her neck and then back up all over again. She bites down at the exact spot where she can taste Callie's heartbeat that always pulls another soft moan out of her.

When Callie gives way to another series of quiet moans and whimpers, Arizona bites down harder on her heartbeat, as if trying to stop her mouth from going some place else.

Her left hand barely grazes the fabric of Callie's bra and Arizona just _has_ to press down with her thumb to feel the delightful perk of the hardened nipple underneath.

Arizona stops herself before she goes ahead and does something that won't qualify as 'taking it slow'. Flicking her tongue out and soothing the spot on Callie's neck, she finally draws herself back and raises her head to look into Callie's dark eyes. Those dark eyes are only complemented by the swift up and down of Callie's chest.

When Callie reels her desire back, seemingly getting the message that Arizona is stopping and lifts her head to allow her breaths to heave and relax, she licks her lips slowly, like she's trying to draw some of the numbing excitement off of them to keep forever.

It's like Callie has some ingrained mechanism that can reel all her lust in like a fishing rod whenever. Like it's practised, polished, perfected many times since the plane crash.

And it is.

Arizona blows a small puff of air as if she's trying to let go of some of the raging desire into the wind (or rather, the stale hotel air), "Wow."

"Yeah."

"Yuh-huh."

"I'm so glad that was okay."

"Oh it was more than okay. Seriously, Calliope? I kiss you like that and you say it was _okay_?"

Callie rolls her eyes at Arizona's childish pout, her voice is back to the hoarse and raspy noise it becomes whenever she kisses Arizona. "You know what I mean. And you just completely ruined the moment."

Arizona raises an eyebrow and cups one hand to the back of Callie's neck again, dragging her down. She flicks a tongue over her earlobe and blows another puff of air over the flesh. She grins smugly as she feels Callie shiver in her arms and draw in a ragged breath.

She places a short and wet kiss to the spot behind Callie's ear that she knows will make her tremble. "Moment back?"

Callie opens her mouth, and when nothing but a raspy exhaling comes out, she closes it again, opting instead for a little groan.

The two of them just sat there for a few minutes; Callie on Arizona's lap over her out-stretched legs and Arizona holding Callie in by the waist, letting Callie bury her head into her shoulder.

It's not exactly tense, but they both can feel the space around them that's not exactly overflowing with only lust either.

The desire is there, by all means, but it's infiltered with a speck of something else.

Maybe…a pinch of tension, a sprinkle of realisation, a few drops of giddy happiness stirred barely thoroughly enough with a spoon called reality. Then it might get something that looks an awful lot like Callie and Arizona at the moment.

Something's changed. Snapped. Shifted.

After a while, Callie started swaying them from side to side and that elicits a giggle from Arizona.

"Why does the swaying feel so childish?"

Callie snorts and pulls back to squint at Arizona. "Oh really? Childish? Said by you who has a monkey on her lab coat, who stress-eats donuts, who describes her residents as 'awesome', who—"

Arizona pinches Callie's side, "Alright _fine_ , I get it. I'm childish, you're childish, we're like kids who don't know any better but to make out like crazed chihuahuas in a hotel room."

" _Chihuahuas_?"

"I don't know, it was the first feisty animal that came into my mind." Callie pulls back even further and grimaces. "What?"

"Wha- how- _why_ would you compare us to a feisty animal?"

"My brain isn't functioning properly after you proceeded to suck all the oxygen out."

Yeah, because all the oxygen bits of your brain just so happen to pop right out whenever. Really, Arizona, you're a surgeon."

"You know what I meant!"

Callie feigns a clueless expression and says, "Oh really? Was it meant to compliment my rad kissing skills?"

"Oh my god just shut up before _I_ shut you up."

"But I'd like that."

Arizona rolls her eyes and decides to put a stop to Callie's cocky attitude. She yanks Callie down by the front of her shirt and gives her a hard kiss. Her hand that somehow managed to stay inside Callie's shirt climbs higher and teases the skin on her chest. She can feel Callie's skin burning under her fingertips.

Just as quick as she started, she pulls away, leaving Callie panting alone.

"Don't start something you can't finish, Dr. Torres."

//

Eventually, Callie climbs off of Arizona and they continue chatting deep into the night. Deep into the night, and that's when lips become looser, and boundaries become hazier. When, in their case, they get the surge of clueless courage that makes them talk more than before. At some point during their second can of beer, Arizona rid herself of the prothesis that's now propped up against the useless dresser to their left.

Callie was surprised at first when Arizona just outright took off her leg and propped it up. But then again, she remembers that Arizona must've gotten pretty comfortable with people seeing it since she has apparently regained her abilities to pick up any girl she takes her fancy to in any bar.

Even though she has a sour taste left in her mouth at the thought of Arizona meeting other people in other bars, she can't help be a little proud and a little stunned.

They really have changed.

Arizona snatches Callie's third can of beer out of her hands before she can crack it open and before Callie can start to panic about their differences in the present.

"Hey! My beer!"

Arizona throws the can back in the mini-fridge and swings the door shut. "No getting wasted from beer the day before a freaking Ted talk."

"But I can't even get wasted from two—"

"No buts. None of your buts will work on me, just sit back and don't drink beer like a fourteen year old who just discovered it at their friend's house when the parents bought too many boxes of them and won't really bother to count when they come to use so you sneaked two cans upstairs under your shirt and decided that it tasted awful but drank it anyways since you thought it would make you unquestionably cooler and a step closer to grown ups." Arizona slaps away Callie's hand, "Don't drink like that."

"Well, that was oddly specific."

"Tim and Nick were bad influences on innocent young minds, what can I say?"

Callie laughs and gives up trying to subtly snatch a can. "Okay, fine. No more beer."

"Good girl."

Callie pretends that those two words didn't just make her shift against the carpet and cross her legs. It's stupid how Arizona can make her squirm with two words. Stupid and embarrassing.

And totally not the moment.

She clears her throat, "Tim and Nick were bad influences, huh?"

Arizona shrugs, not noticing Callie's shift as she bars the door of the fridge and scoots over to sit in front of it. "Nick's big sister didn't do much good either, to be honest. I was always a little bit intimidated by her."

"Nick had a sister?"

"Yeah, her name was Caroline. Tim and Nick called her Cara, but I never felt cool enough to call her by a nickname since I was always the little one in the gang." Arizona's bright smile falters, and of course, Callie notices. "Well, that was up until three years ago when she phoned me about…"

Callie sees the twitch of Arizona's lip before it dawns on her. Pausing for a moment, she hesitantly asks, "Nick?"

"Yeah. A month after…the therapy session."

"Oh." Callie sucks in a breath. She shouldn't feel this guilty, she barely knew the guy and she was no longer Arizona's wife.

She was no longer much of _anything_ to Arizona at the time, but she can't help but feel that damn coil of guilt that she hadn't been there for Arizona in that storm.

And it also explains why Arizona was so affected by Nicole Herman's big operation.

Callie closes her eyes and pinches the side of her own thigh harshly, internally scolding herself. Not to feel guilty, not to feel like she owes anyone anything, not to feel like she always has to hold Arizona up gingerly since the plane crash.

Obviously, Arizona can manage perfectly well on her own now.

Callie just can't begin to imagine the painful days where she _just knows_ that Arizona has to gather all her courage to simply get out bed and look at her prothesis. And then Callie tells herself that she shouldn't automatically believe that Arizona couldn't do outstandingly in every aspect of her damn life without her.

"Stop feeling guilty, Calliope."

Callie snaps her eyes open and blinks at Arizona a little sheepishly. Of course Arizona would recognize that guilty smear of very guilty guilt on her face.

"Seriously, Callie. I think I can catch the guilt dripping out of your freaking pores from here."

Callie cracks the small curve of a smile and darts her eyes away for a second. "I, um, I'm sorry. I guess. Mhm. Sorry."

"No, don't be sorry." Arizona sighs and scoots closer to Callie so that their outstretched feet are touching and pushes Callie's foot gently with her own, like a foot-high-give but much quieter. "We both have a boatload of stuff to be sorry for, but this is not one of them."

Callie takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly.

"You're right. Soooo…should we apologize for what we did the other time around? Or do we…just chill around and maybe continue making out?"

Arizona lets out a short laugh and says, "Mm…maybe we can just say everything we're sorry for and then accept that all that stuff are not from this round, and know that they're the past?"

"Wow, look at us, mastering the forgotten art of communication."

Arizona laughs again, but louder and longer. She misses someone who can crack her up with stupid and sarcastic comments that are so _Callie_. And she misses someone who she'll laugh at, even when their jokes that are terribly not funny at all. "We're totally nailing this."

"Yup. No doubt."

"Totally."

"Should I start first?"

"Go ahead."

Callie smiles and composes herself for the rush of words that are due to sweep out of both their mouths now. "Okay. I'm sorry for leaving the therapists office without warning and just leaving you there. I really didn't know if I could make it out the door if I said too much beforehand."

Arizona smiles sadly and bumps Callie's foot again as comfort. "I know. And I'm grateful for you walking out for giving us both the chance to run around in this full circle before coming back together."

"Thanks."

"Okay. I'm sorry for…every infidelity in the marriage. I wasn't okay and there's no good reason, but you didn't deserve it. I can't just say it's was a mistake and that one bad thing doesn't make you a bad person and all that crap and expect it to be justified or forgiven, but I know that you deserved a fuck load more than what I was able to give you then."

Callie sucks in another sharp breath and her lashes flutter unevenly before they open to fix Arizona with a sad look. "Yeah. But you too. You deserved, as you say, a fuck load more than what I was able to give you then."

"I'm really sorry for that."

"I know. Bos-" Callie winces barely noticeably. Is it pathetic to not even be able to say her name? "Uh, the first one was forgiven. That, um, second one still hurts and I didn't have a lot of time to…come to terms with the…many times and the filed complaint…" Callie swallows hard. Yeah, she has raised her head to the sky countless times and asked it why she deserved all this. Why they _both_ deserved all this. "But…yeah. Forgiven. I mean, of course they both hurt, but how can I not forgive you?"

Arizona bumps her foot into Callie's again, sighing. "Sorry." She's not sure what she can say more.

"Hey, one sorry is enough. Maybe you did a lot of the drastic things, but I'm sorry for bad things too. We both hurt, I know that."

"Mhm."

"Okay. Now, I'm sorry for how I always used to cut you off and let my temper control my mouth. I'm sorry for all the unnecessary frustration my anger gave us."

Arizona smiles nervously and nods. "I'm sorry for hiring lawyers."

"I'm sorry for trying to take Sofia away from you without asking you and sorry for my idiot lawyers saying offensive things, _they're lawyers for god's sake_ , they could've worded everything much more elegantly. I was…"

Arizona traces a pattern on the carpet with her finger and gives Callie a soft look. "I get it." She clicks her tongue, "I'm sorry for not saying anything for my anger and letting it blow up in crappy places."

"I'm sorry for ever even giving you the idea that I'm implying you're less a parent to Sofia because you aren't biologically related."

"I'm sorry for treating you like a sack of potatoes after the crash and taking my frustration out on you."

"I'm sorry for not letting you talk when I get worked up."

"I'm sorry for Minnick."

"What?"

Arizona can't help but chuckle a little at the scrunched-up expression on Callie's face.

"Minnick isn't any of my business, Arizona. Who you get with when we're separated is not mine to feel anything over."

Arizona shrugs and licks her lips, feeling a little nauseous like she does every time she thinks of the woman. "I know. Maybe not sorry to you, but I am sorry for doing…whatever it was that I did with her. I guess her intentions were good for the hospital, but she was rude and disrespectful for all the efforts all the rest of the doctors have spent half their life pouring into it. She wasn't bad-looking so…I slept with her. She…you know what? Never mind, you don't need to hear all of the idiot conquests I relapsed on doing when I was in a bad place. I just always feel like that one bad choice will come back and slap me in the face someday."

Callie shrugs too, that shrug where she raises her shoulder really high and drops them recklessly down that always reminds Arizona of hang-gliding or free falling from a helicopter. "Like I said, not mine to judge. I think the nurses thought you guys were cute or hot or whatever together and that makes me a little bitter, but still, not mine to judge."

"Ah! That's the problem! I don't give a damn if we were cute or hot or not, the thing wasn't morally okay. I turned my back on my friends and my hospital and my values for what, orgasms that I can count on one hand?"

Callie chuckles smugly and says, "I bet I can give you far better orgasms that are far more worth it." But seeing the forlorn speck in Arizona's eyes, she adds, "Don't be ashamed, Arizona. You were in a bad and dark and uncool place. I'm not judging you for it, and I'm not believing the twisted gossip the nurses yap about how you guys got serious enough to consider eloping."

At the mention of the gossip, Arizona actually proceeds to choke. On what, she has no idea, but the impulse to just choke as she hears the eloping was too strong to just _not_ choke.

So she choked.

"Arizona? Are you okay?"

"Y-Yeah. I just- urgh. The nurses actually think that?"

Callie cocks her head, not really getting why Arizona is so worried about this Eliza Minnick. The name feels…trippy when she thinks about it. "I think so, but that's just the nurses. They gossip about everything, Arizona."

"I know, I know. I just…they can gossip, Callie, they always gossip, and frankly, we've been pretty much been very gossip prone ever since we've set foot in the hospital."

"True."

"But I don't want them to start remembering me wrong. Do you get that?" Arizona picks at the carpet idly, "Gossip and twisting the truth into more interesting lies is different, you know? Maybe no one will remember I ever existed in fifty years, in a century, and that's okay. But when someone does remember me, I don't want them to remember me wrong. Even if they don't remember things the way I do, I don't want them to start remembering me wrong, you get that?"

"I do."

"Thank you. I wasn't Arizona Robbins after the crash and after you left. And you were right, we both needed time to find ourselves again."

Callie passes a hand through hair and bumps Arizona's foot again.

She understands that Arizona can be touchier on how her history makes her feel more or less worthy. Callie just wants to kiss her soft and tell her that she thinks Arizona as just Arizona is more than enough for her, but she knows that they're not there yet. It's there, and it's something they'll work on.

Callie feels like a fish flapping around on dry land for a moment. There are _so_ many things they have to work on.

But she chases that panic away by raising her head to take in Arizona's face again. It makes her calmer. She bites her lip and settles on dealing with whatever they see first.

"Are we good?"

Arizona raises her gaze from the floor to Callie and for the time since their apologies, she looks a bit more amused. "Of course we're good, Calliope. I'm so glad that we did that so smoothly."

"Me too."

"And now we agree on leaving them where they are and starting new?"

Callie nods with a grin and grabs her empty beer can to raise it. "We're starting new. To new beginnings and to us."

Arizona chuckles and grabs her own empty can to clink it against Callie's. "To new beginning and to us!"

And just like that, the dull clink of the cans seem to seal their new promise to try again (and again and again, until it works this time).

//

By some impeccable surgeon logic, they lied down on the carpeted floor next to each other and a bunch of pillows they'd snatched form the bed and the loveseat sometime during the night. Because having a perfectly comfortable bed about two feet away doesn't seem to cut it as being suitable enough to sleep on.

The lights in their room were all turned off when Arizona whined about not being able to sleep if they were all shining down on her like the sinister halo of some corrupted angel. Callie laughed and said that she was way too dramatic.

But still, a small lamp is still on since Callie hates sleeping in hotel rooms in the pitch black.

Arizona doesn't get it, but if Callie wants to light the lamp, then by all means, she's going to let Callie light the lamp. After enough teasing.

"Calliope?" No answer.

Arizona whispers again not giving up so easily, " _Calliope_?"

Arizona pokes Callie's back incessantly until she rolls over and fixes Arizona with the best glare she manages in the dark room. " _What_?"

"Hey, no need to be so grumpy."

"I'm trying to sleep. Because I have a _Ted talk_ on Sunday."

Arizona rolls her eyes even though she's sure that Callie won't see it. She just really needs to roll her eyes at Callie, whether it's acknowledged or not. "Just come closer."

"You know that the last time you said that we ended up making out until I almost died, right?"

"Oh my _god_ , just come closer and stop whining like a little girl."

Callie huffs, "Fine."

Scooting over the carpet, Callie inches closer to Arizona's body. Reaching an arm out, Arizona circles it around Callie's waist and pulls her flush against her body. Or more precisely, her face against Callie's body.

Snuggled into the crook of Callie's chest with the quiet thump, thump, thump of Callie's heart, Arizona sighs contently.

"I missed holding you like this and hearing your heart thump way too loudly."

Callie huffs again into Arizona's hair, "My heart thumps are perfectly normal and not too loud."

"Sure, sure."

"You're just squishing yourself into my boobs, don't pretend."

"Well, they're good boobs," Arizona says, muffled by those very boobs and hiding her smirk. She knew that one day she could use Callie's remarks back on herself. She's feeling pretty proud right now.

"Oh my— You tell me we're going slow and then you crush your face into my boobs."

"They're _good boobs_."

"Okay yeah, they are, but still."

"I thought you wanted to go to sleep."

"I do."

"Cool, then sleep."

"Fine. But for the record, I know my boobs are really good boobs."

"Mine are better."

"No. I have the best boobs."

"Just go to sleep, Calliope."

" _Fine_."

Callie closes her eyes and tangles a hand in Arizona's hair and sighs quietly to herself.

She always loved Arizona's hair. Now that it's short again, Callie's loving it more than ever. It seems that every time they were in need of a new beginning, Arizona's hair would magically get to the length of her chin. After Erica, after the storm, and now after almost two years of New York.

It's magic hair.

Just like Arizona's magic smile.

Maybe everything about Arizona is magic.

Callie snorts softly to herself. This perky and rainbows is really rubbing off of her.

But she'll forgive it just for tonight, because she kissed Arizona and it's understandable to feel stupidly giddy. Like, she really _kissed_ Arizona.

Not a fearful kiss under the lamppost or a desperate kiss in a bathroom or an excited peck on the mouth after coming back to each other, but a real, honest to god, shaking-her-down-to-her-bones kiss. And it was awesome. Really awesome.

But something did change. After they broke apart the kiss and worked to regrasp the rhythm of breathing, something changed and Callie is sure that they both felt it before diving into the apologies. It's just one of those things she's inexplicably sure about, like a spider sense, like how she just knows that that particular length of titanium rods will work on that particular leg, like how she just knows Arizona is looking up at her face without opening her eyes. It's a little loopy and hard to believe, but she just _knows_.

It's the apologies that made the final shift in the change, she decides.

Now, the pretty pink bubble that they floated around in for the past week after they agreed to is popped.

It's a change.

She can't really say if it's a good change or a bad change yet.

The very definitive definition of good and bad is overrated anyways. They were always existing in shades of grey. And maybe occasionally a splash of random colour that makes no sense at all. But she liked them that way…and that is that.

Callie doesn't open her eyes but smiles a little when she feels Arizona's breathing even out against her chest. She's certain that her heart beat is crazy irregular after all that's passed tonight, but she's just glad that Arizona might hear it and know that she's as excited about this as she is.

Even if she's not very sure how to love Arizona anymore. Because simply loving Arizona didn't work the first time around, right?

But maybe that'll be a problem to worry about another time.

Yes, this is that. This change is what popped the bubble of blind happy they were bobbing through for the past week. This is exactly what Callie is feeling right now.

This is called uncertainty, panic and doubt, if Callie remembers her words right.

Damn, she would give herself a pat on the back if Arizona doesn't have her wrapped tightly in her arms (not that she's complaining).

This is called needing to figure out how to cope with all this change and emotion. All this unused love that got buried into herself when she walked away from the therapist's office is just threatening to snap her open at the seams and send her flying.

But Callie has no idea how to use it.

They've changed so much since being apart, and maybe this night was just a waking-up call to slap Callie in the face and remind her that it takes more than chilling out with the other person to make a relationship work. Frankly, with all her years of med school and internship and residency, no one's taught her the sutures it takes to sew up the cracks between two people.

Should she try buried or continuous sutures for this one?

She has no idea.

But she knows that it's something she'll need to figure out with Arizona. Later.

Well, bless her crap luck. They weren't the best at dealing with this before.

//

Hotels also have a knack for never letting Callie sleep past eight in the morning. Just like how she can close her eyes on a car and be dead to the world until someone yells in her ear.

Usually, Callie would easily be knocked out until noon, but the combination of nerves and hotel rooms somehow made her crack an eye open at half past seven. True to her marine ways, Arizona is already up and making a coffee.

Callie grunts and rolls over on the floor, burying her head between two pillows. Unfortunately, that did nothing to prevent Arizona from chirping out her name and come fluttering and skipping over.

"Let me sleep, Arizona," Callie says, muffled by the pillows.

"You never sleep well in hotels anyway, Callie, you and I both know that. Get up, get up, rise and shine!"

Callie groans again and buries her head deeper. "Why did we decide sleeping on the floor was a good idea? Our first night together in so long is on the floor, Arizona."

"Because the night always makes people do stupid stuff, now up!"

By eight, Arizona successfully dragged Callie up, made her dress and shower (separately, to Callie's disappointment), and ushered her down to the breakfast bar. The morning slugged by uneventfully, to Callie's dismay, since she was secretly hoping aliens would invade or something and make the Ted talk unable to be continued.

She glances at her watch, "Hey, Cristina is going to arrive soon, we should go outside to welcome her in or something."

Arizona sniggers, "I doubt Cristina would appreciate that."

"Oh, please, she just won a Harper Avery last year, people will be all over her."

"Sure, whatever you say."

"I'm right."

"Yeah, Callie Torres the Great is always, always, always right."

Callie spread her arms out wide and takes an overdramatic bow, "Thank you, thank you."

Arizona rolls her eyes and says, "I think I'll go back up and clean up the room a little while you wait. If you guys aren't back up when I'm done, I'll consider coming down to see if Cristina's skinned you yet."

"Pfft. Cristina and I are _tight_."

"Yeah, yeah. See you later."

Callie looks around and inches a little closer to Arizona. "Hey, so with this whole taking it slow thing…what's the take on public displays of affection?"

Arizona raises her eyebrows and turns back towards Callie, "Is this your way of asking me if you can kiss me goodbye?"

"Ehhh—"

Arizona laughs and drops a light kiss on the corner of Callie's mouth, "See you later, Calliope!"

Grinning like an idiot all over again, Callie waves, "Later."

It doesn't surprise her that Arizona can rip all the panicky bad thoughts away and shove a bunch of pink peonies in their place. It's the kind of bizarre effect Arizona has on Callie. Just like how she had to literally _pray_ just to hope to be able to accept some surgeon who has butterflies on her scrub cap, but now not be able to appreciate any scrub cap that doesn't have some ferociously and disgustingly perky pattern on it.

Well, in exception of Arizona's second scrub cap. She changed scrub caps a year after they got married because a patient spurted blood all over it and it wouldn't come completely off. Callie would rather take a nap on top of a ferris wheel than admit that she was bummed when Arizona tossed away her butterfly scrub cap and replaced it with one with only flowers.

As she wanders out of big brass rotating doors of the hotel, she hums an overly inappropriate pop song (they all are these days anyway) under her breath and kicks a pebble onto the lane in front of her. She would much prefer to whistle, it really looks much cooler, but whistling is one of the rare things that Callie Torres can not, for the life of her, master. She just sounds like a violent old bird trying to spit out a seed when she tries to. Mark tried to teach her many times over the years, but he eventually gave up and told her singing would make out for whistling anyways.

She smiles to herself.

And then pausing for a moment in the shade of a tree, she smiles even bigger.

This might be the very first time she's thought of Mark and didn't get pierced with the feeling of a sharp cup rapier. She really didn't feel that tearing in her chest; she smiled instead.

"Well, you look very smiley today, Dr. Torres."

Callie's smile doesn't fade and she turns around to greet the bob of blonde hair that appeared under the shade with her.

But this isn't the bob of blonde hair she was hoping would join. This blonde hair has a sleeker…scary look to it.

The face that's attached too. Slimmer, the smile narrower and more…hostile? She shouldn't pin a woman for hostility the moment she meets her, shouldn't she? But this has an unbalancing disturbance to it. She just can't quite place where. But this narrow smile, she thinks that she's met it before.

"Excuse me, you've—" Callie cuts herself short just as the moment that she grasps the memory that hit her in between the eyes like a double decker bus.

The piece of memory that ruined that perfect storm for her. The beginning of the end.

Or maybe the beginning of the end began long before she realized.

"Doctor…" She swallows harshly, willing some moisture to return into her mouth. "Boswell. What a pleasure to meet you again."

"Why, you too, Dr. Torres. It's been a wonderful weekend of Ted talks, hasn't it?"

Callie blinks. This woman is talking to her.

To her.

"Yes, it's been wonderful."

Does she not remember anything?

The woman smiles at her, showing her teeth. She seems to be searching for something to talk about. Callie wonders why she came forward to speak if she has to search so hard for something to talk about. If Callie, god forbid, did anything this woman did, she would do anything to avoid that part of her life down to the very end of it.

She _does_ realise it wasn't something to be proud of, doesn't she?

"So," the woman, as Callie keeps referring her to in her mind, because thinking about putting a name to this hurts a little too much to be done in public, says, "How is your wife?"

Callie blinks harder. She heard right, didn't she? "She…"

"Oh right, I'm sorry. I heard that you got divorced. I'm sorry."

"Uh, yeah."

Lauren opens her mouth and then closes it rapidly. A look of realization flashes across her face and she turns a splotchy shade of pink. She has the balls to smile tentatively.

Calli can't believe it.

This little twat forgot— _fucking forgot_ —that she slept with her _wife_.

She can't believe it.

She can't.

Callie doesn't see red often, she's a surgeon, she deals with high-tension situations in her sleep. But _wow_ , she has got to study her neuro field better, because she didn't realise she can actually see _so much freaking red_ until now.

All that she can do is to not snap this twat's neck outside a Ted conference.

"Dr. Boswell. Walk away."

The woman seems to have regained her self-respect fast. Or that the realization didn't perturb her self-respect at all, if she has any. "Why?"

"Why?" Callie takes a deep breath, " _WHY?_ "

"Mhm."

" _Boswell_ —"

Lauren's face is blank and innocent. "You got divorced, didn't you? I heard it from some friends who work at Seattle Pres. Such a shame—or not, actually—it means that Arizona is free now, doesn't it?"

" _Boswell_ —"

"Oh, does she still work at that sorry excuse of a hospital? Grey-Sloan? She must have been really damn miserable in her marriage to be messed up enough to stay in that messed up place. It's no secret that the hospital practically kills its doctors. What was it that Arizona lost her leg in?" She seems to be having a monologue. She's tapping her fingers on her chin and bouncing on her feet, "That plane crash? Your hospital didn't even find them in time, right? I think two chaps snapped from that thing."

Callie is rooted to her spot. Lauren has hit her in every place that hurts.

Arizona, the hospital, the plane crash. How fucking helpless she was is all of them.

From the rapier that is now very well stabbing right in her chest, to desperately trying to not let the tears of frustration seep out, all Callie can do is stand. She's shaking.

And Lauren doesn't take notice.

"Oh anyway, it's all boring crap for PR probably. Oh—have I apologized for the thing with Arizona? I mean, I'm just putting it out here, I don't actually have much to apologize for, it was all perfectly consensual. She was the one who locked the door of the on-call room, even," she sighs and smiles in her unique serpent-like way, "she made the first move, anyway."

Callie forces herself to loosen her jaw a little. She can barely feel her mouth. She can't remember gritting her teeth.

She's never been more ashamed.

She can't even talk in front of this woman.

"HEY!"

Lauren turns her head around, still having her arms crossed in front of her chest so cockily and searches for the source of the loud interruption.

The well-timed interruption.

Callie slowly tilts her head around to look too. Her neck creaks under the weight of all that hurts, of all that's leaked into the cracks in her bones to make her whole body so damn heavy.

A shiny motorcycle silences its engine just as its driver jogs with alarming speed towards them. Callie only registers the head of curly hair when Cristina stops next to her.

"Callie? Are you okay?"

Callie purses her lips and then releases them. "I'm fine." Her voice is so quiet. Cristina whips her head around to Lauren, in a much colder tone, "And who are you?"

The woman isn't fazed at all and sticks out a hand promptly, "Lauren. Lauren Boswell, craniofacial specialist."

"Boswell? Boswell…" Cristina looks back at Callie, who's pallor scares her. And then she gets it. "Oh."

Cristina's icy look says all that she didn't put into words. "Dr. Boswell. You visited Grey-Sloan a few years ago on a cleft pallet kid, right?"

"Exactly. Nice to meet you…?"

"Dr. Yang."

"Ah, of course. Nice to meet you, Dr. Yang. I see you're attending this conference like we are. It really has been a wonderful time so far." Lauren flicks her eyes back to Callie, her phoniness dripping from every letter. "Dr. Torres and I here were just talking about how it was such a shame she got divorced. _We_ think that it might be a good idea to give me Arizona's number now."

Cristina only needed one glance in Callie's direction when she was nearing on her motorcycle to know that something was wrong. Callie never looked this meek and helpless. Callie never took shit from anyone. Callie never hesitated to start yelling and unleash her fury when it was called for.

Cristina never saw Callie being sneered to by a scrawny asshat blonde and not bite back. She knew something wasn't right.

"Well, Dr. Torres and I think that you should skitter away before I run you over with my motorcycle."

Lauren only seemed surprised for a moment before going back to her smug façade. "Well, well, well, Dr. Yang, that is no way to greet a fellow surgeon. _I_ think that you can get your beanpole little legs to scram while Dr. Torres and I continue our discussion. Do you think you can just give up on this pleasant conversation like how you gave up on Arizona, Torres?"

"Don't you have better things to do with your time apart from being a dimwitted homewrecker, Boswell?"

"Homewrecker?" Lauren puts a hand on her chest in even phonier disgrace and glares at Cristina, "I told you, Arizona made the first move. _She_ locked the door and kissed _me_. I simply gave into the temptations. Who knows how that crappy plane messed with her head? Seems to me that that crash served as a wake-up to her that her wife was an incapable girl and that two chaps bit the dust when they had nothing better to do—"

"You're going to stop _right there_ , fuckballs," Cristina snarls, " _You_ don't get to talk about Callie _or_ the crash. _You_ can leave."

"I don't see why not, the last girl I did in the back of a bar did very much leave her wife afterwards and pursued me. What you see here," Lauren gestures to herself, "is just sought after. Ask Arizona."

 _Of course_ this egg makes screwing married woman a hobby. Of-fucking-course.

 _Of course_ she would just take advantage of Arizona and then go up to Callie and then only remember that she screwed her ex-wife in an on-call room in _her_ hospital almost four years ago after a moment.

Cristina swears under her breath and pulls her surgical face on.

This fried chicken fuck doesn't deserve anymore emotion from either of them. "What I see there," she wiggles a single finger in disgust in the woman's direction, "is a sack of blood without skills or morals. Oh wait," she pauses dramatically and fixes her cold stare on Lauren's face and adds, "Never mind. I see some potential for a talentless bollock that lives with a couple of college frat boys when she's seventy. That's only, like, three years away, isn't it?"

Callie is still staring straight ahead at Lauren Boswell, scarily still, and her eyes are wide and unwavering. She can feel the anger, but she can't talk.

If she talks, she'll scream, and she'll cry, and she'll lose control.

It's pathetic.

Freaking pathetic to let this woman have so much effect over her.

Lauren rolls her eyes, "Yes, so talentless that the chief of Cleveland Clinic personally requested for me by her side while she visits the conferences this year. Is Torres over here with tickets sold on Ebay?"

"Callie here is _giving_ one of the speeches tomorrow at this conference. Talk about Callie like that again, and you won't like what I use to scalp you."

"Oh, you're going to scalp me with your useless, precious, intern hands or are you going to knock me out with your ego first?"

Cristina remains stone cold, not giving out under the stare of the woman, "No, actually, I'm going to knock you out with my two Harper Averies, and then scalp you with the scalpel I keep in my shoe."

That shut Lauren up.

At least, for a good ten seconds before another voice interrupts them.

" _Hey!_ Cristina? Callie?"

Cristina and Lauren both swivel their heads around to meet the newcomer. Arizona is by Callie's side in an instant, as freaked out as Cristina when she sees the scary blankness on her face. The pallor doesn't mix well with Callie's usually beautiful skin.

It resembled the muddy shade when snow meets road as soon as Lauren opened her mouth to introduce herself.

A slimy voice digs into the space between Arizona's worry and Callie's blankness. " _Arizona!_ I didn't know you were here!"

Arizona whips around to face her. Her eyes widen and her fists are already half-way up when Cristina grabs hold of her arms.

"Not worth it, Robbins."

Arizona grunts and shakes Cristina's hands off her and squeezes herself between Callie and Lauren. "It's Dr. Robbins or nothing to you."

"Aw, come on, Arizona. You're free from Callie here now, aren't you? What do you say about a cup of coffee sometime this weekend, huh?"

"It's Doctor Robbins _. Or. Nothing._ "

//

Arizona hisses the words at Lauren and steps fully in front Callie, like her body might make some of the venom shooting out of the woman's mouth to spare Callie.

How she wishes it were true.

"Callie here hasn't said a thing, you know. I think she's fine with it, or maybe she's come to her senses and realised that she's better off shutting up. Right, Callie?"

Oh no.

Oh hell no.

Lauren can harass her to go out for coffee, but Lauren _will not_ insult Callie.

Arizona glances back at Callie, expecting her fury to be unleashed any second.

But Callie just continues standing there, not saying anything for herself. Arizona waits and waits and waits (the few seconds feel like a million years), but Callie doesn't explode.

And it breaks her fucking heart.

Callie doesn't take crap from anyone. Not even the chief of surgery.

But now, Callie is just standing there and letting this immoral waffle run her mouth over everything that Arizona _knows_ hurts the most. And she still looks so blank.

Arizona whisks her head around and grits her teeth. "Callie is none of your business, and I have no interest in breathing the same air as you. If you would kindly walk away, that would be just fantastic for all of us before one of us throws a punch."

"Or pull out the scalpel in their shoe," Cristina adds.

"You weren't this unwelcoming when I was telling you how hot you looked in the elevators at Grey-Sloan, Robbins."

" _Doctor_ Robbins," Arizona snarls, and just as she's about to put this unethical dung beetle back in her place, she feels a cold air on her back. Glancing behind her, she sees Callie walking off quickly around the corner of the hotel, faster and faster away from the three of them.

Her stomach drops a little, and her boldness wears off a bit. Her boldness always wears off a bit when Callie isn't there.

"Oh, Dr. Torres there seems to have given up on you again, Dr. Robbins."

And then she doesn't need boldness to start yelling at this particular dung beetle.

Arizona whips around, " _Shut your fucking trap._ "

Even Cristina looks a tad surprised when Arizona starts spitting out words left and right. Surprised and impressed.

" _Callie_ was the only person who didn't give up on me when even I gave up on myself. _She_ stuck by me even when your sorry arse took advantage of me. _She_ gave up her happiness to let me have someone to blame. _She_ had the decency to take up the responsibility of supporting a family when I was unable to. _She_ didn't get to grieve for her best friend and her wife because she needed to take care of what her wife became. _She_ still managed to excel in her career and be invited to talk at the most important conference in the world. She might not always be perfect, she might have done hurtful things, but she is _ten times_ the surgeon or the human that you will _EVER_ be."

Lauren's passive raise of an eyebrow just makes Arizona even angrier.

"Oh, you puny little shit, _raise that eyebrow again_. GO ON, raise it again, and I'll stick my fist somewhere you won't like—"

Cristina grabs Arizona by the shoulders and turns her away. "Robbins. Not worth it. Go check on Callie, I'll deal with this egg."

Arizona opens her mouth to object, and then closes it again. Cristina is right, Callie needs her.

Callie won't probably say it out loud, and Arizona probably needs to see Callie more than Callie needs her at the moment, but Cristina is right; she needs to go to Callie. Instead of trying to stuff some values into a sorry excuse of an overcooked asshat.

Arizona takes a deep breath and holds it.

"I'm going to go see Callie. Call us when you need to get in the room."

Arizona spins around and doesn't spare another look at Lauren. She doesn't need to let that face taint her memories anymore than it already did.

Right before she turns around the corner Callie turned around, she stops and lets out the breath she was holding. She can still faintly hear a pounding in her ears, but she can quietly admit to herself that lashing out at that woman was a bit unprofessional of her.

She pauses in the middle of the cement path and stares at a lone dandelion growing out of the crack in a stone. She grinds a string of very graphic obscenities through her teeth to herself.

She feels just the tiniest better now.

She takes another deep breath and rounds the corner, seeking out that familiar face in the trees. She finds Callie almost right away, slumped, sitting on the stairs leading to a back door that leads to god knows where, with her head thrown back and her eyes closed, facing the sky.

Well, as much as she can see of the sky, when there's a whole tribe of trees that are growing wildly and tangling their branches with each other.

Arizona sighs softly to herself and takes a moment to look at Callie. Only a few seconds, she knows that she should go up and talk to her.

Callie looks like a damn renaissance painting. Like Da Vinci created her out of cheap paint and genius brain, giving her that forlorn and sorrowful expression, looking up to the sky, in a silent prayer that this horrible fate will stop following her and the people she loves. The metal stairs and the rusty railings look surreal too.

Arizona can't help but wonder if her name is on the list of people Callie loves anymore.

Arizona shoves her hands into her pockets and takes a few steps forward, fidgeting with the candy she has her hands around.

"Hey."

Callie jumps a little, and snaps her eyes open. Arizona's chest clenches even more when she sees the red rims adorning them.

This is barely Callie at all.

Of course Arizona was the victim of Callie's short fuse enough times to know that it does more bad than good, but Callie simply taking the insults and hurt from someone like Lauren?

That hurts Arizona too. She doesn't want to see Callie like this.

She doesn't want to know that she played a part in seeing Callie like this.

Callie twists one of the corners of her mouth into a crooked smile, "Hey."

Arizona smiles at her too, a little nervously.

"Sit down."

Callie scoots against the railing and pulls her legs up in front her, letting Arizona sit on the stairs too, against the railings on the other side. Arizona looks at Callie's tired face and pulls her hand out of her pocket.

"Give me your hand," Arizona says. Callie hesitates for a second, and then extends her hand, palm up. Arizona places the lollipop on it and smiles again, "You need a lollipop."

Callie drops her chin against her chest and Arizona sees her chuckle silently.

"Thank you."

"Anytime."

Arizona stuff her hands back deep in her pockets.

She's afraid that if she doesn't bind them to her jeans, she'll reach out and hold Callie so tight that neither of them would be able to breathe anymore.

The colonel always scolded her when she did it in her younger years. He said it was unladylike and bad posture. But both he and Tim always had at least one hand buried deep into a pocket, so Arizona inherited the habit no matter how many times her father told her to take her hands out.

Callie found it hot when they started dating, and that certainly didn't help at all in making Arizona give up the habit.

Screw being ladylike, she can do whatever she wants with her own hands.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Callie shakes her head, "Not yet."

"Okay."

Arizona stretches her legs and catches a glimpse of Callie's tight fist. She's holding something.

As if reading her mind, Callie opens her other hand and shows Arizona the key chain that has dug a pill shaped imprint onto Callie's palm. Arizona looks up at Callie again and smiles a little bigger, a little more sincere.

This is comfort that Callie indirectly searched from her.

Even with all these things that they've both done, Callie is still holding onto them.

Even with all these things that they've done.

Callie sighs and closes her eyes, "Did you know that Meredith once said that those who forget history are doomed to repeat it?"

"I think it was Churchill that said that first, actually," Arizona says, but her chuckle dies in her throat and she freezes. She doesn't know what Callie's implying. "You're not going to run, right?" Arizona can't really tell if she directed the quiet question at Callie or herself.

She doesn't want to know that they are faced with these choices again. To run, to stay, to yell, to talk. To lose the delicate pink bubble they were floating, to clash with their changes, to try to sew up the cracks between them.

The universe is funny.

Cats like to eat fish, but they can't swim in water. Fish like to eat worms, but they can't walk on earth. Just like her and Callie, they gain and they lose, they own and then they have nothing. It's warped and it's funny.

When they choose one thing, they're giving up the alternate universe that might've existed with the other choice. They choose something and they give something else up.

Callie shakes her head, "Of course I'm not running."

"Okay."

"We're starting fresh. The world isn't over yet. I just…"

Arizona nods and mumbles, "I get it."

Callie nods too, licking her lips, and looks back upwards again. As if looking upwards will tempt gravity to keep the tears down and not let them come rolling down.

They don't come, and Arizona is relieved. And guilty.

She shouldn't wish for Callie to not cry when she's the salt behind half the tears.

Arizona wishes that she could buy a chunk of time and hang it on the fridge, just to prove that they were here. To prove that they were in love once, that they were happy once, that they were not the ones who were constantly falling down on their knees all the time once.

"We'll talk later. I just really needed to sit down."

"I'll sit here with you," Arizona tells her, because later is okay.

So what if it's late?

They've waited so long already, so late is okay. They can be late to the togetherness.

As long as they can have it eventually.

As long as it's with Callie.

> _With all these things I've done,_
> 
> _If you can hold on..._


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a flashback, and that's why there are dates. I took some inspiration from the book 'History Is All You Left Me' for this chapter (Adam Silvera books are YA but damn, I cry every time I read them).  
> Enjoy :)

_**NO REGRETS** _

_**MAGIC!** _

> _The world isn’t over yet, we still got a chance to place our bets._
> 
> _We both made a little mess, nothing our two hearts can’t put back._

_JULY 12, 2018_

Callie isn’t sure how long they sat there, fiddling with the keychain in her hands and facing the sky with her eyes closed. She isn’t sure how Arizona feels.

She doesn’t know how she feels either.

The cheating isn’t new, she had almost four years to come to terms with that. But she really didn’t expect it to still be able to form a fist and punch in her in the guts when Lauren popped up under the tree.

But she keeps telling herself that she can’t keep the past in such a tight grip when they’re in the present. Thinking about it makes her doubt Arizona, doubt them both, and she can’t doubt them when they’re trying to rebuild this.

She can feel Arizona eyes on her. She can feel them boring holes into her face, into her chest, into her arms. God, Arizona.

Callie digs her fingers into her palm and drops her head on her hand.

The anger is a bit too late. The anger wasn’t there when that woman was sneering in her face, but the anger is here now, when Arizona is sitting beside her. She opens her mouth, willing some moisture back into her mouth. “Arizona…”

From the corner of her eye, she can see Arizona’s head shoot up and look at her. She hears a whispered, “Yes?”

Callie licks her lips. This anger is different. This anger is tearing her up into shreds inside, and she doesn’t want to let it spew out from her lips in the form of a yelling match, but she also knows that it’s digging its sharp claws into the walls of her stomach. It’s hurting herself more than it hurts anyone.

This was something new Arizona had taught her. How missing someone could bring physical pain. She can remember the pain in her chest with every step she took leading out of the therapist’s office. “Did you…think of me at all?”

When she’s met with silence, she doesn’t bother to look up. She doesn’t care if her voice is cracking and trembling and absolutely pathetic. “Did you…think of me _at all_ when you…fell so far below the line?”

Silence.

Callie sighs into her hand. Her face is hurting a bit where the hand is propped, but she doesn’t want to move. She didn’t really expect Arizona to answer either.

This is one more thing Arizona’s taught her. That it was okay to walk away, when taking care of someone else was destroying herself. That it was okay to stand up and tell Arizona she loved her, but this was as far as she was able to go.

“I tried not to.”

Callie makes no move to show that she heard Arizona’s answer. It didn’t surprise her. After a while, she sighs again in frustration. And then she’s worse off because all she can do with this goddamn anger is _sighing_. “You know…I’ve wished and wished that I chose another speciality.”

Arizona doesn’t answer. Callie continues quietly, almost although she’s talking to herself. “Maybe cardio. I was always good at hearts. I helped Cristina practise her stitches during her intern year until one in the morning.” Callie chews the inside of her cheek for two seconds and closes her eyes, “Ortho works with PTSD everyday. I wish I hadn’t. It made it so much harder to hate you. It made it too easy to forgive you.”

Callie scoffs to herself, she’s being so fucking pathetic. She hates it. Who is she kidding? She would’ve forgiven Arizona either way. When all is said and done, she loved Arizona, and that was enough to make her give out and forgive.

This is another thing Arizona has taught her. How love doesn’t conquer all, that saving someone else is not her job to do. This idea that she could save Arizona, that they could be different than the reports Callie read in her line of work, it wasn’t an idea that had the potential to be executed.

Saving Arizona, it was up to Arizona. It wasn’t her fault that she was suddenly dealt such a terrible hand, but it was Arizona’s responsibility not to fold. To seek out help.

She hates love sometimes. Hate and love.

They’re so hard to separate and throw against.

See, the universe is being its hilarious self again. It put these two as next-door neighbors. Best friends. Twins. They skip down the road hand in hand, and if Callie doesn’t pay attention, she slips from love to hate, and then hate to love without warning.

“I’m sorry.”

Callie chews her cheek harder when she hears Arizona’s apology. She can’t look up and look at Arizona’s sad face. She can’t. She hears Arizona continuing in a cross of mumbling and whispering.

“I really am. But sorry doesn’t fix anything, I know. I…I don’t even what I was thinking then now. It’s like I’m remembering bits of my life that weren’t lived by me.” Callie forces herself to loosen her jaw and her tongue tastes slightly metallic. Arizona keeps going, like she’s afraid that she’ll never be able to talk again if she doesn’t talk now. “Nothing will ever justify what I did to you. Or what I said to you. You lost a hell of a lot.”

Callie grunts softly, and considers looking up. She gave the anger time to fade already, and she thinks she’s ready to talk now.

“I wasn’t myself, but you were still Callie and you were hurt so bad. I’m so sorry, Calliope, I’m so, so sorry. I’ve never even thanked you for everything you did for me.”

She gets what Arizona means a little. She gets not being able to understand yourself when you look back. It’s memories that are twisted and she isn’t even sure what was real and what was a construction from her own mind.

Callie steadies her heartbeat and wonders that if she’ll remember exactly how she’s feeling now the next time Arizona and her has an argument. Because there definitely will be a next time, and a next, and a next. She wonders if she’ll remember these moments right, she wonders how much of this reality is hers to keep in her head.

She hopes she can still remember all the happy times as well as she can remember the pain.

//

Arizona’s gaze flutters over Callie’s hair, Callie’s hands, Callie’s slumped body. She hates that she has caused so much pain when she was in pain. She hates that the way she dealt with her pain was inflicting pain.

She hates her old head to think midnight booty-calling a fucking intern was an acceptable idea for even a damn second.

Now, Arizona supposed she saw something she didn’t think she had the right to… have, so she ruined it. It was a goddamn problem and she didn’t seek help until after Callie left. She can’t even recall and feel again anything she felt. She can’t recall the dumbass logic that lead her up to breaking Callie’s heart so many times. And it’s unfair, she knows, it’s so unfair that she gets to forget that part when Callie can still remember everything she felt.

Arizona just wishes she didn’t forget any more. She can’t have herself forgetting the history she has with Callie, not even a little bit.

She couldn’t let herself be jealous over Penny, because that girl loved Callie better than Arizona could’ve loved her then. And it hurts, and it pricks, but it was what it was. If she couldn’t love Callie properly, then she would hope to god that Callie will find someone that can.

As if reading her mind, Callie finally looks up.

And Arizona gets even better acquainted with the physical pain her heart can squeeze out when it sees Callie that way. When she sees Callie with red-rimmed eyes and anger behind her eyes that she can’t let go of.

Before Arizona can say something else, Callie beats her to it. “Do you remember the night you gave me those plane tickets?”

Arizona suppresses the sudden urge to scoff. Of course she remembers.

When Callie left therapy, it didn’t feel real. And then after that, Arizona was walking around in a state of half-asleep for months. Callie leaving for New York snapped a layer of fog around her zombie head. _That_ felt real.

And reality sucked.

“Of course I remember.”

Callie nods, flicking her eyes away from Arizona again. “That was me finally letting myself be happy. That was me finally putting myself first, you have to understand that.”

“I know.”

“It was the first thing I did for myself and no one else since a long, long time.”

That night, all Arizona had left to hold onto were memories. Their history.

It didn’t make her feel better, but it made her want to scream a little less. Because she knew that she still has bits and parts of Callie no one will ever get to have. They had exclusive memories, memories that only they remember, memories that only they were there to live.

Even when she was stuck in a universe without Callie, even when Callie was gone making new history with new people, _they_ still had _their_ history. And no one, no hurt, no gossip that judged them can ever change the history they carry. Their share of love that split in half between the two of them.

And Arizona had fell in love with this nostalgia only _she_ owns over Callie time and time again.

Of course Arizona remembers that night.

It had almost snapped her in two.

_MAY 19, 2016 -_

Arizona doesn’t know how she ended up at Callie’s new front door. She can barely remember anything from the past few months. She can’t remember what she had for dinner yesterday and she can’t remember what surgeries she performed last week. She’s a zombie from one of those comic books Sofia keeps under her pillow. She strokes Sofia’s soft black hair and grounds herself in this world.

Only, this moment is starting to feel real. So terribly real.

She’s starting to wish that it would stop feeling so real.

She can feel it burrowing its way under her skin and into her blood stream. It makes her want to crawl out of her own body.

Arizona knocks on the door before she can chicken out and let her grief banish her back into her zombie state of mind. This is something she needs to do and _really_ feel, even if it hurts. She can’t imagine what it will be like if she didn’t get to feel what’s about to happen.

She _has to_ feel this.

The door clicks and swings open and Arizona heart breaks for the millionth time this week. She sees Callie’s sad face light up into a smile and a gasp and then fall slightly right the second after.

Sofia wiggles out of Arizona’s hands and yells, “Hey mom!” And runs into the room behind Callie.

Callie pulls herself out of a slight daze and spins back towards Arizona, “W-What’s going on?”

Arizona licks her lips and clears her throat.

It’s now or never.

“Plane tickets.”

She pulls the envelope out from under elbow and digs her toes into her shoe. These fucking tears have got to stay at fucking bay at least for one more fucking minute. She meets Callie’s confused look. She doesn’t know when they started regarding each other with this wariness. “Bring her back next weekend…” Callie finally moves to take the envelope. “And I want all summer and every other school year. I…I want Christmas this time but you can get next time and…I’ll figure out the rest of the details.”

Arizona squeezes out a smile and wow, this reality is dizzying. She can’t even believe she’s doing this.

It’s too late anyway. She’s lost herself in this reality anyway.

Callie flickers her eyes to the sky and then to Arizona again, like she’s not sure if this is reality either. “W-What?” She finally cracks a smile and even if she’s stuttering and in an old sweater from years ago, she’s all that Arizona can see and think about. “A-Are you saying…?”

Arizona sighs and somehow the both of them find the strength to keep this civil and quiet and smiling. “Listen, we did this wrong. We had a chance to do it right and…missed it.” Callie trembles and looks like she’s about to cry.

They really didn’t cry so easily before.

“Are y-you saying…?”

“I’m saying that,” Arizona blinks and looks away for the fraction of a second that her tears are about to fall. She can’t let them fall. Not today. Not now. Not in front of Callie. “Sofia deserves two happy moms. I’m saying…let’s all be happy.”

Because Arizona doesn’t hold to power to make Callie happy anymore.

She took that for granted for a little and now she finally lost it.

Arizona sees the small spark of happy in Callie’s eyes and she doesn’t know how to feel about it. It’s there because she finally decided to do something for Callie. It’s there because Callie wants to leave with Penny.

“Thank you.”

And then Arizona finds herself in Callie’s arms all over again.

And she hates it that Callie is _over her_ enough to give hugs without a second thought and be okay with it.

Because Arizona is so _not okay_ with it. Because Arizona won’t let go if she lets herself melt into this hug.

This doesn’t feel like something that would happen to them. If they looked at this moment through a telescope five years ago, they would say that they’ve got the wrong people. This isn’t something that can happen to people like them, people who tried so hard, people who save lives, people who’ve been through so much together.

Arizona clenches her teeth and lifts her eyes and smells Callie’s long hair for the last time. Callie shouldn’t be the one crying. Arizona should be the one crying. But she can’t. She can’t cry.

Callie already loves Penny, what else can Arizona do? She can only give Callie a chance at the happiness that she deserves. This the last bit of love that she can offer Callie. Maybe ever.

It sucks that nothing can guarantee them a forever. Not all the years they’ve walked together side by side, not if Arizona loves Callie, not Callie’s job, not their promises, not even their marriage.

Nothing can fucking guarantee a forever.

No matter how hard she loves, it’s over. No matter how hard she loves, this is goodbye. She doesn’t know how she can just hand both her girls over to another person, but she’s doing it.

So that’s that.

Arizona lets go before she can tighten her hold and try to keep Callie here.

“Hey, stop crying.”

She can’t remember Callie crying. Callie needs to hold it for a bit too. Arizona needs to remember Callie right.

“Sorry. Sorry.” Callie chuckles and wipes her face. Arizona pays attention to how she’s treating those plane tickets like a treasure, how Callie keeps them away from her tears, as if a little bit of wetness will dim her chances of being with Penny again. For a moment, Arizona wants to take them and tear them in half and tell Callie that she still loves her. Arizona still loves her, still loves her, will always love her.

But she can’t guarantee that either.

“Uh, come in.” Callie shuffles awkwardly to the side and says, “You can put Sofia to bed and drink something before you go. It’s late.”

Arizona opens her mouth to say no, because if she goes in, she might never come out again. But like always, when it comes to Callie, she opens her mouth to decline but what comes out instead is “Okay.” She smiles again. She wants Callie to remember her smiling. “You can go get your stuff together in a few suitcases and I’ll take care of Sofia.”

“Thank you.”

That seems to be all Callie can say.

This is important.

Yeah, Arizona should’ve realised that before she stepped into Callie’s house, but this is a different importance. A finality. Not the end of an era, but bam in the middle of a particularly horrible one.

The era of watching the world around them crash and burn. The era of unhappy endings. The era of goodbyes.

She still remembers the nights they sat on Callie’s bedroom floor, not giving a crap about Cristina sleeping down the hall. She remembers the days they used to waste in bed, tangled, laughing until their stomachs hurt. She remembers pinning Callie up to the wall, undressed, and tasting each other on their tongues.

This house she’s walking through doesn’t have much of anything to remember. It’s not apartment 502. It’s not the apartment where they had their first dance party, their first night together, their first I love you’s. Their apartment is gone now, and this house doesn’t hold any memories that belongs to them.

They both said that they loved higher than they knew they could go. And this era, watching the world crashing down, they did too. They burned too bright and now they’re falling, falling, falling down.

The hardest part is knowing when to fucking let go. And this is as far as Callie is able to go.

She walks through this unfamiliar house with unfamiliar smells and unfamiliar versions of Callie that lives between its walls.

She hears the clank of suitcases and boxes in the room next to Sofia’s. Callie must be impatient to go.

“Hey, Sof.”

Sofia turns around and grins when she sees her mommy. “Mommy!”

Arizona grins too. The grin she gives Sofia comes easier, even if she doesn’t have the energy to be happy. “You remember what I told you about mama and mommy, right?” Sofia nods, and she continues, “Well, it starts tomorrow, you’re going to be with mama for awhile, and then you’ll come back with mommy for a little.”

“And I will have two homes and two moms that love me,” Sofia repeats.

Arizona nods.

She knows that this will take Sofia on a highway to growing up, but she can’t blame anyone but themselves. Sofia is still so happy now; she can’t bare to think of seeing all the days where her little girl finally realises having two homes isn’t as fun as she thought.

The days where she waves one of her moms away outside an airport and wonder when she’ll get to see her again, and wait until they’re on the road home to cry. Because she can’t let her mom leave, remembering her crying.

A damn fast highway to growing up alone.

Sofia will learn to envy her friends that can go to the park every weekend with their parents. She will learn to be quiet when the teacher asks them what they did with their family for the holidays. She will learn the tricks of dealing with jet lag in class and learn to take a nap behind the tall boy that sits in front of her in science without the teacher noticing.

But right now, Sofia is still Arizona and Callie’s precious little girl who hasn’t been tainted with any great sadness yet.

“Come on, Sofia, bed time. You have a long day tomorrow.”

Sofia nods and doesn’t put up a fuss for going to bed for the first time Arizona remembers. “Okay.”

Arizona watches Sofia change into pyjamas and slide under the covers, she watches her close the bedside lamp by herself and burrow her face into the pillows.

“Goodnight Sof.”

“Goodnight mommy. Tell mama goodnight too.”

“I will.”

Arizona walks back into the kitchen after losing her way twice and sees Callie fumbling through the fridge. And Sofia is just down the hall, sleeping, and Callie’s in the kitchen, and Arizona is watching her, and if Callie wasn’t supposed to leave with Sofia to New York tomorrow, and if Arizona didn’t just let Callie go be happy with someone else, this could just be a few years ago all over again.

“Hey.”

Callie whips around and smiles tentatively. “Hey.”

Arizona approaches the kitchen island and sits on the outside. Callie fills two cups with water and hands on to Arizona, plopping down across from her. Arizona is happy she did, because any closer, and she’ll combust.

“I’ll sit for a cup of water and I’ll get going. I have an early surgery tomorrow morning.”

“Okay.”

They sit in silence for a bit. They always coexisted well in silence.

After a while, Arizona opens her mouth to say something, but Callie’s name dies on her tongue when she remembers the way Penny said ‘Calliope’ at that dinner months ago.

Arizona wasn’t the only one that Callie gave the intimacy of her full name, and that was like forcing Arizona to give away an exclusive memory with her own hands. It made this thing that was special for so long not special anymore. She doesn’t like it.

She still remembers the first time she said Callie’s full name and the look on her face when she heard it.

In the end, Callie is the one the talk first.

“Do you regret it?”

Arizona puts down her cup. “Regret what?”

“Everything.”

“No.” That was an easy question.

“You remember how we started?”

Arizona hates this polite conversation that might as well be their last conversation. She already knows that she’ll be mad at herself in the morning, for using this conversation as small talk. Of course they will choose the moment of no return for finally being civil.

“How can I ever forget you going ‘say it all’ in front of my date? It was hilarious. And then almost ditching me in that elevator…”

Callie rolls her eyes and chuckles. “You were the one that kissed a practical stranger in a bar bathroom.”

Arizona smiles too, and lifts her cup to hide behind. She can never forget all their little moments.

She remembers the old inside jokes that haven’t been told in so long, the old pictures, the old songs they used to sing along to…they all died alongside their old life.

‘Callie’ is on Arizona’s tongue now, but ‘Calliope’ died with the old them too.

Arizona remembers everything about them. She’s studied every moment she remembers over and over again in the past months. She’s trying the hardest to not let anything go from her head.

The beginning of ‘them’ was a big flash of white light in her life. It was awesome. It was the beginning of an era. A good era. An era with happily ever afters and dysfunctional, loving, families. And they both once very sure that this love was it. That after this love, they wouldn’t ever love.

See how well that worked out.

Arizona wishes Callie wouldn’t say goodbye when the time comes. It’s too little of a word to carry all their years away. They can go separate ways, but Arizona doesn’t want a goodbye. A goodbye would make their history feel shallow.

She only wants their history to remain intact, is it too much to ask?

And there are so many love songs wailing about heartbreaking pasts and unfortunate lovers, and they should’ve listened. They should’ve listened to all those stories that ended without any happy, because they aren’t anything special. They were crazy to think that they might be an exception to all those tragic love stories.

She can see Callie chewing her cheek. Callie always does that when there’s something bothering her. “So you really don’t regret anything? At all?”

Arizona shakes her head. “Nothing from you and me. Other things, all the time, but never you and me.”

Callie graces Arizona with a small smile. The first real smile Arizona’s seen from her since so long. “Okay.”

“Do you?”

“I don’t either.”

They don’t know if that’s too stupid or too sentimental.

But if Arizona had to choose between a universe where she never met Callie where they didn’t have any of this hurt and this universe, she wouldn’t hesitate.

She would choose this one.

If she didn’t have Callie, she wouldn’t be in this whole hurricane of supressing her tears and seeing her off with another woman. If she didn’t have Callie, god knows where she would be now. If she didn’t have Callie, god knows where Callie would be, where Sofia would be.

But if there ever was an ‘if’, she would come back to this universe right away. If only for a few years with Callie.

“Well, this is it,” Arizona says as she drains the last of her water and stands up. She isn’t sure if she wants to stay more or if she wants to run away as fast as possible. “I should get going.”

“Yeah. You’ll come to New York for the weekend and pick Sofia up, right?”

“Right.”

“Okay.”

They both get up and places their cups on the counter with a soft clank. Guess some of their understanding is still there.

Callie walks Arizona to the door and leans over to unlock it. It swings open and Arizona steps through. That was her first step out of Callie’s life.

If other lives and alternate universes exist, and Arizona is holding on to the belief that they just might, then there would be billions and trillions of them existing all at once, orbiting this one. But in them all, Arizona and Callie and Sofia and Mark are still one happy family.

And Arizona and Callie are more than history. 

Callie smiles sadly again, and kicks her feet on the cold tiles of the threshold. Arizona sees her trying to say something, and then the words dying and her mouth. She doesn’t know what to say either. There’s no handbook for these kinds of goodbyes.

Callie clears her throat and finally says, “Thank you.” That seems to be all she can carefully muster.

To Arizona, all the alternate universe versions of themselves are screaming their heads off right about now. Even she doubted if this was the right choice; to let Callie go.

This was the stuff they used to talk about with the lights off, in the dark, on Callie’s bed, with their hands folded under their head and staring at the nothingness above them. This was the dorky stuff they laughed at together and said was too much of classic pre-surgeon-high-school versions of themselves to think of.

It’s stupid how it chooses now to be remembered again.

To Arizona, all she can do is lift her head up and try to catch a glimpse of those versions of themselves. In her mind, in her hopes, she never let go of Callie’s hand.

Arizona is on this side of the door, Callie is on that side of the door, and she an almost say that she thinks Callie is thinking about alternate versions of themselves too. How can she not? This was the person she once saw forever with.

Another Arizona is holding Callie’s hand, and another Callie is singing along to a bad tune while dancing in the kitchen. Another Arizona would be more selfless, and another Callie would be more understanding. Or whatever qualities it is that they are both missing to make this work. Another Arizona would’ve never let Callie go, and another Callie would’ve never stopped loving Arizona.

But they’re too late. Too late for not letting go, too late for not moving on, too late for not giving up. Too late. _So late_.

Arizona nods and whispers, “Anytime.”

And she means it. Anytime, she would help Callie out if she asks. Anytime, she would take back all the things she did wrong on her knees. Anytime, she can still be crazy for her Calliope.

She should be turning around and leaving now. But that feels so final. So final.

She has already started counting down their moments since she knocked on the door. The last time someone will open the door and Callie will be there. The last time she’s spending time alone with Callie. The last time she’s drinking something with Callie. The last time she smells Callie. The last time she sees Callie smile only for her.

For a sheer moment, she wants to crash forward for a last kiss. Because she didn’t know their last was going to be their last. She didn’t take the time to memorise everything about Callie’s lips that she loved, because she told herself that they’d always have the next time.

But she doesn’t go in for that last kiss. She can’t do that to Callie. She can’t do that to Penny. She can’t do that to Callie’s potential happiness that she tried so hard to give.

So instead she goes in for a last hug.

Callie gives her last hug too.

This Arizona that’s hugging Callie and this Callie that’s hugging Arizona are two people hugging everything they’ve lost. The past they’ve lost, the present they’re losing, and the future that they will lose.

They’re losing, when this hand they had was supposed to win. 

And then they pull back. They reel the emotions back in. They go back to being strangely civil. They go back to goodbye.

So it’s now or never.

Arizona smiles one last time, just for Callie. She wants Callie to remember her smiling.

Callie smiles too, so gently.

Their last smile just for each other.

Arizona holds her breath and spins around and starts walking. She doesn’t hear the door click shut behind her and she thinks Callie is shaking. She keeps walking.

At the end of the street, she tells herself that it’s okay to cry now. But the crying doesn’t come, even wen it was threatening to bust her skull open just a few moments ago. Fucking timing. She turns around for a last glimpse of Callie, but Callie isn’t there anymore, and there’s only a row of identically closed doors.

They’d just lost.

_JULY 12, 2018_

Arizona sees Callie reliving that evening too, by the way her eyes glaze over and the way she grips her keychain tighter. Callie’s going to have such a killer cramp in that hand.

After that night, and so many of their lasts, a train of firsts followed, and Arizona counted every one of them.

The first Monday without Callie in Seattle, the first Tuesday without Callie in Seattle, the first Wednesday, the first surgery, the first month, the first birthday, the first day off… Arizona had counted every one she could think of.

Callie blows a puff of air and lowers her eyes again. “No regrets still?”

Arizona frowns. Callie shouldn’t _ever_ doubt the sureness of them. “No regrets for you and me, Calliope, never.” She pauses for a moment, then adds, “I regret a lot of the things I did and didn’t do. But never you and me, never the choice of having an ‘us’ at some point in time.”

“Okay.”

Arizona knows that Callie needed that reassurance, and she’ll give it as much as she needs.

//

Callie runs her tongue over the raw flesh inside her mouth where she chewed too hard.

She has a temper, everyone knows that, but she never did violence. Even when Izzie Stevens made her life a living hell for no good reason, she only wanted to talk when Izzie raised her fists and prepared to fight her. Callie was never a person that did physical anger or knew how to do it. She only learned how to form a proper fist when she started finding an interest in orthopedics, but _man_ , did she want to punch that scumbag of a woman.

She hates having the image of Arizona and that fried fuck burning into her eyelids every time she closes her eyes. And to know that Arizona was the one that made the first move?

She wants to bang her head on a wall until she forgets that ever happened. But no, she tells herself, they are trying to make this work. Taking a breath, Callie slowly says, “So…you really made the first move?”

She watches Arizona wince a little while searching for the right way to answer her.

“I…did.” As Callie’s face falls Arizona winces again. “And I’m so, so sorry. I know that sorry doesn’t do anything, but I want you to know that I mean it. So much. I…I was living outside my body. And you really deserve that.”

“No one does, Arizona.”

“I know.”

This isn’t even anger anymore, Callie is just plain disappointed. And she knows she doesn’t hide it well at all, considering the pained expression that seeped onto Arizona’s face.

But they’re moving forward. Onward. Callie has to keep telling herself that.

This is only the start of their second time, moving _onward_.

Callie refrains herself from chewing on her cheek again, and says, “I won’t hold it against you, Arizona. I…I’m just disappointed. I know, uh, that nothing was okay, and…and that you were in a bad place for a long time. But it still affects _me_ , you know? Because _I_ was still myself, and _I_ was still aware that my wife cheated on me while I was trying to save kids from a burning bus…” Callie shakes her head before she can go any further and say something out of anger, “Sorry. Just…give me some time. I really have forgiven you, but it’s still…not very okay.”

Arizona purses her lips and nods stiffly. “Are we…?”

“We’re still moving onwards, Arizona, of course we are. The cheating and the whole affair…I still need time, but I won’t hold the past against you.”

//

Arizona regards Callie with a dreadful twist in the bottom of her stomach. She was expecting Callie to start yelling or ranting in Spanish. She was prepared to wait for Callie to let go of her rage, and then talk her down and apologise again and again.

But somehow, this quiet disappointment is so much worse. It makes the guilt feel so much stickier.

Arizona listens to Callie being all understanding and communicating and mature, and she’s feeling like shit. She nods along to Callie, and silently makes herself promise that she’ll never do anything to hurt Callie again, as long as she can help it.

“So, that’s it?”

Callie shrugs, “I guess. I’m not going to go all cage fighter on anyone.”

“You don’t even know _how_ to go all cage fighter, Calliope,” Arizona says with a small smile. Callie smiles back, knowing how Arizona knows her. She’s glad the air suddenly became a little lighter.

“I know, I know, but I can try if I really wanted to, I bet.”

“Yeah right.”

They sit in silence again, for a while, until Callie tears the wrapper of her lollipop and sticks it in her mouth. Arizona smiles to herself again, because that’s the lollipop she gave Callie, and knowing that makes her all warm. Somehow, she doesn’t really know why, but she’s feeling a little closer to being happy. 

Arizona lets the silence sit for a little while again, then breaks it with a question that stewed.

“You _are_ going to…become better with the bad side of our history one day though, right?” Arizona kicks herself, “No, no, sorry, that was horribly worded. I don’t want to sound like I’m pressuring you to become okay with anything, but I do…er, want you to be closer and closer to being happier. With me. Eventually.” She grimaces at her way of putting it. “Or something like that.”

Callie sighs and pulls the lollipop out, twirling the stick lightly between her fingers. “I don’t think it’ll ever be okay, or that I’ll ever be okay with it, honestly. But I think I’ll manage to…find peace with it one day.”

“Hm?” Callie really stole her wording and speech-ing powers right from under her, huh? Even if she doesn’t pray, Arizona silently sends up a prayer that Callie will still wield that power tomorrow at the official speech.

“Find peace…yeah. Really. I can feel it, I can tell that it’ll bother me less one day, eventually, and we’ll happy together. And we can still be good together despite who you were for a little while back there.”

“You have faith.”

Callie nods, “I have faith in us. Just give me time.”

“Thank you.”

“Anytime.”

If Callie needs time, then Arizona will give her time. Because later is okay, as long as it’s with Callie, and she’s holding onto that, and she will keep telling herself that. Because what she did, even if she had reasons, even if those reasons don’t justify anything, was _wrong_.

She’d promised Callie’s father that she is a good man in a storm, that she’ll protect Callie no matter what. But that’s not what she did at all in their past years, when Callie was the one that stood up to the psycho shooter running rampage, when Callie was the one that took responsibility for taking care of their whole family after the plane crash. When the storms came, Callie stood up.

Arizona fucking _cheated_ on her wife in a _storm_.

So much for being a _good man_ in a storm.

She could’ve at least chosen a sunny day to screw that immoral goddamn elbow of a woman.

All the reasons more for why Arizona will stand up for Callie now. Learn from your mistakes, own up to them and all that.

At least they’re going forward. At least they’re not giving up because of their past.

Arizona sighs again, “I’ll take better care of you this time, Calliope. I know I’m not all that you’ve got, but I really, really am trying to become someone you’ll have.”

Callie smiles sadly and says, “I can take care of myself.” She pauses, then adds, “but letting you take care of me sounds so much better.”

“Because it’s me. Because I’m awesome.”

“ _We’re_ awesome.”

Arizona lifts an eyebrow at Callie’s confidence in them, but can’t help all the fluttery-flutters that flutters in her stomach. “We so are.”

“Mhm.”

“And we’ll work on us. We’ll make this work.”

Callie bobs her head along, looking already in a better mood, “We’ll start over fresh. I believe you when you said you weren’t yourself and that you’ve moved on. We’re still Callie and Arizona, but we’re different now, and we’ll learn how to be together again.”

“Well said.”

“I just hope I can do that well tomorrow.”

“You will, you will. I’m sure.” Callie rolls her eyes and bites off the last piece of her lollipop forcefully and Arizona laughs. “Have faith, Calliope. Faith in being closer to okay and faith in your terrible public speaking.”

Callie scowls, “Oh great, so calling me terrible is supposed to encourage me, right?”

//

Arizona shrugs and leans back against the railing, finally relaxing a little. “It did get you all energetic and less chicken.”

“Urgh.” Callie scrunches her face and sticks her legs out straight. “One day you’ll on stage and rue this moment where you insulted my very _decent_ public speaking.”

“Pretty sure that’s supposed to happen tomorrow, but one day, huh?”

Callie nods, feeling lighter after Arizona and her fell into their banter again. One day she’ll be able to forgive not only Arizona (because forgiving Arizona wasn’t all that hard), but forgive also the plane crash, forgive the months of being a punching bag, forgive their own stubbornness, and god forbid, maybe even find the strength and maturity in her to forgive Lauren Boswell and Leah Murphy. Not today, not too soon, but eventually.

She locks eyes with Arizona and repeats, “One day.”

A shuffling of feet and a string of choice curses comes out from behind them. When they turn around, they see a slightly frazzled Cristina walking closer. “These damn rocks everywhere…” When she lifts her head and catches sigh of Arizona and Callie trying their hardest not to laugh, she scowls and aims to kick a pebble on the dirt path towards Callie, which bounces off the bottom stair and ricochets into the grass. She lets her arms and legs hang loose and walks like one of those stickmen they draw when playing hangman came alive. “I take it that everything’s a little closer to okay now?”

“Yeah.”

“Good.”

Callie scoots back a little and pats the space she left for Cristina to sit down. “How did you deal with her after we left?”

Cristina plops down and squints at Arizona for a good ten seconds before saying, “I politely and very creatively cursed her a little and told her to scram as far as she can before I really get on my motorcycle and run her over.”

“A little too violent, but okay.”

“Hey, it was that or start scalping her with my scalpel.”

Arizona still hasn’t said anything, and Callie’s eyes widen at the back of Cristina’s head. “Do you really keep a scalpel in your freaking shoe?”

Cristina twists to give Callie a smug smirk, and proceeds to pull an honest-to-god scalpel out of the bottom of her goddamn shoe and twirl it artistically between her fingers.

“ _Oh my_ —How long has that been in there?!”

Cristina cocks her head, “Er…a long time? I always stuff one under the insole. You never know when someone will fall out their chair from a pulmonary embolism in a restaurant. Or if you need to stab a bitch that hurt your friend.”

Despite Cristina’s slightly disturbing solidarity, Callie can’t help but smile. Cristina will never forgive her if she voiced it, but the cardio surgeon is one of the greatest friends anyone can ask for. “So all your cardio god years haven’t taught you that a scalpel kept in the sole of your shoe isn’t the cleanest thing to cut someone open with, huh? You’d have to at least disinfect it, you know.”

“Of course I have spare blades for the scalpel at all times Torres. What self-respecting surgeon doesn’t?”

Callie exchanged an amused glance with Arizona, and then turns back to Cristina. “You’re right. I keep a scalpel and a surgical gown and an anesthesiologist in my sock at all times.”

Cristina rolls her eyes and stands up. “Come on, you two, we’re playing hooky tonight and we’re ordering takeout to Callie’s fancy hotel room.”

“Uh—”

“No uh’s, Robbins, we’re playing hooky from real life and helping Callie not puke before her big speech tomorrow.”

Arizona grins and looks at Callie, raising an eyebrow. Cristina doesn’t miss the silent telepathic-like gaze-exchange between the two before they both stand up to lead Cristina to the hotel room, but settles on just smirking to herself and sneakily sending a message to Meredith while she walked behind them.

Cristina Yang doesn’t lose, especially if it’s a bet on two people she very much roots for.

//

To both Callie and Arizona’s absolute bewilderment, Cristina only brought along a large backpack with wheels on the bottom (to Arizona’s great pleasure) with her, which is half-filled with completely unnecessary medical equipment to bring to a hotel, including another two scalpels, surgical masks, a small sphygmomanometer that she found god-knows-where, two forceps, and retractors. The rest were only a change of clothes, a speaker that no one had any idea what for, basic documents, and snacks. And a bottle of tequila.

After a fuss of ordering Chinese or pizza, Arizona volunteers to go down to the lobby to wait the few minutes left for the delivery guy to arrive. As soon the door closes and Arizona’s footsteps disappear, Cristina bounces up and snatches Callie’s phone.

“Hey!”

Cristina jumps away from Callie’s reach and somehow unlocks her phone. “Let’s see…” Cristina swipes and mumbles to herself, “We’re going to need some annoyingly happy songs right now.”

“But—”

“Oh Callie, chill out, I’m not peeping in any of your sexts with anyone.”

“I-I,” Callie splutters, “I don’t do sexting!”

“Whatever, you should try it then. I did it with Owen all the time and it made the sex so much hotter.”

“Oh, so now you’re back and doing it again with Owen all over again, huh?”

“No judging or mentioning it if you don’t want me to bug you with Robbins.”

Callie’s eyes widen, “Arizona are just on…uh, better terms now.”

Cristina scoffs and gives Callie a grimace.

“Come on, we’re dancing the shitty day out.”

Still trying to look annoyed with Cristina but failing horribly, Callie stands up and tries to snatch her phone back, only to have Cristina jump onto the bed and further out of her reach. She groans, “You’re annoying.”

“I know. You love it.”

“You’re still annoying.”

Cristina rolls her eyes and pulls Callie to the middle of the floor and continues to fiddle with her phone.

“Why did you wait until Arizona left to dance it out anyway?”

Cristina looks up, and Callie can’t remember the last time she saw the girl looking embarrassed, even if embarrassed for Cristina is only a poker face with the faintest tinge of pink on her ears. “I didn’t want her to feel…” She waves a hand at her leg, “Uncomfortable or something. I don’t know if she can dance in those. It’s you carpenters that take care of that.”

“Aww,” Callie sidles up closer to Cristina and bounces on the balls of her feet, “Yang is getting all sensitive!”

“Shut up. It’s also because you and I and Mer, we are the ones that dance it out. No one else gets it.”

Callie laughs, “True, but you were still sweet.”

“Whatever.” Cristina scowls at Callie and starts a song.

Callie laughs again and bounces to the beat of the intro of the pretty wild sounding song that Cristina is blasting way too loud. She gets why Cristina had that speaker in her bag now. That girl is prepared for a dance party _wherever_ she goes.

_Check yes Juliet, are you with me? Rain is falling down on the sidewalk…_

Cristina grimaces and attempts a spinning sort of move with her arms flailing out like the wings of a strangled pterodactyl. Callie giggles and sways her hips to the beat, hopping around Cristina and getting hit not just a few times. Their hair is flying all around, and Callie is certain that she can’t tell the front of Cristina’s face from the back of her head anytime soon.

_Don’t sell your heart, don’t say we’re not meant to be. Run, baby, run, don’t ever look back, forever we’ll be…you and me—_

Callie laughs heartily when Cristina bends over backwards holding an imaginary mic and mouthing the last words overdramatically and proceeding to smack her head on the corner of the dresser. Cristina gives her a mock glare while starting to jump again, reaching her arms over her head and still mouthing the words with an almost violent happiness.

When the song fades into faint guitar and drums, both of them flop down at the foot of the bed.

“I see you’ve learned no new moves yet, Yang.”

“I see that you’re still going after the ‘sex on a stick’ look while you dance, Torres.”

Callie scoffs, “I am simply naturally hot.”

“True. I’d totally smash if I weren’t straight.”

“Cristina!”

She snickers, and then straightens her face. “Really, Callie, anyone would have luck coming out of their asses to be able to have you. Don’t listen to that crummy truck run her mouth. If she does that again, I’ll call Mer up here and beat her with both our Harper Averies to show her who’s boss.”

Callie turns to Cristina. Cristina is such an insanely good friend when it comes down to it, and she always seems to grasp the perfect moment to go from sarcastically insulting to touchingly loyal. Callie gives her a small smile, “Thank you.”

“I’m your friend. It’s what I should do.”

“Really. Thank you.” Callie sighs, “Since Mark died, you and Mer have really been having my back. Even during the custody battle, Mer was there even if it was partly because of Penny.”

“Mark was your person. We get that.”

“Yeah. Did Mer ever tell you that I stayed in the dream house for a long time after everything and basically sort of stole your bedroom?”

Cristina laughs, “Oh yeah, I do have a bedroom there. God, when Mer told me that they included an extra bedroom for me because I couldn’t move in with Owen at the time, I was so happy.”

“Mhm, well, I took up that place while I was falling apart, so that’s that.”

“Speaking of our crappy past, do I need to continue glaring at Robbins or just watch from afar?”

“Oh yeah, you weren’t exactly giving Arizona a mother Theresa look back on the stairs, huh?”

“Meh,” Cristina shrugs, “Mer and I told you, we can’t judge her for cheating because we know firsthand how that plane crash messes you up, but we can go up to the next person that hurts you with bats and smash their skull in.”

“Whoa.” Callie’s eyes widen and she holds up a hand. She’s confident that there will be tough parts for her and Arizona, but she also doesn’t want Meredith and Cristina to get boxing gloves out every time they have a disagreement.

“Chill out, we won’t go all cage fighter on Robbins, she’s our friend. We’ll just maybe…scalp Boswell?”

“Uh, maybe not that either. Being the bigger person and all that,” Callie says, chuckling. Cristina and Meredith have become strangely protective of her, and she appreciates the hell out of that. She never would’ve imagined they could’ve become this tight when she just met them. They were just two arrogant interns. “Be nicer, Arizona and I are…getting on better terms.”

“Okay.” Cristina jumps up again, pulling Callie with her. “And we need one more song!”

“Yeah? You’re _on_.”

Cristina shimmies to the middle of the carpet as the cheers at the start of the song start up, wiggling a finger tauntingly at Callie. Callie laughs loudly when she recognizes the song.

Cristina doesn’t know it, but this ‘Somebody to You’ brings Callie right back to years ago. It was playing on the radio when Arizona and her bought their new house in the hopes of having a new start and had just finished unpacking all the boxes. That song passed by on the radio so much it pissed the hell out of Callie because all its words are the same and is basically one of those ‘mall’ songs. It was stuck in her head for weeks on end and almost drove her right down into madness, but she hasn’t heard it in so long that it was fresh nostalgia attached to it.

She can’t really believe that was already so long ago. 

Still, Callie smirks and hops towards Cristina, completely owning her ‘sex on a stick’ look and shaking her head. Cristina sidles closer to Callie until they’re face to face and jumping around each other with giggles escaping here and there when Callie realizes the ridiculousness of their positions. Cristina doesn’t giggle, but she cranks the music up even louder and flails her arms even more, teasing Callie to step up her game.

//

Arizona whistles a tune under her breath, balancing the boxes of Chinese quite expertly in her arms. She’s been waiting for a few seconds already, knocking on the door of their room, but no one’s answering. Stopping the whistling for a moment, she leans back to check the number of the room.

  1. This is their room alright.



A sudden blast of noise from inside the room makes her jump back a little. Frowning, Arizona presses her ear to the door just to be assaulted by a song being blasted impossibly loud.

Chuckling to herself, having a slight idea on why the girls were so busy in the room, she puts a box on the floor to pull her own key card out of her pocket. The door swings open, and she can’t hold in the stupid grin that spreads over her face as soon she sees Callie and Cristina.

The two are bobbing their head up and down, half crouched, half twisted, holding up their hands and waiting for the beat drop while swaying slightly to the quiet music that comes right before.

And… _the beat drops_.

Arizona laughs out loud as Callie and Cristina leap up at once and start jumping with reckless abandon in their crazy swinging dance. As the song nears its last verses, the two stop and turn to each other, as if practised before hand.

Arizona is sure as hell not disturbing this dance party, even if they’ll probably get a noise complaint from the room underneath sometime tomorrow. She’s holding out on disturbing the happiness in this room, of the dancing that’s all history and arms and carelessness. Of the happiness that they all desperately need, and finally are coming close to touching.

They some how got two cans of beer during their dance, and they hold them up to their faces, singing the lyrics to each other like the words of some Victorian love letter. But in a really theatrically overdone way.

Arizona shakes her head, still grinning widely and walks into the room. She places the boxes down without either of the two noticing, and starts belting out the words along with them. “All I want to be, all I want to be yeah, is somebody to you-u-u,” Callie and Cristina whip around and Arizona laughs at the surprised looks on their faces. “All I want to be yeah, all I ever want to be yeah, is somebody to you!”

Callie giggles and points her can of beer to Arizona, inviting her to continue singing. Cristina hops over and swings around them, still screaming the lyrics with her enthusiastic off-key singing. “CAUSE ALL I WANNA BE YEAH, ALL I EVER WANNA BE OH, IS SOMEBODY TO YOU-U-U…”

“ _Yeah_ …” They cheer the last word together, pointing at each other, “YOU!”

Cristina immediately rushes to the dresser where Arizona had dumped the boxes and mumbles, “Thank god, I’m starving.”

Arizona chuckles and sidles up to Callie who flopped onto the bed right after the last song ended. “Hey.”

Callie raises her head up from the covers and grins, “Hey.”

“So do you think Cristina still wants to scalp me?”

Callie’s mouth falls open and she stutters, “W-What? Cristina doesn’t want to scalp you—”

“Oh please, I saw all the glares she was sending me,” Arizona says, rolling her eyes, “and I don’t really blame her.”

“That’s just how Cristina looks at people in general.”

“Oh really?”

“Okay fine, she may have been a little wary, but it’s nothing against you. I asked her.” Callie sits up and scoots closer to the side of the bed to sit beside Arizona. “Mer and her just think I need…protecting? I don’t. And she doesn’t want to scalp you, she told me how you two, uh, bonded with your nightmares of the plane crash…” Callie clears her throat, feeling like she intruded on something private belonging to people that she doesn’t get. “It’s all good, she just doesn’t want relationship crap happening to us again, I guess.”

Arizona smiles. She kind of likes the idea that there are people being so protective of Callie. “Okay, I get it.”

"Yeah. Apparently, her and Mer have some sort of addiction on betting on me, so its a weird kind of protecting."

"Oh really?"

Callie snickers, "Really. They had a bet on when I was going to finally give in and re-conciliate with you after you came back from Africa, on when I was going to go nuts on the physical therapy after the car crash, and most recently, on when I was finally going to go all chummy with Wilson."

Arizona frowns, "As in... Jo Wilson?"

"OH," Callie giggles awkwardly, "That came out wrong. I meant like, when Wilson was going to finally come and grovel for ortho."

Arizona smiles and remembers something. "Hey," she nudges Callie with her elbow and mumbles in a quiet voice, "Also, you looked so happy dancing with Cristina. I…I hope that one day we can dance in our underwears. Together. I want you to be happy, and to be still happy with me."

Callie grins even wider. "I really hope we'll get to do that."

"Me too."

It would be such an honour to share someone’s happiness, even more when it’s Callie. The honour to experience something that makes Callie so genuinely happy is beyond what Arizona expects, but she really, really hopes that she can get to live it with Callie, and live through Callie sharing this with her.

Arizona’s little fuse of daydreaming about their future is unfortunately pierced with a shout. “Hey, you ladies gotta move your butts and get some food in before I eat it all!”

Callie grimaces at her and shouts back, “Yeah, yeah, we’re coming!”

Arizona stands and pulls Callie to her feet. Both of them make a run for the takeout to get one of the good boxes, with Cristina rolling her eyes and dodging a hurtling Arizona.

//

Callie bounces up and down on her toes and silently accepts the chilly air whipping at her face. It’s six thirty in the morning and she’s standing on the balcony of her ridiculously nice hotel room and staring down at a groggy Seattle. There are three cars waiting for a red light down the road and one old lady walking her furry white dog and trots along to a settling pace. The sun hasn’t quite risen yet, but the peak of the light will still half-blind Callie if she stares straight at it pushing its way out behind the rooftops.

The world is waking up and Callie has been standing here for the last twenty minutes. The peacefulness of where the streets haven’t been disturbed by the loud and stirring life of the people is grounding her here, grounding her from flying off into panic.

Nearly three hours until her ted talk.

There have been so many times that her line of work has brought her down to this spiral of frustration and nervousness, and somehow, she’s still here, still working, still preparing speeches (to her great horror). Somehow, she still relishes this tiredness.

And now she’s chewing two pieces of gum that she’s stuffed into her mouth because she thinks she once read somewhere that it helps with nerves. Doesn’t seem to be helping much right now, to be honest. She retreats her hands into the long sleeves of the grey sweater she’s wearing and crosses her arms in front of her chest. The sweater smells good. It smells like Arizona. She found it in Arizona’s suitcase and recognized it as the sweater she lost years ago and they got a good laugh out of it when they realized Callie couldn’t find it because Arizona was wearing it the whole time. Even when Callie was in New York.

Callie lowers her head and sniffs the sweater again. Screw creepiness, it comforts her and that’s all that should matter.

“Can’t sleep so you’re stealing my sweater?”

Callie jumps and spins around when she hears the voice behind her. “Jesus, Arizona.”

Arizona chuckles and passes a hand through her hair that’s sticking out in random directions. “You’re too easy to scare, it’s hilarious.”

“Not nice.”

“Oh, but it’s funny.”

Callie huffs and turns back toward the edge of the balcony. She hears Arizona’s slipper clad feet stepping closer to her, and sighs. In a much softer voice, Arizona asks, “Do you feel okay enough?”

“I feel…okay. I don’t think it’ll feel real until I’m on the stage and that’s probably a good thing, I think. Also, this is technically my sweater.”

Arizona places a tentative hand on the small of Callie’s back. Callie can tell Arizona is still holding back a bit of her guilt and keeping a bit of a distance to not seem pushy. And in a way, it’s good. They’re supposed to start over, they should find humility in their past mistakes.

“Do you want to change and head down to see if there’s a buffet we can raid?”

Callie chuckles, “Five more minutes. It’s so peaceful here.”

“Okay.” Arizona passes the hand on Callie back around her waist and pauses, seeing if Callie protests. Callie was jumpy with touching for a long time even after she had invited Arizona to moved back in, even after they had bought the old new house, no matter how hard they both tried. She’s grateful Arizona still respects that she might be hesitant after yesterday.

But Callie doesn’t pull away. She isn’t sure why, but instead, her tenseness slackers a little and she sighs. When Arizona slowly passes her arms around her waist and pressed into her back, she can’t help but lean back into Arizona’s chin resting on her shoulder and close her eyes for a moment. She hasn’t been in this place for so long.

The morning passes in that unique blur of the early mornings of only fueled by anticipation of an important event. Callie doesn’t even know how she arrived in the lobby of the crowds of people attending this thing, but she’s giddy and jumpy and not even sure if she’s really very well alive or have been whipped off to a very real dream.

“You’re going to be great, Torres.”

Callie glances at Cristina, and laughs nervously. “Mhm.” Easy for her to say, there had been just a small wave of doctors that recognized Cristina this morning in the buffet and cornered her for a good half hour, talking about the latest cool heart thing she’s done.

“You really will.” Cristina nudges Arizona, “Right, Robbins?”

“Oh yeah, yeah, Calliope. You’re going to be the greatest speech today, I can just feel it,” Arizona says with a big smile at Callie before diverting her attention to the crowds of people again.

“What’s she looking at?”

Arizona whips around and smiles at Callie again, “Nothing.”

“I think she’s trying to spot if Boswell’s here and steering us clear of her if she comes.”

Arizona glares at Cristina before smiling sheepishly at Callie, “I just didn’t want to her to bother you anymore than she has, especially before your big talk. I want today to be great for you, and you’re going to remember it as the day you totally rocked a public speaking thing and not a day where the fuckwaffle your ex-wife so stupidly screwed popped up again.”

Callie opens her mouth to say something, but before she can get a word out, Arizona grabs her hand and whisks her to the right. “Wha…”

Cristina shuffles in front of Callie and Arizona who are behind a large sir with a very sophisticated handlebar moustache. Callie frowns, and Arizona grimaces apologetically and nods her head to their left. Callie turns her head, and immediately sees that very blonde, very serpent-like, and very menacing head bobbing in laughter to a crummy looking man. God, even that laugh sounds phony.

Arizona steps protectively in front of Callie, and puts her arms around her waist, trying to steer her the other way. Callie grits her teeth and tries not to think about these arms around the other person on the other side, in an other time.

“Wait.” Callie resists Arizona’s surprisingly strong hold and turns back towards Lauren. She takes a deep breath and reminds herself that promises don’t work and that she has to rely on herself to become closer to okay. “Going forward and all that, right? I need to make an effort too.”

“What?”

But before Arizona could stop her, Callie’s already walking quickly towards the woman, before she can let herself change her mind. Arizona and Cristina exchange a worried look, and hurry along a few steps behind Callie.

“Lauren.”

The woman turns around and blinks at Callie. She turns back to the man she was talking to and excuses them. “Doctor Torres,” she chirps, “I suppose you are going to go upstage any second now?”

“I am.”

“Well, I hope you don’t disappoint those _hundreds_ of people just looking at you from the audience,” Lauren says with a smirk, “And the cameras pointed you streaming live too.”

Callie swallows, but holds her ground and composure. Arizona, on the other hand, is already starting to fume, with only Cristina holding her back. “But she’s trying to ruin this for Callie on purpose, for Christs’ sake,” she hisses.

“Callie’s got this,” Cristina mumbles, gripping Arizona’s shoulder, “she’s got this, Robbins.”

Callie smiles politely, and stays silent and runs eyes her over Lauren’s face enough so that the smirking woman falters a little uncomfortably. “Thank you for your concern, Doctor Boswell, it’s noted. But I’m sure that you’ll enjoy the show. From the audience.”

“If its possible to enjoy, I will.”

“Oh, I’m sure it will be enjoyable, it’s something I’m very proud of. I’m not sure you can relate,” Callie answers smoothly, “to having things to be proud of, I mean. In case you didn’t understand. Or couldn’t understand.”

“I understood just fine.”

“And I am so incredibly happy you have.” Cristina snickers a few feet behind them and Callie steels herself, feeling more confident in the face of this poisonous woman.

“Peachy.”

“Absolutely. I do hope you achieve something you can be proud of one day, Lauren, it’s a nice enough feeling.”

“I have done things I’m proud of,” Lauren snarls. She repairs her uncaring mask right away, reeling back the obvious annoyance.

“Huh. I didn’t know, but congratulations, I guess, didn’t know you were able to.” Callie dusts off a sleeve of her blazer and looks back up towards Lauren. “Anyways, I came up here to say my part because of a, er, personal inconvenience, I wasn’t able to yesterday.”

Lauren smiles foully and says, “Was that personal inconvenience being too much of a pussy to say anything and running off with your tail in between your legs and abandoning your two girls there?”

Arizona almost growls in anger, and Cristina pinches her hard on the arm to keep Arizona from exploding and go slapping Lauren straight into next week. Not that Cristina is at all opposed to that idea, but she knows Callie would need a chance to face this to really have something closer to peace.

Callie smiles too, despite her internal wince, taking a strange strength from when she hears Arizona muttering a string of obscene and very graphic curses under her breath. “No, the personal inconvenience being I had to get some fresh air. Probably due to the ass loads of methane in the air surrounding you.”

“Are you…?”

“Contributing just slightly to environmental and noise pollution, it’s not very nice. You know, save the planet for the future generations and whatnot.”

This time, Cristina laughs out loud behind Callie and even Arizona snorts. “Callie just called you a goddamn cow, Boswell!”

“Now, now, Cristina, I did not say that at all,” Callie drawls, “Didn’t imply anything. The releasing methane is properly just a coincidence.”

But Cristina still snickers and mutters under her breath, “Nice one, Torres.”

“Get to the point, Doctor Torres.” Lauren glowers at Callie with no more of the malice she had when she’d talked to Arizona the day before.

“Geez, patience. Anyway, I was saying…”

“Hurry up, I don’t have all day.”

“So I think what I mean is,” Callie nods and continues after gathering all the possible Zen and kindness in her, “You haven’t been a very good person lately and you probably know that.”

“Doctor Torres—”

“But good people do bad things all the time too, so I guess there isn’t really a definitive black or white for this sorta thing. Not that I’m implying you’re a very great person at all, no offense. I wish that you can forgive whatever… _thing_ that gave you the permission to sink below the line, like I am trying to do to mine.”

Lauren raises an eyebrow, but Callie sees the corner of her mouth twitch slightly.

“Yeah, and there are always people who say ‘you did a terrible thing, that doesn’t make you a terrible person’. That’s true too, I guess, but that one terrible thing you did, it was still you that done it. And for the record, you talked like you did some not very moral things. If there’s one thing I dislike more than durian desserts, it’s immorality. Or maybe amorality.”

Callie swallows, and pushes herself on. This is something she’s doing for her sake, and no one else’s.

Maybe one bad thing doesn’t make someone a terrible person, but it sure as hell doesn’t make someone a good one. It doesn’t guarantee a neutral stance for the author of the ‘bad thing’ either, it just takes them a step closer to being a bad person.

Callie always thought that it was stupid how people say that phrase and think they are pardoned and taken back to being an okay person. It doesn’t. Whoever did the ‘bad thing’ needs to try their darndest to be better. And even if there are personal reasons behind it, they still did a terrible thing. The persona things could make it more understandable maybe, but it doesn’t excuse it. Saying that it doesn’t make someone a terrible person doesn’t excuse the terribleness of the thing that someone did to everyone else. Terrible is terrible, and _nothing_ excuses it.

Callie digs a fingernail into her palm and stares straight back into the steely eyes of this woman that’s fixing her with a look that can kill bears.

“Careful with what you say.”

“Chill out, Lauren, and listen to me.” Callie gives her a sickly-sweet smile for good measure and continues, “I’m just saying, I hope you have a decent time for the rest of the weekend, and that you’ll become a better person someday. Hopefully. To be honest, I don’t care much.”

Lauren titters again, but lacking obviously some of her swagger form before. “Then you should probably scram.”

“Oh, I will. I have a ted talk to give and I don’t have a lot of time to waste here talking to you.” Callie takes a deep breath and feels so much lighter. She’s letting know Lauren she doesn’t hold so much power over her anymore. It still hurts, but only Arizona holds to power to let it hurt now. “I wish you well.”

She holds Lauren’s gaze and doesn’t let her’s waiver. She thinks she can almost feel the waves of intensity rolling off the other woman, but she isn’t scared or intimidated this time. Callie even thinks Lauren is feeling at least the slightest bit ashamed right now.

The woman cocks her head and bites her lip, maybe almost nervously. After what seems like hours, she opens her mouth and sternly says, “Thank you.”

With that, Lauren spins around and disappears between a beige overcoat and a blue suit.

//

Cristina and Arizona are immediately by Callie’s side. Cristina woops and extends a hand for Callie to high-five and claps her hard on the back. Although some of the leftover anger is still there, Arizona is beaming at Callie so brightly that she thinks Callie might be blinded if she doesn’t turn it down a notch.

“You completely owned it, you overly-kind bastard! We totally need to celebrate this but you need to get backstage in…” Cristina’s grinning from ear to ear with the pride for her still slightly dazed friend, and that grin doesn’t seem to be going away anywhere soon. She looks down at her watch, “Five minutes, so I’m going to get you some water. Robbins and I are going to stuff you backstage, so don’t even try to run away.”

Cristina rushes off towards the water dispensers and Arizona chuckles as she fumbles with the paper cups. She turns back towards Callie and after glancing around, she reaches out and squeezes Callie’s hand. She can’t be any prouder if she wanted to.

“You are such a good person, Calliope.” Arizona untangles her fingers from Callie’s and places her hands on Callie’s shoulder, forcing Callie to look at her. “I’m so, so, _so_ proud of you.”

Callie blinks and Arizona sees her gaze finally fixing itself on her face. A small smile graces Callie’s face and she says, “Thank you. I needed to do that for myself.”

“I know. I couldn’t have been so calm if I were in your position. You are _so_ amazing.”

Callie’s smile grows and she lowers her gaze almost shyly. “Wow, I still can’t believe I did that.”

Arizona laughs and releases Callie as Cristina comes sauntering back. She leans a little closer in their last seconds alone and whispers, “Remember, we have a date next week, just look forward to that. You. Are. Great.”

Arizona steps back when Cristina shoves the cup into Callie’s hands and starts walking them towards the side entrance leading backstage buzzing with workers and volunteers. When they arrive, Cristina and Arizona each high five Callie one more time, and Callie’s nerves begin to resurface again.

Arizona’s heart clenches when she sees the doubt and anxiousness flash across Callie’s face again, and as much as she wants to step forwards and gather her into her arms, she can’t.

Cristina nudges Callie. “Go on. Don’t embarrass us, and you’ll be fine.” Her usually hard expression turns into one a lot softer and kinder and she adds, “You’re freaking badass. Everyone will love you.”

Arizona settles for reaching over and patting Callie’s forearm gently, “We’ll be right here when you finish. Go be amazing.”

//

Callie takes what seems to be the millionth exaggeratedly deep breath and forces her fingers to stop fiddling with the microphone clinging to her face. The headset just adds to her nervousness, seeming to be screaming at just how important and dignified this whole matter is. Strangely, the weight of the small black box that they’ve clipped to the hem on the back of her skirt and extending a wire up to her headset offers a little comfort.

It grounds her a little.

The curtains backstage and are still shielding her from the public do an awfully great job at looming. It looms incredibly high, blocking out any excess light so that the only wavering ray of brightness in the dark corner is from the shine of the stage.

About five steps. That’s the distance separating Callie from the bright stage.

That’s all it’s going to take for Callie to be the one in the spotlight, with so many faces looking up expectantly up at her. She’s standing between the looming curtains right now, but when the tall sir chattering happily out there announces her name, it’s only going to take ten steps to lead her to her doom. Or her glory, whatever. Public speaking and doom always make an immediate connection in her head anyways.

She can feel the two workers shuffling some papers behind her, but she can barely feel her own toes. But it’s too late to try and run away now. She can hear the buzz of the mic of the man on stage when he announces that ‘Callie Torres, orthopedic surgeon extraordinaire’ is next on stage.

It still looks like a dream when she takes the last step out from the curtains and into the large, bland stage. The lights pounding down right away on her eyes and the glowing red letter of ‘TED SEATTLE’ staring back at her from the other side of the floor. The auditorium that she can’t even see the end of, that disappears into black, the rows and rows and rows of wooden seats spread out in a curve, and the hundreds of faces blinking at her. All those faces and all these people that she will make an impression on, might as well be her only impression to them, who don’t know her yet., and who are still blank slates on the memories of ‘Callie Torres’. She can taste the bile in the back of her mouth.

Callie forcefully commands her brain to direct her feet to the large red circle in the middle of the floor, right smack in the spotlight. There isn’t the time for a whole internal dialogue and irrational fear right now, she’s just gotta spit it out (with grace and knowledge and the surgeon dignity, though) and forget about how incredibly scared she is that she’ll forget a part of the speech halfway through.

“I’ve had a pretty bad few years leading up to this one moment of being on stage.” Callie smiles nervously and dares to scan through the audience. “I…almost died in a car wreck and lost my best friend, the father of my child, in a plane crash. The same crash that later finally contributed to losing my wife as well.”

Arizona and Cristina had said they were going to be in the fifth line, off to the right. Callie swallows and peers over to the rows in that direction. She’s not even sure she wants to see them, but her eyes don’t seem to register that thought, as they continue to search.

“I’m an orthopedic surgeon by trade, and I work with cartilage.” Through the rows of heads and bodies, Callie almost wishes the damn spotlight would shine a little brighter just to keep her from being able to see every single face staring back at her. All the years spent offstage, without any achievements, they can all be ruined if she makes a mistake now.

All the white nights, the missed dinners, the rain checked dates, the pager alarms fast asleep, the hours in the OR, the years in med school, so many people do all that and never get a chance to stand on a stage and speak out. To get to be heard.

Callie sucks in another breath and opens her mouth to continue.

But before she can get a word out, she finally catches Arizona’s great loopy smile in the fifth row to the right. And god, she can’t help but let her own smile spread over her face. The small flop her heart does every time she sees that smile is still there, even after all this time. And the irresponsible confidence that swells just a little bit when Arizona is there with her is still there too, when Callie pushes on.

“So naturally, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what holds us together.”

Callie can swear that the air in the auditorium brightened. Or lightened. Or whatever verb she should used to say that she feels better. Because she’s finding herself gesturing with her hands and getting just the tiniest bit _excited_ as she stands on this huge stage, and if she asked herself a few weeks if she would be enjoying this, it would’ve been a definitive _oh hell_ _no_. But she’s…enjoying this.

And she’s feeling proud with all the adrenaline pumping through every cell of her giddy doctor self thirsty to share her giddy knowledge with the rest of the world. The rest of the world will never know of the work and the sweat and the tears put into every small discovery they hear of, but even if anyone in the rest of the world can appreciate and find her useful, it would be all she can dare to wish for.

The big screen on the back flashes in the back, successfully condensing decades of work into a fifteen-minute worth of words and pictures. And the audience laughs at the parts when they’re supposed to, and they clap when she says something mildly impressive. Arizona smiles bigger and bigger, and claps the hardest, and Callie sees that occasionally when she darts her eyes back to the fifth row for a little bit of steadiness.

When the audience cheers and a huge wave of applause rolls after the last words of her talk, Callie is positive that this exhilaration can make up for the nervousness. And it’s true, she’s not even sure how she managed to survive the past years that were no less then constantly dramatically catastrophic, but with the grins of the two people only there for her and the applause from strangers, she thinks she knows how she’s going to survive the rest of the years.

It’s going to be hard, no doubt, but Callie’s got to remember this moment of glory and happiness. She loved herself in her ‘before’, and she misses the days living down in the basement and dancing on weekends. But now, Callie is in the ‘after’ and everything’s changed. She’ll still love her history with her old self, along with her history with the old Arizona, and her history with Mark, with Lexie, with George, with Derek…

And Callie will find happiness again, because that’s the best way to honor those bad years. It might take a while for her to get used to living her life this way, with these new people, and with these new places, but she certainly will learn to love it too, even with all the changes.

She thinks Arizona will _, too_ , and that they really are walking closer to an eventual happy ending.

> _I'll never love you less,_
> 
> _Don't let your worries second guess,_
> 
> _We'll start over fresh, living a life with no regrets_


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did something dumb and merged two chapters and somehow that sent out an alert on ff.net sooo I hoppe life is good on here. Yeah. Everything is still here, and this is the new chapter.   
> Enjoy-

_**THERE'S A LIGHT THAT NEVER GOES OUT** _

_**\- THE SMITHS** _

> _Take me out tonight, where there’s music and there’s people_
> 
> _and they’re young and alive,_
> 
> _Driving in your car, I never want to go home._

Good morning.

God, those two words haven’t felt so good to think about in so long.

Callie’s had good mornings, a lot of them actually, when she was still with Penny or mornings starting off with a highway pileup with nice broken bones…but none where the first two words to pop into her head as soon as she wakes up being ‘ _good morning_ ’.

The last time Callie’s felt that irresponsible excitement for only the prospect of waking up and facing the day must have been at least almost twenty years ago, sometime during the very start of her medical education, barely graduated from high school and probably somewhere in Botswana. 

But last night, the windows were open, her tea was warm, her boxes were unpacked, and Arizona had called to tell her that tomorrow night, they will be going on a date, so Callie had gone to sleep with dizzy expectations for tomorrow. Well, expectations are only made to be set down, but Callie had allowed them to stay towering high. It feels incredible.

Bouncing into the hospital, the pattern of the shadows of the leaves over the big glass pane that covers the wall facing the bridge over the lobby delights Callie even further. The sun is as bright as it should be on a mid-july morning and the swaying shadows that have filtered into the hospital itself are the most wonderful kind of out of place.

Callie’s silent happiness is disturbed by a nervously vibrating Jo who approaches her, carrying a cup of coffee. Callie can’t help but smile to herself when she realises this would probably conclude at least one of Cristina and Meredith’s ongoing bets. “Hey what’s up, Wilson?”

The resident hands Callie the coffee and scuttles along, climbing the staircase hurriedly, as if Callie would vanish off the face of the earth if Jo doesn’t grasp this chance. “Uh, you have coffee, please drink some.”

Callie raises an eyebrow, but pauses her strides to take a sip of her coffee. She squints her eyes and asks, “Wilson, are you forcing coffee down my throat to bribe me into a good mood?”

“Uh, I-I-”

Callie laughs, resuming her pace, “It’s fine, I’m already in a good mood.”

“Okay. That’s great. Um,” Jo chuckles awkwardly, “So it’s the fifth year and everyone’s choosing specialties and I still haven’t so I’m slightly going nuts even if Alex tells me Dr. Grey didn’t choose specialties until the last minute, so I still have all the time in the world, apparently…”

“Yeah, and there’s people like Yang and I who have our heads pointed in the direction of a specialty since the intern year.”

“Right, right, and you’re famously great at your field, Dr. Torres, so um,” she chuckles skittishly, “I was just wondering, you know since before you left, I spent a couple of months in ortho and I really, really loved it. Like, _really_.”

Callie turns around to face Jo after she presses the elevator button, leaving her face as blank as possible, enjoying this thing just a little bit too much. “Mhm? Is that right?”

“Honest to god. I really wish that, um, you could let me back more often on ortho rotations and maybe, er, participate in some more of your surgeries now that you’re back.” Jo clears her throat and stares at anywhere except at Callie.

Callie remains stoic and silent until Jo couldn’t take it anymore and finally meets her eyes. Callie bursts out laughing at the fear and anxiety written all over the resident’s face, “Yes, of course you can, Wilson, but I’ve gotta say, you’re really horrible at getting surgeries for yourself. And you always pick the days where I’m horny.” Seeing the now anxiously horrified look on her face, Callie laughs even harder, “Oh no, no, no, I didn’t mean it that way. I just haven’t done the do in almost six months and you’re poking that horny bear all over again— _okay_ , sorry, I’m going to shut up, that’s none of your business.”

“Um. Right.”

Callie giggles and steps into the elevator. “I’m going to go change, rounds are in ten minutes! We have two knee replacements and a couple more veterans coming to try on the bionic legs today.”

Jo perks up immediately and pumps her fist. “Yes! Right away, Doctor Torres!” And with that, she runs off, apologizing to the intern she almost crashed into over her shoulder.

Callie chuckles quietly to herself again and waits for the elevator doors to close. If she didn’t think it sounded weird and condescending and just a little narcissistic, she would’ve said that she always knew Jo would come into ortho since she popped that dislocated shoulder back in. She smiles and presses the button to the fifth floor.

The elevator buzzes and does that familiar rising thing that squeezes her head and stops at the second floor. Callie’s smile only grows wider when she sees Meredith and Arizona stepping in. Arizona greets her with the same huge grin and neither notices Meredith’s eyebrows shooting straight into her hairline.

“Hey guys.”

“Morning.” “Hey.”

“So. I just almost got run over by an excited Wilson trying to find Alex, mumbling something about getting back in ortho,” Meredith says with a smirk.

“She was just at the lobby with me two seconds ago…did she just run up two flights of stairs? In, like, thirty seconds?”

“Well no, actually, I passed by her on the stairwell of the first floor before coming to the elevators.”

Arizona cuts in, “What were you even doing in the stairwell when you _just_ joined me to go on the elevators?”

“Uhh…” Meredith looks away, “Why is this elevator not at the third floor yet?”

“Meredith Grey!”

Callie gasps dramatically. “Your lipstick is smudged! You were making out like a middle school girl on the stairs!”

Arizona gasps too, “Oh my god, Callie’s right. Who was it? Was it Deluca again?”

Meredith flushes, “No, no, he’s gotten with that intern from Italy.”

“Who was it? Did Riggs suddenly materialise?”

“You’ve gotta tell us!”

“Oh! Look!” Meredith spins around and backs out of the elevator, laughing nervously, “My stop is here, I’m just going to…”

Callie holds out an arm to keep the doors from closing and gives Meredith a pout, “Come on! Please?”

Meredith sighs, “His name is Finn. He’s a nice guy.”

“Wait,” Callie’s eyes widen, “Finn Dandridge? The McVet? From, like, a _decade_ ago?”

But the elevators doors are already closing, and Callie huffs in frustration. She glares at the doors and turns back around to Arizona.

“Even Mer is getting some, Arizona,” she whines.

Arizona rolls her eyes and steps closer to Callie, “And our first second time is not going to be a quickie in a workplace elevator.”

Callie huffs again and leans into the wall, crossing her arms across her chest.

Arizona chuckles at her, reaching over, passing an arm around Callie’s waist. “But I _can_ give you a proper good morning.”

“Oh?”

“Mhm.”

Callie’s smile comes back as Arizona closes the space between them, pressing her gently into the wall behind her. “Good morning.”

Arizona pauses, letting her lips brush over those of Callie’s as she whispers too, “Good morning.” And she slides her hands over to grasp at Callie’s hips, letting Callie’s own hands tangle in her hair and guide her towards the kiss. Callie smiles into the kiss. Now this, is even a better _good morning_.

Callie had once told Arizona on their first date (the first date from nine years ago, not the first date that’s going to happen tonight) that her favourite kisses were the ones open mouthed and soft, just letting herself be pressed into again and again. But after Arizona, she’d changed her mind.

Any kiss with Arizona would be leaving her deliriously happy. The chaste good night kisses, the idle pecks on the cheeks, the furious battling tongues, the deliberate strokes…they all hover above the kisses from anyone else. They make her body feel worth every struggle it’s put behind.

But Callie is so pleasantly surprised when Arizona remembers her favourite kisses. Her mouth is open and softly pressed into Arizona’s lips, and her waist itching for more than the languid touches of Arizona’s cold fingers. But Arizona’s lips are perfectly hot and all taking, so much that when the elevator dings its arrival, Callie starts to miss Arizona even before she’s pulled away.

Arizona lifts her face and turns to peak around the elevator doors. When she sees that there isn’t anyone of much importance, she turns back to Callie and gives her one last light and careful kiss before stepping away. Something about the tentativeness of the last kiss makes a good bit of blood rush to Callie’s head and turn her ears pink.

The care with which Arizona placed that last kiss makes Callie feel beautiful. Special.

“Don’t forget, six tonight, dress casual,” Arizona says as they step out of the elevator together.

Callie gives her a silly, toothy grin and nods.

“Have I kissed you into stupefaction?”

Callie rolls her eyes and gathers her voice from where it seemed to have been pushed, deep inside her throat. God, she just wants to drag Arizona back into that elevator and let her do whatever she wants with her. Her damn voice never fails to hoarsen after one of Arizona’s kisses. Even if like right now, only the smallest edge, but Arizona can surely hear it, because her grin turns smug as Callie answers. “Don’t flatter yourself. I’ll be waiting for you though.”

“You better.”

Callie chuckles and waves, walking off towards the orthopedic wing as Arizona turns around and heads to her own place of work.

Callie sips on a nice big cup of coffee and watches Jo staring intently at the X-Rays of a poor arm that’s been (somehow) stuck in a lawn mower, feeling undeniably proud of herself. Seattle might not be home, just like she thought, but Seattle feels so much closer to home than any place else she’s been.

The streets of New York were a little too dirty. The people were a little too loud, a little too careless. Callie found herself becoming used to loneliness, to insecurity, and those were things she, nor anyone, should ever become used to. She loves New York for its subtly messy ways, just as she loves Seattle for its aftermaths of rainy days. She can’t compare these kinds of love, if they aren’t the love for the same things. Each thing deserves its own kind of loving, as clouds and skirts, they’re both pretty, but they’re nothing alike.

Jo is still scratching the sleeve of her lab coat, and Callie watches her contentedly, feeling much more than she became used to feeling.

//

Arizona practically bounces into the pediatric wing, whistling a tune and grinning at random interns.

“Robbins!”

She turns around and grins at Alex coming out of the NICU. “Good morning Alex!”

“Uh, morning?” Alex frowns at her and hands over his tablet. “Here, I’ve got a baby with his brains growing out of his face. I just wanted to go over the whole procedure with you before taking him into the OR this afternoon.”

“We already did one of these a few years back, didn’t we?”

“Yup.”

Arizona takes the tablet and flicks over a few of the charts and Alex’s notes. “It’s great. He’s going to be perfect when he comes out of your surgery.”

“Hm.” Alex takes back the tablet and continues squinting at Arizona. “Thanks. You wanna join me in on this one?”

“Uhh…I can’t, sorry. I had the afternoon off and I have…things to do.”

“Uh-huh.”

Arizona chuckles nervously. Callie and her agreed on explaining all this to Sofia before letting all their meddling friends know. It kind of sucks when it feels like they’re hiding. But it’s exciting when it feels like a privacy that only belongs to the two of them while it lasts. “Yeah. With Sofia. At the…erm…park.”

“Yeah?”

“Yup.” Arizona gives Alex another big flash of a half apologetic smile, “What? Stop staring at me like I’m some flying llama.”

“You just gave up on a surgery. Of a baby with his brains out. And you’ve got your hair all curly.”

“ _What?_ ”

Alex shrugs and leans against the nurse’s station and waves a hand in Arizona’s direction. “You haven’t got your hair that curled since…since… _forever_.”

“I can curl my hair whenever I want to, Karev. I’ll curl _your_ shaved little head if I want to.”

“Dude,” Alex says, raising his hands up. “Just saying. You’ve got something going on that’s got you all curly.”

Arizona shrugs and turns around to leave.

“Hey! Aren’t you at least gonna tell me who the date’s with?”

“None of your business, Karev!”

Alex grumbles at Arizona disappearing around a corner. Leaning over the counter, he pokes the head of red hair that was hunched behind a computer.

“Ow!”

“My bad, sorry,” Alex says and pats April’s head. “It’s with Torres, isn’t it, the date?”

“Oh yeah, totally.”

Surprised, he leans forward further. “She told you?”

“Oh no, no. But I know.”

“Do they really think they’re that subtle?”

“Give ‘em some time,” April says, flicking a pencil at Alex’s head. “They’ll tell us when they’re ready.”

“Ouch. Go back to hunching behind the computer and I’ll go back to pretending you don’t exist, alright Kepner?”

April rolls her eyes, making a grimace, and slumps back to typing on the computer.

//

Standing in front of the mirror behind the door her closet, Callie throws off the fifth top she’s put on with a groan. Getting ready for a date shouldn’t be this hard. She was _good_ at getting ready for dates before.

And then along came Arizona.

Callie exhales slowly and rests her forehead on the wall. First dates are hard. First dates shouldn’t be this hard. First dates shouldn’t make her this nervous. But then along comes Arizona and ruins all her previous understandings to about everything, influencing her irreversibly. No one’s influenced her as much as Arizona before, it’s still sends chills down Callie’s spine and weirds her out when she thinks about it.

But it’s a good weird.

It feels like ever since she left the hospital at three in the afternoon, she’s been walking in circles in her apartment, showering, changing clothes, worrying about Arizona, and talking to herself. No one can haunt her the way Arizona haunts her when she isn’t around. She could say that she’d never, for one moment, stopped thinking about the pieces of Arizona she carries with her even when she was with other people, but she would be lying.

She’d, no doubt, come across moments where some great funny thing made her laugh and throw her head back, and she wouldn’t be thinking ‘ _oh, those inevitable pieces of Arizona I carry within me forever, probably, because they aren’t really carried than integrated into myself; I have been influenced so deeply by everything that was Arizona that she’s become a part of what makes me who I am_ ’. No, she’d been more likely thinking ‘ _wow, funny_ ’. But when she slowed down her frantic lifestyle and took a moment to stare out the window, Arizona was usually the person that popped into her mind. And when she sat quietly in a bar with dancing, sweaty, loud people and tried to get lost in her own head, Arizona would sneak into her head eventually.

It didn’t mean anything. It was just something she thought about by habitual reflex.

But Arizona did haunt her, and when she thinks of it like that, it sounds kinda creepy.

So after another of couple frustrated sighs, Callie finally settles on a newer shirt that just barely made it past her scrutinizing in the mirror. It could be a good sign, right?

Because Callie is (strangely) caring and superstitious about signs and meanings that she probably makes up all by herself. This shirt is new, just like them, having a do-over. Her day at the hospital was lazy and the ER was slow, probably making up for how her evening is going to be way better. She’s got a bobby pin somewhere in her hair falling down to her shoulders that she’d found in the box where she put her old wedding ring and heart necklace. God know how it got there, but Callie thinks it’ll bring her good luck, since it’s probably been sitting next to those two other important pieces of jewelry for some time.

Arizona used to say it was cute how Callie believes that these sorts of meanings that she practically made up herself. Another reason she’s believing them tonight. Because Arizona used to say it was cute.

Callie blows a breath of air out slowly through her nose and heads to the kitchen. She opens her fridge and stares at the contents inside for a minute, and then closes it again. She looks up at the clock. Four fifty-seven. Arizona said she would come at five o’clock sharp. Callie takes another breath and walks to the living room to stare out the window before bouncing up again and skittling back into the kitchen. Just as she was considering banging her head on a wall to rid some of the nerves, the intercom buzzes.

“Oh thank god,” Callie breathes. She was _this_ close to bursting. Dashing to the door in her hurry to answer, she steps on another Lego piece left strewn in the middle of the floor by Sofia. Yelping, Callie finally gets to answering the buzz, standing on one foot. “H-Hey, Arizona?”

Arizona voice comes blurrily with the distinct honk of a car in the distance. “Hey, are you okay? You sound…not okay.”

“I’m fine, I’m fine, I stepped on another piece of Lego.” She can’t help the scowl that falls off of her face as soon as she hears Arizona laughing through the intercom. “I’m coming down in a minute, stay where you are.”

“Since I have so many other dates to be at?” Callie chuckles, even though she feels a slight thump in her chest. As though Arizona can read her mind, she adds right away, “Because I don’t, Calliope. There’s only you.”

Swallowing the thump (calling it a thump makes it feel bigger than just a mere lump) down enough so that she doesn’t have to deal with it, Callie nods to the intercom even if Arizona can’t see her. “Mhm.” She can’t deny the little flutter of fear that tells her she could very well be another notch in Arizona’s many bedposts. Maybe a notch that’s been revisited, but just a notch…

No. Callie can’t go down this spiral. She can’t go doubting what they’d shared, even if any thought of cheating inks its way, pulling doubt alongside it, into everything she remembers them sharing. She knows most of the reasons behind the cheating. Arizona and her spent many nights talking about them after her malpractice lawsuit. She can’t let it keep her from never trusting Arizona again.

They’re starting over.

This is a do-over.

Arizona’s voice crackles through the intercom again. “Hey, buzz me in so I can reassure you to your face.”

“But—”

“No buts, Callie, it’s basic manners to pick up your date at their door anyway. Open sesame and let me in.”

Smiling to herself despite of her still wavering insecurities, Callie unlocks the main door. “Okay. Come on in.”

“Super.”

Just as Callie finishes putting on her shoes, two sharp knocks on her front door resound. Straightening herself and blowing one last breath out of her nose, she swings the door open and beams helplessly at Arizona on the other side. How can she _not_ beam when it’s Arizona that’s waiting for her when she swings open that door?

“Hey.”

Callie pulls her gaze up from Arizona’s body and meets her eyes, not missing the amused look she gets. “Hey.”

“I think we were just smiling like idiots at each other for the last minute.”

“We have good reasons to.”

It’s Arizona’s turn to smile brighter and sweep her eyes over Callie, earning a bashful little glance down, and nod in agreement. “We have _damn_ good reasons to.”

Callie chuckles and bends down on the floor to retrieve her purse where she had flung it as she had put on her shoes. “Yup, I’m just gonna…” she huffs as she straightens and puts a hand on her forehead. “Urgh. Headrush.” Feeling a gentle hand coaxing her out into the hallway and leaning over to shut the door behind her, Callie groans, “You know it goes away after, like, five seconds and then I can see again. Now I feel like a lost puppy.”

Arizona swallows and swats Callie on the arm, still reeling from the blessing view down Callie’s shirt when she bent down and to get her purse. If she didn’t get Callie out of that apartment, she doubts that they could’ve ever gotten out, already that Callie’s outfit (or just Callie in anything. Or rather, the thought of her _not_ in anything) was making her question the whole ‘going slow’. In that split second, all she wanted to do was bend Callie down over somewhere else and pull her against her front and…

Arizona clears her throat. “Just impatient, I guess.”

“Me too.” Callie blinks and grins, “Oh look, I can see again!”

Arizona laughs. She really can’t have Callie thinking any of those girls who giggle like hyenas with cigars up their butts can ever compare to her. Callie just…isn’t comparable, because she doesn’t even fit into that category.

There are girls. And then there’s Callie.

Nope, that sounds weird. She just means _Callie is special_.

“Come on, we’re taking the subway.”

Falling into pace beside Arizona after locking her door, Callie steers them towards the lift. “The subway? Really?”

“Hey, we both love taking the subway, and there isn’t a lot of people at five in the afternoon.”

“Actually, I think this is right on rush hour time.”

Arizona swats Callie’s arm as Callie laughs again, stepping into the elevator. She grimaces just a little and says, “No complaining about the first date on the first date, Calliope. And our weird love for subways will not be disturbed by rush hour.”

“Fiine,” Callie drawls, secretly still giddy at the thought that Arizona seems to be alright with taking subways again. That Arizona is still loving all the things she’s loved before her amputation. Even if Callie wasn’t there to see Arizona winning some of her old self back, she’s so happy that Arizona did it, with or without her help.

Like she still believes, it’s not her job to save someone else, no matter how much she wants to, even if that person is Arizona Robbins.

//

Callie’s heart is beating faster then this train rushing through a dark tunnel, supposedly on the pink line, according to the map on the wall opposite her.

The subway car is suspiciously _not_ squeezing them like sardines for rush hour. There were still enough people to make them walk uncomfortably and bump into arms, but they’d found two seats at the end of the car (again, suspicious) and are now seated, shoulder to shoulder, elbow to elbow, knee to knee. Callie likes it. Her left side is unreasonably pressing against Arizona’s right side, and she feels like a teenager on her first date, finding all her giddiness from being so close to the other person.

“Are you going to tell me where we’re going?”

Arizona turns her head and smiles at Callie. “We’re going to the night market.”

Callie’s face splits into a grin too. “The one you told me about on one of our small talk sessions when I was in New York and you were here and we never knew what to talk about after arranging the flights for Sofia?”

“You remember me telling you about that?”

Callie looks away, just a teeny bit embarrassed and shrugs nonchalantly. “Yeah.” It’s like her brain always had an ingrained reflex to remember the things Arizona say. She’s pretty sure she still has a folder in the ‘notes’ app on her phone filled with things she’d found out about Arizona from when they’d just begun dating (not that she needed to note them down, but she liked the feeling to writing down things about Arizona).

“I don’t think I told you about the part where I walked through it on my first day off in two weeks and wished you were here.”

“No, you didn’t tell me that part.”

“Well, I did wish that. It was a really rare night in Seattle, one of those where everything was clear with no clouds and the moon is so big it’s scary. It was pretty perfect, but I wished you were there to see it.” Arizona gently puts a hand on Callie’s knee. “You, Calliope, not anyone else. This isn’t a joke to me. You were never ‘just’ anything. You are all or nothing. I’ll make sure to show you, but for now, please choose to believe me.”

Callie turns back to Arizona, meeting her eyes. She couldn’t have said anything else but “I believe you.”

The smile that spread across Arizona’s face was worth saying that again and again and again, if Callie could.

“Oh, and I know a night market is probably not the best place to have dinner on a first date, but I love the place and I’m sure you will too, so just suck it up and love it.”

“Aye, aye Captain.”

Arizona snorts, “Did you just say that?”

“Yup, deal with it.”

They fall back into their old subway silence, enjoying the flashes of darkness speeding in the windows of the car and the intercom announcing stops in her nasally and sharp voice. As surgeons, they always travel by car, and that’s probably where this weird love and enjoyment for subways come from. Penny didn’t get why Callie always wanted to take the subway on their days off, but she still went and laughed with Callie on the way, like a good girlfriend would. Arizona shares her love for this weird thing, and loves it with her.

Callie’s been loving subways since the lunch they’d spent together on a bench park while Callie was trying to grovel for her job back. They didn’t have too many surgeries that day, so they had decided to take the subway to a park further away from the hospital to have lunch. And on the way back, the subway car was even more suspiciously empty than it is today, and they had a rather intense make out session against the wall on the back (under the very reasonable excuse of giving Callie enough courage and adrenaline to face the chief).

The nasally voice announces the third to last stop and Arizona laces her fingers with Callie and pulls her up. “This is us. Get ready for the second best first date ever.”

Callie quirks an eyebrow. “The second best?”

“The best being the first date we had nine years ago, of course.”

Callie laughs and squeezes through a couple of sweaty bodies, still clinging onto Arizona hand, not letting it go even when they’ve stepped of the train and into the damp, tiled floors. She spares a glance back to the train that’s already moving on to its next destination before Arizona pulls her to the stairs leading up. She can’t help but wonder if the car they’d just sat in was the same car they’d made out in so long ago.

The sky is covered in big, buff-looking clouds but the sun somehow found an empty space to shine down on the pedestrians waiting at the stoplight. Late afternoon, and there’s a shy wind rustling through the overly green leaves on the small patch of grass separating the car lanes from each other, and the day just feels so warmly perfect, all the way down to the squawk of car horns on the asphalt roads.

Callie would be happy just standing at the crossroad waiting for that stoplight to turn green with Arizona for the rest of the date. To just keep standing, and standing, and standing…

Her eyes widen as the light turns green as they break into a brisk pace to the other side of the street. She hadn’t thought of this part. “Arizona, we took the subway here, and we don’t have any cars, and we’re walking—”

Arizona tilts her head and raises her eyebrows, never breaking their pace.

“I mean, we’ll be walking in the night market and back to the subway!”

“Yes…”

“Is your leg okay? Will it be okay?”

Arizona’s already giddy little heart gets another surge of warmth at Callie’s worries. She swears, before the day is over, her heart would be beating out of her chest and straight into Callie’s hands. She’d been so used to planning the dates with Carina, and apart from Carina (and their like, two dates) the other girls she’d… _met_ after Callie were all just…temporary, as in for a night. She’d been used to taking care of herself, and when dates or _exploits_ got tiring, she’d make excuses for herself.

But Callie’s here, on their first date, caring, and Arizona isn’t used to it. And wow, that’s kind of really sad when she thinks about it.

She laughs. A light, fluttering, summer kind of laugh and looks at Callie’s adorably concerned face.

“Why are you laughing? Does it hurt? Does it hurt so bad that you’ve gone completely nuts and started laughing? Arizona?”

Arizona grins at Callie and pats her on the arm, the two of them stepping on the sidewalk on the other side. “No, I’m fine. I’m great. You just looked so worried about my leg and somehow, I found that…laugh worthy.”

Callie huffs. “A little condescending, but okay.”

“My leg is perfectly fine, Calliope. I did all the necessary precautions and had a bath yesterday, so you can forget about worrying about me for a bit and just focus on enjoying this first date.”

“Okaayy.” They walk for a bit more, crossing a parking lot and following some signs saying ‘Richelieu Night Market’, simply revelling in coexisting in the same space so happily again. It’s something Callie will never tire of, coexisting with Arizona, sharing a space with her, getting to catch glimpses of her hair that lighten considerably in the late afternoon light from the corner of her eyes. “Wait, so are you taking me to a night market at _six_ in the afternoon?”

“Yup.”

“At six?”

“Yup.”

“Arizona. It’s a night market.”

“And it starts at seven.”

“But it’s six!”

Arizona gestures to the little tents and displays and stores that are already set up and bustling in the distance. “There are food trucks and places to eat, Calliope. They don’t just keep the whole thing empty and then have a night market suddenly pop up at seven.”

Callie smiles sheepishly. “Oh.” And she perks up immediately and bounces on the balls of her feet. “Food trucks?”

“Yes. Food trucks!”

“Why wasn’t this here when I was still in Seattle?!”

Arizona glances at her watch with a grin at Callie’s whine. “Well, it’s here now, and you’re here with me, and we’re going to have a hell of a good evening.”

“Oh yeah, that’s for sure.”

Like little kids, they both have a shared love for food trucks and all things that remind them of carnivals. For the very simple and serious reason that _they are fun_. Who doesn’t like kiosks of corn dogs, rice cakes, and iced tea?

The evening isn’t by any means hot, getting a little chilly, even, with the sun slowly creeping closer to the horizon and the shy wind familiarizing itself with people’s hair (and the strange talent at blowing it right into their faces). But it wasn’t chilly enough to stop Callie from buying a large cup of iced tea and slurping on the straw happily. Leaning against a tree, Arizona drops the change back into her purse and reaches a hand to Callie.

“What?”

Wiggling her fingers, Arizona gestures for Callie to come closer. As soon as she was close enough, Arizona leans forward and takes a big slurp on Callie’s straw and smacks her mouth happily.

“Hey! My tea!”

Arizona shrugs and attempts to get another sip, only to have Callie shuffling out of her reach. “I bought it for you. Come on, sharing is caring, Calliope.”

“You already stole it the other time at the karaoke.”

“Ah-ah-ah. I can tickle you for it again if you want.” Laughing at Callie furiously shaking her head, she adds, “And if I remember right, you owe me a favour because I sang with you, and you said you’d do ‘anything’ in return for me going to the Ted talk with you.”

Callie grimaces and hands Arizona the plastic cup. “Remind me to think twice before saying anything to you next time. And my tea counts as the favour.”

“Aww, come on, drinking something I bought counts as a favour?”

“Yes.”

“Fine,” Arizona says, with a smirk and the same look in her eyes when Callie got out of shower in front her weeks ago. Callie swallows. She’d have no problem promising another favour if Arizona puts that look in her eyes to use. “This counts as the favour, but I still have a ‘Calliope can do anything I want’ card.” Lowering her voice and grinning devilishly at Callie, she purrs, “And I plan on putting that to good use once we finish going slow.”

Swallowing again, Callie nods. “Deal.”

//

Their first date, and whatever supernatural person who controls the weather (she’s a surgeon and a scientist, but she can still believe in myths and legends) decided it would be good to rain.

“I swear that when I check the weather yesterday, the weatherman that always wore that purple tie with yellow dots said that today would be sunny,” Arizona grumbles.

“That’s why you should never trust anyone who wears purple bow ties, Arizona, they’re suspicious.”

Hiding together under the eave of a stall that supposedly sells hats and caps, Callie doesn’t even spare enough of her brain to be anxious in the rain. Frankly, she’s still enjoying this date and telling herself that Arizona is right here and they’re starting over, and that seems to work good enough for not being anxious. It’s a thunderstorm anyway. It’s a small shower.

Callie is still badass in small showers.

“You can’t judge someone based on the color of their ties, Calliope, that’s mean.”

“Okay fine,” Callie says, “But I can give myself an idea of what to expect.”

“How?”

“By judging.”

Arizona titters disapprovingly at Callie. Grabbing a cap from the display, she puts it on Callie’s head and pushes the rim down low. “There, now you can’t judge people and the population of the earth can go around being happy without a really hot surgeon judging them.”

Pushing the rim back up again, Callie huffs, “Not nice, Robbins.”

“Hey! It’s a Harry Potter hat!”

Immediately lighting up, Callie snatches off the cap to look at. “Ooh! Nice random hat-grabbing, Arizona, I’ll forgive you a bit for messing up my hairstyle.” Grinning happily at the cap and then pushing it back on her head, she points at herself. “Hufflepuff!”

Arizona rolls her eyes at the hat on Callie’s head, black with a yellow crest and a wacky looking badger. She’d been bullied many times by Callie over the years due to her dislike of the Harry Potter series. Well, not as much as dislike as she read two pages of the first book and gave up because it sounded boring.

She’s better at video games. She absolutely crushes Callie at Mario Kart.

Callie smiles apologetically at the forty-something vendor a few feet away before finding a Slytherin hat and pushing it down on Arizona’s head.

“Owww.” Callie laughs as Arizona pulls the cap off and glare at her.

“Aww, come on, that was payback.”

Arizona flicks her forehead and grumbles, “Slytherin? I thought that was the mean house.”

“No, no, no,” Callie says as she rubs at the spot on her head and looking genuinely affronted. Just like before, she takes it as a personal offense when Arizona refers to Slytherin as the ‘mean house’. “Rowling made them all be mean. They’re not mean. They’re ambitious, leaders, smart, determined, resourceful—”

“Okay, okayyy, I get it, I’m awesome,” Arizona drawls.

Callie huffs, “Slytherins are hot. You look hot in dark green.”

“Oh I do, do I?”

“Totally.”

“Better than Fred and George Weasley combined?”

Callie purses her lips. “Mean. You know they’re my favourite characters.”

“Come on, say I’m better and I’ll buy the hats, Calliope,” Arizona says in a sing-song voice.

“Ooh. Yes. You’re better, Arizona, you’re the best.”

//

Peeking out the eave of the stall twenty minutes later, Arizona notes cheerily that the rain has turned into a ridiculously light drizzle. They would barely feel the rain with their hats on, which she finally bought for the both of them, plus one for Sofia after Callie had insisted that her daughter will read the Harry Potter books at least once in her life.

Beside her, Callie seems to share the same thought to check the rain too, as she leans forward to poke her head out of the eave. To her great dismay, a small chalkboard with block letter of ‘Caps and Hats and More!’ slams into her right knee and stops her from being able to step forward to support the weight she’d just leaned. And _of course_ her feeble attempt at rebalancing herself went to hell with the sharp pain in her knee and resulted in her landing hard on her butt.

“OH—” Before Arizona could reach out and catch her, she bursts into laughter at Callie’s disgruntled expression.

Callie whines as she flushes a deep crimson, shining through her skin and making it to what Arizona thinks is a perfectly and adorably delightful shade. “Arizona!”

Still laughing at Callie, Arizona grabs one of her hands and hauls her up to sit on the sidewalk.

“This is not funny.”

‘I-It’s _hilarious_.” Arizona is still chuckling as she crouches slowly down in front of Callie, bending her prosthetic awkwardly underneath her and rolling up Callie’s pant leg. “You should have seen the look on your face, you looked like someone punched you in the boobs and ate your last cookie.”

“What kind of metaphor is _that_?”

“Dunno, it was exactly what you looked like,” Arizona says as she pulls out a band-aid from her back pocket, still chuckling at intervals when she thinks of Callie’s face when she fell down.

Callie tries to glare at Arizona, but she just can’t even look mad when Arizona was laughing so hard at her very not romantic lack of elegance. She watches Arizona blow gently on her knee and tearing open the band-aid instead with a goofy grin that is completely inappropriate for someone who’s just fell on their butt. “You still keep band-aids in your back pocket?”

Arizona scoffs, “Of course I do.”

“I still never got how you _always_ had them.”

“I grew up a military brat with a brother that always got into fights and dumb dares with me. And then I became a surgeon. Of course I always have band-aids,” Arizona says as she pats Callie’s knee and rolls down her pants gently, “And now that I have a daughter, I’ll have even more of them. Apparently, I need to have them for you too, now.”

Callie watches Arizona stand up and hold out a hand for her. Gazing up at the still amused look on Arizona’s eyes, Callie can’t recall a more perfect fall, because her knee doesn’t hurt at all. Not after Arizona’s blown and band-aided it up so nicely.

No, falling doesn’t hurt at all, not this time around, at least.

“Yeah, you’ll probably need to keep up that habit since poor Callie Torres just constantly goes around tripping over chalkboards.”

“It wouldn’t surprise me, to be honest. “Arizona smirks, “And I could say some perfectly cheesy line about falling right now.”

“Please don’t. I’ve embarrassed myself enough for one date,” Callie says, standing up and letting Arizona lead them down the now slightly wet and damp stone road. She doesn’t let go of Arizona’s hand, and she spies a tiny little smile playing on Arizona’s lips before she twists her hand and interlaces Callie’s fingers with her own. 

The wet freshness of the rain is lingering on the grass on the trees, and the leaves look even more ridiculously green than they did before this classic-Seattle-ten-minute-bout-of-rain.

They found a stumpy park-styled table and bench to eat at, with its wood looking all moody and smelling great. Arizona is chewing on the leftover ice of Callie’s tea since Callie loves icy drinks, just not the ice. It’s weird, and Arizona still teases her about it.

“If I eat the last pot sticker, will you smack me?”

Callie squints at Arizona across the picnic table and nods. “I’m not letting it go without a fight.”

Arizona squints back with equal aggressiveness. “Well, I’m not letting you let me let it go without a fight.”

“What?”

“No yeah, I don’t have any idea what I just said either.”

“Oh, cool.”

“Yeah—” Arizona raises her head and lets a ‘Oooh’.

“What now?”

Arizona reaches over to slap Callie on the arm. “Turn around, the sky is all pretty.” When Callie just squints even harder at Arizona and purses her lips, Arizona rolls her eyes. “It’s past eight and the sun is setting after it just rained, Calliope. The sky is pretty, so turn around. I won’t steal the pot sticker.”

“Mmm. I’m coming on your side.”

Arizona rolls her eyes again as Callie shuffles out of her bench and slides next to her.

“Whoa.”

“See? Told ya.”

It’s one of those skies Callie only sees alone.

Those skies that she only comes across during a walk home alone, and they’re so damn pretty that Callie just wishes furiously that there was someone beside her worthy enough of sharing the beauty with. And then she ends up only sighing a little sadly and pausing in front of someone’s perfectly mowed lawn to stare at the colorful infinities swimming above her, alone.

But now, Arizona is sitting beside her under this sky.

They aren’t only under the same sky, but sitting right beside each other under the same sky, and frankly, it feels pretty damn awesome.

“Hey, if you squint hard enough, you can see the rainbow.”

Callie squints and focuses on the confusing colors at the rim of sky where it meets the skyline of stalls, stores, and far away tall offices. Those colors shouldn’t be possible for the sky to make all alone.

“Oh! I see it!” The rainbow is barely there, probably because the rain wasn’t all that hard or long, but it’s there alright, staring back at Callie with shy relief.

“Hmmf.”

“Arizona?” Callie turns back to Arizona. “Arizona!”

“Hmmh eeth goomdth.”

Callie glares at her, and then at the now _empty_ plate of pot stickers while Arizona chews happily. “That was not nice.”

After taking her time to swallow smugly, Arizona laughs and wraps an arm around Callie’s waist, pulling her into her side. “Cheer up, look at the sky.” She looks years younger, under the summer twilight. The arm around Callie’s waist feels even closer to home than Seattle does, and Callie tries to sneakily inch just a little closer.

If ‘meant to be’ is a bluff and a fairy tale, and soulmates aren’t exclusive, then Callie wouldn’t go as far as comparing them to a pair of anything. Maybe more like an odd sock catching the eye of another odd sock in the wilderness of their broken and messy world, and smiling, because they’re now far less alone.

Callie huffs.

“Aww, Calliope, come on. If you stick with me long enough, I’ll make sure you’ll get all the pot stickers you want, okay?”

Callie huffs again, but grudgingly drops her head on Arizona’s shoulder. She cracks a smile as Arizona sighs contently and tilts her golden head onto her. A lock of practically transparent hair falls on Callie’s face, smelling of Arizona, and Callie blows it away gently.

Callie stares at the sun inching closer and closer to the rooftops and stays in the warmness Arizona gives her with an arm wrapped around her waist. The night market around them is buzzing with faraway conversations and vendors setting up their stores, teenagers laughing at something on their phones, parents chasing down toddlers and young couples sharing ice-cream.

No one pays any attention to them apart from the wind that takes a stroll by everyone’s side, like an old love song that’s been sung too much.

She’s spent so long not existing, and she’ll certainly spend another thousand years being dead. If she were here alone, she would be the worst kind of alive, but Arizona is surrounding her, and she is mastering the best kind of living.

For ten strange seconds, she doesn’t know who she is or why she is here. For ten little eternities. All that exists and left to feel from of Callie Torres are the parts touched by Arizona and the disappearing sun.

The very best kind of strange.

When Arizona finally lifts her head, with Callie following suite, the first thing she sees is that dimple before blinking and getting used to the lighting around them.

“Oh, the night market’s already open and busy now.”

“You wanna go?”

Callie nods excitedly and snatches the trash left from their dinner, already heading over to the garbage bins. “Hell yeah. Hurry up, Robbins!” Hurrying against the orange light pouring down from the edge of the sky, Callie looks like she’s quite literally running on sunshine. To Arizona, at least.

But as long as Arizona sees, that’s all that should matter.

//

Arizona scuffles around the bench and with two strides, is beside Callie, but before she can do it, Callie already took her hand and laced their fingers together. Stifling her grin won’t do her any good now, except for contributing to looking a little maniacal.

Calliope Torres is holding her hand.

They’re holding hands.

Arizona squeals internally.

She doesn’t let go of that hand even when they arrive at some flea-market looking displays of puzzles and jewelry and their hands twist. Instead, Arizona bends her right arm behind her, making Callie switch to her other side, and switch hands without ever losing contact.

She really, really, really feels like a teenager and she’s loving every second of it.

Arizona pauses to watch Callie fondle some very cool three dimension looking puzzles.

What was on her list of wonders of the world again?

Right.

One, Callie smiling into her shoulder.

Two, listening to Callie sing.

She’s adding a third one as ‘walking through a market on a summer night with Callie’.

Should she just write ‘Calliope Torres’ in big block letters on her hypothetical little list?

Just as Callie raises her head to say something, a mic buzzes on their right. Turning around simultaneously, they see a man with big, white, bushy eyebrows patting a cheap looking mic in front of him and tuning his guitar. A small crowd of people is already filing around his setup, pleasantly chatting and awaiting.

“You want to just walk around this part of the market so we can still hear him when he starts his show?”

Arizona glances at the growing crowd. “Yeah. Let’s go there, they look like they have cool socks.”

“Oohh. Cool socks are always worth looking at.”

Another swarm of memories quickly come and goes, as they always do, because she has way too may memories with Callie. Years of their lives are entangled. No one can tear away the parts of Callie that stay with Arizona.

Arizona smiles and swings their hands between them as Callie chatters about the lanterns and twinkling lights that criss-cross above their heads. They’re only beginning to light up, as the leftover rays of light the sun’s left them with are going home too. The old man’s beginning to pluck at some strings of his guitar, and Arizona swears she sees a firefly zooming over Callie’s ear.

“You look so pretty under the lanterns.”

Arizona snaps out of her blissful appreciation of everything around her and turns pink at Callie’s sudden compliment.

“Aww, now you look even prettier,” Callie says, grinning widely.

Arizona juts out her chin proudly. “I always look pretty. No, I’m not pretty, I’m hot. I’m scalding. I can melt you into roast chicken.”

“Of course you can.”

Quickly pulling out her phone and swiping it open, Arizona snaps a picture of Callie wearing that stupid grin under the lanterns. Flipping her phone around to let Callie see, she chuckles, “Look. You’re even prettier.”

“Nooo, delete that!” Callie whines and tugs Arizona’s hand, “I wasn’t ready! I look like you on Christmas eve!”

“Uh, excuse you, I look hot on Christmas eve and every other time of the year.”

Callie rolls her eyes and laughs too, “Yes, Arizona Robbin’s beauty is unparalleled by any other.”

Arizona flips her hair over her shoulder with her free hand, and resumes walking. “Well, I think you can come pretty close to my unparalleled beauty. But only you. On earth, at least. Maybe I’ll take a fancy to a blob on Mercury someday and say it comes close to my unparalleled beauty.”

“Nah. Unparalleled means unparalleled. It means no one can measure up.”

Arizona looks genuinely insulted for a moment and scowls playfully at Callie. “Then I say you’re the one with unparalleled beauty.”

“How dare you,” Callie gasps dramatically, covering her chest with a hand, “Arizona Robbins cannot have any competition, for she blinds them with her oh-so-dazzling smile and proceeds to drown them in her perkiness afterwards.”

Arizona throws her head and laughs loudly at their own ridiculousness just as the guitar spins out a little tune behind them. The man begins to sing in a foreign language, mandarin, it sounds like, and Arizona squeezes Callie’s hand and leads them to the next display.

But she’s still pretty stubborn on the fact that Callie is the one with unparalleled beauty around here.

The sky above they’re heads is going to a weirdly grey shade with bits and pieces of pink light sticking through. The sun’s been gone for awhile now.

Arizona pauses at the end of a long line of stalls and kiosks and looks around. “Hey, it’s not quite ten yet, and Sofia is at Meredith’s for the night. We have one last place to be.”

Callie lowers her head from where she was craning her neck to look at the sky moments ago and racks her brains for places near this night market. The Seattle map in her brain has been rusting a bit, but she’s got a good idea on places near this subway route. “Ooh, is it the park? The park bench?”

Arizona sighs, “Why do you know me so well? Now there’s no suspense.”

“Aww, it’s okay. I haven’t been there for years; it’ll still be somewhat a surprise.”

“In years? It’s been that long?”

Callie nods sadly, “Yeah. I never had lots of time to go after the plane crash, and then I moved away.” She shrugs, lifting one shoulder really high and letting it drop in a wild free-fall that Arizona always thought resembled a hungry sky-diver. “But you can take me now, and be my company to the first re-introduction of the holy grail of park benches.”

Arizona trudges sadly for too for a few steps when she thinks of the years they’d spent apart, in Seattle and in New York. She’s sure that it was sharp and rampaging at the time, but now, it’s much like anything else, like a blur of being stuck pushing through one day just to wake up and push through the next. She guessed that was all that was left; to continue ‘living’ whether she liked it or not.

She was supposed to heal, she knows that was why their marriage ended. Callie had looked brand new overnight, and Arizona had caught her looking at her once, but when she looked again, Callie didn’t look twice.

No one could’ve saved Arizona but herself. But how was she supposed to find herself and be herself when she wasn’t even sure who she was?

She was the one missing from her own existence for months, so she had allowed herself to wallow in grief, in love with no place to give. And then she started sucking it up. She had to.

Arizona grips Callie’s hand tighter as they walk out of the night market and turns around, just watching the light of a street lamp pour onto Callie’s face. Callie is watching her feet drag occasionally on the concrete and not talking, with the leftovers of the wide grin she just barely kept off her face. Arizona wishes she has the courage to acknowledge the little bit of leftover love in her stubborn, chaotic heart.

But she tells herself instead that it’s just a part of what she always feels when she’s around Callie.

The nightfall is here, and normally, Arizona doesn’t like the dark. Not like Callie, who’s secretly creeped out by the dark but will never admit it, who insists on keeping a light on in the kitchen at night. But Arizona likes it when it’s with Callie that’s holding her hand.

She likes the smell of wet earth and the sight of shining billboards when it’s with Callie. She likes her life with Callie in it. 

Sometime into the fourth month that Callie left, Arizona started to forget how much she’d loved her. Much like when she was still with Callie, she’d forgot how much they love each other.

She got a hold on the idea of Arizona Robbins again eventually. But by then, Callie wasn’t there to see it.

“Arizona?”

Arizona snaps back to reality.

This is the first reality she’s had in a while that she wanted every moment of.

“Hm? Something wrong?”

“No, no,” Callie shakes her hand as they stand on the edge of the road. She lowers her gaze almost shyly and says, “Is your leg okay? I was thinking we can get a cab to get to the park. We can just tell the driver the way to the closest entrance, we know these places pretty well anyway.”

Arizona smiles as she sees Callie lifting her head and gaze at the buildings somewhere to the left of them. They’re close to the hospital, which means they’re close to their old apartment.

Arizona wants to say no to the cab, she wanted to say that she missed walking on summer evenings, that she can do it, that Callie should stop doubting her. But she catches herself and gathers a warm coil in her stomach at just how much Callie still cares. “Yeah, thank you, Calliope. I’d like that.”

“Yeah, no problem.”

//

They leave the music and the people, young and alive, behind as they climb into the back of the cab with a double-bubble gum stuck on the floor in front of the front seat. The cab is dark, but the air is crisp from where the driver lowered the front windows, letting the wind whip into their faces as she starts the car. The night has its own air, its own crisp, clean, and lonely air.

“This makes me think of that movie we watched a few years back.”

Arizona blinks at Callie in the dark, only quick flashes of light from street lamps showing her dreamy face turned towards the window every few seconds. “Which one? We watched a lot of movies together, Calliope.”

“The one where I had read the book and you’d just invited me to watch American Bake-Off with you, and we decided to watch something else when it finished,” Callie says, chuckling at herself.

They enter a really short tunnel that they used to love driving through for nothing, just for the sake of driving in it. The radio is loud, and the lights overhead are bright. Callie turns around in her seat to look at Arizona’s face being illuminated by the light that sneaks through the windows just as the radio crackles and silences as the waves can’t reach anymore.

This is every bit as glorious as it is in the books and the movies. Maybe just a little more glorious for Callie, because everyone else didn’t have Arizona next to them.

“Ohh, The Perks of Being a Wallflower.”

“Mhmm,” Callie nods happily at Arizona. “I feel like that right now.”

Arizona laughs and pulls Callie closer, sliding an arm over her shoulder. “You feeling infinite, Calliope?”

Callie laughs quietly too.

All she needs is the perfect person on the perfect drive to feel infinite. They were caught between trying to live their life and trying to run from their life at the time they’d watched the movie. Now, all it ends up being is a memory of a really good movie as they drive to a really good spot for a really good date. Everything is as good as it could be. Callie shrugs and says, “Yeah, I’m feeling pretty damn infinite.”

Things change. Friends leave. And life doesn’t stop for anybody, just like Charlie wrote in his letters. But Arizona is here with her now, and Callie wishes life could just stop for a little bit and let her keep this moment forever.

Getting of the cab, every step into the park is a step closer to their history.

Nothing will feel quite the same way as this moment, and Callie guesses she’s okay with that. Because she has this moment wrapping itself around her, just like Arizona’s arm wraps around her waist.

Callie steps onto the pebbly path that leads to their secluded bench, and she wishes she can find words to describe this place.

The small saplings that lined it are now at least twice her size and towering with very green leaves that smell of rain too. The dent in a bush where Mark had crashed into because he was walking backwards is gone, just like the bush, and is replaced instead by another small sapling. They walk further into the park, and the place where they’d make a pile of leaves is now a sign saying ‘Save The Planet, Use the Trash Cans’. Callie swallows and prepares for more changes to stab her, because she’ll take it.

She still loves this place.

Arizona’s arm tightens around her as the crisp wind visits them again. July evenings are great, smack in the middle of summer, and as lonely and beautiful as they come.

As soon as Callie sees their bench, coming out of the small cluster of trees, her face splits into a ridiculously wide grin. This much of the park hasn’t changed, and the bench is still facing the hill that looks over Seattle’s skyline. 

“Come on, let’s go before someone gets there before us.”

Arizona rolls her eyes, trying to keep up with Callie’s pace. “Are you suddenly not afraid of the dark anymore?”

“Hey, first of all, I was never scared of the dark—”

“Yeah right.”

“—And second, you’re here with me. That makes it a bit better.”

Arizona pulls her down to sit down and throws an arm over the back on the bench. “Oh really? Because I recall you saying I can’t do anything with my girly hands.”

“Uhh…It’s better because we might die together?”

“Now that’s just morbid.”

Callie laughs, scooting over, and rests her head on Arizona’s shoulder again. “Well…it’s morbid, but dying would be better with you by my side. Or something like that but more romantic and less night-of-the-walking-dead style.”

“Mhmm. Thank you, I guess?”

“You’re welcome.”

Arizona shakes her head, chuckling, and lets her head find its place over Callie’s. Callie blows out a slow breath and stares at the buildings below them.

They’re each alone in their experience of this world, but sharing even any small part of her life with Arizona, it’s already a miracle. A miracle that they even managed to meet.

Those familiar apartments down to the right of the high up buildings still have some of the lights on. Callie wonders who lives there now, who paints the walls Arizona once painted beige, who changes the bed where they had sex for the first time. She tries to count the windows that are so far away, trying to recognize their old apartment, but she gives up eventually and listens instead to Arizona breathing.

A light flickers on in the apartment building and burns a hole into the night. She reaches over to hold Arizona’s hand that’s not around her shoulders. Turns out that all the good Callie could want right now, she already has in her palm.

“You know, I kept thinking of this as a do-over when we first started, but I think I should change my thinking.”

“Mhmm?”

Callie sighs, playing absentmindedly with Arizona’s fingers. “After we ran into…that woman, I still don’t regret us happening. I shouldn’t think of this as a do-over, nothing can be done over, and I don’t _want_ to do over our time before this. If we keep trying to redo our history, we won’t be moving forward.”

“Right,” Arizona replies.

“Maybe a sequel. You know, volume two.”

“Mm. Maybe an epilogue. Like, a really long one.”

“Really? Why?”

Arizona chuckles against her hair. “Because if it’s a sequel, things will happen, and whoever or whatever writes our story will need to make it interesting. We sure as hell don’t need any more dramatic tragedies happening. An epilogue is just a happy ending with a ‘happily ever after’.”

“Ehh, that’s not what happened in Divergent.”

“Geez, Calliope, how many YA books do you read?”

Callie flushes, and thanks the sky above that Arizona can’t see with the dim lighting. “I had a lot of free time in New York. And I read other books too.”

“Okay, whatever, movies are better. Our story _will_ have a happy ending.”

“Okay.”

They stay quiet for a moment, existing together. Really paying attention to enjoying this, because it’s happening. Callie likes just sitting here with Arizona. It’s enough.

Callie is not that scared anymore. At least, a whole lot less afraid then when they just started this epilogue. She was scared that her expectations were going to be let down. She was scared that she’d fall for nothing. She was scared the person that was supposed to come love her till the end wasn’t going to be Arizona.

But it’s so much better when she’s sitting here with Arizona. They don’t know where they’re going exactly, but they’re here together. They don’t know where they might end up, but that’s never stopped them before.

Maybe Arizona is right, this should be an epilogue. A very long one. A happy one. One that’s much happier and much more peaceful than the up and downs of their story. But she’ll forgive the world for those up and downs because the world has Arizona in it.

The world wasn’t the kindest to them, yet they’ll move on still. Callie’s so proud.

“This is great and all, Arizona, but the movie version will never compare to the book version.”

She smiles as she hears Arizona sigh exasperatedly. She smiles bigger as she feels Arizona pressing a kiss on top of her head.

Yeah, she’ll forgive the world because the world has Arizona in it.

> _To die by your side, is such a heavenly way to die_
> 
> _And if a ten-ton truck, kills the both of us_
> 
> _To die by your side, well, the pleasure, the privilege is mine._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big love to subways and night markets. All credits to Harry Potter and The Perks of Being a Wallflower for the references. Hufflepuff and Slytherin ships are hella cute. This is also my official message to plead for feedback.  
> Please?  
> Take care, y’all :)


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know there are people who aren't really fans of Mark, so as a heads up, this chapter is (sort of, kind of, in some ways) a bit of family time. And Mark comes up a bit. The next chapter will make up for it though, if it must, since the M/R rating wants are high... :)  
> Also, disclaimer, I think I took inspiration form somewhere, but I can't really remember where, so if anything sounds familiar, then it's probably inspiration borrowed.

_**WHEN THE NIGHTS GET** _ **_LONG_ **

_**Jukebox the Ghost** _

> _And from what I’ve heard_
> 
> _There are miles between what we say and what we mean._

_-_

When Callie opened her eyes and saw her blank apartment ceiling the next morning, she could’ve sworn it was all a dream. But she tried to sit up and winced when the blankets rubbed against the scrapes on her knee. And then she could close her eyes and remember the exact wildly amused grin that Arizona wore, and the exact echoes of her laughing at Callie’s complete and utterly embarrassing fall.

  


Now, sitting on the bus a week later, she watches the people on this ride with her. There’s a teenager on the seat in front of her, nodding his head to his earphones. His backpack is resting on his knees, and his phone in his right hand. A young thirty-something lady fiddles with a ring on her left hand as her right one grips the railings above their heads. She looks around Callie’s age when she’d just married Arizona.

Callie tears her gaze away from the window when her phone buzzes in her hand. Swiping it open, she smiles when she sees Arizona’s name appear.

_Hey. I got paged to the hospital at five this morning. You wanna have a coffee before rounds?_

Quickly typing out a reply, she stuffs her phone back into her pocket as the bus grinds to her stop.

_Of course. I’m on the bus and there’s about five seconds left before my stop. I’ll see you._

  


The bus was quietly crowded, but the hospital is loudly spread out. Callie strolls into the front doors, and interns are running on the glass pathway overhead. Janitors are hurrying past the elevators and nurses are fumbling with blood bags. Surgeons are looking down at their pagers and parents are pacing the floor. For a weird second, Callie feels almost hollow.

The weird kind of hollow that thinks it can be called lonely, but can’t because Callie’s not that lonely at all. It’s an uncomfortable feeling. Like she’s standing on a bridge and watching the lives of people pass by. Like she doesn’t belong and won’t ever belong and it feels like the complete opposite of what she felt in the tunnel with Arizona’s arm around her shoulders.

“Morning, Calliope.”

Callie turns her head to see Arizona smiling at her and holding two coffees. The hollowness disappears as soon as it appeared and she smiles back at Arizona. “Morning, stranger.”

//

Arizona texted Callie ten minutes ago, and Arizona had ten minutes of unnecessary excitement. She can’t remember the last time she’s been excited for someone.

She looks forward to coffee and Callie.

Coffee and Callie.

But mostly Callie.

Callie takes the coffee Arizona hands to her and sighs as she takes a sip. “Mm. So good.”

“So we’re still on Sofia mini-party this afternoon?”

“Yeah, of course. Mer’s picking her up at three from the daycare with Zola and they’re coming over to yours, right?”

Arizona sticks her free hand in her lab coat pocket and steals a glance at Callie beside her. This feels like years ago, when they were different people. Different people in a different relationship, but just as excited at the growing potential of ‘them’. The morning light falls on Callie’s face in the same reckless way Callie fell to the curb on their first date, and Arizona smiles again. “So, the guests don’t arrive until three thirty.”

Callie raises an eyebrow. “Yeah?”

“We could have lunch. I get off early.”

“Me too,” Callie says, throwing her drained cup to a trash can, “Call it a date?”

“You read my mind.”

Callie grins and pushes up her sleeves. “Alright. Thanks for the coffee, I gotta go and make sure Wilson doesn’t kill anyone. But first,” Callie glances around and backs into a small corner, pulling Arizona with her.

“Hm?”

Leaning forward between a shelf of towels, Callie pulls on the lapels of Arizona’s lab coat and kisses her lightly on the lips. “Okay. Now I’m going.”

Raising an eyebrow, Arizona pulls Callie in again, pressing into her again, because that one light kiss isn’t nearly enough. Maybe Arizona still can’t think about the stubborn bit of love she never lost for Callie in the daylight, but Arizona _can_ pull Callie back in for a longer kiss in this hallway, as long as the walls won’t talk. Callie’s eyes flutter and her eyelashes are brushing against Arizona’s cheek.

She’s missed the days where she gets to kiss Callie in the hospital’s hallways whenever she fancies. And this kiss in the hallway is every bit as plainly fantastic as she imagined it would be during all the sleepless nights. The world expects nothing of her from one to five in the morning, and she used a lot of that time, when sleep was hard to find, to stare at the ceiling and think about kissing Callie.

Moving on, for her, was being able to sleep with girls without wanting to jump out of bed and scrub her hands until they bleed this layer of skin away. It was being able to flirt without sending down a shiver down her own spine. It was being able to grit her teeth and look away when she saw Callie with Penny. And then moving on and improving took its real big step when she gave Callie plane tickets and put Callie above herself.

She pulls away when she hears a distant clicking of heels somewhere down the hall.

Still holding Callie’s face in her hands for a second, Arizona laughs. As she walks away, she throws over her shoulder, “Okay. Have a nice day, Doctor Torres.”

Looking over her shoulder again, she sees Callie wave and call out, “You too, Doctor Robbins!”

//

Callie hums quietly to herself as she finishes signing the last piece of legal-looking document that is boring her straight out of her mind. Glancing at the clock on the wall of her office, she still has a few minutes before the end of her shift. Nothing much is happening, so these few minutes will probably be spent daydreaming about Arizona. The habit that she unknowingly picked up again.

Her own private little apocalypse, destroying her time, in a way that Callie likes.

Their first date is easy to remember but hard to describe. It makes Callie feel all warm inside. After the park bench, they parted ways with a tentative kiss and Callie spent an hour in bed rolled up in her blankets like a burrito and grinning at the sheets.

So on the weekend, Callie asked Arizona on another date. She knows they’ll have to learn to fall in love again, and she doesn’t doubt that those three words would be harder to say this time. It seems that they either become too easy to say or too hard. Callie supposes she’s lucky that they’re hard to say for her, instead of being able to spit them out at whoever she slept with last.

Callie tried to go for classically romantic for that second date a week ago, and she thinks she did a pretty decent job at it. They dined at a nice restaurant in the middle of the city and took a walk around the sidewalks at night, because sidewalks and cars and the city, they’re all very nice at night, and they’re all things Callie missed about Seattle. It was a perfectly sweet night. Even the air tasted sweet. When Callie called them a cab, Arizona leaned over and kissed her with more certainty then she’s had since their run-in with Lauren. Both their lipsticks smudged, and Arizona had laughed, and leaned back to kiss Callie on the cheek, leaving a red smear.

Callie raises her hand to rub her left cheek. She remembers wishing lipstick didn’t wash off with makeup remover, because she would be okay with having Arizona’s lipstick smear on her cheek for a long, long time.

A knock on the door ends her private apocalypse.

“Come in.”

An intern that Callie thinks is called Tyler, or Kyle, or some other name that reminds her of the guy that used to sit behind her in English literature and snicker at his own dumb jokes comes in and hands her a couple of scans of her newest patient.

“Thanks,” Callie says, looking over the scans and nodding to the intern. “Can you close the door on your way out, please?”

“Of course, Doctor Torres.”

  


A few minutes later, Callie is walking across the parking lot and squinting against the sun bouncing off all the shiny painted cars. There isn’t a cloud in the sky, and she scowls. She never liked clear and overly sunny afternoons. And this afternoon feels too peculiar for her liking.

But she guesses she likes this overly sunny and clear afternoon a bit better than usual because she’s going to get to see Arizona in a bit.

This is Sofia’s first birthday since she started remember things that both her moms are in the same place, probably. Even though Callie and Arizona aren’t people who throw birthday parties for kids, they’re having a small…get-together for Sofia. And Sofia was thrilled when they told her last week. So now, Callie’s heading over to Arizona’s bungalow to have a very late lunch or a really early dinner, and throwing some things together for Sofia. Also known as their third date. Which is funny, because Callie tells Bailey the third date’s the sex date, but when she first got with Arizona, they didn’t have sex until the fifth date, but that might’ve been because Arizona wanted Callie to mean more than a fling, and Callie wanting Arizona to not think she’s some desperate lady who falls for everyone she sees.

Stepping on a bus again, Callie hums the same song that’s been stuck in her head since it came on the radio on the way to their second date. Watching the city pass by her outside the window, Callie isn’t sure there is anything better than a bus ride to Arizona’s house with her earphones in. She’s not sure much can be better than the anticipation to see Arizona on a summer afternoon.

She really does have a thing for public transportation.

The bus gets to the stop near Arizona’s way too soon, and she steps off the bus to be hit by the warm, stuffy summer air all over again. She’s got a car in the garage of the apartment, but today just felt like a public transportation kind of day, since there weren’t any emergencies at the hospital. And Callie was glad she did, or else she would’ve let the five minutes in the bus pass her by without ever feeling it.

  


Walking up to the dark green front door, Callie pauses for a moment, her hand hanging in mid-air, before knocking.

Every ‘date’ label they stick on time spent together reduces Callie into a nervous wreck. She was so used to waking up with Arizona curled around her, to making dinner together, to taking care of a daughter together. And then, she got so used to not thinking about Arizona, to moving on with new people, to only think of her dead life when it’s raining really hard outside. So now, dating and falling for this new kind of Arizona is weird. A good weird, but weird nonetheless.

Because this isn’t any kind of dating. Callie is so sure she can fall for Arizona so easily, just as she had done all those years ago. This is the…endgame sort of dating. And she sees herself falling for Arizona so soon, so hard, so inevitably, and it terrifies her in the best good-weird-way possible.

She rings the doorbell, and a shadow appears behind the frosted glass right away, the door swinging open.

“Calliope.”

Callie grins right back towards Arizona. She can’t remember what was going through her head just moments ago.

//

Frankly, Arizona hasn’t felt like a good person in a long time. After Callie, and after sleeping with Eliza-freaking-Minnick, she wanted to punch herself in the face. She didn’t feel like she was horrible, but she didn’t feel like she was doing a good job either. But then, Callie’s swaying head, drunk and oblivious, popped up at Joe’s all over again. And now, standing in her doorway and grinning at Callie grinning back, Arizona knows that at least she’s trying like hell to become better.

And that already, wanting to be better, maybe is the hardest part.

“Come in, come in,” she says, stepping back and waving for Callie to come in, “I pretty much already cleaned up around the house and did the tables and bought the cake. All that’s missing is the people.”

Callie steps into the threshold and laughs, “Well, luckily, I’m a person.”

“Oh yeah, lucky me.”

  


Callie’s been to Arizona’s a couple times before, but always as the ex-wife and the mother. This is her first time being there as the…she’ll have to think about labelling them later. Almost scarily easily, she finds the kitchen and starts fumbling through the fridge while Arizona plops down on the couch, scrounging through a box of things she supposedly found in the wardrobe. She keeps reminding herself that people who’ve been on three dates shouldn’t be acting this familiar with each other. She pauses for a second, listening to Arizona’s shuffling in the living room, and the hum of the fridge.

It’s quiet, and it feels strangely familiar. And then Callie smiles, because it’s a really nice kind of quiet.

“Callie!”

Callie refrains herself from jumping when Arizona’s voice pierces through her quiet. She wipes her hands on her pants and calls back, “Hey, what’s up?”

“Come here!”

“Okay.” Callie shakes her head to snap herself out of her skittishness and quiet. But likes the fact that it was Arizona who had pierced her quietness.

Walking into the living room, Arizona waves her arms for Callie to join her on the couch. “Look what I found.”

Callie pads over the carpet and sits down, scooting closer so that Arizona’s free arm loops around her shoulders. “Oh! It’s the video camera.”

“Yeah.”

Callie prods the slightly bulky camera in Arizona’s hands. She forgot it existed for awhile. It seemed only like yesterday that their fancy phones now completely took over taking videos for these cameras. “Open it.”

Arizona flips open the cover, and they sit in silence as the camera starts. The small screen lighting up and the lenses whirring. As Arizona begins to scroll through the library, Callie laughs and points out the pictures they took.

One at the park, with Callie grinning at the camera, and Arizona grinning at Callie. That was the first picture they took as a couple. Callie remembers looking at that picture the night they took it and thinking how damn good they looked together.

A few pictures of the meadows they passed by on a weekend away. A couple of blurry pictures they took at a party Cristina threw in Callie’s apartment under the excuse of ‘Mercy Westers suck, we need cheering up’. One of them isn’t blurry though, and Callie forgot they even took it. It was one where Arizona and her were squeezed together on a loveseat, and it looked like someone took the picture the second right before they were about to kiss.

“I like this one. We should print it out some time.”

Arizona passes a thumb over the screen, where Callie’s face is. “Yeah, we should. We look so happy.”

“We looked drunk.”

Arizona rolls her eyes and giggles. “Same thing.” Pausing for a moment, she lowers herself onto the carpet, leaning against the couch and pats the space in front of her. “Come here.”

Settling with her back against Arizona’s front, Callie sighs happily as Arizona wraps her arms around her again to fiddle with the camera, her chin resting on Callie’s shoulder. The next picture was a tiny Sofia in an incubator in the NICU. They scroll through a whole series of at least a good fifty pictures taken at their wedding. A lot of them on the dance floor, with a lot of people they don’t really talk to anymore dancing in the back. There was Lexie and Jackson dancing next to Bailey and Ben. A picture of their big white frosted cake (there were leftovers from that cake for days afterwards, and everyone took a little bit home) and a picture of Alex scowling at a toddler spilling juice all over his pants.

Arizona clicks the forward button one more time and they come across the first video. After exchanging a heavy look, she clicks again and the video starts moving. It’s essentially a video of what sounds like Richard going around and talking with all of the guests at their wedding. Arizona giggles against her ear as she sees Alex in the back, trying to wipe his pants with a paper towel, and Callie smiles at Alex’s signature scowl that he masters so well too. It’s seemingly disappeared these recent years.

Callie sucks in a breath when she sees Mark.

He looks so young in the video. So cocky. So healthy. She’d almost forgotten the way Mark curls his lips smugly when he’s happy. His voice is still gravelly and deep and faintly annoying.

But he’s stuck in time, stuck in a camera, stuck to be only able to say that much ever again.

_“I had a patient once who told me about his wedding day and how they asked all the married couples to come and dance on the dance floor together. And then they asked the couples who’ve been only married a year to sit down. And then five years. Ten years…twenty…and so on.”_

Callie reaches out a hand and touches the pixilated screen and Mark’s pixilated face. Arizona silently lowers her hands and lets Callie hold the camera, wrapping her arms instead around Callie’s middle and tugging her in closer and planting a light kiss under her ear. Callie can tell Arizona is still cautious about touching her, and it makes Callie feel like a precious porcelain doll. It’s nice, letting someone making her feel so special.

But she can’t be more grateful that Arizona seemed to get over that a little on their second date, because if Arizona’s arms weren’t around her right now, she’s sure that the both of them would start crying. And god knows they’ve cried enough.

The last time they’d watched this video was on their wedding night. Naked, at three in the morning, on some sheets on the floor.

_Mark smiles, “Until, they got to the last two couples; two sets of grandparents. Then he goes, ‘sixty years’. Sixty years with the love of their life. That’s gonna be you two. At our granddaughter’s wedding.”_

Callie hears Arizona sniffle quietly behind her too, and she chews her cheek. They’d barely made it past two years into their marriage. She doesn’t regret walking out of therapy or moving to New York, not one bit, it’s what they both needed. Still, she feels like crying.

_Mark raises a glass of champagne with all his smugness and sureness. “Callie. Arizona. Congratulations, I love you.” The man behind the camera clears his throat and asks, “What about you? Won’t you be dancing at your granddaughter’s wedding?” Mark swallows his champagne and smacks his lips quietly. “Gotta have a partner for that.”_

_“Well, if you had a partner, who would it be?”_

_Mark looks at something behind the camera for a moment, like he’s not there anymore. For two seconds, he’s somewhere else, with someone else. Then he replies, “Oh, that’s easy. Lexie Grey.”_

  


For half a minute, neither of them says anything. Callie finally cracks a smile and mumbles, “Well, at least Mark’s happily with Lexie now.” She no longer wants to rip her heart out when she thinks about Mark. She gets that pang in her chest, but she manages to smile.

Arizona rests her chin on her shoulder again. “Yeah. They probably have three kids running around with names like Mark Jr.”

“Lexie would have to deal with four pairs of giant egos, bless her.”

Arizona chuckles.

Callie swivels around just a little and meets Arizona’s eyes. “I loved Mark, Arizona, but never as more as a friend. I’m still so sorry that our friendship ever bothered you.”

“I know. We talked about this that night I went out for sushi with Mark, and we talked about it again on our way to your ted talk. We could’ve done better then, I admit, but we’re doing so much better now, so this is all that should matter, right?”

“Right. Thank you.”

“And I’m sorry I didn’t give you the time to grieve for him.” Arizona inhales, “I regret saying you didn’t lose anything everyday, Callie. You lost so much. So much.”

“I know. I did. But that’s not our ‘now’, okay?”

“Okay. I miss Mark. I miss him every time we have to call a babysitter and I miss him every time I start panicking about what to tell Sofia when she asks about us.”

“Yeah.” Callie sighs. “I miss him too.”

“You remember that video we took when Sofia finally came home from the hospital?”

“The welcome home one where you didn’t know how to take a picture?” Callie laughs, “Of course.”

“In my defense, it was a new camera.”

“Mhmm.”

Arizona pinches Callie on the side, earning a little yelp. “Look for it. It’s in there somewhere. We said that we would show it to Sofia all together when she graduates high school at the time. Sofia’s going to grade one in a next week. Our little girl is starting elementary school.”

Callie smiles again as she remembers the night they recorded the video together. She lowers her eyes to continue scrolling through the albums, stopping here and there to point out a particular photo. The camera is like a mirror into their old life. Except that it isn’t really a mirror if she can see through it, more like a really solid piece of glass that she can see, but can’t reach through.

“Oh, here it is.”

“Put it on.”

Callie presses the ‘go’ and holds it up so that they can both see. She’s suddenly very grateful for Arizona’s arms holding her down to the world, because she’s fairly sure that if Arizona isn’t here to hold her right now, she might just break loose and fly into the past. Or something like that.

The screen flickers and a smiling Mark and Callie appear, with Mark standing in front of the ‘Welcome Home’ banner, arm thrown over Callie’s shoulder. Callie raises her gaze from the tiny Sofia in her arms and smiles at the camera too.

“ _Everybody…cheeeeese!_ ”

“ _Cheeeese._ ”

Callie chuckles at Arizona’s loud ‘cheese’, and at her’s and Mark’s frozen faces, held in awkwardly wide grins.

_Callie blinks and grounds out through the cracks of her teeth, “What is happening?”_

_“Oh, come on, I think it’s on video.”_

_Mark tilts his head in Callie’s direction just the slightest and mumbles, “Should I go over there?”_

_“No, no, just give her a second—”_

_“Ah, but I pressed the button…? But it’s not doing anything. Uh…”_

Exasperated, Arizona sighs. “Okay, maybe I wasn’t the best at handling this thing in the beginning.”

Callie laughs, “You think?”

“Oh, shut up.”

_Mark sighs and lowers his arm from around Callie’s shoulder and starts walking towards the camera. “I’m taking over.”_

_“No. No, no, no, no.” Arizona’s voice is as always, shooting out at lightening speed. “I don’t need your help. I don’t need—”_

_“We have a kid together, Robbins.” The camera wobbles away from Callie shaking her head with amusement and shows the floor swaying unsteadily for a few seconds. “You’re stuck with me and my help.”_

_Callie giggles in the background and Arizona sighs gruffly. The camera raises upwards again to Arizona walking towards Callie, flipping her hair over her shoulder. For a fraction of a second, she’s grinning full-out at Callie’s laughing face, and then she turns to the camera, her arms around her wife and her daughter._

Callie pauses the video. “We looked awesome.”

“We did.” Arizona nudges Callie’s cheek with her chin. “We still look awesome. We can take another picture on Sof’s first day of school.”

“Yeah.”

Callie presses the button again and the video goes back to life.

_Arizona’s hair twinkles under the light of their living room. The camera wobbles again and turns around to show Mark’s brows furrowing in confusion. And then, a second after, he splits into his wide grin. “Oh!”_

Arizona giggles at Mark’s obvious pleasure at seeing himself still, after all these years.

_“I got it!”_

_Callie laughs somewhere behind, and he stays grinning at the camera for a good ten seconds before Arizona’s voice cuts through. “Mark, are you just looking at yourself in the camera?”_

_“Uh, maybe?”_

_“Mark! Turn the camera around!”_

_Mark rolls his eyes and spins around, raising the camera above his head. Craning his head, he grins wider as he sees his face, along with Callie’s and Arizona’s in the screen. “There you go! All of us are in here now.”_

_“Is it still on video?”_

_“I think so.”_

_“So…do we just stand like idiots and stare at the camera?”_

_Arizona shrugs, “Uh, we should say something?”_

_“Okay…um…hi?”_

_“Oh, Mark, you can do better than that.”_

_He laughs and lowers the camera, turning it around again, showing Callie and Arizona now both fussing over Sofia, who seems to have woken up from her nap._

_Arizona wiggles a finger in front of Sofia’s chubby little face, and Sofia gurgles happily._

_“Hey, baby,” Callie coos, “You’re home now. Oh yes, you are.” Followed by a series of baby noises that can’t be deciphered. “I’m your mama. This is your mommy. We love you so much, Sofia.”_

_“Her dad is here too, holding the camera!”_

_“Yes, right, your dad is here too, but he’s too invested in his good looks to turn the camera around.”_

_“Hey! The camera’s turned!”_

_Callie glances up from Sofia and grins at the camera, waving a hand for Mark to come closer._

  


Callie pauses the video again and puts the camera down. “There’s still a couple dozen minutes on the video; you want me to get us something to eat while watching it?”

Arizona rubs her hands gently over Callie’s ribs before retracting them. Callie smiles, remembering the soft spot on the side of ribs, just above her elbow that Arizona always liked to tease her with. It’s not like Callie could help it, that one spot is like a glitch in her body that forces moans out of her.

“Yeah, that’d be great.”

“Okay,” Callie says as she stands up, “I’m going to order a pizza.”

The pizza arrives fifteen minutes later, and after each finishing a slice, they settle down against the couch again. The leftover pizza lays half-forgotten on the floor on the other side of the couch, and Arizona slurps on a straw. Callie groans. “Stop doing that in my ear.”

Arizona titters, “Fine, princess.”

“Isn’t that what Alex used to call Wilson?”

“Yup.”

“Oh god, don’t call me that. I feel like Alex is indirectly calling me while you’re sitting behind me.”

Arizona shivers as the image. “Yup, you’re right. Alex has already saw more of you than I’d ever like.”

“You’re just jealous.”

“Shut up. Put on the video.”

Callie smiles smugly and retrieves the video camera, settling herself again to Arizona’s front.

_“Aww, look at her, she looks so peacefully adorable.”_

_Mark scoffs, “Of course. Sofia is perfect.”_

_Arizona looks up and smiles brightly at Mark. “Yup.”_

_“So do we say something to her?”_

_“I guess so. Uh, Calliope, go first.”_

_Callie’s eyes widen, “Me? Why?”_

_“Oh relax, this isn’t public speaking. This is talking to your daughter in a video that we’ll probably show her when she turns eighteen and graduates high school.”_

_Arizona claps Mark on the shoulder. “Hey, that’s the first good idea you’ve had in a while.”_

_“Not when I’m supposed to talk,” Callie grumbles, “What am I supposed to say? Hey, Sof, being grown up kinda sucks a lot most of the time, so you’d better like aspirin and ibuprofen?”_

_“Hey, don’t stress her out, Calliope.”_

Callie laughs and nudges Arizona with her elbow. “I still stand by that. Sof’s better got a good stock of ibuprofen when she grows up.”

“I really hope she doesn’t inherit your awful hangovers when she gets to a drinking age, god.”

“She’s not going to drink until she’s thirty-six, Arizona.”

Arizona pats Callie soothingly, “Sure, whatever you say, Calliope.”

_“Okay um…” Mark raises the camera to show Callie chewing the inside of her cheeks again, gazing down at Sofia, who’s gazing back up at her. “Um, when you’re gonna be thirteen and screaming at us for parenting you wrong, remember that we always just want the best for you.”_

_“She’ll only see this at eighteen, Callie.”_

_“Ohh, right. Uh. Oops.”_

_“Your mama is probably going to go nuts a lot,” Arizona says, “When you get to the age of walking home alone from school and when she texts you to ask about your day and you don’t text back.”_

_Callie glares at Arizona, “Mean.” Clearing her throat, Callie juts her chin out to Arizona, “And your mommy here will probably go all marine-like on whoever takes you to prom. I’m betting on my aspirins that she’ll most probably even have a gun somewhere on her desk when she talks to the boy or girl or person that’s taking you out.”_

_“I’m not even going to say anything because that’s true, Calliope.”_

_“Blondie!” Mark interrupts, “Isn’t that my job?”_

_“If she really wants to, Arizona does ‘intimidating’ way better than you, Mark.”_

_“Fine. We can scare the crap out of Sofia’s dates and Callie can be the good cop.”_

_Arizona laughs, “Funny, because I already know that Callie’s going to be the bad cop in everything except for that. We’re both going to be unable to say know to that little face.” She leans over Sofia’s bundled up head, “Right, little miss? You just look like your mama so much.”_

Callie turns around and rolls her eyes at Arizona’s smug face. “Okay, yeah, you were right. I’m the bad cop for everything Sofia’s done up to now.”

“But you just wait until she brings someone home.”

Callie rolls her eyes again and grabs Arizona’s cup, slurping loudly through the straw before turning back to the video.

_“You’ll grow up and you’ll go to college and you’ll have to find a job one day, Sof.” Arizona wiggles her fingers in front of Sofia’s chubby little face. “Even if your dad and both your mommies are surgeons, you can be anything you want. Go be a trapeze artist, a fashion designer, but you’ll always have the three of us at home.”_

_“Yeah, your moms are stuck with me indefinitely—”_

_“A shame, really,” Callie snickers._

_Mark slaps Callie gently on the shoulder, earning a glare from Arizona, “—so the three of us will be together for a long, long, time. And we’ll always have a home for you if you get tired.”_

_“And you will get tired, Sof, and that’s okay,” Callie says, swaying gently, and earns another happy gurgle from Sofia. “The world won’t always be what you thought it would be. Laugh when you can, cry if you want, bad decisions are inevitable. Just think twice before doing anything, and don’t get married in Vegas.”_

_“And don’t think with your vagina. Don’t let your heart live in your vagina.”_

_“Mark!”_

_“Arizona, can you smack him for me?”_

_“Gladly.”_

_The camera wobbles as Mark yelps. “What? It’s good advice from someone like me!”_

“I wish I hadn’t smacked him now,” Arizona says from behind Callie, “He was right. Sofia better not ever have her heart living in her vagina.”

Callie chuckles and leans back into Arizona. She wishes they were all three here to watch this old video and laugh at their old selves and imagine what it would be like when they’re showing this to Sofia twelve years later, when she’s eighteen.

She wishes Mark would be here to smugly say ‘I told you so’ and Arizona to be able to smack him again. She wishes life could stop for people to catch up to it sometimes.

_“You don’t need to achieve anything great, Sof,” Arizona says, “As long as you’re happy, then it’s enough.” Mark raises the camera a little to see Callie looking lovingly at Arizona. Arizona turns away from Sofia and smiles at her wife, an arm slung around Callie’s shoulders._

_Mark’s voice gruffly adds from the back, “And one day, you’ll meet someone, even if you don’t think with your vagina. That someone should make you happy. But you still need to put yourself first. If not, I’ll go and smash in their pretty face.”_

_“And you guys will learn to be great together. Find someone who makes you see the good in the world. Even when everything isn’t very good, find someone who you believe things will eventually be good with again,” Arizona adds, squeezing Callie’s shoulder._

_“Yeah, and we hope you’ll be great at living out your life the way you want to. Even if there’s gonna be a lot to live through.”_

_“See, your two moms are much better at saying these things then I am.”_

_“Why, thank you, Mark.”_

_He laughs. “You have a family, Sof, don’t ever forget that. That’s a lot better than what a lot of people can say. And if you can help it, don’t move too far away. I still want to do shots with you on your twenty-first.”_

_“And your family will always be here. When your tired, when you’re going through a break up, or when you just want to eat something your mama made. Even when you’re all grown up and insist to be considered badass, like your mama.” Arizona glances at Callie with a smirk. “Even if we all know how she’s really like.”_

_“I have a feeling that you’ll grow up knowing how to throw a punch right away.”_

_Callie laughs too. “Everyone pays a different price to grow up, baby, and everyone has their own set of emotions. Don’t freak out when something happens. Don’t just use your big heart, use your brain too.”_

_“But don’t overuse your brain and ignore your heart completely. Don’t leave the love of your life behind to go to another continent when you still love them.”_

_“Yes, that’s good advice too, listen to mommy.”_

_“And tell people you love them when you still can,” Mark says, “Just say it. And then go from there.” He angles the camera back down to Sofia, who’s playing with Arizona’s fingers. Or rather, Arizona wiggling her fingers and Sofia opening her mouth and blinking. Callie and Arizona’s foreheads are hovering above the little bundle of blankets._

“Mark could dish out decent advice when you least expect it, wow,” Arizona mutters.

“Yeah. He was a good man. I wish he could’ve been here to watch Sofia grow up. He would’ve been so proud when Sofia punched that boy for making fun of the girl with freckles.”

Arizona smiles against Callie neck and presses a light kiss on the warm skin. “I know. But I’m sure he’s still proud, wherever he is.”

_“_ _And I hope you find a job that gives you a decent vacation pay. Or an internship that gives you a decent salary. If you’re anything like me, then I hope you find someone like your mommy, who is absolutely amazing at filing taxes, or that you find a good accountant,” Callie coos._

_“I hope you can find someone who cooks just as well as your mama like I did, or that your mama will teach you all her secret recipes.”_

_“I hope your pimples never need popping and you never get dark circles under your eyes,” Mark says._

_Callie rolls her eyes and adds, “I hope you meet more good people than bad people. I hope you never lose as many bobby pins as I do.”_

_“And that you can always find your socks in the laundromat.”_

_“And that you can get chargers in the outlet on the first try.”_

_“And that you always find yourself close to public bathrooms when you want to pee in the mall.”_

_Callie laughs at Arizona and Mark’s back and forth. “We can’t take care of you forever, but these are our wishes for you, Sof.” As Sofia blinks slowly for the last time, Mark zooms the camera on her face, just about to slip into sleep. “Goodnight, mija. Sleep tight, sweet dreams.”_

_“Night, Sof.” “Nighty night.”_

  


Callie is not quite sure what to do once the camera stops. She wants to scream. She wants to cry. She wants to get mad or take a really long nap.

Callie closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. She closes her eyes because she wants to know nothing but Arizona’s arms for now. Mark is going to be alive forever in their video camera. But she hates the fact that it’s going to be only place she’ll get to see his cocky smile and hear his stupid inappropriate comments.

//

Arizona isn’t sure how much time passed before Callie shifted and helped her up, but she’s almost sure she could hear the clock ticking away the time on the wall. Even if it’s in a kind of sad silence, wasting away time with Callie is still one of the greatest joys she knows.

And she can’t see what anyone can see in anyone else but Callie. But she guesses she isn’t much one to talk when she couldn’t manage to keep Callie within her grasp long enough to save herself and spare nearly enough time to love her. But that’s okay now, because Callie’s here, and she’s here, and they’re here, in this universe, in this timeline, in this moment, together. They’re on the same side of the milky way.

And that’s enough for now.

Following Callie absentmindedly into the kitchen, Arizona smiles. Callie is strolling between the shelves, balancing the big pizza box in one hand and trying to reach the plates with the other, and Arizona gets to smile this time, because it’s so different than the last time she was watching Callie in a kitchen. This time, she gets to walk up behind her and wrap her arms her waist.

Callie stills and turns her head a little, nuzzling her nose against Arizona’s cheek.

“You okay?”

Callie smiles. “Yeah. I miss Mark and our old apartment, but I’m okay ‘cause you’re here.”

“Me too.”

And Arizona is certain that everyone she knows has some great sadness somewhere in them, that everyone has great tragedies they don’t talk about. And that everyone has that weight in their bones that creak, where the things they’ve done settle. No one’s sadness is special, but everyone’s sadness counts because it’s theirs. There’s no beautiful way to explain it, but there _are_ better things she _can’t_ explain, and that makes her start looking forward to every new morning.

She can’t explain how nice it feels to walk down hallways knowing she just might cross ways with Callie. She can’t explain how exciting it feels to look down at her phone and see Callie texting her. She can’t explain how good it feels to look up across a room and see Callie there.

“I think the people are going to arrive in ten.”

Arizona breathes in Callie and nods against her shoulder. “One more minute, and we’ll get moving.”

“Okay.”

//

The doorbell rings again as Callie is getting the cake out of the fridge and as Arizona hangs the last streamer.

“I’ll get it,” Arizona calls. Barely opening the door, Sofia bursts through, flinging herself onto Arizona’s legs, beaming up at her.

“Hey mom!”

And then she pulls on Zola’s hand and they disappear into the house, Arizona distinctly hearing Callie’s surprised voice saying something about ‘slowly’.

Opening the door, Arizona smiles too as she sees the two people on the other side. “Hey, Richard. Hey, Mer.”

“God, the kids are right at the age where they can climb everything,” Meredith grumbles, “I hope we won’t explode after a whole afternoon with them.”

“Come in, come in. We’re gonna be five adults if April pops by with Harriet later. We’ll manage.”

Arizona waves Meredith towards the kitchen, where Callie is. She’s still surprised at how Meredith managed to not murder her in her sleep when Callie left, but she guesses she’ll just be grateful that she’s twisty enough to understand the crap that goes down between couples and not judge. They even managed to get together and settle on playdates for Zola and Sofia a few times in the last years.

“Hey, Arizona,” Richard says, still in the doorway. “Can I talk to you for a second?”

Turning back to him Arizona nods and waves him in quickly, “Yeah, of course, I’ll just go and make sure the kids are good.”

Richard nods, and nods towards Callie and Meredith coming out of the kitchen. “Bring Torres too. You guys are…um,” he pauses, and Arizona misses him scratching his head and watching her watch Callie. “…On better terms, right?”

Grinning at Callie ruffling Sofia’s hair, Arizona nods too. “Yup.”

“Alright. Go on, then, just wave me over when you can.”

“Mhm.”

  


Padding into the living room, Arizona flops down on the couch next to Meredith, still watching Callie. It’s pretty great, watching Callie, Arizona is positive she could do it for a really long time and not get a bit tired. Like people watching, except she doesn’t need people, because this one person is enough.

She watches Callie while she giggles with the girls at their building blocks and their stories. Zola and Sofia were telling Callie a story about a boy who always starts fights with people in their daycare before Callie goes to the kitchen to get lemonade or coffee or something for everyone. The two girls think it’s really important. And Arizona smiles along with Callie and Meredith listening to it, because it’s really nice to listen to them talking so seriously about things like that and let it make Arizona feel like not all things are crappy all the time. And of course, there’s Callie, who just returned from the kitchen, handing everyone a cup of lemonade.

Even the way Callie balances three glasses of lemonade really knocks the fuck out of Arizona. She just wants to watch Callie do stuff. Not creepily. Just to be there while Callie’s doing her own stuff and get to see Callie in motion with everything.

When they finally settle down a bit, the doorbell rings again.

Callie bounces up this time, after just only sitting down on the couch, and gets the door, and after a few seconds, another two kids rush into the living room to be greeted by excited squeals from Zola and Sofia. This time, before Callie can come back to flop back on the couch, Arizona stops her.

“Hey.”

Callie flashes a big smile at Arizona. “Hey, what’s up?”

“Richard wanted to talk to the both of us,” Arizona says, nodding towards the man and leading them into the small study to the right of the living room. “Dunno why, but he said he wanted to ‘cause we were on better terms or something.”

“Oh. Okay. Did we do something to get in trouble?”

“Well at least I don’t cry every time he talks to me anymore.”

Callie giggles as they step into the room. “Oh please, that was cute.”

“It was embarrassing and nerve-wracking, Calliope.”

“But cute to me.”

Arizona shrugs, throwing a grin over her shoulder at Callie, just as Richard walks into the room. He smiles somewhat nervously at them before looking down at his shoes. 

He’s been watching the kids of all the surgeons for such awhile now that he’s probably considered more of an uncle-slash-grandparent for Sofia, Zola, Bailey, Ellis and Harriet. And everyone loves it, because Richard somehow showed to have a hidden talent with kids. Arizona hasn’t seen him this nervous since his first time watching two kids at the same time.

“Richard?”

He finally looks up. Clearing his throat, he opens and closes his mouth a few times before saying, “It’s about Mark.”

“ _Mark_?”

He nods to himself, and wipes his hands on his jacket. “Mark.”

Arizona blinks at him and glances at Callie, who’s just staring him. She wets her lips, tearing her gaze away from Callie. “Mark? Sloan?”

“Yes, um…” He pauses, gathering his thoughts and says, “When he woke up and Torres came running into the hospital, he thought it was the surge too. And after a bit, he started to get bad again, and he told Jackson to get Sofia from the daycare, but before Jackson could get to him, he coded and…and didn’t wake up again.”

Arizona swallows thickly. She wasn’t aware of any of that. She knew about unplugging Mark and Callie coming home, begging her to not let her lose one more person, but she didn’t know about the ‘surge’ or Sofia. Glancing at Callie again, she relaxes a little when she sees Callie nodding calmly.

Richard wipes his hands on his jacket again, and pulls a white envelope, lightly crumpled at the edges, out. “I stayed by Mark’s bedside a lot. I was the one who called the nurses as he coded and who asked him which papers he wanted to sign beforehand. When he uh, when he felt himself getting bad again, he told me he wanted to write a letter to his family now, which was you guys.”

He extends his hand holding the envelope towards them. Arizona steps forward when Callie doesn’t, and smoothed out the corners, brushing her fingertip over the flap.

“He started the letter, but I wrote most of it when he couldn’t hold a pen anymore. I think he spent about two days dictating that letter to me, bit by bit, when he could talk. He told me give it to you guys when you all got better, and I was sure he meant maybe after at the most, a year.” Richard shrugs and chuckles awkwardly, “I’m sorry, I guess, that I’m giving it to you so late. I didn’t see how late it was until I saw you three laughing in the other room and realising you all haven’t been looking so good since a long time. And…yeah.”

Callie lowers her head and looks at the envelope in Arizona’s hands, and Arizona looks back up from her hands at Callie.

Knowing Mark’s touched this once, it feels warm under her fingertips suddenly. Maybe warm like the way hellfire’s supposed to feel, even if she has positively no idea how hellfire’s supposed to feel like. Incidentally, she also has no idea what to do with this letter.

Richard nods, and graces them both with an understandingly sad smile and leaves the room, leaving privacy to deal with the two standing together. Arizona rubs a corner of the paper with her thumb and looks at Callie and is even more unsure what to say or do. Callie, who looks down at the letter with an expression that would be adorably confused in any other situation. Callie, who after everything, is still gently passing a fingertip over the edge of the letter that Arizona’s just touched, and who still reeks of welcoming tenderness even to this piece of paper of her deceased best friend.

Arizona marvels in a lot of things Callie related, and her gentleness was always one of them. Callie breaks bones and puts them back together and glares at interns, but her gentleness leaks through the spaces between her fingers and spreads through the air the way fog does. Arizona reads the brothers Grimm to children and saves babies and cries at authority figures, but is all sharp reflexes and strong angles, like the noises she gets out of the harmonica Callie used to carry in a pocket.

She likes to think those are just more things that make them fit.

Now, they’re both stuck in this space between where they came from and where Mark’s gone, and looking at a piece of old paper.

  


“Well, that was the first time I saw Richard so nervous after the time I yelled I was a superstar with a scalpel on the catwalk.”

“I’m still forever disappointed I didn’t get to see that.”

Callie rolls her eyes, chuckling, and raises her head from the paper to Arizona. “Can we wait until Sofia’s birthday thing is over to read this? If you want?”

Arizona cocks her head. “You’re okay?”

“I am. I really am,” Callie says, “I know that I’ll probably cry at anything Mark’s written on that, but I’m alright.”

“Mark has really learnt how to steal the spotlight even when he isn’t here, huh?”

Callie laughs, “It’s his superpower.”

“Damn it, Mark,” Arizona says, raising her eyes to the ceiling. It’s weird how Callie isn’t the one feeling like she’s falling apart this time. Arizona guesses it’s because she never took the time to properly miss him. “Guess we’ll just find new ways to fall apart.”

“We were always awfully good at that,” Callie replies. She leans forward and presses a soft kiss on the corner of Arizona’s mouth and steps back towards the doors. “Come on, Meredith is going to go nuts being left alone with the four kids.”

“Yeah, of course.”

She can tell that Callie can tell she needs a second, as Callie smiles at her once more before walking into the hallway. Raising her eyes to the ceiling again, she scoffs and flicks her eyebrows disbelievingly. “Damn it, Mark,” she repeats quietly, “I miss you.”

  


Arizona took a few seconds to herself, but she rejoined the party almost as quick as they had left. She saw Callie throwing her a small, caring smile, and she returned it almost effortlessly. She can always smile almost effortlessly when Callie’s around.

Now, she’s sitting on a high stool with Callie beside her, and Meredith and April across. Harriet is sitting in her stroller and happily trying to grasp the edge of her blanket with her clumsy little fingers. The conversation is taking unexpected turns from their kids, to the tumour Meredith 3D printed a few years ago, to the pros and cons of pop tarts, to whether they should start using ‘cloaca’ as an insult. Callie thinks it’s kinda cool, not gonna lie. Meredith thinks it’s not vulgar enough. April thinks it’s way too weird, and Arizona is sipping her water and smiling at Callie bobbing her head with a great joyful grin and waving her hands as she starts talking about a movie she wants to see.

She’s wished things around felt more meaningful for a long time after Callie had gone away, the same way she wished unwashed piles of clothes by her bed were Callie’s, and the way she wished she kissed Callie longer and touched her gentler on the thirtieth day of their separation just to hear Callie breathe her name against her neck one more time before they had split. The times she suddenly remembered. long after their past was gone, how Callie used to fall asleep in cabs underneath her jacket and how she can’t believe how they let all that turn into nothing.

This afternoon is turning out to be really peculiar, and everything about the people she’s spending it with makes it feel as meaningful as she needs it to be.

She watches Callie giggle and half choke on her water at something Meredith mutters under her breath and even though she is paying absolutely no attention to the conversations, she smiles in tune to the rest of the people chuckling and in tune to Callie’s laughter ringing off the walls of their apartment.

All of them are always meeting and having their paths crossing at the strangest times. And every time Arizona comes back to Callie, every time they meet again, it’s all in the strangest circumstances. And it’s never the most peaceful things that get dropped on them, and the whole road behind is quite unluckily littered with car crashes, plane crashes and shouting matches.

But really, it doesn’t feel like it matters much, because as long as it’s the right person with her, as long as it’s with _her_ Calliope, no matter _when_ they come back to each other, it’s always so delightfully _right_ on time.

//

Callie tidies up the last of the leftover cake and plops down onto the couch with a huff. “I thought the great high of messiness came when they were three years old.” Picking at a spot that looks suspiciously like coffee on one of the cushions, she grumbles, “Aren’t six-year-olds programmed to clean up after themselves already?”

Arizona laughs while closing the pantry door, “It’s not for another good couple of years—” She stops when she eyes the clutter of plates and cups waiting on the countertop. Groaning, she goes for plopping down on the couch too. “You can go back to your apartment with Sofia tonight, so stop whining. I still have this messy house to myself to clean.”

Callie grunts.

“Is Sofia in her room?”

“Mhm,” Callie blows away a hair that stubbornly lands on her face again. “She said something about mermaid books and went in there five minutes ago.”

“She’s lucky she looks like you so much or I would’ve gone all marine on her long ago.”

Callie scoffs, “You wouldn’t have. You’re nice to kids, it’s like some sort of ingrained pediatric thing. Hell, even Alex started being nice to kids once he got stuck with you.”

Arizona flicks Callie on the forehead before pushing the strand of hair gently behind Callie’s ear.

Callie sits up a little. “Hey, you can come back to mine with Sofia and I for awhile before you have to deal with the kind-of-mess in here.”

“Are you trying to get me in your bed, Calliope?”

Callie wiggles her eyebrows playfully. “Come on, you know you want to.”

Arizona laughs, “You know I would’ve said yes anyway.”

“I know,” Callie replies smugly.

  


The cab stops at the red light just as a few fat raindrops plop down on the windows of her car, a rhythmic pat-pat-pat of the weather tonight. Callie shifts a little closer to the little head drooping against her shoulder and passes a hand through Sofia’s hair. She looks up when she hears a faint snore coming from her, crossing gazes with Arizona and sharing a small smile.

“She sounds like you even more when she’s sleeping,” Arizona whispers.

“We sound adorable when we’re sleeping, thank you very much.”

“No yeah, you do sound incredibly cute when you’re sleeping.”

Callie glares at Arizona, “I’m incredibly and unbelievably cool when I’m sleeping. Sofia is cute.” Arizona answers to her with an eye roll and a light punch on the arm.

Callie giggles softly. A warm yellow light flashes through the window as the cab starts again as they pass one streetlamp after another. Somehow weirdly squished in the middle seat between Arizona and Sofia, Callie feels like she forgot to grow up; like she’s still a kid who gets a forlorn wonder when she’s on night drives and still feels kind of lonely under the yellow streetlights. But she breaks her eye-lock with the windows and sees Arizona’s soft eyes gazing right back at her, and she suddenly feels, instead, an odd belonging. She smiles at Arizona, and Arizona smiles back. Lord knows how many little smiles they’ve exchanged these past few weeks, but it still never fails to stick wings on Callie’s internal organs and threaten to send them flying. Or something sweeter and less violent, if she wants it to sound more romantic and less realistic.

“The letter…” Callie says after a while. “Do you want to read it now?”

Arizona sucks her cheeks in for a moment, and then slowly says, “Yeah…okay.” As Arizona reaches inside the pocket of her worn out jacket, Callie subconsciously reaches for Arizona’s free hand. She blows out a slow breath when Arizona flips her hand and laces their fingers together in her lap.

The white envelope shines in the dimness of the cab with light filtering in broken, and Callie averts her eyes for just a second. To the shining billboard flashing past with fluorescent lights, reminding her of a new donut from Starbucks. She looks back at Arizona. And then she looks down at the folded letter in her hands.

Callie chuckles shakily and touches Arizona’s fingers, telling her to unfold the letter. “Well, let’s see what grief can do now.” _Let’s see what an old letter can undo._ The letter is burning into her eyes because she knows Mark’s touched it once.

“Yup,” Arizona says, followed by her own shaky laugh. “Why are we this nervous? I say there’s a fifty-fifty chance this letter is filled with sex jokes Mark never got to tell.”

“I say there’s an eighty percent chance it’s all bad dad jokes he wanted Sofia to hear.”

Callie can already tell the night is getting long as Arizona carefully unfolds the paper and scoots closer to her. She’s suddenly infinitely grateful that the person that can save her long nights is right here. They share the small rays from the streetlights, starting to read together from the first messily scrawled letters.

  


_Hey. Callie. Arizona. Maybe Sofia._

_First, I’m sorry, because I’m sure you are all beyond pissed that I’m telling Richard to only give it to you later. I hope you can forgive me since I’m pretty sure I’m about to kick the bucket and all. That would be rad. Thanks, ladies. I guess my bones are just tired of the body that woke them up today._

_Richard just rolled his eyes at me and I told him to just write what I say. Dying wishes and everything, am I right? I’m right. I’m always right._

_Robbins._

_We had a rocky start, us two, but I think I can tentatively say that we’re good friends now, family even. And we share the love for Callie and Sofia too, so I think I can say that I love you as well. I hope Callie found a way to fix your leg before it got too bad. If not, don’t blame her completely, but I understand if you blame her a little. She’s taking care of me, of you and your leg, of Sofia, and of Derek and his hand all at the same time. If you’re walking around with a prothesis now, then good for you. You were always more than just rainbows and unicorns, I’m certain you’ll survive this, and I see what Callie sees in you. You’re strong, Arizona, spit out your blood, bare your teeth, fight for yourself. Please take care of our girls. I meant it when I said you guys will last sixty years and sixty more._

_I know you’ll make it out of this bad place and continue loving life as you do._

_Sofia._

_I don’t know how old you’ll be, but I hope you know that I love you. Maybe you can read now, maybe your moms are letting you read this part for yourself. I would be so proud. Tell your moms watch a show with you for at least an hour every weekend. That was my favourite memory with my parents growing up. But I’m more than certain that your moms will be far better parents then mine. Your moms are amazing, Sofia. I’m so sorry I won’t be able to cheer at your graduation, to take you out for dinner after your first paycheck, and to dance at your wedding._

_I’m so sorry I won’t be able to be there as you grow up._

_Callie._

_You’re the best friend anyone could ever ask for. I hope and hope and hope you can see yourself through my eyes. You don’t even know how good you are. We used to laugh until our stomachs hurt, and it would be the best kind of pain. We used to share beds like little kids and tell each other scary stories. And then you used to get spooked and I used to call Robbins in the middle of the night for you. Thank you for getting drunk with me, for making bad puns with me, for pulling all-nighters with me, and for existing at the same time as me, on the same side of this planet. Wasting away time with you has been one of the greatest joys I’ve ever known. Thank you for always being there for me and thank you for letting me be there for you._

_I think I could say that being your friend could be the greatest honour I somehow got to have._

_I once told Callie that I don’t really have a family. I’m so happy to say that it isn’t true anymore. I have a family, but I’m leaving. I’ll miss you. Don’t be too terribly sad, I hope you think of me and think of the good times we had and smile._

_It’s going to be dark for awhile. There’s going to be a lot of things we can’t undo, because this damn earthliness hurts like a bitch. But there’s always a moment that follows when you look at someone’s laughing face and smile like it’s the first time you’ve been warm. Each life has its light. Being able to light you guys up before I extinguish would have been the greatest thing I can’t ever undo._

_Remember me._

_I love you._

  


> _I want to write you a letter_
> 
> _I want to write you a song_
> 
> _I want to make it better when the nights get long_

  



	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Be Still My Heart' tickles me and I had it on repeat for a week haha. Also, rating change. If you're more comfortable with a smutless version, you are always welcome to ask for it. If you wanna shove a Bad Sex Award in my face, please do so discretely. Writing sex has been one of the most terrifyingly stressful things ever. Okay, hope you come somewhere close to enjoying -

_**PART I - ALL THIS AND HEAVEN TOO** _

_**Florence & The Machine** _

> _And all my stumbling phrases_
> 
> _Never amounted to anything worth this feeling_
> 
> _All this heaven could never describe._

It's so fucking strange and wonderful how Mark can leave this place behind, just like any other bundle of bones, and almost make it look like he's never been here at all. And the changing of the seasons, leading to his whole damn life down to only memories living in other people's heads.

And a letter clutched tightly between Arizona's hands.

And it's so terribly tragic that even though he thought of writing this message for his family, it would never be exactly what he would want them to know, to feel like. Maybe he had put the wrong emphasis on the wrong part of the sentence, or maybe a pair of adverbs didn't fit exactly like they should've, but it's certain that it would come miles behind what it would be if he were really still here.

Callie watches the bottom of the page crinkle a little more every time Arizona holds it a little tighter. She quickly raises her hand to wipe at her eyes before any tears dropped down on their own.

"I bet you anything Mark is so smug right now," Callie says, chuckling as she wipes her eyes again, "Of us crying over his freaking letter."

"He totally is."

Callie sighs, prying the letter out of Arizona's hands and carefully folding it back to its envelope. Arizona chuckles sadly again and rests her head on Callie's shoulder. And even though Mark isn't really here, Callie's feels like he's kind of here, with the rest of his family. Right there in the dingy cab rushing along the streets at night, back to Callie's apartment. Maybe it's the letter. Maybe it's his last 'I love you', written in ink, not even in his handwriting. Maybe it's because when they miss someone hard enough, they might just get to feel that someone's presence once more.

But Callie swears she can feel Mark's presence, even if only a little.

She plays with Arizona's fingers idly as the cab turns on the corner of their street, listening to their breathing tangling together in the warm summer night air. It's comforting.

//

The few storybooks on Sofia's bookshelves have already been flipped through several times, and Sofia still insisted on rereading one before going to bed. And before Callie even reached the fifth page of the one in her hands, Sofia's little head is lolling to the side. Smiling to herself, she quietly set the book down and leans forward to pull the covers higher and press a kiss to Sofia's forehead.

"Goodnight, Sof."

Arizona watches them, leaning on the door frame, and when Callie raises her head again, an even bigger smile graces her face. Callie's stomach still does a flip when she sees Arizona looking at her like that, like she really just absolutely adores what she's seeing.

Tucking Sofia in to bed together again, and watching Arizona lean down to press a kiss on her head too, feels like family. And it's so great be feel like family with people.

The way Callie felt when she went to bars, escorted by Mark and Cristina, because the three of them in one place just made for a ridiculously fun night altogether. The way she felt when whole OR's started clapping after a particularly tough but successful surgery. The unity of people reaching for something together, except that with Arizona and Sofia, the feeling is private and shiny and so, so, great.

Callie wanders out of Sofia's room absentmindedly, with Arizona's arm around her waist.

"Stay for a bit," Callie says when they finally sat down in the living room.

Arizona nods. "Of course."

Callie grunts disapprovingly at the cupboard as it bumps into her head. "Do you want to do something productive or sit on the couch and whine about our sad existences?"

"We could bake banana bread. Sofia loves it."

"Oh really? And you think baking together is such a good idea?"

Arizona keeps her gaze on Callie and smirks, remembering how one of their 'culinary afternoons' turned out so be on a good day a few weeks into their marriage, all those years back. The counter needed severe cleaning afterwards. "Really. We're good, mature, down-to-earth surgeons, right?"

"Eh," Callie shrugs, "About half of the time. The other half, we're childish, dramatic, tragic suckers who get screwed over a lot."

"Such a nice way to put it."

"I just have a way with words."

"So I see."

Arizona chuckles at Callie bowing mockingly. "But come on, what's the worst thing that can happen?"

//

"What's the worst thing that can happen?" Callie quietly yells only to be shushed half-heartedly by a giggling Arizona. " _What is the WORST THING that can happen?!_ " Waving her hand up and down herself and at the flour covered counter behind her, " _Is this bad enough?!_ "

Arizona stifles another laugh as she shakily lifts a hand to remove the piece of banana that landed in Callie's hair. "I— Okay, you were right."

"OH, _WAS_ I?"

Having her chuckles finally die down a bit, Arizona rolls her eyes. "Yes, you were right, Calliope. We just aren't destined to bake anything together."

"Exactly," Callie grumbles, "At least the bread's in the oven."

"And your kitchen looks like a banana made a baby with a bag of flour."

"Wow, thank you for putting that image into my head, Arizona," Callie says sarcastically.

"You're welcome."

Callie glares at her but chuckles too when she glances down at herself.

Somewhere along the way, Callie thinks she had said something that irked Arizona, which led to Arizona flicking her on the forehead. Which lead to Callie pinching her arm. Which led to Arizona gasping in indignation and swearing revenge on Callie while sticking a suspicious hand down the flour.

Which somehow led to her kitchen looking like a banana made a baby with her flour.

"We're world class surgeons. We should have enough common sense to know that baking together always ends up with the kitchen being horribly messed up and on of us drowning in baking ingredients."

Arizona scoffs and rests her hands on Callie's shoulders, looking her in the eye and saying in all seriousness, "Do I _look_ like someone who has enough common sense?"

"No."

"Exactly."

"Well, at least we can be common-sense-less together then."

"Great," Arizona spins Callie around by the shoulders and points to the bathroom down the hall, "Now you can go clean yourself up and I'll take care of the kitchen."

"Should I trust you with my kitchen?"

"You and I both know I'll do just fine as long as you're not here to distract me."

Callie swivels her head around to glare at Arizona one last time. And then she breaks into a smile and leans over to press a quick kiss on Arizona's lips. "Something to distract yourself with while I clean up." She giggles, and leaves Arizona in the kitchen, hurrying down the hall, trying not to get flour on anything.

"Evil," Arizona huffs to herself.

After Callie comes out of the bathroom and gets assaulted by a quick make-out session being pinned against the kitchen island, she ushers Arizona to get on with the cleaning. And finally, they step back from the now at least decent looking kitchen.

"Jesus Christ, that took longer than I thought."

"Why don't you stay tonight?"

Arizona whips around, half-amused, half-surprised at Callie's sudden suggestion. Judging by the looks on Callie's face, she didn't expect herself to blurt it out either.

"Are...you sure?"

Callie shrugs, shuffling her feet just a little too uncomfortably to really be as nonchalant as she tries to look. "Yeah. Sofia is staying with me tonight, and you're already here, and it's really late, and I don't think I'll keep myself from worrying my pants off if you leave now…" She chuckles nervously, looking uncharacteristically flustered. Arizona just tilts her head, and tries to suppress her smirk, letting Callie ramble on. "And we almost finished that bottle of wine, so you'd have to take a cab probably, because no way I'm letting you drive, and there'll probably be a really creepy uber dude checking you out because it's past midnight and I like _that_ thought even less—"

Callie swallows, cutting herself off. Arizona lets her smirk come loose and takes a step closer. Callie Torres, in all her _badassery_ with her colleagues and surgeons, rambling and adorable, just being in front of her, is something Arizona will really never get enough of. Maybe she'll tease Callie more often just to see the rosy colour invade her cheeks every time.

"But it's the third date, Calliope," she teases.

Arizona grins cheekily as Callie flushes an even deeper colour. Seeing Callie so inexplicably and nervously _cute_ is something she _definitely_ has to see more of in the future. A normally put together and 'edgy' Callie can turn into this blushing girl within a matter of seconds, and Arizona can't even begin explain the desire it lights in her.

Callie scratches the back of her neck. "No, no, I'm not saying that anything will happen because it's the third date…Not that I don't want to! God, this is coming out wrong, I'm so sorry." Before Arizona could interrupt, Callie continues, "I mean, of course I want to do this right, but a number of dates shouldn't tell us when to have sex, even if, like, I'm really horny, because Sofia's here tonight and everything, you know…"

Arizona finally laughs and pulls Callie in by her waist to plant a hard kiss on her lips. Arizona can't help that same reckless desire and thrusts her tongue quickly into Callie's mouth that is still parted slightly in surprise. Feeling Callie's hands finding her neck, Arizona nips gently on her bottom lip before pulling back.

"It's fine. We are grown-ups. We can sleep in the same bed without anything happening."

"Right." Callie blinks rapidly, recovering from the hard kiss she was just oddly rewarded with. "Right."

Arizona feels undeniably proud at the flush of pink that she just seemingly fixed permanently on Callie's cheeks with her kiss. "Come on, show me to that bedroom."

Still dazed, Callie nods and sways a tad unsteadily towards the door down the corridor.

Arizona settles on the edge of the bed and watches Callie fumble for another shirt in her dresser. When Callie throws over shorts and a shirt, Arizona can't help but grin bigger at the intimacy of sharing clothes.

"I'm going to go change in the bathroom…er, right?"

Arizona quirks an eyebrow at Callie, "Hm?"

"Well, the last I changed in front of you, you looked ready to pounce on me."

"Aaand what's wrong with that?"

Callie opens her mouth and looks like a fish out water, her face going a funny shade of crimson shining through gold. Arizona thinks it looks awesome. Callie snaps her mouth shut, spins around, and marches into the bathroom, grumbling under her breath, as Arizona laughs behind her.

"God, I think this is the latest I've gone to bed in a while," Callie says as she comes out of the bathroom and sits next to Arizona on the edge of the bed. Arizona's already ridden of her prosthetic and gotten into the clothes Callie lent her, waiting for Callie.

"It's barely past midnight, Calliope."

"Yes, but I have such a boring life that I usually knock myself out before eleven if there isn't the pager screaming."

Arizona chuckles, scooting further onto the bed, and sits up against the headboard. She pats the pillows next to her, telling Callie to come closer too. "We used to be fun, right? We used to go out to Joe's and dance and stuff."

"We used to go out to Joe's and _I_ would dance," Callie says as she settles herself horizontally on the bed, spread out carelessly with her legs resting on Arizona's. "You would stare at me because I'm so incredibly hot."

"Yeah right."

"Because I am. Very hot."

"You might dull the pain of existence just a little," Arizona says, shrugging, and tangling her legs with those of Callie's.

"Just a _little_? I'm offended."

Arizona laughs, "Maybe a bit more when you dance."

"I should dance more often, then."

"Oh, you totally should."

"I will, I will," Callie says, "And you said you would dance with me sometime."

"We will eventually. I still can't believe that you weren't one of those dirty hot cheerleaders in high school. You should've seen the ogling that goes on when we go to Joe's."

Callie lets out a noise somewhere between a snort and a choke. "You've been saying that since the first time I told you I was the weird kid at the back of the class!"

"Well, look at you! Can you blame me?"

"Hm." Callie wiggles her hips playfully and laughs. "I'm a lot different now then I was then."

"Aw, come on. You must've at least had some good times."

"I never said I didn't! High school just wasn't as hyped up as everyone makes you believe. It wasn't horrible, but it wasn't _spectacularly_ exciting with love triangles and secret romances and prom and stuff."

“Aww.”

Callie chews on her cheek again, and adds, “Yeah, it was more like…white nights, not being able to find clothes that fit, being pushed around in the hallways and laughing with two people by the lockers.” She scratches at her neck for a moment, and finally says, “It’s stupid, idolising the teenage years the media shows and that you’ll never achieve.”

"Tim and I were the ones that made a show of pushing those people back."

"I would've been terrified of you guys in high school."

Arizona laughs, "I think you'd still fall hopelessly for me in high school."

"Mm." Callie purses her lips. "I think I would, actually, but I wouldn't do anything about it. I would probably sulk and watch you go around getting all the cheerleaders and be jealous in my little corner."

"Fair enough, but for the record, for some reason, I find that very cute."

"I'm not cute."

Arizona rolls her eyes and asks, "What was your favourite memory from the four years?"

"Um…leaving?"

Arizona rolls her eyes again and sits up to pinch Callie on the side.

"Ow!"

"Too cheeky."

Callie sticks her bottom lip out and rubs her side. "Mean."

"You're the one being snarky."

"But that's no excuse for violence as a solution to your problems," Callie quips back playfully. Pulling on a sophisticated looking face, she deepens her voice and booms, "Say no to violence, kids!"

Arizona giggles. "Okay, smart ass. You're going to wake our daughter." Jerking her head, she gestures for Callie to come closer. "Come here and sleep."

Callie smiles at Arizona's extended arms and crawls up to lie down next to her. She's immediately drawn in by Arizona's arms around her waist and she tucks her face into the warmness of Arizona's neck. "How are you so hot but your hands stay so cold? Like, all the freaking time?"

Arizona chuckles against Callie's hair. "Are you saying I'm hot?"

"I'm saying your hands are really, really cold. I can feel them through my shirt." Callie's voice is muffled by Arizona's neck. "But yeah, you're pretty hot."

Arizona grins and sneaks a hand under the hem of Callie's shirt. Callie yelps and tries to pull away, only to be held in place even more firmly by Arizona's cold fingers.

"Stop pulling away! I'm trying to warm my hands up."

Callie grumbles and settles herself back into Arizona after a shiver. "Still mean." Arizona smiles into Callie's hair again when she feels Callie's mumbling something else, and being interrupted by a yawn.

"Go to sleep, Calliope."

Callie groans, "I'm not that boring yet and I'm not that tired." She's interrupted again by a big yawn into Arizona's neck. "Okay, maybe just a tiny little bit."

"Sleep."

"Okay."

Arizona tangles their legs again and closes her eyes. She'd missed this. Falling asleep next to anyone is different to falling asleep next to Callie. Falling asleep next to Callie is righter than any other kind of sleep. It's more intimate than any other kind of sleep. Like Arizona had always fallen asleep and woken up with this woman in her arms, and had only taken a small trip away, but is now back to her routine. Like the very first time she'd come alive was waking up next to Callie.

She inhales the sweet smell of Callie's shampoo and traces circles on the warm skin of Callie's back absentmindedly as she holds on to every bit of Callie she feels.

//

Arizona fades back into something that feels an awful lot like reality.

But this reality isn't the morning. And something's woken her.

Slowly becoming a little bit more aware, she pries her eyes open when the body in her arms squirms and gives a quiet, almost silent moan. Before Arizona wakes up completely, she appreciates the blinds that they'd forgot to close before they fell asleep and the open window that gives way to a cool wind every handful of seconds.

She should really go close that crack in the window before either of them catches a cold.

Trying to sit up to go close the window, she finds that her knee is held snug between Callie's legs. She smiles to herself a little, seeing that Callie still has that habit. Slowly, she tries to pull her leg out of Callie's hold, but stops when she sees Callie squirm again. Like she needs to do something else, something more. She frowns down at the woman curled into her. Callie's face is still buried in Arizona's neck, but her hands have found a place on Arizona's front, clinging to the cloth of the shirt, and a blanket has tangled itself around her body. Callie gives off a feeling of almost being terribly uncomfortable.

A nightmare?

Arizona wouldn't want her to suffer from a nightmare, especially in her arms, especially on their first night together. She herself still, even if very seldomly, wake up panicked from a nightmare of a plane crashing or a lost forest, and she wouldn't wish her panicked morning (or middle of the nights) to anyone, _especially_ Callie.

"Calliope."

Her whisper dies in the middle of the room. Arizona can't help but smile to herself again, she should've known better. Apart from a pager and Sofia, not much of anything else can wake Callie that easily.

Arizona shifts and pokes the head of hair tickling her chin. "Callie." Callie seems to have heard her for a second, and Arizona is greeted by a faint moan and a sharp intake of breath. Callie's hands clasp her shirt tighter, and her body jerks in an eager little jump.

When she's met with silence again, Arizona grunts slightly and pushes herself up to lean halfway against the headboard, retracting her leg from in between Callie's and shaking her shoulders gently. She hears another sharp inhale as she moves. "Calliope, wake up."

Callie groans.

"Calliope."

Arizona sees Callie's eyelids flutter and it seems like they were going to open for a second, but then Callie actively squeezes them shut tight and curls her body into itself. She's awake at least.

Just as she touches Callie's shoulders to pull her up a bit higher, Callie hoarsely mumbles, "Arizona…"

Arizona reaches down for her, and just as the blanket between her legs shift to Arizona's weight, Callie moans. "D-Don't."

Arizona freezes at the oh-so familiar sound. The nights she's spent listening to that voice doing exactly just that.

Arizona swallows harshly. In one swift motion, she hooks her hands under Callie's arms and hauls her up with a grunt, sitting up against the headboard straighter herself too. "Calliope."

Callie jerks involuntarily again and unsteadily exhales, through a clenched jaw, resolutely looking away from Arizona. In embarrassment? In self-control? Either way, Arizona is having none of it.

Arizona licks her lips at the confirmation of the nature of Callie's dream. She can't help but feeling her own body flush a notch warmer at the sight of Callie's unadulterated desire curling into itself.

"Callie…"

//

Callie blows out a slow breath. And Arizona can see her tensing and almost grounding into the sheets under her. When Arizona tries to lean closer, the blanket shifts and Callie whimpers so silently she wasn't even sure she heard it. But she did.

And as soon as the low sound leaves Callie, she finds herself straddling Arizona's lap. Planting her hands firmly on Callie's waist, Arizona pulls her in and joins them in a shattering kiss.

Callie's mind is still spinning with what her dream left her when Arizona's hands find their way to her hips and makes it spin even more. She can feel the heat under her shorts threatening to burst, already so painfully close where the sheets had pushed against it when Arizona had pulled her up. Moaning into Arizona's mouth, she fails to control the small jerks of her hips and grounds down. She can't care less if her actions leak of all her desperation.

She does desperately want Arizona. She does desperately _need_ Arizona.

Arizona gathers all of her small bit of control to not throw Callie back onto the bed and fuck her senseless. That would be un-special. And Callie deserves special and everything more. Callie is more than anyone else. So much more.

But oh, Callie is quivering, straddling her, and shaking their kiss down to the core with her moans of the utmost neediness, and Arizona just _needs_ to see Callie reaching that high _because of her_. For now, even if _only_ for now, Callie is entirely, completely, unreservedly, _hers_.

"Calliope," Arizona rasps, resting her cheek against Callie's. She can feel the hotness reaching out through the skin of the other woman and lashing at her resolve.

Callie nods (or what she can manage as a nod in her state of mind) her consent. This is not quite reaching around the corner of something big. Something looming. And Callie's trying, she's trying so hard so control herself, but the need for Arizona to touch is too great.

Snaking a hand down between them to pull on Callie's shorts, she pauses when her fingertips brush at the soft skin under the hem of the shirt. One second to revel in the scorching body in her arms and one second to revel the edge of the precipice before they fall. This is special.

And then she yanks harshly.

Callie gives a sharp moan and clenches her hands over Arizona's shoulders. The one sharp tug of the flimsy cloth still covering her core whips out a blinding heat. Into helpless pleasure. Arizona watches as Callie throws her head back, her hips snapping up, once, twice, before going completely rigid. Arizona watches, with the help of a slimmer of light form streetlamps of the open window, Callie's parted lips and deeply flushed face losing all of its poise.

Arizona can't remember another anyone being so magnificent in the dark. She would watch Callie in this moment for the rest of her life if she could.

But Callie finally collapses into the crook of Arizona's neck, still shaking, still gasping for air, still trying to restart her lungs. And Arizona tightens her grip around Callie's waist and slides them down so that they are lying side by side, and she is holding Callie's helpless body in her arms, still quivering.

A cricket chirps somewhere outside the still open window and Callie stirs at last, her lips moving against the skin of Arizona's neck. "I'm sorry. That's really not how I wanted our first second time to be." She pauses and groans quietly, "Now I just sound like a kid."

Arizona laughs, her laughter rumbling in her chest and Callie can't help but smile as she feels the vibrations on her lips. "I'm not sorry. My ego is soaring right now, Calliope."

Callie tilts her head back, slowly and squints at Arizona. She's gotten rid of enough of her embarrassment to be able glare at Arizona jokingly.

"And that dream sounded good," Arizona adds, lowering her voice to a purr.

Callie lowers her gaze again, her face still flushed from that very dream. "Do we get a do-over for this too?"

"You seemed like you pretty thoroughly enjoyed that just now."

Callie rolls her eyes and blinks pleadingly up at Arizona. "But _you_ didn't. I woke from a damn dream and it was not sexy."

"I think it was perfectly _sexy_."

"Come on, we got a do-over for the 'terribly average' first date in the hotel just to make-out. I want a do-over with this too."

Arizona smiles down at Callie.

She does understand a bit. She understands how Callie wants this to be more. It was what she had wished just minutes ago before they'd both let go of their control. Frankly, Arizona's had plenty of activities that would technically qualify with the three letters of 'sex', but she knows that Callie is more. Was more, is more, will be more. Callie gives it sense; lets her sees the point of kissing.

Sex is sex, flings are flings, girls are girls, but this desire is different because it's _them_.

"We can have as many do-overs as we want," Arizona whispers, "As long as it's with you. As long as it's us."

Arizona cocks her head down and presses a kiss to Callie's lips again. _The point of kissing_ , when Arizona seems to step out of herself _._ She steps out of herself, and Callie is the only person she ever will remember touching.

Resting a hand on Callie's cheek, Arizona is almost scared to move any further, like Callie would shatter under her hand, like Callie is far too precious to be under her touch. Like Callie isn't like the rest of anyone else, because Callie really isn't.

Callie is _still_ so gentle and entrancing, pulling Arizona in without trying. Callie is _still_ such a soft and messy thing, and no one knows how to take care of her, but Arizona knows that she'll try harder than anyone's ever tried before.

Callie's eyelids flutter as she senses Arizona's hesitance. She appreciates it. She doesn't want to be just _anyone_ to Arizona. She pushes her tongue gently against Arizona's, trying to let her know that she understands, that she knows, that she wants her.

When they break apart just a thread, Arizona sighs. She needed to know that Callie wanted this as much as her own body is screaming for it, and now that it's confirmed, she's sure as hell not waiting a second more.

She rolls Callie onto her back.

//

Callie stares up at Arizona's face hovering above her, looking like she's made of ivory and rose-tinted glass. It's all she makes out anyway, her vision is obscured by the warm breaths pouring over her ears and her own reckless desire. Grasping one of Arizona's hands planted next to her head, she guides it down and presses it against the drenched cloth of her shorts, trying _desperately_ to show Arizona just how much she wants her. She moans softly as Arizona cups her scorching center; she's still feeling too much from her previous high.

Arizona licks her lips as she feels the wetness leaking through. And good lord, she loves it when her name comes out of Callie's mouth, squirming underneath her. Callie is pulling in quick, shallow breaths with her hair sprawled out like ink spreading through the white sheets, looking like a damn angel sinning for the first time. And it just about fucking knocks Arizona out of all sane thinking.

She presses her hand harder just to see Callie throw her head back and jerk her hips up, helplessly seeking more. Leaning down at the newly exposed skin, she plants open-mouthed kisses along Callie's jaw, Callie's neck, Callie's collarbone, and finally stops at the spot where she can taste Callie's heartbeat. Giving it a nip, she reaches down and whisks the silky shorts off.

Leaning back, she throws off her own clothes, and is back on top of Callie in an instant, almost ripping the other woman's shirt off in her haste. Their skin, resting together, burns each other in the most exhilarating way. Burning away the night. Burning away the years.

And god, Callie is beautiful. Irresistibly, irrationally, tenderly, _beautiful_. Arizona doesn't quite have enough time as a mortal to appreciate just how amazing Callie is, spread out beneath her. She's just as beautiful as she was five years ago and ten months years ago and two minutes ago.

"W-Wait."

Arizona freezes. Millions of the possible things she'd done wrong rushes into her head. She watches as Callie reaches back for a small pillow and tucks it under her shorter left limb.

"Okay," Callie mumbles, turning her head back to Arizona, her eyelids fluttering unsteadily.

Arizona hovers above her.

And then, almost out of nowhere, she falls down and kisses Callie hard, demandingly, on the mouth. She hopes it can let Callie know how much her small gesture meant to her. How cared for Arizona feels. How _good_. How fucking amazing Callie doesn't realise she is.

It's weird, because she knows that she would've felt self-conscious about being reminded of her leg any other time. Even with Callie, a few years ago. But she's just fine right now. More than fine.

Arizona keeps their insistent mouths parted and together, like they're working on cracking open the whole damn sky, and finds one of Callie's hands, raising it to press a gentle kiss to the small crescent shaped scar on the forearm.

She laces their fingers together next to Callie's head.

Like a connection. That she's only now realised she's had, she's ever wanted, with Callie. Not with other flings she's encountered, even if she doesn't know why. But it's something that's apparently now privately appropriated by the two of them without Arizona even knowing, and she's completely okay with it.

Whatever it is that makes intimacy so very disturbing, it softens itself when she's with Callie, and it's great, almost greater than life itself. Callie's legs fall apart under her, letting her settle in between. Apparently, she's seeking that closeness too. Arizona hooks her free hand under Callie's knee, spreading her legs wider, and lowers herself down. Sex against sex. Heat against heat.

Need against need.

Arizona licks a path up Callie's jaw and plants sloppy kisses on the corner of Callie's lips. She's determinedly going slowly. She can't keep this moment alive long enough. Longer and longer, but this chunk in time will still not be long enough. And whatever muscle memory exists, it exists for them. It's finally _them_ , together, again, and everything moves as they should, as they did.

Her bruised lips involuntarily quirk as she hears a moan digging its way out of Callie's throat. "Shh, Calliope," she rasps, "Quietly."

Pulling her bottom lip in between her teeth, Callie only manages to nod stiffly as Arizona thrusts down again. She is nothing but her body now, and everything else that Arizona isn't touching is either not existing or disappearing in smoke. Body, sweat, want, desire.

No time passes, no plane crashes happen, and no moving to New York; Arizona has a gravity that is pulling Callie out of this world, to somewhere only the two of them are alive.

She gasps silently and digs her head back into the sheets as Arizona thrusts down, again, again, and again, whispering hoarse words into her ear.

"You're beautiful, Calliope…" She tightens her grip on Arizona's firm hand pressing down into her's, muffling another moan against Arizona's neck now slick with sweat. "You're so soft…" Callie wraps her legs around Arizona's waist as Arizona's gentle thrusting slowly turns into an erratic pounding and she pants out in Callie's ear, "God, and I've missed this…" Callie gasps for air and tugs on Arizona's hair until they meet in another sloppy kiss, letting Arizona swallow her moans, her hips bucking uncontrollably up to meet her. They break apart and Callie throws her head back again, digging into the sheets with Arizona hovering just barely above her, a tear breaks loose and slides down to her chin.

Unsteadily, Arizona leans down again, kissing down its salty path, kissing away the tear. And then she murmurs, "Let go, Calliope, let go."

And Callie lets go.

She slams into a blind high, stiffening so wildly and inelegantly, that she actually, uncannily, looks like something ethereal and out of this world.

To Arizona, at least. Only Arizona gets to see her in this moment, sex and heart tuned to the same beat.

Somewhere between her wild little cries, Callie finds the thought to blindly bring her hand up to Arizona's chest, grazing a stiff nipple. Arizona grounds out a low "Mmm… _fuck._ " at the sight of Callie writhing under her, and barely holds on until her own body arches and tumbles down.

//

Callie pokes a hole through her haze and registers Arizona panting in her ear, her hands still holding onto Arizona's back, and the whole of Arizona's still covering her, almost protectively. She carefully moves her legs down from around Arizona's waist and lowers them on the bed. When Arizona slides down to the side and gathers Callie's into her front and pulls up the covers, Callie sighs the pleasure of feeling completely boneless into the crook of Arizona's neck, where she's settled herself again.

Feeling a nudge on her side where Arizona is holding her, Callie raises her head to meet Arizona's inquisitive gaze. By some strange telepathy they might've developed over the years (or something less farfetched, like the question written all over Arizona's concerned face), Callie shakes her head. "I'm okay. I just missed you…missed this…" she swallows and plays with the soft hair of Arizona's neck for a second, "Missed everything with you too much."

Arizona smiles sadly back at her and brings a hand up to wipe at the wetness on Callie's cheek. "I've missed you too."

Callie sighs as feels Arizona's arms tighten around her. "Do you think Sof heard us? I feel kinda bad."

"Us? Nah," Arizona chuckles, raising an eyebrow smugly. "You? Maybe."

"Ugh, shut up."

"Mm. We'll find a time where you can scream my name as loud as you want."

Callie rolls her eyes against Arizona's neck. "Narcissist."

Arizona chuckles again, pressing a kiss to Callie's forehead. "Goodnight, Calliope."

Callie smiles lazily against the sweaty skin despite herself and kisses Arizona's salty jaw. "Goodnight, Arizona." Because good nights come when she's with Arizona, just like good mornings come when she gets to see Arizona.

Everything is good, everything is well, and they are together.

_**PART II - BE STILL MY HEART** _

_**The Postal Service** _

> _And I thought, be still my heart_
> 
> _This could be a brand new start with you_
> 
> _And it will be clear, if I wake up and you're still here_
> 
> _With me, in the morning._

Strangely, the scrapes on her knee were again the first thing Callie felt in the morning.

And none of what happened was a dream. Not a dream.

Her eyes are still closed and she can still feel the sheets that have tangled themselves in her legs again, still recognise the slightly chilly breeze interrupting the heat that lasted on her skin. Her nose is cold, but her body is warm. She's sure she forgot to close the window last night, like she always did.

If she starts her mornings like this, then all is right with the world. Even if only for the morning, but she has a name that someone wants to call and wine that someone wants to drink, and a bed that they can sleep in, and really, everything is so perfectly alright right now.

"Calliope."

Callie hums in response. She smiles in her groggy place between sleep and reality when she feels a warm arm draping over her middle. Reality can wait for a few seconds to crash in.

Arizona lips brushes against her cheek and Callie hums again as she feels the corners of Arizona's mouth twitch and smile into her skin. If she tries hard enough, she can still feel Arizona's sweaty skin pressing down against hers, and their hands clamped together next to her head.

"Mmm." Callie rolls over and curls into Arizona, hiding her face in the soft skin of her chest, ignoring Arizona's quiet voice whispering her name.

"Calliope. We have work today."

"No."

She feels Arizona's chest rumbling with a chuckle. "No?"

" _No._ "

"If it were that easy, then I would've kept you in bed for weeks on end."

Callie groans and rolls onto her back. "Fine. What time is it?" The body beside her moves away to check the phones on the nightstand. Shuffling forward, she curls up around Arizona's back and passes her arms around her, pulling herself closer and burrowing into the last bit of warmth left from the night.

"It's…" Arizona flips over her phone and squints at the bright screen. "OH MY— _SIX FIFTY_ — _Calliope get UP_." Swinging off the bed and bringing Callie with her, who lands with a thump on the carpeted floor. "Oh crap," Arizona leans down and presses a quick kiss to Callie's forehead, "Sorry." And then she goes rushing to the other side of the room, swearing under her breath.

"Six fifty…" Callie eyes open wide and she shoots up, "Our shifts start at seven, right?"

Arizona is already tearing into Callie's dresser, searching for clothes. "Yes! We're going to be late!" Pausing her furious searching, she cranes her head and shouts down the hall. "SOFIA!"

"Thank god Sofia's school doesn't start until eight thirty," Callie grumbles as she shoots off the floor and throws her own clothes on.

She raises her head and meet Arizona's eyes across the room, and despite their terrible timing, they smile at each other with a moment of silent miracle. Getting dressed together in the morning again is a quiet bout of wonder that is only this great when it's happening. Looking at Arizona, Callie can tell that Arizona is reliving the infinities of last night too, of the wild and deadly pleasure that had burst between these very walls.

And then a groan that sounds impossibly like Callie's makes itself known from the other room, accompanied by a light 'thump' and yet another groan, making Arizona muffle a laugh against her hand.

"Well, Sofia's up," Callie says, breaking their small trance and giggling. "We'll have to ask Mer to drop her off with Zola, it's too early for the school to be open anyway."

//

Arizona ended up wearing the same shirt she did yesterday, and gulping down an excess amount of coffee, sitting on the front seat on Callie's car.

"Do I dare to check the time, Arizona?"

Glancing at the time on the console, she snorts. "Not if you don't want to crash the car. You get jumpy when you're late."

"Yeah, you're right. Plus, I have that—TURN GREEN, YOU STUPID LIGHT—big surgery this afternoon."

"The hand-building one again?"

Arizona looks at Callie a little amusedly as she answers without stopping her glare at the stoplights. "Yeah, poor dude crushed his hand in a leaf blower like thingy."

"You'll rock it. You've built like, three hands already in your career?"

"Yup," Callie says proudly, "'Cause I'm the ortho goddess. I _rock_."

Arizona rolls her eyes with a grin and shoves another mouthful of coffee down her throat.

They scramble out of the car as Callie slams the doors close. With a brisk walk that borders dangerously on jogging, they rush in the direction of the glass double doors. Feeling a little nervous, from their lateness or her surgery in the afternoon, Callie doesn't know. The early July morning is in a free fall onto everything she sees, and she counts the things she can see, hoping it will calm her a little.

It doesn't.

But it did make her feel better when her own coffee sloshed a bit over the rims of the cup from their pace, and Arizona giggled. Rolling her eyes, Callie counts the trees standing uneasily with missing branches. She counts the pigeons pecking aimlessly at the asphalt. She counts everything she loves about this place, and she counts Arizona in.

And strangely, that didn't scare her.

She guesses she loves Arizona.

And that's that.

Arizona holds the door open for her as she steps into the cool hospital air, and she grins. She's _excited._ Arizona pulls out a napkin to wipe at the bit of coffee on her wrist, and she feels infinitely bold.

She doesn't really know exactly where they're going, but they're on their way. Callie can't say the words just yet, but she knows she will be able to. One day.

Arizona turns to Callie before she walks off to her peds ward. "I'll meet you for lunch?"

Callie nods. "Of course. Thanks for the napkin."

"Anytime."

The sweetness, the lingering sweetness, of last night mingles with that of this morning and rushes to Callie’s head, like one glass too many of champagne that makes the whole world look like sunshine.

Maybe, if Callie is honest, she is just a little bit afraid, because Arizona comes closer and kisses the corner of her mouth gently when she saw that no one was around.

The very same way Callie remembers she was a little afraid on a particular Saturday night back in New York, leaning against the fogging window of a bus stop and sipping a day-old Monster she found in the trunk of her car. The bus came and it started raining a little and Callie had suddenly wondered whether Arizona was up, or if she was sleeping in late. And then she wondered whose covers she would be under.

And then she recoiled from herself, a tad closer to terrified, because she had just broken up with Penny.

Thinking about Arizona brought her back to how wonderful loving someone could be.

And she knows, she had promised herself, on a whim of wariness and fear after she had walked out of that therapy session so long ago, that she wouldn’t fall for Arizona, _ever_ , so hopelessly again.

But it’s a little past seven on a July morning, and they’re late to work because they had sex the night before. She’s grinning a little too hard at Arizona, and this is the happiest she’s been in such a long time. She knew she was screwed. 

She loves Arizona.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For clarification, the present of this story takes place in 2018.  
> Also, smut warning. I feel sinful.  
> I took inspiration from other places again, so all credits to the quotes and stuff, you know. If you recognize something, then it’s probably not mine. Most noticeably, the ones I remember: “But this universe is the only one that matters.” – History is All You Left Me, Adam Silvera. “You can't just sit there and put everyone's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love.” – The Perks of Being A Wallflower, Stephen Chbosky. “No, it's not like any other love. This one is different because it's us.” Hand in Glove, The Smiths

_**I NEVER KNEW** _

_**Hardcastle**_

> _Lost out in sun, forgot who I was,_
> 
> _Maybe it’s finally time to let go now._

_-_

_AUGUST 20, 2018_

Addiction is so unbelievably tricky.

At one point, Arizona was only smoking cigarettes at really, really, stressing times. Or when she knew she'd be in trouble, as she put it when she basically named the gaggle of girls, one by one, that she so ungracefully slept with before Callie.

And then Callie left for New York, and Arizona didn't know what else to love apart from cigarettes, sex, and Sofia. She would chug another pint of beer at Joe's, and the girl next to her would be too busy giggling to wonder how empty Arizona had to be in order to do it. She slept with girls without talking because she couldn't remember their names. They would part when Arizona snuck out after the other had passed out, and never to be thought of again.

She said she was moving on, but lonely places were everywhere. And each time she had thought of Callie, she wanted a cigarette.

Arizona shifts her position on the carpet beside her bed and closes the small blue box in her hands. Pulling herself up, she replaces it at the bottom of her dresser and ignores the anarchic little want that still yearns for that silver necklace.

She guesses, maybe, what she's trying to say is…she thinks she'll always be, and always was, in some kind of love with Callie. Maybe even before they met. And, well, now that she really is with Callie again, loving Callie is a much better addiction then cigarettes or sex or surgery.

Arizona rubs the nicotine patch on her arm absentmindedly and smiles to herself.

She loves Callie. She really does, she always will.

//

It's getting chillier in Seattle, into the second half of August, and Arizona had forced Sofia in a sweater before going to school (to Sofia's great disdain).

Her day was crap. The only thing keeping her from pulling her hair out was meeting Callie at Joe's at the end of the day.

The feeling Callie brings still comes back after all these years and makes her look forward to the end of her crappy days just to get to see Callie's smile all over again. And she lives for it. It's comfort. It's motivation. It's the push she often needs to try harder, smile bigger, and be better. Like she thought before, falling for Callie was— _is_ —also falling for everything else. She loves her life even more when Callie's in it.

And she can just hope that Callie falls the same, in all the same places too.

Still doesn't change the fact that Arizona's day was really _crap_.

She found a hair in her morning coffee, and her legged squeaked for a good two hours before she found the time to go into an on-call room to fix it. And then the goddamn hit and run in the pit.

Curiously, whether because all the children were busy taking advantage of the last seconds of summer before school starting again, or because kids don't like to waste their youth growing up…Arizona had a true overload of kids coming in today. Even with Karev and the interns slaving away in her wing, they had two siblings die on their table. One's heart stopped, and the other, they didn't even get to rush past the ER. Her leg started aching half-way into the day and she almost resuscitated a six-year old too late because of that damn leg.

Walking into Joe's, her sour mood lifts the tiniest bit as she spots Callie, chatting away light-heartedly with the bartender. The thin-legged tables are all full, and Callie's taken place on a stool by the bar, and Arizona thanks the surgical schedule gods that apparently, she was the only one that had a rough day.

Callie looks absolutely great. Or maybe Arizona's biased. But Callie does look great, and knowing she'll be the one to help Callie out of her knee-high boots tonight makes her want to stuff an intern into a wall a bit less.

Squeezing over to Callie's side, she nods to Joe. "Hey." And turning to Callie, she pressed a quick kiss on her lips, "And hey."

Callie's bright smile at her is almost worth the crappy day. "Hey, I heart about your two kids. I'm sorry."

"It's fine," Arizona shrugs and plops down on the stool beside Callie, "It's just a crappy day." And it's true. There are so many crappy days. But what's crappy those days is the weather, the surgeries, the parents who yell at her…but not Callie. Callie is the good thing at the end of her crappy days.

And god, she'd wasted so many days without appreciating that.

Callie tilts her head to the side for a moment, and nods, as if just accepting something she was contemplating. "Okay."

"Okay?"

"You can go home tonight if you want. You had a hard day," Callie shrugs, "I can ring up Meredith or someone to come do shots."

Arizona stiffens and snaps back, "You don't know what kind of day I had." She regrets it right away when Callie flinches barely noticeably. Arizona can't help the bitterness of her day that seeps into her words. She'd once promised herself that she wouldn't take out her anger for the world on Callie ever again, some days after Callie had walked out of therapy; some days after it was too late.

Callie smiles softly and hops down from her stool. "You had that tight face on. You always have that tightly wound-up expression when you have a bad day and you're annoyed at everything."

Arizona grits her teeth. She doesn't know why she is so annoyed at Callie knowing her so well. At Callie caring too hard.

"Really, Arizona. You can go home if you want to," Callie says, stepping in front of Arizona's stool facing her way, in between Arizona's legs.

Arizona scoffs roughly and her eyes flash against the gentle look Callie was giving her. Her hand flies to the back of Callie's neck and pulls her down, slamming her lips against her's. Her anger at the whole damn world almost bruises Callie's lips. Arizona's hands are the metal linings of a cage, around Callie's neck and Callie's waist, trapping her in, to let Arizona lose focus on the rest of everything for a moment. Even if only for a moment. She's so mad at everything that's _always_ too hard, and she's shoving that down into Callie's lungs with thrusts of her tongue, even if she knows she isn't supposed to. She only knows Callie makes her feel better. And she knows she _gets_ to kiss Callie now. So that's what Arizona did.

But Callie is pushing back.

Callie's hands are barley resting on Arizona's forearms, neither pulling her in or pushing her away, and Callie is turning the kiss soft. She kisses back without Arizona's force, and she's taking everything Arizona was shoving down her throat and pushing it back with air. Like the way Arizona noticed Callie looking so sad almost a decade ago at Joe's. Like the way Callie's presence was never less than so very important to Arizona. And only then does Arizona realise she is being touched again, not just being angry without end. Not just trying to heal her pain and anger for everything else with hearts she'd screwed for one night. Callie is pushing all the life right back into Arizona; light, gentle, pink-looking life.

When Callie pulls back, still hovering with her lips only so close to her, Arizona finally breathes. She's finally feeling _too much_ in a good way.

"I-" Arizona clears her throat weakly and closes her eyes, chuckling softly. "I'm sorry."

Callie takes a light breath and closes her eyes too. Her hands come up to rest on Arizona's face. "It's okay."

"No, Calliope," Arizona says, nudging Callie's shoulders away a little to look her in the eye. "It's not okay. It really isn't. You can't let yourself just sit there and take everyone else's pain and think it's okay. You can't just sit there and put everyone's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love." She smiles a little when Callie nods faintly and looks down. "No, look at me, Calliope."

Callie raises her head and holds Arizona gaze, albeit a little shakily. Arizona purses her lips, she doesn't want Callie to feel ashamed of it, god, of course not. She couldn't be more grateful that Callie had put her life before her's when she did, or Arizona probably wouldn't even be here today.

A clanging of glass bottles behind the bar counter brings Arizona back to Callie's shaky gaze. "Just…I want us to work, okay? I really, really do. I don't care which time it is, I don't care how many times we've broken up already, but I _know_ we can work."

"Me too, Arizona."

"So, promise me that you'll stand up for yourself, just like you did when you walked away. The way you did when you wanted to go to New York to chase after your own happiness." When Callie looks down again uncomfortably, Arizona immediately tilts her chin back up. "Hey—I get it. Please don't look away. I just want you to know that you shouldn't stop chasing after your own happiness because it's me, Callie. No one should be considered your world, _no one_ , except for yourself."

Callie bites the inside of her cheek and chuckles. "I feel like I'm fifteen again."

Arizona rolls her eyes, "You just ruined the moment."

Callie laughs quietly and stands up straight again, holding out her hand, "Let's go home. It doesn't feel like a night out for shots anyway. We can um," Callie waves her hand, "talk about this more somewhere else."

"Yup, you're right. Let's go."

Pushing open the bar door, the bells jingle merrily like they always do, and the cool night air welcomes them into itself.

"Callie?"

"Mhm?"

"Which home were you talking about?" Arizona scolds herself internally and says, "Sorry, I meant, like, my house or your house?"

"Errr," Callie hesitates, "Not really my place to ask, but did you fuck, like, _really a lot_ of girls on your couch? Because if that's the case, I'd rather we go back to mine."

"Okay, first, totally your place to ask. Second, no. I'm not particularly as proud as I used to be about it, but I never took them back to my place. It was a hotel or their place."

"Alriiight. Um, your place then."

//

Talking is so hard.

Talking about themselves is so hard, and Callie keeps opening her mouth and trying to reel the words back in just as they were about to come out, wanting them to sound casual enough to say, but serious enough to stay. Arizona and her were never good at talking about things.

But now, they're talking about things.

Callie wants to interrupt Arizona and say her own stuff, but she knows she can't. She doesn't know when the burning desire to make herself heard had stopped being so emergent. She doesn't know when the years had rubbed off so much of her edge.

Finally, Callie huffs, "Don't scold me like I'm a child, Arizona. I get what you're saying."

Arizona raises her eyebrows, stopping her pacing and leaning into the back of the couch. "Please don't interrupt me."

"I- urgh." Callie rubs her eyes and looks down at her feet, then back up again, at Arizona crossing her arms and fixing her with that challenging look. She was always annoyed when Arizona fixed her with that challenging look, like they were against each other in this argument. They weren't; it's supposed to be the two of them against the problem. "I don't know. Um," she pauses again and blinks, gathering her courage. She doesn't know why she can easily get angry and spurt out things but she can't get enough nerve to voice the things that hurt her the most. Maybe her anger was hurt. Or whatever. "Since we're talking…I-I just wanted to know if you're, um, _sorry_ for…cheating. And leaving. And…stuff." Callie clears her throat uncomfortably and fixes her eyes on the corner of the television.

"Sorry?" Callie can't see Arizona's face, but she can see the bewildered annoyance in her voice. " _Sorry?_ Of course I'm sorry! How can you—"

"You just never made it seem like you were sorry for anything you'd done. You told me I wasn't in the plane crash and that I hadn't lost anything." Callie breathes in, breathes out. Better to just ramble it all out. Her voice grows smaller and smaller, until she was just speaking at the television instead of Arizona. "You…you just _kind of, a little, very slightly_ , made me feel like I deserved it. Like I should have known it was supposed to happen. Erm, kind of…like the way you made me feel like I'm so easy to walk away from all over again when you left for Africa. Like…it was okay that George cheated on me, and Erica was normal for wanting to walking away."

"Calliope…"

"No, yeah, I know I still hold on to these things maybe a little too much, but I mean…it _does_ bother me."

"Callie…" Arizona's voice draws her back in towards Arizona's face. "I'm sorry. I really am. You lost so much. We both did. It was horrible. We were in a fucking _plane crash_ , Callie."

Callie's always hated the way her voice feels when it cracks just before she cries. Her throat aches and she knows she was going to cry. Because that was what always happened when she talks about Arizona and her.

Arizona was sorry for cheating. She'd finally heard those words.

"I-" Callie chuckles through a tear that dropped past the corner of her mouth. "Yeah."

"And…since we're going say it all…"

"Mhm?"

Arizona clicks her tongue. "You still talk about George and Erica. They were so long ago and you still talk about them."

When Arizona was only met with a teary and confused look, she continues, "You're great, Callie. You're not like me. You don't screw people for fun. You fall easy, you fall fast, and you fall hard. And you had so much love to give. I…" Arizona shrugs weakly, "I'm not the same. I met you, and I knew you were something different. But you, you fall in love everyday, with everything, and I love that about you."

Callie nods, wiping her cheek with the back of her hand, and Arizona can't help but smile at the gesture. Callie still gives off a feeling not unlike their six-year-old daughter so often.

"What I mean is, I think, I'm scared." Arizona bobs her head to herself, as if encouraging herself to keep going. "I'm scared that maybe you'll fall for someone new someday and leave me. Because anyone can see just how worth everything you are, and I'm still surprised I didn't have to fight off more people to get to you. I know that better people could-" Arizona stuffs the word 'love' back down her throat "-be with you, Callie, but I'll try harder than anyone else."

"No," Callie says firmly. Arizona blinks and Callie continues quickly, "I'll choose you, Arizona, you don't have to kill your self trying so hard. And I don't know how to explain this, because you're right. I fall so easy."

"Mhm."

"But it's like…a gut feeling. I don't know," Callie mumbles, looking away suddenly shyly. "Yeah. No. I had, have, a feeling with you too. I get the…special thing you get, I guess, I do too. I don't know, we weren't like any of my other loves. This love was different because it's us." She scratches the nape of her neck and wipes away the last of her tears. "If that makes any sense."

Arizona swallows and motions for Callie to come closer, pulling her in when she comes close enough. Both of them leaning against the back of the couch, because Arizona could never stand watching Callie cry.

//

Arizona mumbles muffled words into Callie's hair and closes her eyes. She wishes silently that Callie would cry far less in the following years. There are still things they haven't figured out, but they'll make it. They always do.

To think there were so many times Callie had cried and she wasn't there to hold her like this, it makes a little sad. Not so much jealous or guilty, just a little sad. Because she wants to be there for Callie, and she wants to see Callie being wildly happy most of all.

And its still weird that someone else has done everything Callie once did with her with Callie. maybe they even did things her and Callie never got around to doing, like having a crappy television marathon or going on a train ride together. Maybe Penny got to do some of those with Callie.

Arizona can't help but wonder if Callie laughs the same with someone new, if she's stubborn the same, if she brushes her teeth the same. If she loves the same.

Is there a different Callie for every person Callie's been with?

If so, Arizona absolutely wants to get to know those Callie's too. She just wants to know every different kind of Callie that exists. Because she's fairly positive that she can fall in love with _all_ that is Callie. She just still finds Callie that great.

Absentmindedly, Arizona pressed a kiss on the tip of Callie's nose out of nowhere. She wonders if Penny or George or whoever else had ever felt the inexplicable urge to do that too. If any of their private memories have been unknowingly invaded by a new someone.

Like the small crescent shaped scar on the inside of Callie's right forearm. Arizona always kissed it when they had sex. The scar came on their fifth date, when Callie insisted to cook for her and then, in a (to Arizona, hilarious) attempt to look cool tending to the stove, proceeded to burn herself. Arizona wonders if Callie has told that story to Penny. If Penny knew that the scar she saw, Arizona had been there when its story had came. Or did they have an unspoken rule that that all that is Arizona was taboo?

Arizona can't decide which one makes her want to smoke more the most—Callie wanting to keep their stories to herself or Callie wanting to share their stories with someone new.

Arizona feels Callie sniffle against her neck, and then smiling slightly into the skin. Arizona smiles too, mirroring the one Callie probably has.

It makes Arizona feel better when she knows that she will still want to press a kiss to that tiny scar the next time she's on top of Callie. That Callie and her both still carry their history.

Whether they tell it to strangers or daydream about it before they fall asleep, this was their history, and no one can disturb that. Their history will remain their history no matter what more crap happens, even if history was all that Callie left her at one point.

Now, they can make history again. And again, _still_ , it will be _their_ exclusive history.

"It's okay now, Callie. We're okay now."

"We are." Callie sniffles and rests her forehead on Arizona's neck, revelling in the feeling of Arizona comforting her again, finally, instead of the other way around. "God, we _finally_ are."

Who knew just reaching a point where everything is okay could be so hard?

Arizona didn't expect any of this when she walked into Joe's on a night so long ago. She never knew how to cope with all this future and all this past. But all her plans and ambitions so many years ago and all her forgiving and hope these many years later are all worth it. It really is worth it to hurt and patch up her own scars if only for another time with this one person. With Callie.

Even if they do this all again, it would be worth it for Arizona. Only if it's with Callie. Their love takes practice, she thinks. Loving Callie will take practice too. Good thing that they still have the rest of their lives.

Good thing that Callie walked away when she did, and good thing that their paths knew to cross again. Good thing that ordinary things are so often so great and good thing that they are both happy existing in this moment.

"Are you really not mad at all that I walked away that day?"

Arizona shakes her head and stills her fingers passing through Callie's hair. "I'm not mad. I'm proud that you walked away when you did. Especially after the night we had right before. God, I'm so proud of you."

Callie stays silent of a moment. And then Arizona hears her sniffle and again and whisper a quiet "Thank you."

//

_OCTOBER 22, 2014_

"What if she makes us start again?"

Callie let herself be pushed away a little and forced herself to look through her lust and haze to Arizona's eyes.

"What if we don't tell her?"

Arizona quirked an eyebrow and smirked despite herself, mumbling a playful " _Oh_ " before her hands crawled around Callie's hips. That was the last thing that was close to light-hearted that night.

Lowering herself down, Callie kissed her again with a desperateness that has been foreign to her for months now. Callie's kisses were always soft and all-consuming, but that night, they were even more. Black holes sucking them into whatever it is left of their history, barrelling into the unknown next step. Because if Arizona was honest with herself, she knew that it wasn't right.

Even if she wouldn't tell the therapist, Callie usually couldn't be one to randomly push her down on the bed and demand sex. Maybe in the exception of when she was pregnant with hormones leaking through her pores, but even then, Callie was gentle in all her ways, and most times, yielding and less yearning for the assertive.

So, Callie's lips tracing a suspiciously guilty path down her neck was most definitely not something Arizona planted in her little book of 'things that are right'. But she tightened her hold on Callie's hips and shut any thought that what this might mean. At least for her, this was a rebirth. Painful, doubtful, into the undetermined history of the yet to be written, and not at all what Callie might have been thinking too.

And she was still reeling from the heat that haven't grown so quickly between them for so long. For too long. And she thought that there would be nothing worse, to not be able to slide her hands up the familiar curve of Callie's waist and hold her tight against her. To not be able to feel Callie inching down her body again.

To know this homeliness and awareness with anyone else than Callie. She wouldn't want it if it isn't with _her Calliope_.

Other people were just people.

But Callie was Callie.

Arizona gruffly groaned as Callie tugs her underwear down to her knees. She has no idea why or where this thing was going, but she guessed that she would've let Callie lead her there. This blind trust came at the worst times. This was a bad idea, but Arizona liked bad ideas with dark hair and dark eyes and a tame, deadly smile.

Propping herself up with her elbows, she gazed down at Callie. Although sensing the seamless desire straying from Arizona, Callie looked up too. And then the desire became heavy and obscene, lecherously tainting their eyes, still holding their contact. Callie looked away first, but not with the shyly rosy charm she had once did. She looked away, down at Arizona's wet center, swallowing and descending to swipe her tongue down and along.

Arizona's fingers wove themselves forcefully into Callie's hair, pulling her head up again. There were no rosy cheeks blushing with the things they are doing this time, not for while now, and Arizona found herself thinking about how Callie used to be. Somehow, when they had got together, Callie had still that young innocence of a tender woman even with every heartache slammed onto her, and Arizona revelled in every single second of her flushing face in the hours of watching Callie throw her head back and whimper and call out her name.

The blackness of the room had only let Arizona see the dull sparkle in the eyes looking up at her, and she couldn't for the life of her, decide what they might have meant. Or how they could have been hurt so badly by just another sack of blood and bones.

"Let me…" Callie whispered.

Arizona regarded her one last time before pushing her head down, one hand's fingers still tangled in, holding her in place. She only gripped tighter when Callie moaned silently at the abrupt forcefulness. Air wasn't anything relevant as she pressed Callie into her harder and groaned. The incessant soft and wet tongue swallowed Arizona into itself and her center ached with every move.

Arizona persisted on watching Callie's dark hair buried in her, propped up on an elbow, as she held on to her hair as hard as she fancied. And it bothered her to no end that she couldn't feel the shape of Callie's body, but her ability to coherently form that thought was ripped away as her hand tightened unconsciously and pushed Callie further into her. She pulled in a loud, shuddering breath and threw her head back, her toes digging into the sheets next to Callie. She felt like she was drowning.

Now they were running around in the dark, thinking that the darkness could hide what they were doing.

It's been too long since they've had any wild desire run rampant, with the one time they'd finally to fall into bed together to be careful and strange and nervous. For Arizona, the fear of bothering Callie further with the memories of her infidelity, and for Callie, not really knowing what Arizona had become comfortable with.

This wasn't any of those things, and Arizona had no fucking idea what it means. But oh, Callie had just peeked up from between her thighs and grazed her teeth over her clit and licked her lips, and Arizona grunted loudly and shattered under Callie's gaze. Tightening, arching, and then falling down.

She'd thought they'd stay around for longer than 'long'. She'd thought they'd stay young forever.

This love that they'd wasted, Arizona was praying it could be reeled back in, just for the two of them, again.

//

Callie squirmed, her hips digging down into the sheets. Panting heavily, she moaned softly to herself as she grinded onto the bed underneath.

And then out of no where, the hand in her hair was tugging her up again, up Arizona's body, to come face to face, and to be where Callie dreaded being. She rolled off of Arizona with an undistinguishable noise and stared at the darkness above. Under the cover of the dark room, she thanked the gods she couldn't see clearly enough to recognize all the bits and pieces she knew would hurt too much. She was still throbbing, _drenched_ , but she kept staring at the ceiling.

The last day of their separation was tomorrow, but Callie had walked up to Arizona knowing there probably won't be a tomorrow.

Not for them. Not anymore. No more mornings where Arizona's woke her with poorly scrambled eggs and no more evenings with Callie loading the dishwasher grumbling but doing it anyways.

It seemed like it was only yesterday that they were having the time of their lives.

Callie couldn't save Arizona, and she'd been wrong thinking she could have. Maybe she still wanted to save the world a little, but it was okay if the only person she was saving was herself.

And then out of nowhere, she wasn't staring at the ceiling anymore, but instead at Arizona, hovering above her, holding her down, although she knew that Callie wanted to turn away. The hand on her forearm was pinning her down and the eyes she once knew so well were searching, even if Callie knew they'd find nothing. She didn't have the answers about them, or anything else, this time around.

Arizona looked down at her. If Callie let herself look up to Arizona's face again, she would probably do something even dumber than coming in and demanding sex.

"Calliope."

Callie slowly raised her eyes at the rasp of Arizona's voice. She couldn't remember when her had lost faith in them and she couldn't remember when it became so hard just to be together.

"Does this mean something?"

Callie blinked slowly. She was still burning, feeling like she was turned inside out under Arizona's eyes and her own wet haze. "I don't know." _I can't carry on like everything's fine._

Arizona slid a hand downwards, tickling the skin where her shirt had ridden up. "We were doing fine. We could still do fine." _We were the greatest, me and you._

 _And I don't regret anything from you and me. Everything I did, you know I'll always mean._ "I know," Callie mumbles.

Arizona's hand slid down further, cupping the drenched cloth. Her hot breath washed away Callie's crumpled thoughts. For a second, all the problems in the world were only the clothes separating her from Arizona. "What do you want?" _Don't let me let you go._

With a soft little whimpering groan, Callie answered by offering up her mouth, reaching for Arizona.

Arizona licked her lips and seemed to understand Callie. She seemed to understand that this night was an interlude from themselves. Fucking like nothing mattered. "Okay."

_Then this one is for you and me._

And they were all teeth and tongues and bruising force, tumbling back into something that was something like themselves, but not quite. Her skin was crumbling apart under Arizona's touches that were falling and falling and falling down onto her. Her mouth was waiting to be claimed by Arizona, like the way her taste was already dripping over her tongue.

Callie thought it felt like standing outside of her own life. Catching the primitive spark in Arizona, she was sure she might end up screaming up that night. And Callie wondered if Arizona knew, as she ripped off her pants and underwear, leaving her bare and wet, that everything Callie's done in the past months were just other ways of screaming out Arizona's name.

That every time Arizona kissed her, she couldn't feel herself.

//

Arizona knew that there was something was different, but she didn't know what it was. And then all thoughts of that flew out of her head when Callie's whimper was offered along with her mouth, like she didn't care about all that's horrible that's happened to them anymore.

She slid a hand up Callie's shirt and rasps in her ear, where their cheeks are pressed against each other. "Off."

And as soon as Callie threw it off, Arizona was back on top of her, pressing their nakedness together. A hot sigh from Arizona's lips made Callie shiver. Arizona looked down at her for a moment, with her sigh of greediness, wanting to take whatever Callie would let her have that night, and then rammed her lips onto Callie's all over again. She didn't know what would happen on their final therapy session yet, but she had already grasped the idea of finality, or rather for her, peculiarity.

Teeth against tongue, tongue against lips, and Arizona growled when her fingers reached where Callie was dripping since some time. To hell with any teasing, she thrusted two fingers sharply inside. And Callie's small surprised gasp that caught in her throat almost stripped her of all her restraint.

Instead, she curled her fingers painstakingly slowly, and she tore her mouth away from the kiss, sinking her teeth into whatever slick flesh that was under her. Like she wanted the world to know that at least in this moment, Callie was so completely _hers_. And Callie's hands gripped onto her back. It was Callie's own way of marking, as Arizona pulled her fingers out gently, and then entered her again with shivering force, forcing a small moan out from the woman beneath her.

But one small moan wasn't enough for Arizona. She was on top of Callie, and that was as great as being on top of the world.

Arizona needed to hear Callie—to really _hear_ her.

In more long, slow, moves, she pounds into Callie, each thrust untying the grit in Callie's teeth more and more. Each thrust pushing out a louder moan, a needier whimper. She still had no idea what Callie wanted from that night, but by all means, if it still led to her moist breaths smothered against Arizona's neck, she was going to give it. Even if she didn't know what to give, she was going to try to hell to give it.

She still found the spot that made Callie press harder into her neck to muffle her moan, but it took longer than it used to take. Each thrust was Arizona finding another way of whispering ' _go back to what you used to love about me_ ', and each moan from Callie was another mystery.

And then Arizona raised her head and saw Callie biting her lip and clinging onto her like she was the only thing keeping her in this universe, Arizona's own slickness still covering her chin. So she shoved a third finger into her, and threw away the slow pace. Callie's writhing looked like a dance with the devil and the sweat beading on her neck was dripping gasoline.

Nothing was as it used to be, but Arizona had just roughly pressed Callie's clit and made her give a strangled whimper and arch into her. And she did it again, making Callie tighten and give a moan filthy enough to shatter the undercover darkness that belonged to this room.

Still running her own race but ignoring it, Arizona held Callie's shaking body tightly into her. She held her like she thought this was going to be her last night alive.

She felt Callie's fingers scratch a little on her back again.

Pulling her fingers out, Arizona licked her lips at the sight of Callie sprawled out, completely at mercy, and squirming when she was left suddenly empty. Unable to stop herself, Arizona bent down and blew over her taunt nipples, straining against Callie's skin and begging to be noticed. As always, Callie was soft and warm and inviting, and she wriggled under Arizona's hot mouth closing in on her chest, giving her a small whimper. Arizona's mouth was gentle. But nothing else about this was.

Arizona peered up at her through her eyelashes, and let her other hand roughly twitch a nipple as she saw Callie stiffening again. And she'd thought she'd died and gone to somewhere where perfection was possible, as she watched Callie react, still so sensitive, giving Arizona exactly what she was aiming for without her knowing.

Callie was her fucking medicine, the only thing she woke up and looked forward too.

//

Callie somehow knew that she would combust, turn into dust or be exploded into a million atoms. Her eyes were shut so tight she was seeing specks of stars. And if tomorrow, they'd lose it all, well, at least they had it for a moment.

Arizona roughly twitched a nipple and Callie felt herself arching off the bed all over again. She couldn't think, couldn't breathe, she was so rightfully stuck in this present. She felt the hot rush of her high between her legs, and she was nothing but sweat and mess.

Indistinctly, she noted that Arizona shifted off of her and curled up around her back, holding Callie in her arms, and Callie had to wait a few seconds to find her voice.

Because she didn't think she could be here in Arizona's arms.

If Callie let herself stay in this familiar warmth, she would never have the balls to get up and walk away. For herself. If she let herself stay in this familiar warmth, she knew that she would want to stay there forevermore. She couldn't just let herself make a home out of this again. She couldn't let herself lay there and bleed for everyone else. She felt as though she was still the lost little girl her father felt the need to protect because she didn't know when to stop giving, and she hated feeling clueless and weak and unhelpful.

So she stiffened and tried to shift further away from Arizona's secure arms. But Arizona just tightened her hold and pulled Callie closer, pressing them together. Callie's body was still aloof from orgasms. Clearing her throat weakly, she tried to get her voice to regroup steadily enough to form words.

"Arizona…"

Arizona grunted and passed her hand over Callie's waist. "Shh."

Before Callie could've opened her mouth again, Arizona's hand traveled further down and circled her navel. Arizona's leg slipped in between her own, pressing into her, and fuck, Callie couldn't believe she still had such a hold over all her rational thoughts. She wished she had left her heart at the door of Arizona's bedroom, and came in only a shell of herself. To not have felt this much every single second.

"No more…" Callie whimpered, "Arizona…" Even as she gave her low protest, she grinded into Arizona's leg.

"Hmm?"

Arizona's hum vibrated gently against her skin and Callie barely audibly whimpered, "I can't…"

Another questioning hum bled into the back of her neck and Callie had to bite back a moan. Still in that damn low and raspy voice, Arizona hummed into Callie's ear, "What do you want, Calliope?"

Callie's head was spinning from too many things all at once, and for split second, she couldn't even fathom why she was here in the first place. Maybe it was selfish. Maybe it was an incredibly ill-intended last night together, as a one-way goodbye, maybe it was a lot of things, maybe it was nothing. Having this halfway was a little worse than not having it at all.

//

Arizona mumbled another series of something unintelligible into the soft skin behind Callie's ear, planting kisses all over the nape of her neck, like she was kissing away every weight that had ever rested upon Callie's back.

She was kissing her for all the times she hadn't. She was kissing her for all the nights Callie had to spend in her dead best friend's apartment when she wouldn't let her into their own bed. She was kissing her for the mornings they hadn't woken up next to each other. She was kissing her for the days she wouldn't see on the bright side, so Callie had sat with her in the dark. She was kissing her for the future they'd had once planned together, the future that only Callie could complete. She was kissing Callie for all the times she wished she had, and all times she wished they still had.

She was on such a high, being able to have all of Callie again. Callie was her fucking medicine. The only thing she woke up and looked forward to. 

Callie trembled and moaned when Arizona's hands found their way to her chest again, "Fuck."

Arizona's mouth twitched upwards against Callie's neck and she whispered, "Okay."

//

It mattered how they end. She wanted more than just dissipating into nothingness for them. They've come such a long way together, but they were going to have to part ways still. It's fucked, that's what it was.

But whatever should happen, they wouldn't forget each other, right?

Callie sucked in a loud breath as Arizona's leg pushed up harder into her crotch. She would just have to believe that, whatever should happen, would happen, and it wouldn't be the end of the world. She would have to believe that somewhere down the road, they could meet again, grown and different and understanding, and be able to smile politely at each other and laugh about how they broke each other's heart so long ago. She wouldn't ask for forgiveness, because she knew Arizona would probably be, if not hate, then _really_ pissed at her. She wouldn't expect Arizona to understand of course it wasn't easy at all, giving up her heart. Until then, Callie would wish the best for Arizona. And wish Arizona could find her own happiness somewhere good, somewhere _great_.

She hoped there would be days Arizona would fall in love with being alive again.

Because Callie was _exhausted_. Because she didn't know who would come save her if she continued trying her damndest to save everyone else. She didn't know why she called it love.

Arizona kissed her neck with so much care, and even if she was saying nothing, it felt like the gentleness that they lacked so much since the plane crash. Callie thought she was falling apart under the darkness, in Arizona's arms, and she stared at the spot of the wall facing her and wondered if falling apart in darkness _dark_ enough made a sound.

But Arizona was holding her tight, and it was tight enough to keep her from crumbling down.

Arizona had her tongue against her neck. And then Callie thought, _fuck that_ , because she was sure she'd always carry Arizona with her anyway. She wanted to feel the ache of Arizona taking her, she wanted the high of Arizona filling her. So, Callie bit down on her lip and surrendered herself, craning her head back and arching into Arizona. It was selfish, it was useless, but _fuck that_.

They had been separate worlds for so long then, stepping along life out of synch, flipping the pages to their story but never landing on the same one. But Arizona bit down on her neck, marking her territory, infinitely marking Callie as _her's_ on that one night, that no matter whatever comes next, she had Callie arching into her into the high of the night. Their separate worlds were crashing together at last, _too late_ , and Arizona's hand teased its way slowly down Callie's waist.

//

_OCTOBER 23, 2014_

Arizona had watched Callie walking away from the office and she smiled apologetically at the therapist before excusing herself.

The whole way back to the parking lot, all Arizona could think of was Callie's crying face when Arizona told her that she couldn't live without her, that she loved her. Callie's crying face when she said she wanted both of them to feel free. That she wanted so much more for her, for the both of them…so much more than this. And Callie wasn't screaming or yelling or sobbing in her heartbreaking way. The silence was more definitive than Callie's words. The silence spelled out their end so clearly.

Callie crying, crying, crying, as she walked away.

Standing in front of her car, Arizona dug her nails into her palm and almost chuckled at how Callie was the one to walk away this time. That was how bad Arizona had fucked this up; _Callie_ was walking away first.

The bed back at the house felt too big, and she got up at eleven, falling asleep on the sofa bed in the guest room.

//

_OCTOBER 25, 2014_

_Surgeons can't save every patient, Arizona! The police kill good people and can't catch all the bad ones, and breakfast bars don't open in the evenings. And even_ I _can't love you forever if all it does is make me feel like shit, don't you get that?_

Callie had shouted that at her after a particularly vicious lash out two months after the amputation. Callie had apologised nervously in the evening, and had said that she'd promised she would love her forever, and she would wait, because the amputation was indeed her fault. That was what Callie said. And Arizona hadn't given it another thought until she learnt that it was Karev that cut off her leg.

But Callie was right, and Arizona thought she knew. But she never knew it would be this easy to lose everything they'd once had. Maybe there were really parallel universes somewhere where all this never happened.

She really hoped so.

//

_OCTOBER 26, 2014_

Arizona brushed her shoes against the pavement and craned her head to look at the sky. Sofia was with Callie today and she has no idea how her life piled up to this point in time. She returned from the hospital at six to find that Callie had already came over and cleaned up her stuff on her day off. She didn't know how she could see herself loving anyone else for the rest of her life. She ran to the bathroom a few seconds after she looked half the closet stripped bare, and brought her meager lunch back up again.

Arizona had lost her footing from the ground, and she was floating around in space, an abandoned satellite without ground control, nowhere, no one, calling her to come home.

The night was clear and the wind was soft. Does anyone remember all the countless nights where she told Callie she loved her?

And Arizona never thought that she would stand here one day, knowing that she let Callie walk away. That all she did was _let_ her walk away.

//

_OCTOBER 28, 2014_

Arizona had spent another night wide awake, imagining what it could have been like. What if the plane didn't crash? What if Lauren Boswell never got called? What if Callie had said something a second later, and had let Arizona finish one of her sentences?

Even in all her hopeful what if's, Callie and her were still together. And they were more than history.

But with all her useless alternate and parallel universes, this universe is the only one that matters. And in this universe, Callie and her had came to a stop. In this universe, she saw Callie laughing at the nurses' station like she was completely okay. In this universe, Callie had glanced to her left and saw her, and stopped laughing, and looked away, but in this universe, Callie looked at her once but didn't look twice. Callie still looked like Callie, but Arizona felt like a ghost.

In this universe, it seemed like the whole world was laughing and happy, and she was alone in an infinite place of nothingness. So. Much. Fucking. Nothingness.

//

_OCTOBER 30, 2014_

After the plane crash, during the first few months, Arizona had itched for her packet of Marlboros. She didn't use to like smoking, she hated it, in fact. But after she went back to work, she always wanted to smoke. Callie stopped her every time her found her smoking on the roof. It didn't get very bad.

It's not that she couldn't live without Callie. It's not that she desperately wanted for Callie to come back. But Arizona was watching American Bake-Off again and she didn't know why she kept watching that crappy show. She laughed and she glanced to see if Callie had laughed too.

And she only realised after she turned around that Callie wasn't here anymore.

On this cold fall day, Arizona smoked on a street corner, next to a newspaper stand. She smoked for no reason at all. She smoked for the hell of it.

//

_NOVEMBER 4, 2014_

When Arizona found Callie forgot her soap in the shower, it just about wrecked her. She cursed loudly at the wall and flung it out the window.

Callie used to be hers.

They used to be so happy.

They loved each other so much.

But she sat down and stared at the same wall, and she knew that she once had her at a point where Callie would've left the world for her. She knew that they had loved each other to death, and she also knew that she was so damn wrecked that Callie didn't love her the same way anymore.

Arizona was being torn apart from the chest out, and it hurt to exist.

What the fuck happened?

//

_AUGUST 20, 2018_

There are alternative universes in this universe too, Arizona thinks.

They’d moved to sit on the couch, and Callie had fallen asleep just a few seconds ago, curled into her side. Arizona’s left arm is going all tingly, but no way is she going to move it. Instead, she wraps it around Callie’s shoulders tighter, resting it on the gentle black hair that’s spread onto her shoulder, and pulls the blanket covering them up snugger around them.

This is peace and contentment. This is new.

Arizona can smell her soap in Callie’s hair and she knows her bottle of bodywash was almost empty after Callie had used it in the shower just an hour ago. Arizona can drink her coffee with her free hand and clumsily stroke Callie’s hair with the other. The clock on the coffee table ticks with all the passing seconds and Arizona can hear it over Callie soft, stuttering, snores.

The clock is still ticking, and Arizona’s hand is still stroking. Watching time pass and happen with Callie in her arms is a new definition of happiness Arizona’s only now found again.

Maybe that counted as their first fight back together. If so, then that was much better than any of the other fights they’d had. This is what’s supposed to happen; the progress.

Still following her train of thought, Arizona nudges Callie. “Calliope?”

Callie’s nose twitches and Arizona smiles.

“Callie, wake up for a second.”

Callie’s turns her head further into Arizona’s shirt, pretending she couldn’t hear anything. Rolling her eyes, Arizona stretches to place her coffee on the small table and reaches down to pinch Callie on the side.

A small, surprised noise comes out of Callie, who lifts her head groggily to glare at Arizona through only half-opened eyes. “What?”

“We should make a promise that we can never go to sleep angry. If we fight, we make up before going to bed. Or we take a pause. But we don’t go to sleep angry.”

Callie grumbles something unintelligible into Arizona’s shirt, nodding with her eyes closed. Before Arizona could ask her what the hell she meant, Callie lazily raised her hand, sticking her pinky out and waves it in front of Arizona’s face.

Chuckling, Arizona hooks it with her own and shakes their hands together. “To not going to sleep angry again.” She chuckles again when she feels Callie smiling into her shirt, nodding slightly and giving a gruntled little noise. She wonders if she can remember this moment exactly as it is another ten years from now. If she can look back and remember all the moments that made her as happy as she is feeling now. 

Other people are not medicine, but god, Callie can make her happy so quickly. And Arizona has learnt to give herself things to look forward to that are not people, but god, she loves her life so much with Callie in it. 

She really _does_ think there are alternated universes in this one too.

There are versions of themselves that only half-way belong in this dirty world.

Like the day after Arizona told Callie she loved her on their first time around, the went out for brunch in one of those rickety restaurants with waiters on roller skates. Of course, Arizona absolutely adored it. And Callie would have never in a million years admit that she had purposely looked for a restaurant with roller skates just to cheer Arizona up after little Wallace.

They had cracked up at one point when Arizona retold the story of Cristina making scary bear noises, terrifying little kids, in an effort to impress Arizona on a peds rotation.

So, surely, in someone’s memory, (maybe one of the older pairs that were sitting a table away), they will always be remembered as the happy couple who laughed too hard. The happy couple where milk flew out of the blonde one’s nostril after a particular loud snort.

They are surely infinitely happy in someone else’s memory, and that itself is a forever of its own. They will never know, but they surely do own one. Surely.

> _I won’t look back, there’s gotta be more to life than that._
> 
> _-_
> 
> _All of the people and the places I almost missed,_
> 
> _I’ll start to move on from this._


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, it's been awhile! I was trying to think of an appropriate end for this! I already said that I don't want them to go over any more drama or difficulties, so the story is ending soon, my friends. I'm already working on a new fic, because even though there's less people here then before, I don't want the stories to end just quite yet.
> 
> There's going to an epilogue that follows this chapter, and I really, really, really hope you guys enjoyed reading this. I hope you feel like Callie and Arizona were more alive then not, and I hope you can remember this story sometime and smile because it was nice to spend your quiet time with :)

_**LONG WAY HOME** _

_**Jukebox The Ghost** _

> _It’s strange how you can never know who’s_
> 
> _Going to stay with you and who will leave,_
> 
> _Do you remember me?_

_-_

The city is going cold with the months passing by.  
Callie doesn’t think she could love Arizona any more if she tries.

The rain is knocking on apartment windows from outside, and she doesn’t want to get out of bed. She can hear clanking and whispering voices in the kitchen down the hall, and she is sure either Arizona or Sofia will come in any second now, chasing her to get up and get going.

She doesn’t have to wake up alone anymore, and it feels so damn good to lay here, safe from the rain, with two of her favourite people right in the next room.

“Calliope?”

Callie rolls over, hugging the pillow tighter to her chest and grunts in response. She hopes Arizona can’t see the big dopey smile she just hid in the pillow.

Arizona laughs, coming closer and planting a little kiss on her head. “Your daughter and I made you breakfast, so if you don’t wake up soon, we’re all going to be late.”

“Hmph.”

“Calliope.”

Callie rolls onto her back and glares at Arizona through her heavy eyelids. “Fine. I’m getting up.”

“About time.”

“Hey!” Callie throws her pillow and Arizona ducks, barely avoiding it. “Appreciate the effort. Getting out of bed is painful.”

Arizona rolls her eyes ad bends down to pick up the pillow, flicking Callie’s forehead casually in the process. “You’re nearing forty, Calliope, stop acting like a child.”

Callie groans, swinging her legs over the edge and pushing a tired hand through her hair. “Don’t remind me of that.”

“Oh, like _I’m_ not already forty.”

“You’re old.”

“I’m _three years_ older than you.”

Callie shrugs and sticks out her tongue. “Still old.” Getting slightly more serious, she fixes Arizona with a stern look. “Are you okay? Today, I mean?”

Arizona smiles softly and shrugs. “I’m fine. Tim would be so happy if he could see our little family right now.”

“I still wish that I got to meet your brother sometimes. I think I would’ve loved him.”

“And he would’ve loved you more then he loved me,” Arizona laughs.

Callie raises her eyebrows good-naturedly. “I just have this charm to the Robbin’s.”

“You do. I never would’ve thought I could be this… _okay_ ever again, much less on this day, when I got the news thirteen years ago. That he died overseas,” Arizona whispers, “Tim would be proud of us. And he’s probably up there somewhere having a beer with Mark and making inappropriate sex jokes about us right about now.” And it’s true; Arizona had never felt this light on Tim’s ‘death anniversary’ before. But she is still perpetually looking forward with Callie beside her, and she believes in this moment that there are abundant brighter tomorrows for everyone.

“Okay,” Callie replies quietly. “Breakfast?”

Arizona nods, and pulls Callie up by the hand. 

When they finally get to the kitchen and finish eating breakfast, the clock on the microwave is already displaying on a little before eight.

“Hurry up, Sof! It’s almost eight!” Arizona calls down the hall. A grumbling voice answers her and she stifles a chuckle. “She sounds like you so freaking much in the morning.”

Callie turns around from the sink and wipes her hands and stares at Arizona solemnly. “That’s just what mornings do. You’re the weird one all cheery in the morning.”

Arizona shrugs and plops down on a stool by the island, crossing her arms over the countertop and watching Callie walk around cleaning the kitchen in an apron. This is what she’d wished for during so many cold nights alone. She watches Callie take out vegetables for dinner and put them by the sink and she knows she pretty much has everything she could wish for right now.

“Arizona?”

“Hm?”

Callie tilts her head to the side like a small, curious, child, and maybe Arizona is already biased, but she thinks again that Callie just might be the prettiest person alive. “You good?”

“Yeah,” she replies with a smile. “Just thinking.”

“About?”

“Us.”

Callie grins dopily and nods.

“And…” Arizona pauses, suddenly thinking of their conversation at the Ted talks. “How we don’t have a song yet.”

“A song?”

“A song. To dance to.”

It isn’t even possible, but Callie still manages to smile even wider. “We’ll dance. Now.” Hesitating for a second before reaching for her cellphone on the counter, she adds, “We’re going to be a little late. But that’s okay. Um, I _hope_ , at least.”

The song blares through the kitchen and living room and Arizona laughs. “Isn’t this the twisted-sisters’-patented-dance-song?”

Callie shrugs, half laughing, half singing along, and it’s the nicest sound in the world to Arizona at the moment. “Cristina and Meredith told me to dance to it the next time I dance it out. And I’m dancing it out now.” She holds out a hand towards Arizona. “And this is important enough to use their special-patented-dance-song.”

Gingerly, Arizona takes Callie’s hand and steadies herself. As if reading her nervous and self-conscious mind, Callie smiles encouragingly and spins around in a way makes her look completely stupid. Arizona laughs again.

_And how do you know when to let go?_

_Where does the good go…?_

Carefully taking Callie’s hand and carefully learning to feel less aware of herself, Arizona shuffles for a few steps clumsily, still getting used to the foreign happiness she is trying to dance with.

_Look me in the eye and unbreak broken…_

Callie hums along to the song and keeps a hand in Arizona’s, swaying her hips to the beat, still looking more then just a bit goofy. Arizona swallows and awkwardly follows Callie’s movements, but the smile on her face is still there, whether she is doing a good job or not.

“Mama!”

They both swivel around to see Sofia bouncing out of her room excitedly, only half dressed with a blue shirt and purple underwear. Arizona snorts and covers her mouth, whispering to Callie as Sofia starts jumping up and down in her unique six-year old choreography, “That’s totally your daughter.” Callie too, giggles at Sofia’s hair still sticking out in different directions and her little dance moves that are perfectly in synch with her own.

“Well, I’m proud of it.”

Arizona tears her eyes from Sofia spinning around and reaching for the glass of milk with unnecessary glam, and smiles gently at Callie. “Me too.”

The beat drops and both Sofia and Callie make a small excited sound, starting dancing again immediately. Arizona stifles a chuckle.

_The seal that of always thinking you would be real happy and healthy, strong and calm…_

Arizona watches two of her very favourite people in the whole world dancing to a good song on a nice morning in a cozy kitchen, and she knows, life doesn’t get better then this. It doesn’t get better then the moment she realises that this is where the good _went_ , where it _will_ end up. The moment where, even before the moment passes, she already knows that she will miss it.

In tune with all three hearts beating in the small apartment, Arizona bops along slowly too, despite her slow moving and a little awkward swinging. Callie laughs at Sofia singing the lyrics wrong and Arizona smiles at the happiness they finally deserve so much.

_Look me in the eye and promise no love is like love…_

A phone buzzes on the couch, and Arizona is enjoying herself too much to care about getting all serious and answering it. At least in this moment, as Callie giggles as the song ends and falls into her arms, they have no where else to be. Arizona keeps her arms around Callie and hears her saying something about just let her phone keep ringing, that it was okay.

This is where the missing good went. The one moment of happy all their tragedies were building up to.

Everything makes sense right now, and Arizona has someone to love, and a home to come back to. They were not crazy thinking that this will work. _This_ is where the good went.

/

Arizona groans as the happiness of the morning finally drained and gives into the staggering pressure of the day. Everything is running on adrenaline and disaster. The ER has another incoming trauma in ten minutes, and the car crash they’d only just dealt with was still bugging the backs of their minds. Grunting, Arizona rubs her eyes with the heel of her hand. She tries to erase the nagging feeling of deja-vu entangled with Tim’s big grin, of the women who had just died on her table seconds after Arizona delivered her preemie. The blank look on her face and the way her chest was cut open as her baby was delivered weeks before it should’ve.

It was not her and Callie, Arizona keeps telling herself. Not her and Callie. They’re safe now. They’ve gotten through all that.

Not her and Callie.

Not them.

Her sweaty hair sticks to her forehead under her scrub cap as Arizona walks down the corridor. She is as tired as she is hungry. And she desperately needs a shower. But she’s also feeling too lazy to take her clothes off.

Maybe she could shower with her clothes on like those missionary people did before?

She sighs.

This day isn’t going well, but she has to tell herself that she finally has something to come home to.

/

The day is going horribly, and the seconds are only passing with every emergency and dying human being rushed into the ER. Callie stuffs her hands into her lab coat pockets deeper, fiddling with the paper bag she has, and walks through the hospital corridors faster, trying to find one with a gurney quiet enough to wallow in her own sadness. After all these years, she still gets sad when she loses a patient.

The car crashes that same into the ER this morning wasn’t nice for anyone. And especially not for Callie, with all those crushed femurs and broken ribs.

It’s hard to go about a corner without remembering something worth better forgetting. The walls that watched her grow up and watched her glory years burn down in flames. And maybe grow brighter all over again in the current months.

It makes her sad, being able to cross paths with memories but not the people in them. And the people she crosses, three residents with purple moons stamped under their eyes, are only dead hearts walking. They were all kids that she once knew. It makes her a little sad.

Callie nods to a nurse and peers into the room she once stifled laughter in, Mark sitting across, stupefied, meeting his unknown, eighteen-year-old pregnant daughter. She greets two young interns as she brushes by the wall her dad had once slammed George and Mark against. She chuckles lightly to herself as she remembers the crazed, manic, rush Mark had gotten into that day, trying to hide from her dad. She lingers for a tiny little moment in front the door of an on-call room in which Arizona had slammed her against the door as soon as it closed, only to find chicken pox all over her before the fun even began.

Those times make her smile. A little less sad.

Those were good times. Those were memories worth remembering.

She slows down her steps, taking out the paper bag, as she arrives at the NICU, peering into the windows and smiling when she sees Arizona slumped in a chair next to an intubated preemie. This strong gentility Arizona only reserves for her job amazes Callie every day.

She smiles wider when Arizona raises her head and meets her eyes through the window.

She still wears that stupid grin as Arizona walks out of the NICU to greet her, giving her a small kiss on the cheek and a squeeze on the arm. Callie had almost forgotten how nice it is to have these casual touches still speed her heart up and take to giddiness.

“Here,” she says, holding out the bag in her hands, “before I forget. I don’t think you’ve eaten yet.”

Arizona takes it, peering inside. “It’s not a pumpkin scone, is it?”

“No,” Callie scoffs, “You hate pumpkin scones. It’s a chocolate scone. The ones Mark and you would make when you guys were super into your intense cooking thing.”

Arizona laughs. “You hated that.”

Callie shrugs. “Just eat it. I’m feeding you. Appreciate me.”

“You’re appreciated.”

“Thank you.”

“Mm. You got a few moments?”

Callie nods.

“Come on,” Arizona says, pulling out a pink gown from the stack and holding it up for Callie to thread her arms through, “sit with me for a bit.”

Callie smiles to herself. She’s been smiling too much these days. She turns around, letting Arizona tie the knot on her back. Walking back into the clean-smelling NICU, Arizona pulls another chair over, patting it for Callie to sit down beside her.

The incubator holds the tiny baby boy from the lady of the car crash, and Callie sighs. “Car crash preemie, huh?”

Arizona purses her lips. “Yeah.” Reaching over, she grabs Callie’s hand, giving it a squeeze. “He doesn’t even have a name yet.”

After a little silence, Arizona speaks again. “I’m going to call him Timothy. It’s a strong name.” Callie looks at her in respectful surprise and Arizona continues, “All the preemies in the NICU need a strong, fighter name.”

“Yeah. And everything is okay,” Callie finally breathes. “We’re okay now.”

“This is not us. We’re okay.”

“We’re okay,” Callie repeats quietly, gently tapping the glass of the incubator. She sighs and looks lovingly at the tiny boy. “And you will be too.”

Arizona quietly watches Callie in their own little private slice of heaven. Perhaps this is what happiness looks like. And this time around, perhaps she knows how it feels like without Callie enough to also know how precious and fragile this kind of state of being could be. All the times she’d seen families fall apart after surgeries, break-ups and getting-back-togethers in this hospital, they all just make her want to hug Callie more and more. She knows how miraculous and impossible it was for them to cross paths again, much less _fall_ again.

With their boiling blood and bruised knuckles and split lips, she knows that they continued to soldier on, and she is so grateful that they did.

“Calliope.”

Callie pauses her loving coos towards the preemie and turns to Arizona. “Hm?”

“Nothing,” Arizona says, shrugging with a cheeky grin, “I just wanted to say your name.”

Callie stares at her. “I don’t know if I want to kiss you or slap you.”

“Flip a coin.”

“Uh,” Callie glares at her, “whatever.”

Leaning in, Callie kisses Arizona before she can ship out another cheeky remark. They won’t have any last kisses. Any last nights together. They shouldn’t have to count down the moments to an inevitable destruction they both do not dare say out loud. This thing between them will work from this point on. Callie giggles as Arizona moves away from her mouth and kisses her cheek. And then her nose, her forehead, her eyelids, and Arizona relishes as the seconds chip away to Callie’s giggles.

All these places they always return to, and Arizona feels like they are the only two alive. The world is quiet, in deadly silence, except from Callie’s laughter.

Nothing is quite the same as on those old familiar days and no one has escaped the constant change.

Finally, Arizona stops and rests her forehead against Callie’s. She already knows how desperately hard it is to be on this planet without Callie, and it is sure as hell never asking to be felt again. She is so glad that they exist in this moment.

Leaning in, she kisses Callie again, with all the peace they finally deserve. The silent tranquility of this place they have finally reached. Callie smiles against her lips, with her hands tangled in her hair, and Arizona cannot imagine what it would be like to have anyone else’s hands tangled there. Her body will only ever remember touching Callie.

“So it’s safe to say that this seal of annoying happiness will stay this time, huh?”

Arizona almost jumps away from Callie, but somehow all she ends up doing is break away with hesitance. Turning around a little irritably, she sees Meredith and Alex leaning against the door of the room with matching smirks adorning their smug faces.

“Yes,” she snaps, “I just want to kiss my girlfriend in peace.”

Alex makes a face. “God, just get married again already.” Glancing to Meredith, he says in all unsubtlety, “And so who won?”

Meredith wears a simultaneously offended and delighted expression and answers, “Freaking _Teddy_ won. From freaking _Germany_.” She stares wide-eyed at Alex, “Oh my god, how does that woman know Robbins so well?”

Arizona watches their not-so-private conversation in careful amusement. From the corner of her eye, she can see Callie glaring defiantly at the pair with annoyance, but an unmistakable redness stains her cheeks. Arizona barely stops her own smirk.

“This is them betting on us, huh?”

Callie scowls. “Yup.”

“No,” Meredith cuts in, “Actually, there were two bets. One for when you two got together, and one for when you two were going to let us find out.”

Arizona and Callie blink at them.

“Because we all want you two to get your head out of your asses, you know?” Alex adds quickly, and in a smaller voice, “’Cause we all love you two. Even if we want to slap you sometimes.”

“Wow,” Callie says, “Sweet.”

“So eloquently phrased,” Arizona adds.

Meredith grins. “And it’s also time to get back to work. Another trauma came in, school bus crash,” and their pagers buzz in tune as she continues, “not full of kids, but we still need more hands on deck, so come on guys.”

They all nod and walking out, tear their gowns off in synch. This never ending-cycle of saving lives and crying and laughing and being continuously torn into being alive is what keeps them going.

Hurrying along a few paces behind Callie and Alex, who are nudging each other and throwing meaningless insults at each other like little kids, Meredith looks at Arizona with narrowed eyes. Before she could open her mouth, Arizona sighs. “I’ll take care of her this time, Grey, don’t you worry. I’ll never forgive myself if I don’t.”

Meredith breaks into a smile. “I wasn’t going to say that. You don’t need me warning you, and you don’t deserve that either. If Callie trusts her love with you, then I’ll trust Callie with you. You don’t need people constantly knocking your past mistakes back into your present. I get that more then anyone.”

Arizona, momentarily stumped at the sincerity, only knows to return her smile.

“All I wanted to ask,” Meredith says as they break away from Callie and Alex, heading down a different corridor to get to each their own destinations, “was when’s the wedding gonna be?”

Arizona laughs nervously. Quieting down, she looks seriously at Meredith. “Before I met her, I never wanted to get married. After I met her, I never wanted to marry anyone else. And the answer to that is going to be very long. So I’m planning to use the rest of my life to tell Callie.”

“So that’s a sometime soon in the future?”

Arizona nods happily. “Sometime soon in the future.”

The greatest disturbance to anyone’s life, after all, is the sudden appearance of someone so overly exhilarating in all these monotonous days.

/

“You know,” Callie says as she flops down on the attendings lounge couch, “We said we were going to take it slow.”

“Well,” Arizona replies as she passes an arm around her shoulder and hugs her closer, “we never really did things right. And there isn’t really a way to do things right anyway.”

Callie cranes her head back, leaning against Arizona’s arm. “Yeah.”

“And we’re happy now.”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah.”

“And it’s finally time to go home,” Callie grumbles, “That was _such_ a long day.”

Arizona chuckles, “Mhm. But we _did_ save a lot of lives.”

“We did. But it was so _tiring_.”

“But would you have rather you didn’t go through it all?”

Callie thinks for a moment, and then seemingly coming to a conclusion, she smiles dorkily at Arizona. “Staying at home at all does sound tempting…but no. You were here with me, so it was better.”

“You see?”

Callie shrugs and plays with Arizona hand that was on her thigh, tangling their fingers together. “Okay.” Standing up, she tugs her hand. “Let’s take the long way home.”

…

The day is gentle and it ends with very nice birdsongs and damp winds walking alongside Callie and Arizona in this old familiar park.

There is this one split moment where the sky actually did split open and the trees weren’t swaying so gently. Callie and Arizona are still hand in hand, and this misconception of time is the greatest there is. Strolling unhurriedly, like the way they were when they were only twenty-something, still red-faced and unstained from their own past futures. Like they are still walking back to the apartment from Seattle Grace Mercy West, and the past few years were all only a lengthy and strangely dark summer vacation from their surgeon jobs and blossoming researches.

The sun is still high from the summer slowly inkling away to autumn, and the wind is still sweet from the success of their surgeries today. They have a home waiting and hands to be held, and they are both young and delicately wild.

“Hey, look,” Callie suddenly says, stopping both their lazy strolling, “the pigeons are eating.”

Arizona smiles at the pigeons but looks a little incredulously at Callie. “That’s nothing new.”

“But it’s nice. They’re, like, all together and eating. And stuff.”

Shaking her head, Arizona laughs quietly to herself. “Okay.”

The grass on which the pigeons are clustering and jumping around on is littered with a few pieces of bread someone undoubtedly left for them. Arizona grins at the pigeons and grins harder when she sees Callie grinning at the pigeons like a little kid. They are in the middle of the pebbly little path down the park, and they probably look like idiots, but that’s okay.

“Ooh. Did you know that Cristina finally made her 3D printers print out a real heart? Like a real, freaking, heart with the anatomy and everything.”

Arizona raises her eyebrows in surprise. “Wow. I’m surprised the news isn’t all over it yet.”

“Oh no. She only just called me this afternoon after calling Meredith. It’s probably going to be all over the papers first thing tomorrow morning.”

“So many things are happening lately. Amelia’s having a thing with one of your new orthopods, Link, I think. And Owen’s finally settling down with Leo, although I heard the Emma-something person he met back at the first fundraising gala was contacting him again.”

Callie smiles. “Owen deserves a break from all his relationships. Or maybe he deserves someone who finally wants the same thing as him. Maybe he’ll get lucky this time.” She pauses, “And Mer found McVet again. Finn.”

“Teddy found her old trauma counselor in Germany.”

“And even freaking Alex got married.”

Callie makes a face. “That’s not even the weirdest thing. I heard from some friends back in New York that Erica got with Penny.”

“Erica Hahn?” Arizona gapes at her. “With perfect Penny?” Callie nods.

“Wow. I didn’t see that one coming. Must be one hell of an age difference.”

Callie shrugs. “They sound happy together.”

“Then I guess that’s all that matters,” Arizona continues.

“Addison is considering adopting another son after Henry. With Jake.”

Arizona looks sideways at Callie and for the thousandth time that evening, thanks the world to have let them be existing at the same time, on the same planet.

They did not always belong in this messy and dirty place. No one was ever very kind to anyone else. Arizona wants to say so many things, but she knows that they will never come out the way she wants them to.

She squeezes Callie’s hand. “I love you, you know?”

She isn’t even sure Callie heard until she sees Callie’s grin turning softer and feel Callie’s hand squeezing back. “Me too.” Her gaze drops to the ground and bounces back up to look at the tree tops as the wind rustles the leaves. “I love you too. So much.”

Arizona pauses before saying softly, “Let’s go home. We promised Sofia pizza for dinner.”

“Yeah.”

Arizona pulls Callie’s hand and continues their trip across the park, passing by their bench that overlooks the Seattle city line.

This is a world and a peace and a happiness she never thought she could belong to again. This is all her future condensed into a moment. This is a place where happily-ever-afters do exist, and where she can pull the sadness out of Callie like one very long piece of string. If they are very, very, quiet, they can almost hear their own hearts beating, threatening to send their ribcages tumbling down.

“I love you,” she says again, as they cross the road.

“I love you too,” Callie replies, again. And as if she has to say it enough just to make sure she heard it right, she repeats, “I love you too.”

> _Walking down the road that we used to know,_
> 
> _You said 'Let's take it slow,'_
> 
> _Let's take the long way home._


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, my dear readers. I love you all :')

_**EPILOGUE - THE STORY** _

_**Sara Ramirez** _

> _So many stories of where I've been_
> 
> _And how I got to where I am..._
> 
> _It's true, I was made for you_

_MARCH 12, 2020_

The plane ride to Seattle wasn’t half bad. Arizona remembers chatting with Callie although nothing had changed, although time was always frozen for them anyway.

Arizona has seen Callie’s big and beautiful smile for thousands of times, and she still loves them more then she could fathom. She knows they are getting old now, but she doesn’t feel it. Not when she is with Callie, sitting on these bumpy vinyl chairs of the airport.

A crisp female voice calls another flight through the intercoms, and a plane rolls into the flat cement ground outside the high glass panes to her right. Everything has a beginning and an end here; everything is in order. Everything, from the passport in her pocket, to the ring on her finger, to the warm hand in hers, they all say _we are home, we are finally home._

_We are home._

The necklace on her neck catches the neon lights from the faraway ceilings, and Callie must have seen it too, because she smiles and absentmindedly raises her hand to fiddle with her own silver one.

Little silver and gold hearts, still on their chains years down the road.

“We’re totally leading the jewelry industry.”

Callie raises an eyebrow. “Because I’ve been remarried so many times?”

Arizona meant to deny it, but instead, a loud snort made its way out.

“Ouch. A little comfort could have been useful,” Callie says, feigning offense.

Arizona chuckles and takes Callie’s hand, holding it in her lap and playing with the fingers. And more precisely, playing with the ring on her fingers.

“Okay, okay. Scrap what I just said.”

“You’d better.”

Arizona takes one look at the disgruntled look on Callie’s face and stifles another snort. “I, uhm,” she clears her throat, shifting away from the glare Callie gives her way, “really…love you?”

Callie exhales, rolling her eyes. Arizona smiles to herself as she still heard her say, in a small voice, “Love you too.”

“But come on. Spain was nice, wasn’t it?”

“It was.”

“So Thank you for granting my old wish.”

“My pleasure.”

Arizona snickers, “Yeah, your pleasure alright. Even the people in the rooms next to us could hear that is was _your pleasure_.”

“Your fingers’ fault.”

“Their _pleasure_.”

Callie snickers too while she puts their passports back into her bag. “Come on, we’ve gotta hurry or else our kids will think we’re bad moms.”

“We’re not bad moms,” Arizona protests, jabbing Callie in the side playfully, “We simply took the chance for a very belated honeymoon.”

“Our son is only a year old!”

“And he turns two in a month.”

Callie glares at her again.

Arizona raises her hands, chuckling slightly. “Okay, okay, I’m only saying this because I’m worried sick of Timmy too. We needed some humour, right?”

“Except that it wasn’t very humorous.”

“Oh please. I’m extremely funny. It’s one of the many reasons you fell for me again.”

Callie rolls her eyes and nods reluctantly. “Lets just go home.”

“Then home it is!”

//

Another morning, another day full of work.

Arizona doesn’t know since when Callie had the superpower to manage to wake up earlier then her. It must’ve been somewhere after they adopted their son.

That poor child deserves Callie though, Arizona is sure. Arizona wouldn’t forget that day long ago when he was delivered prematurely in that car crash. Although part of the reason might also be that Callie told her she loved her that same evening, walking through their park.

And all these new beginnings are also why Arizona is standing in an empty house at ten in the morning on a Sunday.

“Can someone make Alex talk quieter before I stuff my new couch down his throat?” she grumbles.

Meredith snickers, “We’re all here to help you guys move into your new house. You should thank us.”

“Oh, believe me, I do thank you. Just not Alex’s loud voice showing off his one year old’s drawing of a supposed bear with dragon wings.”

“I’m pretty sure Callie is showing off how Timmy can grab her fingers right that the next room to April and Matthew.”

“That’s different,” Arizona grins, “That’s because Timmy really is super awesome.”

Meredith shakes her head. “Let’s make everyone some coffee. We all need it anyways.”

“Well that’s also because the only thing we have in our kitchen is a coffee machine.”

“Of course the first thing Callie brought into your house was a coffee machine.”

Arizona laughs, walking around the counter to get the cups.

//

Sitting around the cold floor tiles, it doesn’t feel cold at all. Not when this is their new house, not when their oldest friends are sitting around them because this new house doesn’t have a couch yet.

Sipping their coffees and watching their kids sitting in their own circle a little further, everyone is content. They talk about everything and nothing at all.

“Wow,” Meredith finally sighs after a bit of quiet. “I never thought our hospital can evade tragedies for this long. I almost can’t believe we’re all so happy.”

Bailey scowls. “Don’t curse it.”

Everyone else laughs, Callie patting Meredith on the arm.

“I know, I know, but come on, you gotta admit, our lives were going bat-shit crazy for a while back there.”

With that, everyone suddenly starts talking, throwing in bits and pieces of their stories over the years. Crazy gun men, ambulances stranded in the rain, ditching weddings, adoption papers, basement air-mattresses, all sorts of things. 

It’s a game of bittersweet ‘remember when’ for them. They talk about their stories like they were other people’s and they laugh, and they get sad, but mostly, they’re _happy_. Callie looks at Arizona and dear god, they’re alive, they’re _alive_ , and it’s so damn great.

_Remember when you first met Richard and you were crying every time he talked to you?_

As long as those stories have passed, they all feel so long ago. Callie knows they are talking about them like they were lifetimes ago, like they’d already forgotten the way they were at twenty-eight years old. But who cares?

If they made it through, then they have these stories to tell. These stories are _all_ theirs to tell.

_Remember when you were about to take me against a wall but we found out that I had chicken pox?_

That one earned a few wolf-whistles and ‘don’t corrupt our children’s from the people sitting around the floor.

But they are existing at the same time and it’s absolutely spectacular.

Everything feels like home, and Callie wants to cry at the beauty of it all.

_Remember when we got home drunk and almost stripped naked in front of Owen and Cristina?_

She knows that maybe in a month, in two months, she would forget all about this moment, but right now, everything is exactly where it should be.

She’d spent so long not even knowing that she was missing this comfort. Now, she is finally sitting beside people she loves in an old familiar place, and she really feel like she is going to cry with this overwhelming everything.

Callie can practically hear her bones crack under the weight of this unfamiliar happiness.

_Remember when you were so scared to get you and Sofia both to leave the hospital?_

She is laughing with people and god, she feels like she belongs.

_Remember winning a round of rock paper and scissors against Mark so we could spend Valentine’s day together?_

Arizona turns to Callie, nudging her gently. “Hey, we should go downstairs. I think the truck is about to arrive.”

Callie nods, and Arizona takes her by the hand, throwing a few words over her shoulder at their friends. She knows that when she comes back up with boxes to unpack in their new house, their friends and children and still going to be there. She knows that things will stay good this time, and she knows that they’ve had enough tragedies, and that they deserve these lazy afternoons.

Arizona and her sit down by the curb like they aren’t sophisticated doctors, and she smiles. This is serenity. They watch the cars pass by and they are waiting on a brand-new start.

“I think there surely were a lot of times where we weren’t very right for each other.”

Callie looks surprisingly at Arizona. She is not scared, not anymore, by these words that come out of her mouth out of nowhere. She’s curious. She just nods. “I think you’re right.”

“Maybe it wasn’t always you.”

“Well that really just _boosted_ my self-esteem.”

Arizona laughs, throwing an arm over Callie’s shoulders. “But we’re here. And we believed in us enough to make it here.”

“For the second time, too,” Callie replies, playing with the ring on her finger. She would like to avoid favoritism and say that she loves both of Arizona’s proposals, but she can’t. The second one didn’t have her running head-first into a truck, after all.

“I’m so happy we’re married. I’m so proud to be able to call you my wife.”

“Me too.”

And what is marriage, really?

Maybe it’s for love. Or maybe love isn’t enough.

Maybe it’s how well two people can fight together.

Or maybe it’s only to have someone to remind her to get more milk on a Tuesday morning.

Maybe it’s to have someone to talk to when she’s bored, or maybe it’s to have someone to eat dinner with at a tiny table after a very long day.

“Thank god we haven’t gotten bored of each other yet.”

Callie gives her a playful glare and goes back to watching the dirty cars go down these dirty roads. They stay silent until Callie leans her head into Arizona’s shoulder and sighs contentedly.

Arizona wipes the cheeky grin off her face, and tells Callie in a more serious voice, “But you know that I love you. And that’s what counts, you know?”

“And I love you too. So much. So much _still_.”

Arizona squeezes their hands that somehow ended up together by habit. “And that’s good enough for it to be _always_ you.”

Callie watches a dog across the street tug its leash and bark at a passing car. It can’t go chasing after that car it will never catch.

She can gladly waste time with Arizona like this for the rest of her life.

“You know, I can stay like this all day, if it’s between you and me,” Callie says.

“Me too,” Arizona replies, “Everything becomes a thousand times better as long as it’s between us. As long as it’s you and me.”

Callie watches the light turn red and the cars stopping. The dog stops tugging on it’s leash as the cars are no longer moving. It has the cars right in front of it.

And Callie is so glad Arizona and her are together. She is so glad they have a new home together. She is so glad they have a beautiful daughter and a handsome son together. She is so glad they have a radio that plays good songs, and she is glad they have hot water, and she is glad they know what to do with themselves.

“I love you.”

Arizona smiles and Callie can see her dimples from the corners of her eyes. “I love you too.”

They will always have very short lives, and they will always have a very lot of trouble to go through. They have come such a long way from where they began.

They have good memories with good people on a good planet and they still have all the rest of their whole damn lives together.

A lifetime is too short, they can’t spend it with anyone else then their very favourite person. A lifetime is too long, and everyone needs someone beside them. To publicly prefer over anyone else and to steadily think of.

This is the place people dream of.

This is the place people wish to come to.

This is all the happiness from Callie and Arizona’s love story. This is where they continue that love story.

The end of an era is always the outset of a new one. 

This is the story of Callie and Arizona’s happy ending.


End file.
